[Photo by lastnitesparty]
Did u know that at least 80% of people surveyed a cross the universe indicated that they would murder some1 if they got the chance 2 ‘get away with it’? Kinda makes me wonder how I would kill an altBro if I wanted 2 commit ‘the perfect crime.’
My murder would be a 2 year plan. I would become best friends with a bro, becoming ABFEAEs (AltBrosForEverAndEver). We would bond about music, clash during debates about fiscal policy/which Radiohead album is the best 1 ever, and go through the usual ups and downs of an altBro relationship. 1 Day, I would push my Soon2BeMurdered Bro ‘too far’ and get him ‘too fucked up’ on Sparks/pills/PBR/Bud Light Lime/Southern Comfort/LSD/Herbroin/Meth/etc. I would take him to a major music festival, wearing the mask of our favourite band, the MasterCrafts. I would make sure he wears an popular AA hoodie so that no1 can ‘distinguish him from the crowd.’
Would lead him in2 the center of the crowd/moshpit and ‘end his lyfe’ [via strangling+suffocation with AA white hoodie drawstring. The ppl around him would leave his dead body there to rot for the next 5 days of the music festival. Eventually the festival would end, and only his dust-covered body would remain. If the authorities could use DNA to eventually identify him, then they would contact me 2 see when was the last time I saw him. I would claim that he ‘wandered off because he took too much PCP/huffed too much computer dust cleaner. He started getting really into drugs after the new Animal Collective album leaked.’
Beware of your best altbros.
but srsly… if u were gonna kill 1 of ur friends in a modern alternative context, how would u do it?
/// A Perfect Alternative Crime/Murder
XX BONUS MSTRKRFT COVERAGE XX
If I ever become a famous DJ, I will always wear a shirt that proves I am aware of the God Fathers of electro/dance/bloghouse who came b4 me.
DeRosnay&
Augé&
MacaulyCulkinInPartyMonster&
Jeff Buckley’s Amphibious Ghost
What would yalls shirt say?
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IAmCarles.com
23 Comments
OMG HIS SHIRT IS SOOO GHEY
YOURS IS BETTER CRLS
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//////////Reply by pseudonym2
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 1:19 am
@anonymous, yours IS better crls!
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fuck me crls
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//////////Reply by pseudonym2
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 1:16 am
@*****, ME 2 CRLS!!
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jeff buckley carles?…. interesting choice
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//////////Reply by pseudonym2
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 1:20 am
@anony, the choice is INTERESTING crls!
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OMFG the FGGT-y Gossip Girl tshirt I bought is influencing blog-haus irony!!!! http://www.glarkware.com/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idcategory=3&idproduct=4403
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Freddie Mercury djs?
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//////////Reply by pseudonym2
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 1:29 am
@colander, he sure does colander!
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MSTRKRFT….. *miss u*
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//////////Reply by pseudonym2
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 1:21 am
@hdizza, we miss u2 hdizza!
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my shirt: “I have heard helvetica is a somewhat controversial font, so I would rather do the research before having it on my shirt”.
In Times New Roman
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//////////Reply by xavier
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
@jameS, I would buy that in a hearbeat
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Where can I get that shirt?
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//////////Reply by pseudonym2
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 1:23 am
@Georgia O’Keeffe, you can get that shirt on the internet jorga oh’quiefeey!
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dance-punk/funk-punk///rock n rave acts
The Clash &
The Rapture &
!!! &
Paul Epworth &
James Murphy
dance-punk/funk-punk///rock n rave songs
Rockin’ the Casbah &
Deceptacon &
Dance to the Underground &
Losing My Edge &
Talk to Me, Dance with Me
bloghou5
2manydjs &
Danger Mouse &
Freelance Hellraiser &
Girl Talk
electro
Afrika Bambaataa
Kraftwerk
Daft Punk
Soulwax
Zoey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard Engaged!
I <3/h8 meaningful-core luv. CRLS, i <3 u in a bromance way.
