Photo by Tao Lin

I look back on my life
and think about critical crossroads
and ask myself questions
about what makes me 'alternative'
in relation to society.

s00 much stuff 'made me'
and I am still trying to 'understand' how 'I' happened

Did my parents love me?
Did my parents make over $100K?
Did my parents drive a minivan?
Did my parents allow me to make my own fashion choices at a young age?
How much did I want to 'be accepted'?
How 'seriously' did I take 'social groups' in middle+high school environments?
Did I 'have a gf/bf' at a young age?
Did my parents try to construct the foundation of my self-image ?
Did I grow up in a city
Am I an 'outlier'?
Should I have read more books as a child?
Did my parents get divorced?
Did my parents let me listen to rap, even though I lived in a white context?
Did I 'experiment' with drugs and alcohol 'before I was ready to handle it'?
Did I 'make fun of poor kids' without knowing why I was 'better than them'?
Did my parents secretly hate minorities, teaching me not to respect them & only expecting them 2 'bring me chips and salsa b4 a meal'?
Was I 'sad' about the OJ Simpson verdict?
Did my parents/me take 'youth sports' too seriously?
Did I have a sibling who was better/less respected than me?
Did my parents establish solid relationships with teachers, or did they just 'drop me off' at school?
Did I have a computer when 'the internet' was first invented?
As I grew up with a computer, have I been unable to use it for anything 'productive' and has this impacted my ability to contribute to my employer?
Do I know how 2 get vulnerable, or am I just like my [parent who h8s emotions]?

As I grow older,
I feel like I have more in common with more ppl
realizing that we had the same childhood
and that we are all 'kinda mediocre'
but searching for differentiating gimmicks.

////Makes me kinda sad

Sometimes I wish my differentiating gimmick was something
that was both 'beneficial to society' and 'had a salary of over $250K per year'
but I'm probably being unreasonable.
Not sure if I would rather 'find the cure for cancer' or 'be in a relatively popular band.'
Would probably have to make an 'excel spreadsheet' of pros+cons

Just glad I'm not a mainstreamer
and satisfied by the goals which have forced me to be 'alternative.'
Don't want to 'have a family' and 'live in suburbia'
Don't want to 'go 2 church every Sunday.'
I think I would enjoy stuff like 'falling out of love with my wife after she had 2 kids'
and 'resenting my kids for being lil ass holes'

Do yall ever wish that u could be like that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Ace Ventura"
and erase ur past
and 4get about U, Me & Every1 We Know?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I got on my all-terrain vespa and Created My Own Route
and I 'got lost' but told myself that 'finding my way'
created a journey which was meaningful

The alt route
The alt route
The alt route
I am chilling on it.
r u?

Current Music: Robert Frost - 2 Roadz (Grizzly Bear vs Animal Collective Relevant in 2k9 Remix)
Current Mood: Sad abt life