Lately, MTV has been doing these in-depth investigative journalism pieces about parts of the world no1 has ever heard about. I wanted to share these rlly informative pieces with yall, because I assume that if you read this blog, you are one of the most culturally-connected persons within your local community. You are a first-line tastemaker, and you deserve to know about [EXCLUSIVE] stuff like this.
Please note that these videos are [HIGHLY RECCD], not only because you get to see John Norris’ never-ending-quest to be a lil alt, but because you want to understand what it’s like to participate in the revolution that is a geographically-contained creative renaissance.
Note: HIGHLY RECCT VIDEOS MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE IN YOUR RSS READER
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Un-Earthed Location #1: A small American city called “Portland, Oregon.”
Did this video almost make your head explode, too? SRSLY. I rlllly hate Portland and any other ’second tier’ cities that claim to be culturally relevant by playing up the whole ‘alternative gimmick.’ There is an excess of shitty musicians who are Starbucks/Chili’s employees in every city, so I hate when a city’s personal brand revolves around ’sounding like they really mean it when they make their shitty music/attend their shitty, awkward concerts.’
I’d say Austin, TX is pretty good example of ’shitty city who is gimmickifying it’s underwhelmingly-alternative brand’, too. Most of the music in Austin, TX is more approachable indie fodder than the Portland concept crap, so I’ll give the edge to Portland when it comes to ‘moderately alt cities that major-city-alts-want-to-move-to-bc-they-think-their-life-will-be-simple, yet-authentic,yet-still-as-alt as they feel comfortable with.’ No matter what, we all need an alt-city full of alts to feel comfortable around without the high-cost-of-living that major metropolitan areas have. Don’t you feel like you have met a lot of people who have idealized Portland and Austin as ‘heaven on alt-earth’? Like they imagine settling down with a humble-&-emotionally-connected trophy alt who is done with his/her ‘partying phase’ and ready to start buying well-designed carriages for their newborn babies (lil alts).
Common traits of overhyped 2nd rate alternative cities:
- Perception of being ‘green’
- Perception of a bustling ‘local economy’
- A high ‘basically unemployment’ rate (this figure represents people who are over 30, but still have the jobs a 16 year old would have)
- An excess of corporate and independent coffee shops
- An excess of people with too many tattoos working in independent coffee shops
- An excess of coffee shop employees playing RLLY gimmicky ‘interesting’ music in coffee shops during their shifts/playing the albums of their friend’s band who sound exactly like _______
- Overhearing the ‘future plans’ of people who work in these coffee shops to start their own business in design/food/recordstore/boutique/other alternative biz idea.
- An excess of people in bands that have shows in an excess of venues
- An otherwise stable maintream economy which allows the alternative population to work in the service industry. While this usually happens in all cities, the minorities in the service industry are replaced by these aging alts.
- Overhearing all of these people talking about stuff that was cool between 2 to 40 years ago. They basically have a 2 year delay on ‘what is currently cool’ and usually just rely on ‘liking aesthetics/bands that are from before 1985.’
- A handful of decent bands, a few imitators, and a bunch of krappie bands that have tied their identity to their home city and guilt their friends into attending their show/post a lot of myspace bulletins to impressionable local-17-year olds.
- They attempt to assert their city-wide inferiority complexes by having excessive representation when it comes to liberal activities, particularly ‘marches.’ Examples include Gay Pride Marches, Anti-Racism Marches, Marches Against ‘The War’, and general Marches Against Stuff That Exists Because of Conservative People.
- These cities have significant populations of ‘cool dads’ and ‘free spirited moms’ by choice/believe in their personal images, as opposed to the real-city versions of these parents who are simply ‘participating in a gimmick which they have no control over.’
- A lot of these cities have a major university or a well-branded liberal arts school with a progressive identity which the ‘hip side of town’ feels like they need to cater to in order to keep up sales of vegan wraps, pizza-made-from-only-organic-ingredients, and interesting t-shirts.
N e ways. Do yall like these types of cities or what? Am I wrong? Should the Mayor of Portland ’show me around the alt side of town’ and then ‘take me on a tour of their business district’?
I think a lot of cities/hip communities within a city all have some of these traits. Did I miss n e traits?
