
Today, my email inbox crashed. Hundreds of people emailed me with terrible, horrible news. My inbox didn’t ‘crash’ in a traditional sense. I just don’t think any thing or any one was built to handle news that your whole life is being taken away from you.
Sparks is dead, yall.
‘The government’ says that Sparks markets its drinks to tweens and kids. They say that Sparks doesn’t make it clear that it is an alcoholic beverage. They say that Sparks is bad for society.
This is all a lie.
My alternative life was fueled by Sparks.
I am good for society.
Sparks has been involved in and sponsored some of the best moments of my life. Private parties where the alcohol was free, meaningful nights with my best friends, and post-ironic celebrations. Whether I realize it or not, Sparks is one of the most important alt brands in the history of the world. Mexicans got ‘beer with lime.’ Black people got ‘Petron.’ White people got the new kind of alcoholic drink called ‘wine.’ But alternative people had a drink of our own. Created for our alternative lifestyle. It had caffeine to keep us going, and it also had alcohol 2 ‘let our spirits free.’
The energy+alcoholic drink gave me the ability to ‘live forever+live life to the fullest’ every night.
Sometimes in college whenever I was sleepy and I had a big final presentation due the next day, I would drink a couple Sparkses to stay up all night. Even though my tongue turned orange when I had to give the presentation, it was worth it. I got an A in my Intro to Architecture Class. I eventually had to take a few semesters off to ’sort some personal life stuff out’, but still. That night MEANT something, and it was me, and it was Sparksbro.
I’ll never forget the time I blogged about product placement on party pix sites. Sparks was there, looking to appeal 2 us. Looking 2 get blurbed about on buzz blogs.

It is also important to remember that we CANNOT forget what Sparks has done to employ people who have no skills other than ‘putting phallic objects into their body.’ Not every1 can wear a sexie outfit AND have a strong personality that matches the personality of the brand.
Sparks was more than just a drink. It was truly a BRAND. It was more than ‘just another product.’ When I think of Sparks, I think of a lifestyle. I think of good times. I can honestly not think of another beverage with a brand stronger than SPARKS. After a night of Sparks, I could not fall asleep. My heart felt like it wanted to burst of out my chest. My tongue would be orange the next day. Another memory of the previous night–I would look in the mirror, stick out my tongue and smile.

miss u, Sparks.
h8 u government.
<3 u the past.
So what next? I do not know. Will PBR be around forever? Or is there some sort of 'witch hunt' to end all products which are for the alternative population? Will iTunes get shut down? Will the governments band Am Appy from advertising on the internet? Will Apple be bought out by Dell?
I do not know what is in the future. But I am worried. The new regime does not like what we stand for. They want to end us. The want to destroy our way of life. The Electro Wars are upon us. I am scared, but I am ready to fight for what I believe in.
Who do you hold responsible for the death of Sparks? This is an easy question to answer. Barrack Obama is who we can hold responsible. He promised change. He brought it. The wrong change. Does n e 1 remember ur username + password for vote.gov--need 2 go back and change my vote to Palin.

The important question is will be HOW CAN WE REPLACE SPARKS?
When the Goverments banned alcohol in the past since it was ‘the source of society’s problems,’ other entrepreneurs decided to take matters into their own hands. They created liquor, often called MOONSHINE to sell in the ‘underground economy.’

Should HIPSTER RUNOFF open an online shop where you can buy stuff like blow, Sparks moonshine, salvia, and other moderately illegal goods? (might also sell t-shirts).
You are probably saying to yourself, “Carles. I am not a blog. I am one person. What Can I Do?”
You can’t be afraid, and you can’t let this ruin your life. Nights will still be meaningful. Electro music will not die (yet). You will still bond with your friends. You can still drink redbull/rockstare + vodka.
Will things be different? A little bit, but embrace it. Try to find something new. It will be hard, but try it. Call your friends. Tell them the bad news. Talk with them. Talk about your memories with Sparks. Laugh. Cry. Bond. Sparks was not yours. Sparks was ours.
