I am planning a Girls Night Out with a group of my closest girlfriends. We will spend the entire night together. We will start out at my apartment, ‘getting ready’ while gossiping and talking about guys who we think are cute and attainable. We will also complain about the daily grind of out jobs, and how $30-35k is not enough for what we do and how valuable we are to the company. The majority of our paychecks go towards shopping for things like sunglasses and designer purses, and the car payment for my second class ’sports car.’ My personal brand is mainly built around walking in and out of restaurants and stores, wearing my expensive sunglasses, carrying my expensive bag, and entering+exiting the car that I am 80% too proud of.
GNO will be amazing. We will drive to Chili’s to make sure we have a full stomach before a night where we are dedicated to ‘raging.’ We will order appetizers, fruity drinks, and maybe split an entree. We will text message friends and guys to ’see what they’re up to tonight.’ After Chili’s, we will go to a high-class bar because are wearing black outfits (or maybe a popular alt-nightclub because we are wearing our interpretation of ‘hipster’ gear). Eventually, we will find out where a group of mediocre guys are hanging out, and we will force our way over there. The will/will not be pleased to see us.
One of the girls in the pack will lose interest, slipping into a depressed oblivion. She is a ‘chunky virgin’ and has never had sex/has only had 1 boyfriend who abused her. Tonight, she was supposed to be liberated. Sometimes, popular mainstream hit songs come on in the club. We dance, and mouth the lyrics to the dance song which we should not be able to identify with. This moment is relevant, because it is a moment which we replicate inside of our 2nd rate sports cars while wearing our sunglasses that ‘make us feel famous.’ We are a powerful consumer demographic. We are responsible for 5 of the top 10 artists of the year in the iTunes digital store.
The night will end. We will talk ourselves’ into what a great time it was, creating stories that we can re-tell for years to come. We go back to my apartment–where we prepared for the night. I will warm up some more appetizers from the frozen food aisle of my local grocery store, and provide a gourmet sweet treat. We will fall asleep, drunk, full, and numb. I have no dreams, but I wake up in the middle of the night to drink a glass of water.
In the morning, we will wake up, eat a carb-y breakfast, recapping the night with tons of laughs. My plate comes with pancakes, french toast, bacon, sausage, and eggs. It helps my stomach settle.
Girls Night Over ends the morning after. I get into my Civic and drive away. I put on a song that I heard last night.
Monday will come. Back at work. Girls Night Out will be ‘just another memory that we can reminisce about [via commenting on one another's facebook walls so that other people will know that we know how to party].’ We will be back at our desk reading gossip blogs, draining my employer’s network by spending the entire day on Facebook/myspace, and dreaming of
a Life
where every night
is not
Girls // Night // Out.
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IAmCarles.com
67 Comments
do some sit-ups fatty.
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i once used up the whole office’s bandwidth in a single perez tv watching experience
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SO FUCKING TRUE CRLS, painfully so
im goin to go off on some GNO bitches
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carles, you are able to repeat life itself in blog form and make it a parody. the blog is the parody. the parody is the message. the message is life. life is a blog.
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//////////Reply by neednotapply
//////////Posted January 4th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
@anonny, life IS a blog//here we are now: entertain us
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//////////Reply by NathanR
//////////Posted January 4th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
@neednotapply, isn’t that the whole song? i thought so-
here we are now: entertain us
here we are now: entertain us
here we are now: entertain us
etc.
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You need to do the same for a Boys Night Out
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//////////Reply by human after y'all
//////////Posted January 4th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
@ozroller, I second that. Do a Boys Night Out [you could probs incorporate the band of the same name too. Nvr listened to their songs but people that 'know too much about music' say they are pretty good and underrated]
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//////////Reply by cold legs
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 1:11 am
@human after y’all, c+/b- band. not rly underrated.
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//////////Reply by cold legs
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 1:12 am
@cold legs, ******if yr in2 pseudo emocore type things.
//////////Reply by ruthie
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 2:18 am
@human after y’all, They played Boys Night Out at my local roller skating rink in 2003.
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//////////Reply by Gldfsh
//////////Posted April 29th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
wow, in about 1000?? words you just completely trashed 95% of the female population between the ages of 21 and 31 in my country, without even knowing it..