[PLEASE NOTE: I DO LIKE STARFUCKER FROM PORTLAND, BUT I WILL STOP LIKING THEM WHEN PEOPLE START CALLING THEM 'THE NEXT MGMT' AND THEIR RCRD LABEL FORCES THEM TO CHANGE THEIR NAME. ]
[PLEASE NOTE: I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE GONE THROUGH AN EXISTENTIAL PHASE WHERE I LISTENED TO A LOT OF THE MICROPHONES AND HAVE DECIDED TO NOT TAKE ANYTHING FROM PORTLAND SERIOUSLY IN ORDER TO FORGET THE PERSON WHO I USED TO THINK I WAS IN 2KNEVER.]
[PLEASE NOTE: I H8 95% OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET FROM PORTLAND. I THINK I JUST DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK WHERE THEY LIVE IS ANY MORE/LESS INTERESTING THAN N E WHERE ELSE.]
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Unearthed Location #2: A country called France
Can some one please explain the differences between the bands JUS-TICE and JEW-STEESE? If they are going to use an American world, I think they should say it like a proud American. “Justice” was a concept invented in America, so it doesn’t matter how.
N e ways, this video is s00 true. Those Frenchies are stealing our culture and selling it back 2 us. SOME1 NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. Our American alternative celebrities are letting us down. Also, the American government should ban foreign artists from utilizing our memes and media from the past in order to make money off their art. America should probably ally with Australia in the ElectroWar.
Journalists need to stop focusing on geographic locations, and start realizing that
we all live on the Internet. There’s no such thing as a ‘city’ n e m0re, yall. We’re all citizens of Blogville/the blogosphere/the memesphere/the information super fagway.
In conclusion, we need America to unite as a nation to create popular alternative music. Carles is doing his best to help the United States by working hard on the HIPSTER RUNOFF debut EP.
HRO is sooo mainstream. I can’t believe I still blg abt all of these mainstream bands that are alllll over MTV.
I’m just searching for authentic authenticity. 
101 Comments
-jousteece-
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are stupid looking sunglasses totes mainstream at this point now?
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Few nights ago I fucked an american mainstream girl while listening to that TEENAGERS song. It was wild. She was such a slut.
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“Don’t you feel like you have met a lot of people who have idealized Portland and Austin as ‘heaven on alt-earth’?.”
sounds like mpls
I might add that the video just starting boring me after like 1 minutes. I hate when people talk about how ocol their scene is. u are right crls… it’s the internet scene now. it’s a gift to have your music scene as people u meet all over the world on the net, not in ur own artsy fartsy town
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I HATE PORTLAND.
ALL THOSE BANDS CAN SUCK MY NOLA BALLZ.
ALL PORTLAND IS GOOD FOR IS ORGANIC PRODUCE, WEARING GREY AA HOODIES, AND THICK-FRAMED GLASSES.
FUCK THEM.
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ISN’T IT COOL HOW PORTLAND IS ALL WHITE PEOPLE
SOOOOO ALT
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oh my god john norris is such a fggt.
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John Norris needs to give up the alt-dream. He’ll never be as cool as Cool Dad Stephen Malkmus.
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crls face it…ur part of the problem..SRSLY
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P.S. I didnt even read the post!
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the people ive known that live in portland are fggts. they think they’re all that. matter of fact…the people that i know in portland actually lived in austin previously.
Austin is ruined.
GET READY PORTLAND, you’re next!
enjoy it while it lasts…
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why does everyone get so angry about portland?
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juice-tease! you’ve got to be kidding me… what uh ghey.
mtv tries too hard.
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i fucking hate mtv
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tbh i like the decembrists they r from portland also WHAT EVR HAPPEND 2 KURT LODER
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anonymous said…
juice-tease! you’ve got to be kidding me… what uh ghey.
mtv tries too hard.
July 18, 2008 4:59 PM
anonymous said…
i fucking hate mtv
July 18, 2008 5:13 PM
CRLS STOP KILLING MY LIFESTYLE! stick to posting pictures of FGGTS!
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i saw kurt loder at the last girl talk concert in nyc. girl talk is such a talented musician.
…btw great post carles.
“An otherwise stable maintream economy which allows the alternative population to work in the service industry. While this usually happens in all cities, the minorities in the service industry are replaced by these aging alts.”
omg rofl
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“Portland is the only city that has different kinds of bands playing on the same bill.”
Thanks Panther, you’ve just rendered yourself retarded. Almost as retarded as your music itself.
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“Portland is the only city that has different kinds of bands playing on the same bill.”
that’s whaty I f@cking hate about my city. not portland but may as well be. f@cking A. I want a situation I can play with a like minded band, not a F@cking “electronica folk indie band that plays with fiddles and tweaked speak and spells, and a casio keyboard.”
ooh, creative!!!! kill me or ship me away plz.
