When I graduated from High School (got a G.E.D. cuz I outgrew a lot of the social bullshit rlly quickly) and made a 10 year plan, I realized that I wanted a job that not only provided financial security, but more importantly projected an image that enabled people to think that I am ‘cool’ and ‘passionate about what I do at the same time.’ Picking a career is a difficult, soul-searching journey/ongoing quest for self-awareness+actualization.
When you are building a personal brand, you want a brand so strong that people want to emulate it. Kinda like Michael Jackson when he was in the process of turning white. You want other people to want your life.
Picking your authentic alt career is difficult. Sometimes it takes a lot of hard work. Sometimes it means ’standing up 2 ur parentz bullshit expectations’ and/or ’societal norms.’ It means taking risks, going to college, not going to college, changing your major, taking a year off, and transferring to a school where u r socially comfortable+’academically stimulated.’ It means being yourself and being some one else. While ‘wanting 2 make ur parents proud’ is an innate within all humans, authentic alts are willing to rage against this desire. Your pride is the most important thing in the world. Your pride, your terms.
This is ur life.
WHO DO U WANT 2 B?
//////
HIPSTER RUNOFF PRESENTS
//////
THE MOST AUTHENTIC ALTERNATIVE CAREERS
/////
The Guy who works the soundboard at concerts. He knows a lot about sound quality, systems, and bands.
DJ at a shitty radio station/college radio station/guy who is affiliated with a university 5+ years after graduating & not getting a real job.
“Door guy” who multitasks as a bouncer/ticket tearer/janitor.
Buffalo Exchange employee
Am Appy employee
postpostironic McDonalds employee
Start an indie band that is better at ‘looking like an indie band’ than it is at making music
Start a web 2.0 company
Start the first myspace profile
Work for a web marketing company who tries to get products/services/memes to go viral for companies who don’t ‘get’ how the internet works. h8 when ‘big businesses’ don’t understand the importance of the meme economy.
Work at Costco
Be a Zany Doctor
Work at a free spirited, local coffee shop
Work at Starbucks (great benefits, yall)
Go 2 beauty school.
Learn photoshop/become a designer. Carles is certified in Photoshop CS1.
Transition your name into a fashion label / be a judge on a Bravo show / make clothes for keut women.
Buy a video camera and make a lil meaningful film.
Start a blog!
Go on a Bravo Show/pretend u r ‘into the design sciences.’
Become an altCEO // start a ‘plain tee shirt company’ that is ‘fueled by legal Mexis’
Spend ur whole life ‘becoming good at the internet’ for no real reason.
[via Designnotes]
Tattoo artist
Apple Store Employee
Blipster Apple Store Employee
Make a viral vid
Note: Working in a record store is no longer an authentic alternative career in the postMP3 blog era.
************
Yall have a lot of options to express your personal brands. I’m sure I left out tons of options. Feel free to add some more to the comments.
In conclusion, it is just important to always remember the power of your alternative self, and the power of alternative free will. You are not functioning within the implied expectations of society. You will justify your life at any cost. You want people to understand that you are at your job for a reason. Even if you are just ‘working at a coffee shop before you move to NYC to get a job at a design firm after you get your portfolio of doodles+MSPaint files together.’
Never give up on you. You are special. Eventually, you will find a way to get paid for just being yourself. You have a unique perspective on the world, and eventually, you will find a way to let people know ‘who u really are’, establishing a platform where people will listen 2 u, and most importantly, want 2 b u. (kinda like God/Michael Jordan/theGirlTalk/Macauly Culkin circa Home Alone).
69 Comments
1st?
[Reply]
I just want to be a sell out…wait…check. Now I can move on to more important things, like how to achieve my next look…Beatle wanna be!
[Reply]
Ah gawd I’m lolling!
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Nice designer made the list haha.
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does analyst make the list? confused y’all. i just want to be myself/zany/authentic.
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what abt being the ‘future’ of the internet? working @ digg, twitter, youtube, current tv..
authenticity on the internet = inventing it.
[Reply]
Thank U CTRLS. I go to med school and have been uncertain if I could do that, and still remain alt. Now that you have verified my future profession, I can really devote myself to it, and become the best zany doctor ever! All i evar wanted to do was join Médecins Sans Frontières and help out badly wounded LCTRO-war soliders. H8 electrolightningbolt stabbings, s00 hard to stich up zig-zag wounds U guys.
