Have yall read about how America doesn’t have any good artists n e more, and how we have to import our culture from France/the UK/Australia/Jappy-an/Scandinavia/Estonia in order to stay on the cutting edge of global alt status?
Fortunately, NME compiled a list of bands that have kept America c00l.
According to NME, these r 25 bands that r ‘making America cool again.’ I think they got some of them wrong.
HRO [EXCLUSIVE] BREAKDOWN
1 Vampire Weekend - is it Alt to hate them? or is it alt-er to transcend ‘hating them’? or is it alt-est to pretend you don’t really know who they are?
2 Lil Wayne - filling the quarterly demand for a rapper that it is [highly regarded] as being historically significant by white people who like to pretend that pop-rap is an important reflection on the social evolution of African Americans that they feel tolerant about ‘identifying with’
3 Glass Candy - a band making your electroblog authentic again/ 1 band with the #1 MILF in alt music
4 Kings Of Leon - I have heard 1.5 of their songs. They will probably be around forever and I will never give them a chance.
5 MGMT – Please direct your attention to this post about why uninteresting people think they are supposed to like MGMT.
6 Spank Rock - 1 post-post-ironic sex-core think-piece rapper. If I were a black person, I would h8 him for ‘making fun of us and thinking he is s00 smart/artsy.’
7 TV On The Radio - I think they would choose to be from another country if they had the opportunity, since it would make them ‘more authentic.’
8 Boy Crisis – with a name like that, they are probably going after the market of people who like to say ‘GIRL TALK’. But SRSLY…who is that?
9 Black Kids – 1 band that I will never learn the difference between them + The Cool Kids
10 Holy Ghost Revival -Is this HOLY GHOST! or some different band?
11 The Hold Steady - for some reason I think this band is from the emo-era of 2k0
12 Fleet Foxes - Am I not a good American if I haven’t bothered to look into finding a way to appreciate them? Does n e 1 know if they are meaningful? Or are they one of those post-2k8 semi-meaningful-authentic bands that probably should have come around in 2005 so they wouldn’t be cannibalized by blogs. (Being cannibalized by bl0gs only works for electro-ish artists, but they aren’t expecting to get paid.)
13 Amazing Baby - Have they been blggd abt? They might as well be a local band that I ignore.
14 Jay Reatard - He has an interesting name, but otherwise, I shouldn’t know who he is. Does n e 1 know if he is retarded IRL? Is that his stage gimmick?
15 HEALTH - I wonder what these concept bros are up to. Is there a HEALTH backlash after 2 many remixes?
16 The Cool Kids - 1 band that I will never learn the difference between them + The Black Kids
17 Black Lips - Do they sing the song about Hurricane Katrina? Are they one of those bands like NO AGE that sux, but ‘people appreciate them’?
18 Yo Majesty – With that kind of name, they are either an overweight black rapper, or a UK ‘highly regarded’ retro-ish band
19 White Denim - another band that high-end alts acclimate themselves to since GVB enjoys them. I <3 the power of the gorillvsbear. It’s cool because I have been GVBed, therefore, I am significant.
20 Telepathe - Sounds like they are from France.
21 Iglu & Hartly - Huh? They must have gone to high school with the magazine editor.
22 Chester French -Who?
23 Girl Talk – I wonder if he’d be bigger if he was from France/Japan? Based on the fact that he is on this list, it means that he is America’s #1 DJ. R u comfortable with that? I’d rather have him representing us in the DJ Olympics instead of some guido/eurotrash d-bag playing tacky thump-house music.
24 The Death Set – they probably have a ghey logo/ gheyer fans
25 Grace Jones - Is that the woman who looks like she is made out of plastic/used to be a mummy?
If NME really wanted to help rebuild America’s image, they should have written an article that declared ‘all other countries bl0w/r full of inauthentic ‘fggts’.’
I don’t even believe in ‘countries’ any more, yall. Borders = s0 2k7. I feel like we’re all just citizens of Blogville in the United States of the Alt-Internet. It doesn’t matter where n e 1 is even from… I just want a free mp3 and I want to see ‘the next big band’ more than 6 months before they are ‘big.’
America is fine. We just need to find a way to make sure that ________ ends up as the President. I heard he is going to lower the legal ______ age for entry level alts/lil alts. He will also pass an electro-tax that is meant to give money to myspace bands. They are also in talks to distribute a copy of Ableton Live to every single child in a public school.
If NME wants to help America get a better image, they need to start at the ground level. They need to get kids portable hypemachine players to replace their iPods/satellite radios. Our generation is lost. We just need to work for the future, and focus on alt-lectro education. That’s the only way to win THE WAR ON lofi/garage/cockrock/fggtcore/meaningfulcore/underwhelming-indie TERROR.
‘The only way to save our world is to Americanize it. Especially the brown-ish countries that believe in 2ManyGods.’
-HIPSTER RUNOFFS
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