Get together your most self-aware group of friends. Go to a local grocery store/super store/corner store, and buy all of the Sparks that you can find. Have a meaningful, post-post-ironic party in the name of Sparks. Create a facebook event for it, and make every one wear orange or blue. Take pictures. Remember that last night of Sparks forever.
Save one can. Hide it somewhere–this is now your forbidden fruit. In the next few years, something will go wrong or you will feel down. Treat yourself to the sweet nectar that is Sparks.
Think of the past. Smile.
Things used to be simple.
You used to be Sparks.
(miss u)

This is the beginning of the end. Prepare for the worst.
Honestly. I would give anything for one more SPARKS vomit.

[Photo by cobrasnake]
Please share your personal SPARKS stories in the comments. Where were you when you had your first Sparks? What was your first sexual experience like with an orange tongue? Where were you when you found out that they killed SPARKS? Send in your pictures of your Final Sparks party. We’re all in this together. This is a process of mourning.




IAmCarles.com















72 Comments
don’t have sparks in Australia
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//////////Reply by ben
//////////Posted December 28th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
@holly, But you guys get UDL. Sparks is UDL with redbull.
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yeah, we don’t have sparks here but i was kinda hoping one day we might.
BARRY OBAMIE CRUSHING MY DREAMS.
i want heart palpitations and a tongue more orange than a thousand fiery crotches.
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time to step up your act and get J00S3D you PUSSIES!
http://www.killedforless.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/joose2.jpg
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//////////Reply by *Jesse
//////////Posted December 18th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
@andrew,
FUCK YEA!!!
PURPLE AND RED ALL DAY BABY!!!
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//////////Reply by Pheed
//////////Posted December 24th, 2008 at 1:03 am
@*Jesse,
Drink JOOSE!
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//////////Reply by Heather
//////////Posted January 20th, 2009 at 12:56 am
maybe you should all educate yourselfs. Its not just sparks. The government is trying to ban any and all caffeine/alcohol combinations. And its only 13states and San Francisco county that have the ban.
THEY ARE REFORMULATING SPARKS.
It will be back. go smoke crack for the time being or something.
And yes, this is comming from someone who has drank sparks since the beginning. Since the days when there was only orange. Sparks and i have been together literally since i was 14yrs old. I finally turned 21 in august and barely got to enjoy my drink of choice legally
i feel like i should pull an Elaine from Seinfeld and just buy a bunch of sparks before they are all gone! you know,like the sponge…
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i remember the first time i saw sparks
i hadn’t even left for the city yet, i wasn’t even entry level yet
i was just james, soon to be art major in a major city on the east coast
i tried a little, and it tasted funny, but i loved it
when i was entry level, had my first tight pair of BDG jeans, a cool shirt designed by a local artist, and my first palistinian scarf (it was blue guys), i began to learn to love sparks
it was 2k7
i was entry
i was dancing to MIA
i just learned about a cool band called justice
i rid my first fixed gear bike
i was developing my personal brand
and through it all…. sparks was there
sparks was there when i first heard mainstream people talking about MIA
sparks was there when agyness was no long single
sparks was there when my high school friends made fun of my “new look”
sparks was there when MIA “retired”
sparks was there for the good times as well though
sparks was there when MIA came back out of “retirement”
sparks was there when i created my unique personal brand
sparks was there when obama won
sparks was there when i went to girl talk and met him
sparks was there for it all man
at least now,
as an altbro growing into the altbag i’ll be in 2k9,
and I put down the Palestinian scarf because it’s “played out” and pick up my circle scarf
and shave my post-ironic mustache because I’ve grown out of it
and nostalgically listen to IN RAINBOWS
and smile at the future alt bros as they walk around campus
i can say i was there
sparks was a part of my alt experience
now i suppose j00se will be good enough for me right now
but in the future, when i’m a post altbag twenty something
and i wont be going out as much because “i’m over it” or “i need to take my life seriously”
i’ll remember that there was a time
when sparks
ruled
my
(alt)
world
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//////////Reply by a non moos
//////////Posted December 18th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
@james,
that was beautiful :’(
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//////////Reply by tyseph
//////////Posted December 19th, 2008 at 12:10 am
@james,
i cried.