[Reply]
//////////Reply by tuggies 4 clrs
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 3:42 pm
@Jon, so scared, i didn’t even think about what it must be like for the meds on the frontlines of the lectro world war I. h8 death & violence.
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wish i could post a picture here.
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CRLS,
how many times do I have to remind you of the importance of the art school economy in supplying America with delusional alt 22 year olds with the idea that they “are going to make it as artists”? Maybe it’s redundant to even say that alts want to become fine artists. This listing is a really accurate representation of everything that people turn to when they’re 23, completed their BFA and realize all of their homework assignments for school won’t get them represented by “The Deitch Projects”.
[Reply]
most buffalo exchange employees are a bunch of entry level alts that just got over jesus, with a very well accessorized closet!!!
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none of them, authentic ppl don’t have jobs, they just do what they want and get paid… ye
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psychoanalyst is auth alt
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Planned parenthood/ abort-bort clinc staff, magician, progressive 5th grade teacher @ public school, and cocaine drug runner r pretty alt
[Reply]
is being a journalist/writing for an authentic music magazine alt??
[Reply]
//////////Reply by cleftydave
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 5:04 pm
@anonymous, no, it nvr was, nvr will be. mwak!
[Reply]
//////////Reply by anonymous
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 6:07 pm
@cleftydave, hah. jewed me.
[Reply]
//////////Reply by xoX0
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 8:18 pm
@anonymous,
no weigh. unless it is unpaid n u hav to werk @ strip club 2 mak rent
[Reply]
//////////Reply by anonymous
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 8:52 pm
@xoX0, hmmm…interesting.
[Reply]
hey HRO how authentic was cowboy bebop?
[Reply]
//////////Reply by childpred
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
@anon, it’s all about fullmetal alchemist.
[Reply]
//////////Reply by anones
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 9:39 pm
@anon, vry. it has the most authentic music of all
[Reply]
is being joe the plumber auth alt?
[Reply]
//////////Reply by Sarah E.F.
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 8:53 pm
@robot, dude….Joe has to be mainstream now, right???
[Reply]
whtvr working at amoeba is still alt as fck.
oldskool altjobs- playwrite, sax poet, sculptor, opium fiend.
[Reply]
//////////Reply by Tar
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
@cleftydave, these are still altjobs, but only plausible for altbags now.
how the time have changed…
[Reply]
wrkin @ p4kmedia
[Reply]
//////////Reply by james
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 5:36 pm
@marc,
not at all
[Reply]
Would being the first brown president make me alt? Or would it just make me a target for a racially motivated hate crime
I h8 racism yall, its not auth-alt
[Reply]
what about a printer? in this era of the internets and computers and such, don’t you think that providing others with something that is about to become obsolete is pretty authentic?
[Reply]
//////////Reply by xOX0
//////////Posted October 23rd, 2008 at 8:19 pm
@eeeeeeeee,
yezz
[Reply]
//////////Reply by alexx
//////////Posted January 26th, 2009 at 2:09 am
@xOX0,
i think the printing, ad & magazine ind. would have something to say about their apparent obsolescence…
[Reply]
I dropped outta law school cause suits don’t express my personal brand. Now I work for a non profit that ‘works with my local community’ to keep at risk youth off the ’street’. I also whore myself out to two music blogs for the free promos . Totally heard the new vivian girls and of Montreal before they came out. Does it make me more authentic to hate on music before it comes out? <3 authentic careers.
[Reply]
Have you ever noticed that all the blipsters have white iPhones and all the have have black iPhones. Are we all trying not to be the racists but really are?
[Reply]
What about parent-supported rich kid?
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Hey CRLS, how ’bout L.A.C.’s? For the alt that’s turned 25-30, completely destroyed all his opportunities for anything else other then gettin’ sbr and teachin’ fellow alt’s how to not be junkies anymore I find much fulfillment/authenticity in my live, makes me more interpersonal as well. think ’bout it.
[Reply]
grad student in sumthin pointlezz
wrkin @ trader jos
whole foods?
[Reply]
//////////Reply by altison
//////////Posted June 2nd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
@xOX0, trader joes is def more alt auth than whole foods. i’m actually applying for a job at am appy rite now haha
[Reply]
i always thought being an academic/phd student was pretty authentic. at least gillis had that going for him.
s00 hard. gotta balance too much stuff in the career search, something:
1. u enjoy doing (not [post] ironically, or to fit a trend]
2. truly authentic to ur brand
3. that pays a ton of dough so u can afford all the greygoose
4. in a major urban area with the right ’scene’
5. tugs
[Reply]
Maps & Atlases rocks.