<3 u carles
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you are trying to hard carles
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//////////Reply by schizo
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
if anything he’s not trying hard enough, going for lowhanging fruit
this blog is about mocking hipsters, anyone can mock shallow mainstream twats, and tons of people (in particular, hipsters who think they’re “above the mainstream culture”) already do it. the point is to knock THOSE people off their high horse.
but seriously, what’s next, fucking hipster runoff the sitcom? you’re better than this carles
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//////////Reply by anon
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
@schizo, bro, carles created the hro brand and carles can do whatever the fuck he wants with it.
hro is a fucking lifestyle brand
(<3 u carles)
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carles you aren’t trying hard enough
BNO PLZ
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photo #2 GNO…highly tuggable
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//////////Reply by kanye
//////////Posted January 4th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
meant #3
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you’re back carleser. well done.
-complexbro/gchatbro
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so good, so good, like sweet caroline
SAVE TRAPPED IN SUBURBIA BRO!
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Early best post of 2k9 candidate.
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//////////Reply by pooponyoursoul
//////////Posted January 4th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
@1234, AGREED
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errrrr this was okay.
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Bravo
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fuckmnstrmbtchz
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<3<3sincerely<3 carles woman-hatin posts
you are the best faggot
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nice
sounds like some shit coming from adbustersss
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You’ve taken ur first step into a larger world. The streamers are no longer safe. Knives out, fellow alts! Tonight, we ride out to meet death!
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//////////Reply by xavier
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
@CiscoBro, haha lols
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those girls nvr “Get” me…
i used to work for some of them. they thought i was weird because i didnt “Get” paying lots of money for fake mexican/chinese/american food via chilis/P.F. changs/TGIF.
they also didnt “get” why i didnt like going to bars that called themselves “Lounges” instead of buying shots at a DT (insert city here) dive bar that had been co-opted by local alts that would storm the place every (insert random midweek night here).
Also didnt get how smoking was as much apart of my personal brand as not smoking (except when their drunk) was apart of theirs.
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
@MNSTR-KLLR., Totally
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Wow Charles, epic. These girls will exist until the end of time won’t they? Styles will change, and so will the size of their hair, but every generation will have their version of the sad, hollow, party girl.
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//////////Reply by d
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 2:32 am
@JStone, this describes almost every girl at my very highly ranked mainstream university. no substance.
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
@d, and no substance abuse… which may in fact be the same thing.
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crls, i think you go out on GNOs with my roommate while i stay home and read HRO.
h8 myself
<3 myself
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man, I hate those fucking girls
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i especially hate having to be nice to them just cause i don’t want to be a total fucking dick all the time
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but im not usually nice to them so its ok
(ps comment inflation #s don’t mean anything)
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Part of the GNO never dies.
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HEY CRLS WHEN R WE GOIN’ ON OUR GNO?! i made some guacamole for us to eat at my apartment afterwords…
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omg, this is such an accurate depiction of every moment of my life that i want to climb into a deep dark hole and curl up and die.
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
@JPony, developing a mild drug habit and/or alcohol addiction helps a lot with that.
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crls u perfectly capture the existential angst
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Are we tainted by Sex and the City, Gossip Girl, and Fairy Tales? Us girls are getting a bad rap. You should shove it! Talk about how sexy we are and our nips, bastard!
<3
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//////////Reply by anonymissu
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 2:34 am
GNO is for gurls that wear sweatpants n uggs. they were the girls all the boyz liked in middle school becuz they got tits first.
h8 u, GNO girls. u always talk about ur pms and ur obsession w chocolates. i hope u all get fat b4 i do. then no1 will like u. payback, like u, is a bitch.
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
@Mya, also alts don’t care about gigantic and/or fake titties….although they can fun to look at and/or play with they are usually not worth the maintenance.
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//////////Reply by Mya
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Lolz. I wasn’t expecting the response. Thanks for the replies. I was ‘Totally’ not serious but thanks for the notice. I love you for it.
PS: This blog is filled with your lovely attention to nips. XO Boys.
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i kissed a girl, and i got all dizzy
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Guuud, whhat a depressing story/
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The isolation of modern woman in the concrete jungle. Just as empty as anyone else who refuses to drop the facade and be real. (OMG IRONY LOLZZZZZZZZ)
Good luck ever being happy that way.
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this is really funny shit man, fucking good writing!
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//////////Reply by schizo
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
@mymankenscigarette, man yeah those bitches are like crazy brah! i love this shit dawg, this post was almost as funny as dane cook
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//////////Reply by anon
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
@schizo, schizo, chill bro
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more posts like this
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Fail.
dig deeper crls
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THE 1ST RULE OF BEING ALT IS 2 NEVER PARTY ON SAT, CUZ U NEVER WANT 2 B SEEN W/ ALL THE GNO CROWD…..
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
@HOLLY, or you can simple avoid “clubs” and “lounges”.