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wow could that have any more srsly stupid quotables in those videos? like the beer drinking comment, like you give a shit? you’re just going to drink PBR anyway [which btw is the best selling american beer now!] or the bars/coffee shops? welcome to any college town, USA.
i bet norris had to give a lot of tugs to get these interviews.
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“like, yeah, like, portland, is so cool.. like, everyone, is in , like a band, and we play, like house parties.”
*PLAYS DISSONANT CHORDS AND SCREAMS INTO MICROPHONE*
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most of these people represent a dumber side of portland. people need to stop moving to portland, it’s annoying.
and why don’t they talk about all the condos they’re building? i saw a shot of a condo when they were talking about how portland is “still growing” does still growing mean tearing down old buildings and making condos for rich yuppies?
i heard they’re turning a condo that’s currently being produced into over priced apartments because there are too many condos and not enough people (that can afford them).
portland is alright but it should stray away from indie rock and noise music a little more
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Vancouver BC
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p.s. portland was better five years ago.
p.p.s. seattle still sucks more than portland.
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I LOVE CHILI’S
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BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
jouteese.
what a dumb fuck.
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Looks like Mr Norris was living in tug paradise 2.1 in France
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plz be positive and luv all of mankind charlez.
i dont even know where in new york portland oregon is…can you include a map next time?
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please post more meme
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does this mean australia is winning the war?
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I literally recognized people I know in both the portland one and the france one….How alt am I.
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Wait till they find out about Berlin.
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FUCKIN KRAPPY FGGT JOHN NORRIS
“JEW-STEESE” HAHAH FUCKIN’ MURK HIM
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berlin = over (i hear that’s where peaches vacations)
montreal = over (peaches doesn’t even go there to pee anymore)
p-town = COME ON, people hate portland b/c people who live there are so self-centered. they don’t even know that there is a portland, maine (SRSLY, they dob’t)
louisville kentucky = portland of the middle of US and A, but still kentucky
vancouver = the only hope, especially when we all have the diabeetis and need kidney transplants and pancreas implants and u know the alt jobs in US and A don’t have bennies.
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@ molly - um . . . not very alt? still?
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MTV is just putting on the spin. portland is more on the alt side, but its not completely out of whack with any other city. theres still plety of mainstreamers. I live here and im on a knifes edge about if all the altness is annoying or not. im dont hump portlands reputation either, but then again i havent lived anywhere else.
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you know what is funny? when you ask people from portland about people from aloha claiming to be from portland.
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i love it when people born in the 50s working for a channel that became irrelevant in the 90s interview random d-bags about scenes. more pls
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JOHN NOR-ASS BECAME ONE DIRTY, UGLY, CREEPY FGGT!!! WTF HAPPENED TO HIM?! IS HE LIKE 60 NOW?!
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@DJ JONESBIRD: i am stuck in louisiana too. how the fuck do we get out of here?
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carles is just bitter bc he is from dallas.
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john norris: he’d sell his soul to fuck a lil alt
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well like justice is a french word, just pronounced like that
also its funny when he says “we call it french touch” and the idiot mtv subtitle dude (can mainstreams not understand french accents???) writes FRENCH DUB…..isn’t there like 100000 ppl who work at mtv? shouldn’t one of them know that justice is not dub???
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yeah, um JUST-ICE, is actually the anglizication of the french word, justice, pronounced, jewsteece.
and yeah french dub is pretty wrong
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POST MORE PICS OF VAMPIRES WITH BAD DYE JOBS, PLZ!
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Portland gives me an absolute headache, more than Austin ever will. The perfect alt city has yet to be made and probably never will thanks to the electroWar.
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Austin is the only place to live in TXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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It’s so fucking hot here thoo adsofibweoviawhrovuaeriuvbaeiruhbaierugho983yg98yqp3924t8gpw2048u0309q303958nbp9438n
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I thought Justice was cool until I saw someone dressed up as them for Halloween.
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relevant authentic readable entry
vgj
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Portland was over 3 years ago.
Austin = blechhh
MTV is trying waaaay too hard.
Its either gonna V BC or
Seattle again.
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crls is from texas this chick I smash knows his boyfriend
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HRO is MTV!
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fucking worst comments ever
seriously
i dont even care about Portland
BLOG ABOUT AUSTRALIA!
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Yo i heard Carles is a bigot.
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Word? I heard he was a clstdfggt from SoCal. Poor guy.
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“like, yeah, like, portland, is so cool.. like, everyone, is in , like a band, and we play, like house parties.”