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//////////Reply by anonymous
//////////Posted December 19th, 2008 at 12:08 am
@james, your comment was better than 99% of the shit carles has posted recently. just sayin’…
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//////////Reply by slut
//////////Posted December 19th, 2008 at 12:44 am
@james,
the memoriez r fl00ding. miss sparks. gr8 tribute.
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//////////Reply by yo
//////////Posted December 19th, 2008 at 11:16 am
@james,
oh gods your comment was so good i just punched myself in the dick about 5 times
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//////////Reply by childpred
//////////Posted December 19th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
@james,
luv.
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//////////Reply by Anony
//////////Posted December 20th, 2008 at 6:08 am
@james, Everytime I walk by a sparks I think about buying one and then I remember that not one person drinks it in my alt circle. I’m in fact the only one drinking redbull and vodka and it suits me just fine…. and doesn’t turn my tounge orange. I buy it by the case since I know a distributer. LOL’s for wine as a “new” alternative beverage for white people.
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//////////Reply by dooder
//////////Posted December 20th, 2008 at 11:15 am
@james,
you’re an inspiration to a whole generation. i tear to the face that you won’t be able to recreate life due to the permanent damage caused to your skrow-dem by your uber skinny jeans. RIP ballzinies.
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//////////Reply by DNK
//////////Posted January 24th, 2009 at 1:26 am
@james,
pretty decent. it’s weird when someone else’s exp just ‘clicks’ with your own
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I fucked the shit out of my best friends mom on sparks…barry obama has taken my only chance with older women i had…he has taken my hopes and dreams and annihilated them
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//////////Reply by dankasoraus
//////////Posted December 18th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
@Johnson,
fck yeah man gettin that milf action.
sparks is proof that altbros can get on just about anything if the girl is drunk enough.ex-moms, alt cuties, grandmas
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sparks was there when my bro first showed me the hype-machine
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i am drinking a sparks as i read this terrible news. i would’ve savored it more if i knew it was going to be my last
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I met Sparks one time, the only time I was in US, cause I’m french man, freinnccch yeah. We were drunk in that creepy place in Brooklyn, playin an awful videogame in which you have to kill savage animal (Rhinos = bastards) and 3 girls cute as hell come there to give us free Sparks and free tits. No. Just free Sparks. But It was the beginning of a great night who includes a karting and girls barfing everywhere. I’m going back to NYC next week but without Sparks it’ll be “not so cool”
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sparkz was there for me when ‘all i wanted 2 do was dance’ at parties in brooklyn, and it was there for me on halloween when i got a ticket for drinking in public and the cops didn’t ‘get’ this new beverage, and it was there for me every time my friends got 40 oz and i just said guys i rly just want to drink sum sparkz and stay up all nite….and i did. miss u/luv u <3
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Sparks is dead, Long Live Joose/Cisco!
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when i was underage and on a school trip to seattle, a bunch of us went and found a homeless black guy to help us buy sparks. he bought it for us as long as we watched him pee. of course we did because sparks is that rad!
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already a facebook group we all need to join.
WE WILL NOT TAKE THIS LYING DOWN.
OUR GENERATION FINALLY HAS A CAUSE WE CAN BELIEVE IN. THIS WILL BE OUR CIVIL RIGHTS ISSUE
.
please join the facebook group: “BANNING SPARKS WAS TOTALLY NOT CHILL, BRO”
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=39983242566
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this one time i wanted sparks but didn’t have any so i mixed MNSTRM AMP energy drink with vodka
it just wasn’t the same :’(
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oh well, back to huffing gasoline
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Dance, Dance
We’re falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you love to lead
Dance, this is the way they’d love
If they knew how misery loved me
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I like the sparkz website “Coming Soon!”
So hopefully naive in it’s impeding doom.
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Sparkz made me shake off many hangovers.
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//////////Reply by Teh Anomususses
//////////Posted December 19th, 2008 at 1:55 am
@C_TA, and many hyper actively shake off many clothes.
