In an effort to be mainstream, Carles decided 2 watch the popular television show ‘The American Idols’, and then blog about it.
8:00- Opening credits… fucking pumped.
8:02- omg. love this show. head gonna explode. wonder who will win this season.
8:05- yay. love Ryan Seacret. Think he might be ‘ghey’ though
8:06 – wonder if Ry Seacry had plastic surgery. Miss ‘metrosexuals.’ :::GAYDAR ALERT:::!!!
8:10- OMG! love this season’s cast! I can relate to a few of them s00 much! 1 is from my hometown and went to a high school close to mine!
8:11 – Commercial…. i mean cmon America… do we really need Tacos for 99 cents? LOL!!
8:14 – ugh. finally. New guy is singing. Think his name is Justin Guarini. He is singing a jazzy version of Maroon 5. He might be ‘ghey’, but also might just be ‘pumped to be famous for a month.’
8:16 – Simon is s0 mean!
8:17 – Love Paula!
8:18 – Some tween came up and sang Vanessa Carlton’s “1000 Miles.” Song always reminds me of the summer we went away 2 college, and I stayed in a long distance relaish.
8:19 – Commercial. OMG. Saw the scariest Volkswagen commercial. Need 2 get 1.
8:22 – Neil Diamond is the best! Great singer and great teacher! inspired.
8:23 – haha. Simon and Ryan goin at it. Those guys have great chemistry. Love their fashion.
8:25 – Just showed some rejects! some faggot dumb asian was such a fucking idiot! hahahaha! this guy sucks…. but he has a good heart… loves him
8:27 – OMG. Black woman got all mad! She seems like a real cunt! But I agree with the judges… all black people think that they are gifted at either music or sports… wish some1 would give them a reality check…
8:30 – Commercial. Yawn. Dorito break!
8:31 – Havin a craving… time to mash some peanut M&M’s into some Ben And Jerry’s… ugh… snacking will be the death of me… and my waistline! but 1 ‘junkfood day’ per week won’t be too bad.
8:34 – Finally…show back on…
8:34 – is it just me, or has Paula had some work done?
8:35 – Fat black guy singing. Think America gets behind fat ppl because they feel bad that they are gonna die so soon of Diabetes (aka The Sugar).
8:37 – Some twink is singing. Don’t think America will vote for his ‘fggt ass.’ especially cuz only ‘dumb people’ watch tv, and they are conservativez.
8:38 – some other gay guy is singing…. yawn… wish they could sexually screen these people. Need 2 write it into Prop 8….
8:41 – so gaytastic!!! transitioning into some bro who is trying to sound like Nickelback, I think.
8:43 – some old dad is singing. Time to get a 100 calorie pack! hehe
8:44 – taking the dog out to poop and pee
8:45 – have to take a shit
8:46 – Commercial. Ugh!!!!!! tired of seeing the same insurance commercial over and over!
8:50 – Hefty black girl singing. Think she might win so they can market her as ‘the next Aretha Franklin.’ Not sure if Beyonce will be willing 2 put on enough pounds to ‘fill that niche.’
8:51 – Random thought… Would Jessica Simpson/Ashlee Simpson’s career be better if they ‘won’ Ammy Idol?
8:53 – Kelly Clarkson singing ‘Since U Been Gone.’ she has ’star’ written all over her….
8:55 – Commercial. UGH!!! laptop running out of battery. Gonna make some popcorn for the announcement of the winner…. simon’s so mean! will dump Whoppers and Milk Duds into the popcorn to get some salty sweetness goin’ on…
8:56 – Nervous for all of the contestants.
8:57- OMG…just eliminated my favourite contestant…. feel sad 4 them. Sad that they go back home to their small town and will become alcoholics/ substance abusers.
8:58 – Time for the winner………after this commercial… UGH
8:59 – Calling in 1 last time to make sure my fave contestant wins. Gonna call from both my home phone and cell phone. hehe.
8:59 – OMG… here it comes…
8:59 – Ryan has envelope… opens it.
9:00 – THEY DID IT! They won… Think he/she is gonna be around this music industry or a long, long time.
9:00 – A Star Was Born
9:02 – Put in Freschetta pizza. Takes 25 minutes until crust golden brown. hungry
9:24 – Take out pizza from oven with oven mitt
9:25 – Burned the roof of my mouth with hot cheese…Shoulda let it cool off.
