Dear Sparks, Miss U: A Eulogy By HIPSTER RUNOFF
Today, my email inbox crashed. Hundreds of people emailed me with terrible, horrible news. My inbox didn't 'crash' in a traditional sense. I just don't think any thing or any one was built to handle news that your whole life is being taken away from you.
Sparks is dead, yall.
'The government' says that Sparks markets its drinks to tweens and kids. They say that Sparks doesn't make it clear that it is an alcoholic beverage. They say that Sparks is bad for society.
This is all a lie.
My alternative life was fueled by Sparks.
I am good for society.
Sparks has been involved in and sponsored some of the best moments of my life. Private parties where the alcohol was free, meaningful nights with my best friends, and post-ironic celebrations. Whether I realize it or not, Sparks is one of the most important alt brands in the history of the world. Mexicans got 'beer with lime.' Black people got 'Petron.' White people got the new kind of alcoholic drink called 'wine.' But alternative people had a drink of our own. Created for our alternative lifestyle. It had caffeine to keep us going, and it also had alcohol 2 'let our spirits free.'
The energy+alcoholic drink gave me the ability to 'live forever+live life to the fullest' every night.
Sometimes in college whenever I was sleepy and I had a big final presentation due the next day, I would drink a couple Sparkses to stay up all night. Even though my tongue turned orange when I had to give the presentation, it was worth it. I got an A in my Intro to Architecture Class. I eventually had to take a few semesters off to 'sort some personal life stuff out', but still. That night MEANT something, and it was me, and it was Sparksbro.
I'll never forget the time I blogged about product placement on party pix sites. Sparks was there, looking to appeal 2 us. Looking 2 get blurbed about on buzz blogs.
It is also important to remember that we CANNOT forget what Sparks has done to employ people who have no skills other than 'putting phallic objects into their body.' Not every1 can wear a sexie outfit AND have a strong personality that matches the personality of the brand.
Sparks was more than just a drink. It was truly a BRAND. It was more than 'just another product.' When I think of Sparks, I think of a lifestyle. I think of good times. I can honestly not think of another beverage with a brand stronger than SPARKS. After a night of Sparks, I could not fall asleep. My heart felt like it wanted to burst of out my chest. My tongue would be orange the next day. Another memory of the previous night--I would look in the mirror, stick out my tongue and smile.
miss u, Sparks.
h8 u government.
<3 u the past.
So what next? I do not know. Will PBR be around forever? Or is there some sort of 'witch hunt' to end all products which are for the alternative population? Will iTunes get shut down? Will the governments band Am Appy from advertising on the internet? Will Apple be bought out by Dell?
I do not know what is in the future. But I am worried. The new regime does not like what we stand for. They want to end us. The want to destroy our way of life. The Electro Wars are upon us. I am scared, but I am ready to fight for what I believe in.
Who do you hold responsible for the death of Sparks? This is an easy question to answer. Barrack Obama is who we can hold responsible. He promised change. He brought it. The wrong change. Does n e 1 remember ur username + password for vote.gov--need 2 go back and change my vote to Palin.
The important question is will be HOW CAN WE REPLACE SPARKS?
When the Goverments banned alcohol in the past since it was 'the source of society's problems,' other entrepreneurs decided to take matters into their own hands. They created liquor, often called MOONSHINE to sell in the 'underground economy.'
Should HIPSTER RUNOFF open an online shop where you can buy stuff like blow, Sparks moonshine, salvia, and other moderately illegal goods? (might also sell t-shirts).
You are probably saying to yourself, "Carles. I am not a blog. I am one person. What Can I Do?"
You can't be afraid, and you can't let this ruin your life. Nights will still be meaningful. Electro music will not die (yet). You will still bond with your friends. You can still drink redbull/rockstare + vodka.
Will things be different? A little bit, but embrace it. Try to find something new. It will be hard, but try it. Call your friends. Tell them the bad news. Talk with them. Talk about your memories with Sparks. Laugh. Cry. Bond. Sparks was not yours. Sparks was ours.
Get together your most self-aware group of friends. Go to a local grocery store/super store/corner store, and buy all of the Sparks that you can find. Have a meaningful, post-post-ironic party in the name of Sparks. Create a facebook event for it, and make every one wear orange or blue. Take pictures. Remember that last night of Sparks forever.
Save one can. Hide it somewhere--this is now your forbidden fruit. In the next few years, something will go wrong or you will feel down. Treat yourself to the sweet nectar that is Sparks.
Think of the past. Smile.
Things used to be simple.
You used to be Sparks.
This is the beginning of the end. Prepare for the worst.
Honestly. I would give anything for one more SPARKS vomit.
[Photo by cobrasnake]
Please share your personal SPARKS stories in the comments. Where were you when you had your first Sparks? What was your first sexual experience like with an orange tongue? Where were you when you found out that they killed SPARKS? Send in your pictures of your Final Sparks party. We're all in this together. This is a process of mourning.