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I was wondering when everyone would start hating obama.
who is throwing a sparks party? i want to go
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MISS U SPARKZ TONGUE
http://thecobrasnake.com/partyphotos/mrshin/IMG_0492.html
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Bushwick BK FTW. Imma go stock up… but only the black kind…
As my friend anton says (myspace.com/antonglamb)
Guys drink the black can, girls drink the blue, guys on diets drink the girl can too; orange can means I don’t like you, or there’s no black, or there’s no blue… but now there’s no more any :(
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never got to try it. too young :(
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i remember when i drank sparksies off the ground at that 1 house partie/show. if i knew it was going 2b the last time i would have let the sweet taste linger in my mouf a lil bit longer :( R.I.P
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yeah sure there are substitutes (redbullvodka, joose, cokeandcoke, four) but no replacements for the perfect blend of heart attack inducing flavor which can make you dance like a villain for hours…
negative effects of a sparks ban:
less perky alt breast flashing
less times staying up till you crash
decreased ability to drink in public due to
inconspicuous can
hate of new prezy=continued downtrend of economy
creation of black market for sparks =crime increase
sex wont be the same
missing wen you tell ur mom ur toungue color is from
the orange sodas you had last nite
ur parents drink redbull/vodkas= kiling personal brand
cant occasionally drink one for kicks at 10am
dont look as cool holding four can at party
ganja+sparks=religous experience -sparks= just high
the list goes on plz pinch me
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so sad about the loss of energy+alcohol. i will just have to take shots while smoking my crack again. shame really, after all that money my parents paid for my rehab! too bad i guezzz
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think they are banning all energy malt liquors? <3 miss u FOUR on ice <3
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Hey Carles, in Mexico Sparks is new, I think you can come and buy sparks in Circle K or AMPM.
I remember my first time with sparks, I got one can free by one of those sparkie girls in a restaurant kindah chillis region 4.
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no more spark induced dance parties.
no more orange spark tongues uniting.
i don’t see the point of dancing to justice ne more.
i don’t see the point of making out with strangers ne more.
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i tried to drink sparks once…and i’m pretty sure that my body rejected it entirely, since there is no reason to combine energy drinks with alcohol, as they pretty much cancel each other out, making you feel like death.
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//////////Reply by wants2leave
//////////Posted December 19th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
paul = wrong
we have 2 get on teh r0ad to get sparxorz
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//////////Reply by Unklebuck
//////////Posted January 24th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
@paul, yur an idiot if u dont think the combo of booze and caffine is teh best. l00ser
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I’m to going to throw a SPARKS FAREWELL party tonite.
Still got ~ 300 cans left, which I plan to share with my [closest] alt friends.
miss u sparkie :-(
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//////////Reply by anon
//////////Posted December 19th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
@STEVE JOBBY, can i come?
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R.I.P. SPARKS….
misssssssss u!! SO MUCH!!! FUCK WHYYYY???
ok, so what about that SPARKS knockoff TILT? do they still make that? i think its only available on the east coast, because i never see it here in chicago, and i know that there is another knockoff that is on the west coast. but damnnnnn…. SPARKS WILL BE MISSED!!!!
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p.s. hopefully the liquor store is still stocked for a bit, because i’ve really been wanting a Vodka+SParks instead of Vodka+redull
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Who vomits on Sparks?
Although it WAS so good, one could drink himself into a coma….
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Indeed, a sad moment in time for all of us.
Here’s a comic that I did for a Chicago Reader issue a few years back in tribute of Sparks!
Enjoy!
And never forget!
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Luv u Sparks.
Best experience w/u when me and Julz chugged u b4 a White Fang show and then got hella rowdy.
No more drinking a half a sparks and getting buzzed with my alt friends.
Miss u.
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//////////Reply by PDXz0r
//////////Posted December 19th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
@Alley, White Fang lol
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted January 3rd, 2009 at 8:20 pm
@Alley, Would that be portlands white fang? Saw them for the first time at dekum a few weeks (months?) ago I think and they were kickin… not quite my thing but still a great show. it continually amazes me how small the world is. But I never see anyone drinking sparks in portland… it’s all PBR all the time.
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I’m still reeling over this. Still need 2 get my ass 2 the liquor store b4 its all gone.
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this is terrible news because now i’ll have to start doing blow again. sucks..