Your mother is a whore.
[Reply]
yeah, charles. maps & atlases are better than your dumb blog. the only thing “alt” about your blog is pressing alt+F4.
[Reply]
//////////Reply by Zak
//////////Posted December 23rd, 2008 at 4:15 am
@brian, oooooooohhhhhhhh buuuuuuurrrrrrrrrnnnnnn
[Reply]
//////////Reply by lolfailure
//////////Posted March 7th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
@brian, that won’t work on his macbook
[Reply]
gddmn fanb0yz suk
[Reply]
//////////Reply by brian
//////////Posted October 24th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
@cleftydave, stop trying to type like charles. it’s really lame. and dumb. you are not alt. you are a cog. you are the hipster runoff that occurs when one of the guys in vampire weekend prematurely ejaculates.
[Reply]
hahaha I love how you used a picture of me…white iphone ftw!
[Reply]
techheadmadmansynthmaniac
korgiesmoogiesyamahasrolandsprotools etc etc
[Reply]
seriously the ultimate alt job was takin by sarah palin
and what the fuck, i dont know whether to embrace the mold or pretend im not. the only way to be 100% legit in the world is to live in the mountains, speak to no one, and use a gun to kill your lunch. thats a fucking neon/glitch/psychodelic/metal/glam/pop lifestyle. metal.
[Reply]
//////////Reply by caswell
//////////Posted October 26th, 2008 at 9:09 am
HAHAHA do they have a lastnightsparty for mountain alts?
[Reply]
//////////Reply by jacksonn
//////////Posted November 27th, 2008 at 9:06 am
@caswell,
ya, but we upload r hunting pics to a 2h film lab in costco
[Reply]
//////////Reply by allison
//////////Posted April 7th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
@jacksonn, for real you just copied into the wild and made it your life. all this “auth alt” stuff is just bull shit. if you try to be “alt” you obviously aren’t
easy, you missed the most obvious one, nu-rave air traffic controller
[Reply]
I kind of hope to do the following:
go to uni in hopes of becoming a journalist/photographer/something to do with film
if all that fails im going to become a DJ/producer after I move to a trendy state like ATL or just start a LECTRO scene in Detroit.PLenty of hipsters round there right?
[Reply]
Dear God, please rid the planet of all of the above while also removing their equally douchy conservative equivalents. Kthxbye.
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not really hipsters there more like cripsters. i mean shit id be ok with it if the music wasn’t about killing people like me.
[Reply]
CRLS i got the most alt job. i work for an altweekly ya’ll. its got the word alt in it. <3 village voice
[Reply]
We r living in a post-9/11 wrld
and I am a post-9/11 grrl
alt-alt career choice?
[Reply]
carles, you’ve outdone yourself once again on this post.. everything you said is so on point and funny. kudos.
~ur fav blipster
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Be a 90210 tReacherish guy. butfuck a student
[Reply]
most alt work is a work that don´t pretend to be alternative, i´m a raver school teacher
[Reply]
//////////Reply by Bantatstic
//////////Posted November 14th, 2008 at 10:01 am
@boloblas, whatelse besides glowsticking and sucking is there to learn?
[Reply]
//////////Reply by boloblas
//////////Posted November 14th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
@Bantatstic,
A meaninful thing to learn for raver is to dance like this gal,chek it:http://es.youtube.com/watch?v=m1IDftvDo04
I´ve never seen anyone “feeling” the music so extremly
[Reply]
what about working at a free spirited coffee shop and the only independent movie theatre left in your city (one of the 10 biggest in america), while living at home with your mom and saving for design school?
[Reply]
i’m glad go to beauty school made the list.. i spend a lot of time on making ya’ll look authentic.
moonlighting as a chacha guide. is that authentic enough?
[Reply]
//////////Reply by omg
//////////Posted November 15th, 2008 at 1:37 am
i moonlight at chacha too! i don’t think a job gets more authentic than averaging 43 cents an hour.
[Reply]
//////////Reply by kaykay
//////////Posted November 15th, 2008 at 2:37 am
@omg,
haha… 43 cents an hour.. oh man…
[Reply]
Perez has b00bs
[Reply]
working for a wreck chord label. suckaz.