*PLAYS DISSONANT CHORDS AND SCREAMS INTO MICROPHONE*
Best comment so far. I don’t want an opinion of my own.. that’d be so fake. LOL
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An excess of people in bands that have shows in an excess of venues
How can you criticize this? There are too many people in bands, playing too many shows in these "alt cities"? TOO MANY SHOWS? I Thought this was a legitimate blog, but based on such self-loathing sentiments, it must be some fggt's lj.
yr search for authentic authenticity shouldn't be so shallow. <3 u crls. Stop now.
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i’m from portland and my feelings have been hurt. How can the blogosphere be so unkind?
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YO!
fuck the blogosphere!
Nerds!
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Menomena and Yacht are way down. and BURNSIDE SKATEPARK has MAD STREET CRED.
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in august, they are gonna loose the last hope, and we can’t wait to have him in new york!
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am i faggy?
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i luv portland cuz its organic n not manufactured.
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YES CARLES JOIN WITH US AUSTALIAN’S…. WE ARE THE NEW FRENCH WAVE….
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“it’s basically like an artistic arena for everyone to just like, try new things.. it’s almost like a friendly competition”
“you can be doing something super weird and people will congratulate you for your courage”
is friendly competition what it’s all about crles?
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CRLS you are blogging at the tender bloody heart of our darkest fears. (namely, that we all might just be regular people under all the krayzie glasses and clothes and if you took away our synthesizers and geetars and plastic cups of alt alkahawl we’d be the same as the mainstrmers we went to high school with who became lawyers and moved to alexandria, VA). that is why this comment spot is blowing up.
KEEP BLOGGING THE TRUTH!!!!!!
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am i a faggy?
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Portland will always be Porkland. But Austin is pretty kewl because it has the highest proportion of kute girls of any American city. It also has a buttload of mainstreamers, which is good so that theres pple to beat up the alternative pple who become too gay.
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portland sucks, even austin is better but for those who don’t know Tempe is the new hotness
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this is bullshit, jous-teece, hahaha, and the song wasn’t inspired by michael jackson, it was an “aumage”, its actually inspired on a larry levan remix…
i hate mtv and their gimmicky ways of hyping up old stuff to kids who spray their shorts when they watch an episode of tila tequila…
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I am from Portland, and it has been going on musicically since way before Colin Meloy moved here , it hasn’t changed, except that now most of the bands are not originally from here like they used to be…. it is still a great music scene…I can also tell you, that Starfucker is one of the very few bands in that video, that grew up in Portland . ( the only asshols you sometimes come across were definitely NOT born ad raised ).
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The pope is in australia HE must know what’s up!
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BIG CITIES
THEY R S0 MNSTRM.
move, FGGTS
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ive never heard of this portland is it in upstate NY?
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thanks for posting this these kids drive me fucking crazy.. how are minimum wage harbucks jobs and SHIT music good life aspirations “its like s00ooo liberal and all everybody is just having friendly co-existance of music and basement mold sickness while we get fat dont take showers drink 40s and chainsmoke cheap cigs”
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is the next alt city going to be from:
a) South America
b) Indonesia
c) Antarctica
d) Some European City That’s Been Alt/Mnstrm Forever
u decide
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Portland sucks. Bad. It’s so crunchy. I went there on tour for the first time about a month ago. I expected it to be so cool. But I just hated it. I met someone at a coffee shop who fits your ‘too many tattoos at a coffee shop’ description perfectly. He invited us to go on a naked bike ride. We said we had to play a show and then like 4 hours later we coincidentally ended up watching him ride naked down the street with 1,000 of his other crunchy friends; totally naked. We played a show at this total mod club (we are a folk/americana band) and everyone there looked like Rod Stewart and stared at us funny. I ran through some park with my friend the next day and got yelled at by d-bags driving by in a truck. Then we stopped into Trader Joe’s. I overheard someone in the next aisle talking about how they love shopping there because ‘everyone is on the same page.’ I’m staring at a Trader Joe’s right now. I’m in Boston. No one is on the same page here. The people we crashed with knew Sexton Blake though…which was pretty cool. Overall Portland was NOTHING AT ALL like I expected it to be. I won’t go back unless I have to.