9:26 – Open up a 3 liter of root beer and pour it into a big cup
9:30 – put it on some soft porn while eating. Feel my penis get 36% erect
9:34 – finish entire pizza by myself 960 calories… ugh…
9:35 – penis fully erect, rubbing erect shaft with greasy palms. Lubricated. precum
9:39 – rubbing, waiting for a good sex scene to come up
9:43 – get restless, use my laptop to surf for a good porn scene
9:44 – rub butter on to my penis head and rub until is is ‘incredibly sensitive.’
9:58 – after waiting for a good scene, finally settle on one that is ‘kinda fucked up’ but also ‘very real.’ has a good cum shot
10:03 – about to cum
10:05 – make myself ejaculate at the same time that the porno guy cums on her face
10:06 – take dish to the sink. pile with rest of dishes.
10:08 – have really bad gas. Keep farting.
10:10 – farted and a runny log of shit accidentally came out. go to restroom to take off shit-stained underwear and drop log into the toilet
10:14 – spend 5 minutes looking at myself in the body. Holding my rolls of fat
10:45 – feeling worthless and disgusting
10:50 – write down a workout regiment for the next week…seriously cutting out bad foods.
10:52 – jerk myself off. cum, but it is clear and trickles out.
10:54 – examine myself for cancer
10:55 – worried i have cancer
11:04 – google ‘cancer symptoms’ and convince myself I have cancer
11:06 – eat a Hot Pocket
11:10 – get angry at myself. cut myself. long gash down my abdomen.
11:11 – bleeding into sink. getting light headed
11:14 – throw up hot pocket. Feel better
11:15 – call 3 friends. no one picks up
11:16 – call my dad to freak him out. Needing attention. haven’t talked to him in 5 years.
11:20 – tell him that I am going to ‘fucking kill myself.’
11:30 – crying on the bathroom floor. puddle of blood. Drinking a beer mixed with Nyquil and other downers
11:31 – get rifle out from underneath my bed
11:33 – sobbing uncontrollably. shit. Put rifle into my mouth
11:34 – think to myself ’seriously? Is this what I fucking want to do? Do you fucking know what you are doing? You can’t fucking do anything right. Fuck. You are too pussy. You can’t do anything right.’
11:36 – Check email one last time. Search twitter for something that would inspire me
11:38 – write a series of cryptic emails, facebook wall posts, myspace comments and tweets to people who I know well, and also to people who I don’t know.
11:39 – make an iTunes playlist with a mix of Linkin Park, Needle in the Hay, and “adam’s song” for people to find playing when they discover me. Also carve ‘please tell mom this is not her fault’ on my tummy with a steak knife.
11:40 – Check Perez Hilton for his reaction 2 2nite’s AI… feel the same way as him.
11:40 – Blow my brains out. Last words were ‘Goodnight moon.’
This has been a liveblog by Carles of the popular weblog HIPSTERRUNOFF.com. For more American Idol coverage, please visit hipsterrunoff.com/AmmyIdol.
Please comment with who u think will win next season.
What else should I liveblog, yall? Think it is ‘fun’ and makes me feel knnected 2 the rst of America. Do yall like 2 sit on ur lappy and watch TV, and talk about what is happening on the TV while ur connected 2 ppl on the internet?
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IAmCarles.com
66 Comments
1st. You clearly did a lot of work on this post. well done.
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//////////Reply by moonwalker
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
my roomates brother shot himself the same night you posted this
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//////////Reply by xavier
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
@moonwalker, hahahahaha thats awesome
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second omg
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//////////Reply by second
//////////Posted May 5th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
@second, and i could have been first if i hadn’t decided to read the article
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//////////Reply by second
//////////Posted May 5th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
@second, if it weren’t for you meddling kids
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damn
clear cum
sort of interesting
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fourst!
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i <3 u crls but not in a ‘ghey’ way
beautiful post
goodbye world
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s0 sad u ‘off’d’ urself
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pizza cheese oil is a sweet lubricant
glad you ‘took’ my tip on that bro
sweet, isn’t it
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//////////Reply by cp
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 12:04 am
@tao,
damn
think it’s savoury
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//////////Reply by aw, fukk
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 12:12 am
@cp,
get it? he took his tip?
get it?
get it?
as in the tip of his penis
cause tao lin and carles are fggts 4 eachother
Reply
//////////Reply by Hammerheadsharks!
