HIPSTER RUNOFF

I started LET'S GET VULNERABLE to try to get closer to my readers. I want to be one of your best friends. I want to preparty with you and listen to faggy electro, then get buzzed, then have a fun night where meaningful stuff happens, then talk about how funnn it was the next day with you.

Please open up to me, and I'll open up 2 u.
HERE ARE QUESTIONS FROM REAL HRO READERS.
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Catherine asks: how should i cut my bangs?

HRO SAYS:
Make them RLLY KUTE. U should cut a picture of a person that u like out of a magazine, then take that picture to the local Supercuts, then say 'make me look like this bitch.' Then when she's like "who is that? Why do you want to look like a little boy?" You can say 'She's an IT GIRL.'

Or maybe just get a Tegan and Sara haircut and pretend you are in your pixie lezbo-ish phase.

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Isabel: is it slutty if I practice giving tugjobs to random boys at parties in preparation for when I finally enter a loving, steady relationship with an [ALT]boi who will appreciate my skills?

HRO SAYS:
U r making the world a better place. Alt bro suicide has been happening a lot lately, and when you tug a guy, he'll like you for the next 4 years. Even if you don't date him, or tell him that you 'just need space' but make out with him every other weekend for 3 months, he will stay alive because he thinks one day he will get to 'make love' to you. Don't feel bad. You'll find the alpha altbro of your dreams before you even know it! Hang in there, girl! NO REGRETS.

Tug like you want the meaningful jizz of an altbro to shower all over u.

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TORONTBRO says:
k so here is my advice question but plz dont publish my name or email it would ruin my reputation

k so like a year ago i was big in the toronto hipster scene and i went out every night and was photographed alot etc etc. but then through a series of events (ie starting school, a bad relationship etc) i kinda escaped from 'the scene' and now i am reentering but some people that were minor and gross back in the day now rule the scene and are the queen ugly hipsters and they totes know who i am and give me cut eye to the max. like even this past year if i saw them on the street i would get cut eye and here them talk. i dont know what to do because other then these peeps being wildly lame they rule the club scene and i cant even hit the clubs without rumors starting. i feel like lohan. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

thanks love you hipster runoff

HRO SAYS:
I feel like Lohan a lot, too, but mainly bc I have a drug probbers :-( . It sucks when u step away from the scene, and then the uggos take over! They don't even listen to good music, just that All-American Rejects type of shit. You have a few options.
1) Date Rape the scene queens
2) Move to a new major metropolitan area and become 'the new alt kid in town'
3) Build a time machine and go back in time so you can get your life back
4) Start a blog to let Toronto know how u feel.
I'm really sorry about your bad relationship. You might just want to get into a new relationship where the girl is as interested in achieving social status as u r, instead of being the couple that 'has to prove that they are above all of the bullshit drama shit bullshit fake stuff bullshit.' Kind of like these people

Photo by thecobrasnake]
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Senior in HS WRITES:

dear HRO bloggor,

next year I will be going to Rhode Island School of Design as an art major.
how can I get the hottest alt-chicks with the most accessories?
how can I transition from being the chillest alt bro in a nyc suburb to being surrounded by people more creative and artistic than me?
I mean, my graphic tee collection is okay, but I've never met Steve Akoi.

Im in desperate need of help, please answer

HRO SAYS:
Many people have not met Steve Aoki, but the important part is that you look at him once a week in party pix. It's basically the same as being on a celebrity's buddy list. Have confidence in your personal brand. Don't wear too much American Apparel too early... You don't want people to think that you have outsourced your personal style choices in a bad way. Being from an NYC suburb is a lot closer to coolness than most of the people you will encounter. They will have to try way harder than you. Just make sure to establish yourself early as 'the dbag who thinks he knows everything about alternative topics' as opposed to letting some other dbag take that position. If you establish yourself as the alpha-Design Student, you will be fingerbanging graduate students before you know it.
Here's a copy of my fave book. It's about architecture and 'being a strong person.' Maybe u could read it?


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so confuzed asks:
should i go to design school and major in fashion? OR should i go to fashion school and major in design?
what should i do about darfur? is it too early to have an ironic fundraising party? should i wait another year? will darfur still be around?
one more carles, if you have a minute. if i can't get a job at a coffee shop this summer and have to work at coldstone creamery (again), should i end it all?

HRO SAYS:
NO MATTER WHAT U DO, U WILL FIND URSELF. Don't waste your time worrying about Darfur. It will be wiped out with the rest of the world in 2012. Just suck it up and work at Coldstone Creamery. Become really good friends with the people who work there, and develop your own inside jokes and go to Chili's after work. Even though they are kinda mainstream, they will help u realize that you just want real friends, not something as fleeting as alternative social status. Working in a coffee shop is usually a bad idea unless you are like 29 and didn't go to college but still think you are an important member of society because of your self-proclaimed intellect.

You should seriously consider going pre-med or maybe even pursuing your master's in Accounting.

You haven't lived until you have mixed various candy and nuts into old people's ice cream.

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ALTBRO VS. ALTBRO WRITES:
Dear hipster runoff

If your bro is still wearing neon t-shirts and ironic glasses that he found at a Goodwill to clubs and all the alt girls will not even take him seriously as a wingman because all the other dudes are wearing muted american app hoodies and aNYthing tees, how do you tell him he is giving everyone douche chills and needs to change his ways without hurting his feelings?
yours sincerely, alt bros dressing better 4 2K9.

HRO SAYS:
Alt Bro Packs make decisions as one, and you need to do your part to influence all of your bros to stop being FGGTs. Non-self aware alt bros don't have real feelings. All t
hey can feel is angst and jealousy. Most of their problems comes from 'social frustration' and they would trade their mother's life for an opportunity to have been a Crombie in 6th grade. Don't take non-self-aware altbros seriously just because you deal with how pathetic they are on a daily basis. They will call you next weekend to find out where the party is.

[Photo by Lzrfangz]
Do alt bros REALLY have feelings worth worrying about?

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CHILDPREDATOR WRITES:
carles
i got some serious issues i'm nearing death (28) and the only p00n i seemed to be getting is from drunk ass slutty hipster 15-17 year olds (girlz/boyz). i pretend to be 20 cause i have bad complexion, and my mom tells me i deserve to be on dateline's to catch a predator. moms has also stopped speaking to me, and demanded that i see a counselor. all this has been making me feel like i am matthew mcconaughey in dazed and confused, i just can't stop dry humping minors, what should i do?

HRO SAYS:
There's no real age limit when it comes to banging alternative broads. It's sort of like a social contract that 'if you are underaged and partying, you openly want to be violated by an alternative older man.' There's no such thing as an alternative predator. Look for more kreeps to start being alts, since the parents of alt-teen-sluts don't really mind when some old dude who 'thinks he is so goddamn cool' starts banging their 15 year old daughter.

Agyness Deyn is actually a 13 year old boy from Utah.
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<3 <3 <3
I HOPE YOU FOUND THIS ADVICE TO BE USEFUL, AND YOU CAN APPLY IT TO YOUR DAILY LIFE. WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS THAT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT. HRO IS ONE OF THE ONLY TRUE FRIENDS YOU HAVE. YOU CAN TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING. SEND ME GMAILS, OR JUST LEAVE COMMENTS WITH ADVICE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE PROBLEMS.

WE ARE LIKE A FAMILY, YALL. NEVER FORGET WHO UR REAL ONLINE FRIENDS ARE...

LET'S GET VULNERABLE
<3 <3 <3

Agyness Deyn

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Agyness Deyn is a model and 'it girl'

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