Another altbag workin on the personal brand,
SilverTell
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//////////Reply by hot hot heat sucked
//////////Posted December 29th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
@SilverTell,
“look how much I know about music”&
don’t you want to look through my iTunes?”&
I mislabel the genres on it&
especially the Danger Mouse tracks
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//////////Reply by SilverTell
//////////Posted December 29th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
@hot hot heat sucked,
Rockin’ the Casbah (2 obvious?)
Deceptacon (2 obnoxious?)
Dance to the Underground (2 lame?)
Losing My Edge (a Murphy HRO!)
Toop Toop (2 ghey?)
Sexy Results (MSTRKFRT Remix) (2 mnstrm?)
It’s a New Day (2 meaningful core? 2 Obammy?)
Free Stree Test (on episode of the Burg?)
I also like to smell my own farts.
c u @ Santos?
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//////////Reply by NathanR
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 10:59 am
@SilverTell, you r in the rite. kathleen hanna’s lyrics are not obnoxious- she is meaningful_girl_c0re.
“who took da bomp from tha bompalompalomp?
who took the ram from the ramalamading dong?”
she’s too smart is teh problem, y’all just don’t “get’ her. le tigre dont want 2 b depoliticized. le tigre will step all over ur linoleum floors. le tigre wants to kno who does ur hair.
FakeAssLatinAssBitch
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//////////Reply by pseudonym2
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 1:28 am
@MellyG, ASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSMINORITIESASSASSASSASSASS
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I think JFK would kill himself if he lost his ironic pornstache/Mexistache.
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//////////Reply by pseudonym2
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 1:27 am
@fedora-core, JFK is already dead silly!
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I wouldn’t kill even the my filthy skank sister that I loathe and that is EVIL to the core, because it’s wrong to take a life.
But then again, she is as Evil as Hitler, Stalin, Castro, and Pol Pot. It could save lives.
OK, here’s what I’d do. I’d buy a few cartons of cigarettes and give them to a well trained Navy Seal who owes my brother and let him devise the best way. Hopefully it will involve a good deal of pain, pleading, and remorse for her Evil actions.
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You can kill alt bros by posting lame crap like this.
KEEP UP THE LAME POSTING!
Miss U Good posts.
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//////////Reply by pseudonym2
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 1:25 am
@Teh Anomususses, see what you’ve done crls. ur killing TEH ANOMUSUSSES?! H8 U CRLS!
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//////////Reply by Teh Anomususses
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 2:17 am
@pseudonym2, Think how I’m feeling! I doesn’t post MOAR Alt GREATNEZZ
THen I think I’ll dye.
And the SRS RADOI OINE DOENST KOUNT!
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//////////Reply by Teh Anomususses
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 2:18 am
@Teh Anomususses, Insert a “f he” between the “I and doesn’t in “I doesn’t post MOAR Alt GREATNEZZ”"
That’s what I get for being another enraged internet meme.
wow i didnt know the other MSTRKRFT (not jesse) was freddy mercury??
ps i would kill my mum via bangerz (nosebleeds)
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h8 jeffbuckleyisdead cracks. h8 u crls. that was below the belt.
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Sorry for failing to be sarcastic, but-
I always wanted to know if Al-P meant Alain Quême (Alan Braxe) or cousin Stephane Quême (DJ Falcon).
You?
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//////////Reply by saur
//////////Posted December 30th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
@Chinua, Wahooooo. Totally never considered that. I always just assumed it was Alan Braxe. DJ Falcon kinda just gets drunk at after parties and hits on 18 year old girls with braces.
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Susan
Sarandon&
Geena Davis&
Harvey Keitel&
Michael Madsen.
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why would you want to kill someone anyway? thats a lot of commitment (2 yr plan) just to kill someone.. whats your motive?
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\\\
Gibbard&
Masterson&
Aoki&
Gillis
|||
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Schreiber &
Charney &
Volodkin &
Carles
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http://www.jetset.nl/archive/t-shirtism.html
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i thought i liked music until i discoverd your blog and now i can only h8
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I would take out some of his small intestine, padlock it to a pole where there aren’t many people around, aim a gun at him, and give him a minute to run. Of course, if he ripped out his small intestine, he’d probably die of blood loss anyway.
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