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 1:39 am
@aw, fukk,
Tao Lin = Carles.
</3
//////////Reply by h8rbro
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 3:44 am
@aw, fukk, aw, fukk=tao lin?
//////////Reply by MrsOfficer
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
@aw, fukk, JUST THE TIP!!!
//////////Reply by anony
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 8:50 am
@tao, Lots of tug posts lately….(every post?)
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//////////Reply by tryin2findmyself
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
@anony, would u fukk tao? id fuck tao! id fuck tao hard
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were u 27 br0 [via babyboomer conspiracy theory]?
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9ince
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idk if that was rly in ‘real time’
feel deceived
need to study for calc final 2moro
wish college was more like that song by the bro asherRoth
<3 u carles
glad ur liveblogged suicide ‘isnt real’
my dream is to meet you at the grocery store
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best post evr
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//////////Reply by james murphy's chins
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
@AnColonic, yes a classic post
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feel like this post will one day be a “classic”
made me “lol” 3-9 times, but then get sad when carles killed himself, but then happy when i realized it was “only a blog post”
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wow
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this post is full of lolz, thx crls.
<3 u.
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Loved this post. Very hard work I see, clever :)
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I think this A-idol live blogging has finally made Crls a relevant blogger.
wish i could cum w/ kelly clarkson
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<333
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Tell your Dad I said “hi”!
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<3 azns
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ahhhh, loved this post. whoops, got nothin clever to say. so not fitting in right now. brb, hot pocket time… er, I mean, “hot pocket” time. Sort of feel like by using “quotations” I can finally “fit in” with “everyone” “else.”
Maybe I overdid the “”"” part. someone help.
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//////////Reply by Madi B
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 1:15 am
@Colleen, go to bed Colleen
the “” get the best of us =]
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//////////Reply by Colleen
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 1:18 am
@Madi B, can’t go to bed Madi B. too stressed out about proper hipster usage of “quotation” “marks.”
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//////////Reply by Madi B
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 1:31 am
@Colleen, stop trying so hard or you’ll look like you’re trying to “be authentic”
just go for a “post-ironic” outlook on life, then you don’t need to quote anything.
duh bitch. =]
//////////Reply by Colleen
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 1:42 am
@Madi B, why so angry? Try-hards are s0 2k8. Just miss my Goodnight Moon. sort of feel like it nvr got read 2 u. sort of feel like you’ve nvr had hot pockets. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9c9lAfXQHs
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//////////Reply by Madi B
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 2:01 am
@Colleen,
not angry just missunderst00d.
nvr had goodnight moon either, mom read me Freddy Nietzsche tho.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qGFO5BmhG8
//////////Reply by Colleen
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 11:08 am
@Madi B, sry ur moms nvr read you the “Goodnight Moons.” weird cuz I alwayz thought F-Nietzsche’s “beyond good + evil” was the sequel.
p.s. <3 Gaffigan. sorta feel like we bonded over digital lafs. sorta makes me wish I could be “Colleen B.”
//////////Reply by lil wayne
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 2:11 am
@Colleen, colleen is an “old person” name just saying
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//////////Reply by Clausewitz
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 2:40 am
@lil wayne, i knew a goth by that name in hi-skool. wonder what she’s up 2 now. wonder if she’s become an alt or just become a horrible person.
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//////////Reply by Colleen
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 11:04 am
@lil wayne, thx a lot lil wayne. hit a “sensitive spot.” totally agree, tho. h8 my name/lyfe. thx 4 nothin, ma. Colleen = grandma. FML.
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//////////Reply by brobro
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 11:09 am
@Colleen, ur ‘getting it’ now.
//////////Reply by Steven
//////////Posted May 7th, 2009 at 1:07 am
@Colleen, don’t ever say FML ever again
//////////Reply by lil wayne
//////////Posted May 7th, 2009 at 3:04 am
@Colleen, ur mom needs to take naming-tips from my mom, lil wayne = relevant 2 a wide demographic ranging from obammy-bro 2 lookbook tweens
//////////Reply by HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK
//////////Posted May 10th, 2009 at 11:41 am
@Colleen, “quoting like this is a direct way to see that you are an entry lvlr”
//////////Reply by HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK
//////////Posted May 10th, 2009 at 11:40 am
@Colleen, just a tip for the future quote ur shit like ‘this’.