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when I was 19 my parents forced me on a family trip to nyc & we had to walk around forever & I was tired. but they bought me a sparks at lunch and I got tipsy while wandering around the village. good times.
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i was the national marketing manager for this campaign. and my heart is broken. :(
but – the brand isnt dead yet….plans are a brewin…literally. :)
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//////////Reply by THE CULTURE OF ME
//////////Posted December 19th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
@ruthless, ummmmm, SPARKS coffee? we’re guessing? dear carles, thanks 4 using the image we made 4 u.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGkKr0UUH10&eurl=http://blowupsf.com/&feature=player_embedded
check out this video about 1 minute into it!
RIP SPARKS
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i’m going to miss buying sparks at the bar and pouring it in a classy glass. people would ask, “ohh what’s that orange beer you’re drinking?” — priceless
before I was of buying alchy age, dumbfuck gas station employees wouldn’t know sparks was alcoholic and sell it to my friends and I anyway!
…so sad.
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How will the death of Sparks affect electro wars?
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2003 – my buddy travis, who rented his PA system to parties in miami beach, got paid in a few dozen crates of sparks one time, and gave me a couple of em. that was my first time tasting that vile poison. fucks you up, though. + it was free.
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I remember when I first tasted the sweet nectar of Sparks, it was at the Pitchfork music festival and I finally felt like soul met body. Sparks was more than just a drink to me, it was more than just a personal brand, it was everything to me. This is worse than when I found out that Lance Bass was a FGGT. H8 u Barry!
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Sparks made me. I leave you haiku to show how much I will miss Sparks:
Sparks is now and foevers
Sparks will be my dreams
Sparks will be the change agent
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BLOW UP SF LOVES SPARKS
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My first night in NYC. Winter. Finding my way through the subway map in order to get to Bushwick so I could meet this girl who I’d never met before. She was a friend of a friend, and was my lifeline to go from douchebag tourist to altbag ‘livin-like-a-local’. When I finally got to the station, there she was, waiting for me with a brown paper bag in her hand. After a timid introduction, she proceeded to take out two cans of what seemed like an energy drink from the paper bag. “Weird” – I thought – “nice welcome gift but, come on, an ENERGY DRINK? Either this girl is 18, or she’s sXe, or people in America are just plain weird”. Oh, how wrong I was. It was SPARKS!!! The best/cheapest/zaniest/orangest drink I’d ever tasted! It became my constant companion through a string of hazy nights of drunkenness around New York, and one of the things I missed the most when I got back to England and back to drinking the £1 cans of disgusting 8% cider (also favoured by the homeless drunks at the end of my street).
Fast forward a year. It was then when I tasted SPARKS again. Said friend came from NYC to live with us, and for her welcome we had another night of SPARKS-filled debauchery, which she had wisely packed in her suitcase. Little did I know it would be the last one… It is a sad, sad day.
miss u SPARKS
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shit! i gotta stock up enough sparks for the electro-holocaust, or at least enough for the girl talk show in january.
RIP SPARXXXXXXXXXXX
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NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sniffle*
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THX 4 the MMRS.
2k03: sparks in Santa Cruz, on beach with Bords of CNDA. Sparks was a chill out drink at first.
P0st 2k03: started partying with the sparks after 2 many hangovers from jacky d and chucks.
2k07-08; sprks walks with frenz along riverways, running from fuzz.
Chugging sparks before every fun dance night ever.
Through the yrs relationships have come and gone but sparks has always been a true friend. dependably sweet, fun, loyal.
miss u already sparks and sparklets.
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I had it tonight and if I had known it might be the last I would have savored it a little more. Maybe I wouldn’t have spilled a can while walking down some stairs.
thnks fr th mmrs sparks.
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I remember having Sparks for the first time in 2k5. This is saddening. Monster + Vodka just w0nt feel the same
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THERE’S STILL HOPE YALL!!!
http://www.bizjournals.com/washington/stories/2008/12/15/daily99.html
It’s coming back. kinda sorta.
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shooting/blogging Sparks parties put my future kids thru college. well, it would have if i didnt spend all the money on sparks.