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Gr8 Post. FUCK BITCHE$
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7/10 post
but at least i gt to tug myself to thinking of tugging a GNO troupe “in full” drinking tequila + guacamole
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@ anonymissu
i don’t think these girls can exist without their VS Pink sweatpants and brown Ugghs. h8 u for being such a powerful consumer demographic [via wearing slogans on your ass/feet/fake mnstrm breasts]]
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gah, so depressingly accurate; really painful read.
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GNO bitchz scare me because the heavy one is the most authentic and authentic is what i am looking for;
if i am scared of the most authentic one, does that mean i am a altbag or still the trendsetting_azn that my personal brand radiates?
chrles plz help
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GNO bitchz scare me because the heavy one is the most authentic and authentic is what i am looking for;
if i am scared of the most authentic one, does that mean i am a altbag or still the trendsetting_azn that my personal brand radiates?
chrles plz advise
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Damn, all of my nights are Girls’ Night Out. Chili’s predictable?
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we are not all like that
misogiyinstic twatttttttttttttttttttttttttt
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//////////Reply by dashi
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
@euu, i don’t think he’s calling out ALL women/girls/mnstrmrs/poor spellers; just the tarded ones direct off the factory line.
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carles, its like you know me really well, and know exactly what i need right now.
yes, this story is a parody underlining how empty the existences of so many people are.
but putting aside the depressing emptiness, is/ isn’t there something beautiful about the whole “GNO girl lifestyle”?
Maybe you can only find it in an ironic or post-ironic way, but the constructed artificial consumer life that these girls lead… it seems beautiful to me when i consider just HOW fucking constructed and ridiculous it is.
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//////////Reply by loldisco
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
@gosple, u gotta point there, 500 years ago these girls would’ve be trailing kids and losing hair, worn out peasant hags up to their knees in pig shit..
we’ve come a long way
<3 u civilization!
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well personally I thought that this was really good because at my uni 80% of the girls are like this… cant wait till I transfer to pratt were we will all be alt
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//////////Reply by malt liquor
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
@xavier, i live and work right by Pratt (which is in Ft Green) and Pratt/Ft Green is far from all alt. the best is when you get all the visiting practically-pre-pubescent high schooler alts during the summer though. they are practically frothing at the mouth the prospect of licking what in their eyes are alt-paved streets of gold. if you like sacrificing virgins i suppose… and who doesn’t? begs the constantly re-emerging trend question what is alt?
I am alt therefore i am? is that fair?
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//////////Reply by agdymahoozle
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
@malt liquor, tl;dr
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//////////Reply by xavier
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
@malt liquor, I was just kidding but your post made me lol
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we all can’t be alts and we all can’t rap gotta getcha dollaz on cause it’s on like that!
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this is the funniest post you’ve made in awhile
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hahahahah!
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best post forever
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hahahahahhaha
perfect
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EPIC.
A fine post, old sport.
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i just started a slow clap for this post….
i second the epic.
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funny cause it’s true
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CORRECT
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Boys night out next!
MOAR
x
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//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted January 5th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
@Dvdi, Bros night out has pretty much been covered to death.
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amazing. so true!
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you are delicious. plz fcuk me crls
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all the girls in my office remind me of that… thanks for putting a name to my general animosity… im not lending them my MerriweatherPP cd tomorrow now… no more convertinnnnnn…..
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Girls night out is for bitches who never got stitches.
http://www.hipsterwave.com
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1: that other entry level alt stole my name
2: is it ok if I have a bromance instead of a bunch of girlfriends?
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hahahahaha oh man that was depressing
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Carles I wish you didn’t hate girls so much. I wish you would write posts for us sometmes. I mean I rly like HRO a lot but sometimes i feel left out and it makes me sad. I mean I ‘get it’ as much as the next guy OR GIRL. It would mean a lot to me if u accepted us. Maybe u should get a female writer for ur blog at some point.
Id be up 4 it.
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it’s like you were there -_-
fml
do an article on hipster hoes that only date DJs
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//////////Reply by newbie
//////////Posted October 17th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
@ekerella, yess agreed
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//////////Reply by newbie
//////////Posted October 18th, 2009 at 12:04 am
@ekerella, also this post is such an accurate description of my life 4 yrs ago.. too accurate. damn. it’s depressing.
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girls night out is always pathetic once there’s 4+ single gals. doesn’t matter who they are. artists/musicians/future biochemists/masked dj’s/designers/ultra trendy work for dim mak hookers.
after 4, it just a gaggle of ho’s. or a pack? a herd?
this post is too sad crls!
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Halloween wig =fail. Not authenic yall.
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Just check out my blog – it will explain it all..
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the girls in the 2nd photo are drinking beer. from cans. kinda makes them seem more ‘chill’ than they look/carles imagines them.
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