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greatest post since the last greatest post
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damn, that is funny shit.
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damn yo
tao lin get the fuck outta here
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that was the most fantastic story i have ever read.
laffed so hard. muh parents were watch AI too, stepmom tweeted about it.
crls, you will always be “classic funny” in my book, kinda want to “let you whisper jokes in my ear” like king adam sandleer…
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//////////Reply by HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK
//////////Posted May 10th, 2009 at 11:43 am
@Madi B, You’re an entry level too!
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//////////Reply by Madi B
//////////Posted May 10th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
@HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK,
eh. been entry level since 2k3 then.
miss when the good charlottes had that video at the high school. wanted my high school experience to be like that. then i transfered to a county school, FFA and all.
guess that makes me an entry lvl county alt/graduate?
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that post was so real.
got rly turnd on…not shur if it was cuz you cummd twice or cuz u cut ur abdomen/
still trying to find out what get’s me ‘moist’
pls don’t judge me carles. parents didn’t give me the talk.
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//////////Reply by Madi B
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 1:38 am
@Princess Jazzy Gems,
zohmygod, bet you have super uptight parents liek me.
hope you go to planned parenthood and get free shots of BC so you cant have babies for 3-6 months.
i’ll “pray for you” and hope you don’t get moist till marriage.
<3 yo sista in Christ.
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//////////Reply by Princess Jazzy Gems
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 4:16 am
@Madi B,
probably just gonna buy a lyfetime supply of those shots n take them 4ever.
i’ll tell evryone i’ve got the sugar so they feel bad for me when i take my ‘meds’.
thnx for the tips. ur probably an angel.
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carles, plz don’t off yrself. this live-bloggy reads like a cry for halp.
<3
concerned
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lean pockets
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this post is so long. you spent so long on it Carles. good job!
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carles makin a comeback
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It’s sad because it’s true. It’s funny because it’s sad.
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ROFL
Had me crying from laughter. Amazing.
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//////////Reply by HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK
//////////Posted May 10th, 2009 at 11:44 am
@ok, damn feel bad for you
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cutting is pretty chill i guess
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Keep the humor in this same vein, perfect, I had similar thoughts when thinking about American Al-Qaida. Bin Laden clearly produces this show to dumb down the Great Satan. He laughs and laughs when we count Un-american Idumb votes so easy and “real” votes so awfully, eat, cut, kill self, ha ah ah ahah ah ah ah. Extra greasy kudoprops for the rolly polly clip.
“I watch the American Cunt(idol), I love my Britain’s got talent”
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jeez Tao Lin/Carles whut is it with u and feeder pr0n?
luff it tho, dont ever go changing
lust,
tezza fukklez
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Yall. Not sure if Carlies ‘rlly killed himself’. Doesn’t some1 need 2 post the blog?
Wish I knew ‘how blogs worked’.
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<3 this post, Carles.
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//////////Reply by HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK
//////////Posted May 10th, 2009 at 11:45 am
@Semblance, I feel bad for you
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<3.. sense will win
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OH NO!!!
Was Carles really ‘human after all’?
Trying not to forget ‘what I believe in’ in times like these’:
‘
yall miss Carles is
blog to yall h8 Carles is
yall <3 Carles is
‘
Just wanna ‘hear the next season’.
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sdfezrgt
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SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I larfed and larfed…. That chick with big gutt is disgusting…where do you find all this crap that you post.
N E ways…. keep up with the post you are relevent crles…..
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//////////Reply by Clausewitz
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 10:55 am
@Play, she is a beautiful daughter of god… special in her own wai. didn’t u go 2 sunday schoolzz??
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//////////Reply by kid
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 11:11 am
@Clausewitz,
yeah. but she has no self respect which is what is really disgusting
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I might not eat again for days after that…where’s my adderall?
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//////////Reply by steph golightly
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 10:39 am
@anony, + american spirits + sparkling water
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good to see diabetes getting some coverage in 2k9. <3 u carles
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//////////Reply by Anon
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 11:32 am
@J, It’s a shame Carles doesn’t know jack shit about Diabetes. There is more than one type of Diabeetus, you know. It mite be interesting for you to know that Type 1 Diabeetus are even skinnier than coke whores.