[Reply]
aight but when are we going to talk about doing construction work with the mexis? or promoting camel crushes / red bullz / condoms?
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Doing porn whilst having tattoos. Or doing porn while being tattooed, which has probably been done only I’ve never seen it. I worry that hipsters avoid sex because it hurts when the jutting bones of their emaciated/coke-worn bodies collide.
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What about the constant self searching theater student that’s either a bartender or a waiter while they go on countless audititons so they can “make it”
i’m so excited
[Reply]
What about the graphic designer that “made it” because s/he got married to the lead person of/designed some merchandising for an alt-ish band?
((Nina Barnes, anyone?)
[Reply]
alt hairdressing.
[Reply]
//////////Reply by Tahini
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
@Steve,
Alt/ salad dressing. Annie’s Goddess. Yumz.
[Reply]
im a meaningful microbiologist who is transcending the boundaries of size by applying his meme to the world of microscopic organisms
[Reply]
I want to be auth alt but its seriously not abt ego or showboating.
i think its always been those left-of-centre thinkers and do-ers that drive the whole machine forward. even alts are part of the machine (despite some thinking they are some separate elite group) but they truthfully are at the helm in many ways…
i want to make a difference because i want to do something that hasnt been done and have it help the world.
the funny thing is, i think all ppl (shld) try to aspire to that. its natural selection in motion…
[Reply]
GED? does that explain why you are still living in your mom’s basement?
[Reply]
ppl here are in h8 moods cause they r slowly realizing tht all their jobs are not alt
jobs are never alt
where is ur culture intuition power function coming from
the only alt work is failing at art life/finding auth-meaning
[Reply]
just sittin in ur apartment and reading all dayz, thatz alt as core
[Reply]
i can’t believe you forgot “and have it all end up at Ross” on Michael Kors
[Reply]
OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!
This one really hurt, waaay to close to home…you summed it all up too nicely…very good if painful.
Ain’t it always the same choice, though?
Financial security vs self-fullfilment…heart vs mind it never ends…
[Reply]
i SOLDZ MAH SOUL 4 ENGENEERING YALL. SOMEONE GOTTA BE COOL WHILE MAKING YALLS BRIDGES’N'SHIT.
[Reply]
//////////Reply by TEHMAGICSPIC
//////////Posted March 1st, 2009 at 3:20 am
@TEHMAGICSPIC, (myself)… A Mexicaner working construction… shocked?
[Reply]
im a higher education profesh
my bf is a future stay-at-home-dad
separate my job is pretty mnstrm and he is a part-time barista
but together we are a keut alt couple
[Reply]
one of your best posts. i hope it makes it into the hro book. i hope there is an hro book, i’m tired of dialing up to read this, just need to carry you around with me
[Reply]
i’m writing to you from my design 101 class. i was gonna leave halfway through but i want to be something when i grow up n graduate so i’m gonna stay and finish my flash animation to my fav AnCo song so everyone knows how meaningful and likely to succeed i am
[Reply]
film maker 4 sho
[Reply]
NITE LIFE/URBAN PARTY photographist EX.cobra/bronques
DUUUUUHHHHHUHUHUHUHUHUHHUH
[Reply]
nuthing jobby is auth-alt. yall only like the ‘cultural’ stuff cuz it’s ‘dyed blue and pink’
you want to be auth-alt you spend the rest of your life getting fired from jobs, you want to be doughy you find a sugar-mama/daddy on the side.
[Reply]
So to be alt you have to be a bum, do nothing with your life and pretend to be cool to all the other losers in the world. Sounds good to me…
[Reply]
healthcare industry is quite authentic and indestructable. isn’t the point of all of this altness to be unique and compassionate?
[Reply]
What about painters, and indie bands that dont suck? How about a zookeeper, all zookeepers are bound to be badass hipsters.
[Reply]
JOB: Financial Aid Administrator at a State School with relaxed admission standards.
You get to Help th’ kidzz get into debt before they drop out and go bankrupt. The kids do not care.
[Reply]
After skimming through this blog for a bit, I have to say I’m quite disgusted. I am especially disgusted by your “indie band” joke about Maps & Atlases.
Sir, you are a dumbass. You obviously are tooooo fucking “alt” or whatever you fags call it to understand true talent. fuck you
[Reply]
//////////Reply by Mechrobioticon
//////////Posted June 2nd, 2009 at 11:29 pm
@You are hipstertrash,
I don’t believe you.
[Reply]