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The first time i had a Sparks was on a road trip to Seattle from Salt Lake City back in 2k4. I think that was the last time i had a Sparks. Blow got me through those crazy alt dance party days just fine until i retired my coke habit for my new found love of sleep.
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this hot guy and i split a 6 pack of sparks, a bottle of wine, and maybe some whiskey. naturally the only thing i remember is the sparks, (vaguely) the sex that happened, and the orange vomit which covered the bedroom in the morning.
RIP SPARKS
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three days after the announcement that sparks had been discontinued i was caught drinking one in the street by the nypd. there was a warrant for my arrest. three years ago i got an open-container ticket (sparks, of course) and never paid it. i spent the night in the holding cell in the 94th precinct in greenpoint with a bunch of coke dealers.
truly the end of an era…
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted January 3rd, 2009 at 8:27 pm
@andrew, Hence the great advantage of a spiked redbull.
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First Sparks experience total entry level mainstream alt meltdown!! Hey come to the Vice store on Sunset Blvd and hang out and enjoy this new fresh orange drink called Sparks! Awesome wow I am totes there Bro, oh wait its 2pm and its totes hot out radical, ummm dude Sparks promotion guy ah you didnt bring any ice??? Ok weird guess we will just drink these fun little bevies warm!! Wow totally tastes strange hey man why is your mouth all orange how many did you have?? 6 to 10 cans later everyone is wasted with yellowish orange faces falling down knockin all the clothes over at the store we all get kicked out and the rest is history…..
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there is a drink that can replace sparks, you take vodka juice and meth, fuses in you brain to make a more powerful funtime,
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You know that technically they’re just removing the caffeine… right? Which leaves taurine and a plethera of other stimulants.
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One last night of Sparks, let’s say farewell the best way we can to our beloved Sparks… with Orange Tongues.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=41832461739
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Isn’t the real problem that children (not tweens, I refuse to ever use that word except to explain that I will never use it), drink caffinated products. Kids shouldn’t drink coffee should they?
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Fck no! Just had a couple Sparks last night at Shantytown in Jacksonville. Followed with some homegrown at 3 am. Yeah, redbull or monster and vodka will have the same effect, but you have to go through all that mixing sht, pls they’re more $$$. Sparks filled a void. Crap.
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Sparks, gr8 for sponsoring party
///end
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saw crushd can of sprks 2day. cried & cmpard it 2 my crshd <3 frm the day sprks died.
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just found a place in SF that sells sparks
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i drank it at work once. made my life complete.
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everytime i go into a corner store I try to buy at least one sparks, and a big case when i buy groceries
gotta stockpile
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sparks is around in its caffeinated form till 2010. just sayin…wont be reformulated till then! :) long live sparx
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Sparks is still here fools. Just click on my name.
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My first few experiences with sparks were late night dodgeball sessions on the mean Streets of Chicago, IL. It was a 5/3 bank parking lot to be exact. A place where midgets, alts, hippies and vagrants could be one in the same. I would finish a can and be so fueled by the energy beer that I would attempt to destroy the can with my forehead. Proving to be stronger than my forehead the can would usually leave me to awake the next day with a circular, red indentation on my forehead. R.I.P. sparks
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The night I discovered SPARKS I drank five cans. When they were exhausted I sprinted (I was very young and in strong shape) the eight blocks, up-hill, to the Chevron station to promptly buy more. The Chevron was fucking closed, so I went to a nearby mini mart. Despite still allowing me into the store and the hands on the clock proclaiming the time to be no later than 1:56 PM, I was denied the ability to purchase further SPARKS by the attendant. In a snit, I purchased a lighter, the shitty non-Bic kind, with bumpy basketball texture all over it, using my debit card.
When I went to bed I experienced the shaky, heartracing feelings you described, and then I started throwing up. So much. A sip of water would elicit a new torrent of anguish and vomit. The force of the vomiting was so intense and so pronounced that my eye ball ruptured within itself or something and half of it filled with blood. I went to the hospital, to the emergency room waiting room full of people with cancer attacks or sudden lukemia or something. The nurse gave my eye a crazy look. I didn’t want to wait, forever, and waste the energy-alcohol buzz, so I went home.
Ah, SPARKS.
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