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//////////Reply by hairy pouch
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 11:35 am
@Anon, it’s a shame anon doesn’t know jack shit about Coke Whores. There is more than one type of Coke Whore, you know. It mite be interesting for you to know that Type 1 Coke Whores are even fatter than diabetes patients.
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//////////Reply by Princess Jazzy Gems
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
@hairy pouch, HAHA GOOD CUMBACK!!!!
consider yourself affirmed
//////////Reply by Anon
//////////Posted May 7th, 2009 at 9:20 am
@hairy pouch, Type 1 coke whores would be dead, dumbass.
//////////Reply by hairy pouch
//////////Posted May 7th, 2009 at 9:45 am
@ anon, What the fuck does that even mean? srsly.
//////////Reply by Anon
//////////Posted May 7th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
@hairy pouch, a Type one will go into DKA and die shortly after if they cannot get any insulin. So a Type 1 who is also doing coke all the time is not going to give a fuck about taking care of themselves, go into a coma, and die. That’s what the fuck that meant.
//////////Reply by hairy pouch
//////////Posted May 8th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
@hairy pouch, you accused carles of making a generalization and then you made one..that’s all i was saying… and what’s a shame about it? srsly. what’s a shame about carles not knowing anything about diabetics? who crs?
//////////Reply by nooooo
//////////Posted May 8th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
@Anon, DKA? thats so zany… reminds me of scrubs
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//////////Reply by hairy pouch
//////////Posted May 8th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
just trying to say not all coke whores are skinny yall. thought that was obvious.
Yall. CRLS has competish. who is trying to creep in on his core ‘bro demographic’ (via craigslist)???:
http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/wri/1156335015.html
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this is one of the most unbelievable things i’ve ever read
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//////////Reply by altFattie
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
@tragedy in toyland, Believe it! …or not
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watching am idol= giving up on your life
i will never commit an alotted time slot to a weekly television program
ever
not even gossip girl
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Now that Carles is dead maybe Jeff will come back??? Hope so!
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//////////Reply by Clausewitz
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 10:56 am
@…, <3 jeff!!!
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//////////Reply by brobro
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
@…, miss u jeff, wish Carles hadn’t hacked u and taken over the site.
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2 long, did not read
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//////////Reply by hairy pouch
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 11:26 am
@brobro, wish i could “like this” [via thumbsup icon]
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Why are we still making fun of American Idol? Feel like this is what Andy Samberg or KenanandKel Thompson do on their blogs. Sometimes feel like this blog is relevant, but then devotes its longest post in a month to ripping on something that has been ripped on ad-nauz y’all. Feel like you didn’t even put a new “spin” on American Idol h8. Feel like you just h8 it the same way everybody has for years. Feel like I would want to kill myself too if I watched American Idol… I get it.. haha. Shocked if I’m alone here.
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//////////Reply by brobro
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@hairy pouch, every1 is alone.
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//////////Reply by hairy pouch
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
@brobro, “” [via donnie blipster]
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//////////Reply by Maxwell
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
@hairy pouch, agreed.
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//////////Reply by cc
//////////Posted May 7th, 2009 at 3:23 am
@hairy pouch, adam sandberg aint got shit on CRLS.
this post was funny as hell. won’t appeal to everyone. just everyone that gets it.
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//////////Reply by hairy pouch
//////////Posted May 7th, 2009 at 10:18 am
@cc, think i get it fggt
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this was great.
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THIS
IS
LUZL
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well this was heart-rending
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all coloured.people think they r gifted @ sports or music..whish some1 would give them a reality check.
*ahhhhh.
holarium.
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//////////Reply by blippinainteasy
//////////Posted May 6th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
@blippinainteasy,
wait.
where would the check be cashed.?
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plz tel mum dis iz not her folt
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Marry me Crls
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SO. GOOD.
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I was bored…
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Awesome post.
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*bookmarked*
thank you for this
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yo…this was a very disturbing entry, yall. from ultimate pleasure to ultimate anguish…i dont think people obtain those feelings from watching AI
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DINNER READY IS PIZZA?!?!
That’s where u fucked up, CRLS.
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their is no “cumming” in jail
:((((
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One of your better posts. Should have jerked off x3, dire realization of best orgasm attained upon wicked perusal of third grade class pic hidden conveniently under couch cushion, “BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE…”
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this + my bro got drunk = best of 2k9
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crls i want you to cum in my mouth. interested?
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genius post
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