Sometimes I wonder if I should marry a man or a woman. I think it would be great to provide a traditional heterosexual environment for my impending spawn so that they would feel like they ‘fit in’ at school. But then there is also the option of settling down with a GHEY bro. I think that 2 cool dads could provide a positive environment without the shortcomings & insecurities of a female.
100 Simple Rules For Raising my Alternative Child
- When I am a father, I will not let my kid watch television.
- I will only let my son/daughter watch vimeo.
- My kids will only listen to podcasts.
- My kids will only eat Kashi brand products and no red meat.
- When they are fully grown into tweens, I will remove meat from their diet.
- My kids will not learn how to write in print or cursive. I will give them a Macbook Air with only a single font available for use–Helvetica.
- My kids will not learn how to play the guitar or piano, but I will hire some one to teach them Ableton.
- I will not let my kids vlog until they are 19.
- I will monitor my kids’ personal brand, not letting them commit to any trends that will be eliminated within 1.5 years.
- My kids will be homeschooled. They will not read textbooks–only wikipedia entries and blog posts.
- 80% of my children’s curriculum will be for the sake of self-expression.
- Other kids will not ‘get’ my children, but I will teach my kids that this means that they are better than mainstreamer children who eat refined sugar.
- My kids will go to the top design/art schools in the world. I will let them take a year off, but make sure they are ‘doing something free spirited and constructive.’
- My kids will be tolerant. They will create pro-Ghey signs.
- My kids will live in a world without Comic Sans.
I want to be the most effective alternative father in the history of the world.
How will u raise ur kids?
SRSLY tho… is love ever wrong? (gonna miss the gheys after George Bush eliminates them the day b4 he leaves office.)
Should I blog about social change/parenting tips more often?
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IAmCarles.com
31 Comments
No children’s lullabies. Just Radiohead Kid-A.
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//////////Reply by Teh Anomususses
//////////Posted December 29th, 2008 at 1:11 am
@EntryLevelShoegazer, You know bout that Lullabie Radioheads Album right?
WHere they remaked the radiohead for babies?
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
@Teh Anomususses, I’m not sure even teens should be exposed to radiohead.
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//////////Reply by Teh Anomususses
//////////Posted December 31st, 2008 at 6:14 am
@anony, Everyone should be exposed to Teh Radioheads because they’re GODS!@@2!!!11234!!!1256789!!!!!uidfu!!!
i will only allow them to express 3 emotions <3/h8/miss
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JUST BROTHERSPORT
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//////////Reply by d
//////////Posted December 28th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
@Gregg G.,
omgz is you girl talk?
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//////////Reply by h
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
@d,
zomgz gt’s names only one g at ze end lawlz
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kashi-only diet?? lollllllllll
id totally hire an ableton mentor for my children
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wow the ableton lessons thing was so clutch.
and carles is potentially “bi”? huh?
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wat happens when ur kid comes home and thinks it’s “OK’ 2 talk to mainstrmrs when they sing songs she heard on grl tlk?
as a Parent, how early would YOU introduce mashpus?
Discuss:
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
@Anonstreetkredimus, Everyone is potentially bi…. really just depends how much sparks/pbr are involved.
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shortcomings and insecurities of a female? p.s. ur ghey.
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duudes look like a weak-ass Clive Owen and a Jeremiah Pivens pulled through a photoshop, holllaaa—GO CUBS!
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//////////Reply by naNa
//////////Posted December 29th, 2008 at 12:54 am
@gonacommitHarryCaray, I see it
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i’d hire someone 2 teach my child cubase cuz mainstreamerz will start using abelton in 1.2 years, & i don’t want my child 2 do anythang that mainstreamerz do.
…my child will be named “kid a”.
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“I will give them a Macbook Air with only a single font available for use–Helvetica.”
SO MANY LOLS
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“My kids will not learn how to play the guitar or piano, but I will hire some one to teach them Ableton.”
classic hro line
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That little girl has the neatest handwriting.
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Just leave the poor guys alone, they already put up with so much shit in their lives without some douchebag insulting them on the internet. They have a kid, good for them, their daughter is going to grow up in a very loving environment and have a proper upbringing. I usually find this shit funny but it’s just so immature and petty.
grow up.
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//////////Reply by yazmin
//////////Posted December 29th, 2008 at 3:50 am
@ur a faggot, “ur a faggot” hahahaaha
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//////////Reply by ur a faggot
//////////Posted December 29th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
@yazmin
ur a dumb bitch,
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THESE 2 R FGGTS!
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she doesn’t look like either of her “dads”
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//////////Reply by Teh Anomususses
//////////Posted December 29th, 2008 at 3:51 am
@julp, Yeah how are they going to explain to her that she’s adopted…
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h8 cmc sns yall
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The answer to the last question is “yes”.
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im a ghey and thats the best post ever, thats what im going to do with my kids when i create my own pitt/jolie family. oh, another good one is that i will always let my children wear whatever clothes they like, as long as it’s suitable for the weather. thatll grow nice kids.
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Thank godt 4 the grl ´being there´ in the Am Appy add next to this post.
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gay dads are so last year
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hilarious ripoff of “stuff white people like”
get in touch with christian landers, you guys could write the sequel
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More posts like this, lots of funnies
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</3 kashi prdcts
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don’t go chasin’ kashi fallz – y’allz
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I do not support gay marriage just because the stupid girl used Comic Sans MS and I do not support people who use Comic Sans MS.
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CoMiC SaNs 4 LIFE dumb bitchface asshole
but srsly, i have a kwestion. their is ths guy that i luv and he say he luv me 2. or at least that what his leeters from jail tell me. but he never vissits me and we nvr go on dates evr. is he into me? what do yall think?
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dad on the left is too hot for dad on the right so maybs they should get a divorce.
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//////////Reply by Me
//////////Posted December 29th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
@Me, actually i take that back. dad on the right has a cool dad might be an architect or graphic designer look about him. i like that. their lil alt bb is too cute.
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Are Altbros just modern loser hippies?
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“LOVE IS NEVER WRONG”
Oh really? What If I give ice cream to a little boy, let’s say he’s six, and he thinks he loves me. Can I have sex with him? Is that wrong?
Sweeping Generalizations are for propagandists and rejected by those that can reason.
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
@AZN BifF, How often do you get propositioned by 6 year old boys? More importantly why are you giving out so much ice cream?
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//////////Reply by AZN BifF
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
@anony,
Never & Never.
Sweeping Generalizations are for Nazis and Commies. Comprendes?
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de AZN BF iz h8??
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being bi is like a ’sexual orientation mashup’
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