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south americans are like actually more alt than the altest places in the usa
bogota buenos aires and mexico city are hella alt.
in europe there is no mainstreamers so there is no such thing as alt, just smart ppl who arent happy enuff
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crls i need help
i like to consider myself alt but i study law at a mnstrm uni and have a pc desktop computer.
i tried to be with an alt girl with short aggy haircut but got freeked out by her looking like a little boy and left her after one depressing tuggy.
i listen ti guys like metronomy but im worried they’ll become mainstreem like me.
when will LOTP get mainstream it seems like they just make expensive videos wearing weird tribal shit like mgmt and release singles but no one ever hears them except for on blogs
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gainsville is the new austin
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Yeah i agree w/ the fact that the music alt scene is all one big mash potato all up in there,
but common, at least austin is almost international. like holy eff, the same steve aoki that you have on your site goes there to party so don’t bash it too hard. And btw, you probably would love it if you lived in austin. Austin city limits, SXSW, those are probably what you dream about. And if you think austin is lame, look at your effing sight name. and if you ask, i dont know why i’m on your blog either. i bet you are some 15 year old in her bedroom doing things in between watching FUSE and MTV and ordering things off of Ebay and American Apparrel, and if the internet is well, maybe buy something nice at UO.
congrats for being able to have a blog like most of america and practically all of asia.
and btw. why are you such a creeper to asians?
are you asian? either way thats weird. no asian calls white people cute, cuz they are all creepy for asians. anyone else feeling me?
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hey stfu crls is beta then u
no1 is feeling u
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i live in austin. its for fggts.
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fuck mtv
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I cant believe you people waste your lives worrying about being “alt” or if a city is “alt” enough.
Maybe the guy/girl at the shop with “too many tattoos” genuinely doesn’t care what you think and is in much happier state of mind because of it.
I srsly hope this blog is meant to be taken ironically.
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A. I got 2 layz & dint read all the cmmts after #10 but u forgot how about the have extremely large Austin/Portland expat populations in brooklyn– where they all go once some of teh smarter kids get sick of smallsville scenecest, leaving behind the aging coffee shop shit job alts, etc
B. portland/austin = that one website about stuff white ppl like, exaxtly. #1 & #2 city 2b whitie alt. but mayb portland has mor azns?
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“u are just saying what everyone’s thinking… said…
CRLS you are blogging at the tender bloody heart of our darkest fears. (namely, that we all might just be regular people under all the krayzie glasses and clothes and if you took away our synthesizers and geetars and plastic cups of alt alkahawl we’d be the same as the mainstrmers we went to high school with who became lawyers and moved to alexandria, VA). that is why this comment spot is blowing up.
KEEP BLOGGING THE TRUTH!!!!!!
July 19, 2008 10:37 AM”
ARE YOU A SOCIOLOGY MAJOR? WHY ARE YOU SO RIGHT?
Maybe I’ll bow out of this alt-race while I’m still young, before I get anymore tattoos, before I’m convinced that using my art school degree to get a managerial position at an indie coffee shop is a good idea.
In 30 years, I don’t want to look like FEMALE JOHN NORRIS. Mnstrmrs have it so easy. Could y’all give me a ride to the mall tomorrow?
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who givz a fuk about what UUUU think about Portland? The only thing more boring than here is THAT.
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I live in Portland and it’s fun!
avoid
pretentia!
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I love living in Dallas.
No “alt” BS to deal with.
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you forgot to mention all the fixie faggots. 91fixed.com lolz
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what are sum more citys
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WTF? Portland is fucking rad.
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Unfortunately, this video represents the typical Portland very, very well.
But you can live in Portland and hate indie rock, not be a greeeen vegan, and not own a fixed gear.
Such as me. I hate most of the artists in that video,(especially White Fang) I eat shitty meat everyday, I don’t give jack to the environment, and I drive my V6 around town all day yelling at bikers because the faggots act like they own the road.
Fuck this video and fuck typical Portland.
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@ above:
you probably hate most of the artists in that video because they actually have gigs in portland and you do not. move the fuck outta our city and cry somewhere else.
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Yep. You Hate Portland. Please. Stay Away. Have fun in LA or NYC or whatever. I hate the fucks in that video too. Except that I love Portand and want twats like the ones featured in to video to die die die. Stay away from Portland. It sucks for you.
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plz don’t move to portland. it is awful just like these alts say.
its so not alty enuff for you so don’t move here okay thnx
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FUCKS WHO HATE PORTLAND, STAY AWAY.
we like it here without you.
PDXLOVE 24/7 SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY
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wentz actually admitted to being a fggt in this months OUT magazine……i couldn’t help but pick it up….i like boys who like boys!
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Dear HIPSTER RUNOFF:
I want to be a better alt. Should I move to a less interesting city? My friends don’t like my bangs.
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Austin definitely sucks. You should not come here. Ever.
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