Photos via the chiller whale
Boxed wine, usually the brand FRANZIA, means a lot of different things 2 a lot of different people. To a lonely, abused wife in Ohio, it might be her only escape to the high class world of France (an escape from the bruises her husband gives her). To a French person, it might ‘taste like urine.’ To a group of tweens, it might be ‘the only way 2 get drunk’ [via aloof parents' refrigerator]. To a group of alts, it might be a cost effective way to get tons of bros hammered while chilling all day in a park. Seems like a universal drink, sorta like ‘Coca Cola.’
I don’t rlly know that much abt wine. U could probably give me some kool aid mixed with beer, and I would probably think it was wine. Not sure why it is good/what makes it good (I have never seen Sideways). It seems like Franzia is a meaningful brand, like every1 know what it is…sorta like the Bud Light/Miller Lite of wines. Might try it.
Might sit around and play ‘UNO’ with all of my bros in a public space under the natural lite of the sun. The area will not have wifi, so no1 will bring a lappy, but some1 might bring an iPod + speaker dock.
Might pretend I am a popular bloghouse DJ who pours Franzia into fans’ moufs.
Might make a joke that my ‘cock’ has morphed into the spout of a Franzia box. Might make a joke about homosexuality.
Might morph into a bro who is in college, looking to get attention at a party, and build a Franzia Box costume, and put a ‘glory hole’ in my costume.
What does Franzia mean to yall? Do yall think it is tasty? Ironic? Fun? Cost-effective? Better than Sparks? Better than beer? Pussy water?
Do yall ever have picnics in public parks where u r the only alt people around, and all of the mainstream families look at you like you are ‘a group of aliens’?
What’s ur fave way to get ‘drunk’/'fucked up’?
What does ‘Grey Goose Blood Vodka’ taste like? Seems hi class. Have only seen AltCelebs drinking it.
Is Franzia ‘the next big alt beverage’? [via sparks/PBR/miscellaneous music event alcohol sponsor]
I feel like I can identify with box wine bc it challenges existing design norms [via bottles].
Have heard that drinking Franzia is ‘basically like a homeless man drinking rubbing alcohol’ to get fucked up. Trying 2 get an internship as a sommelier after watching Top Chef.
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42 Comments
first!
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//////////Reply by altBro
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 10:45 am
@yes, you have achieved epic status by being the first poster on this comment of an extremely relevant discussion. have a few hundred internets for your achievement. you absolute cunt.
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//////////Reply by you_r_not_pun_k
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 3:54 pm
@altBro, i second that cunt
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franzia will never be alt-worthy it tastes like hobo-piss
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//////////Reply by jjj
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 4:59 pm
@Wildwood, irony has no sense of taste.
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//////////Reply by lovemuffin
//////////Posted July 23rd, 2009 at 7:12 am
@jjj, hobo piss is quite alt
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//////////Reply by c
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 5:23 pm
@Wildwood, …and PBR …doesn’t?
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//////////Reply by shauny
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
@c, PBR tastes good bro. i would drink it even if it weren’t alt-y
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//////////Reply by Wildwood
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 10:30 pm
@c, nah pbr tastes like water
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I like to take out the bag and stick it in a small Victorinox bag I have. It’s a perfect fit and I can swing it around a nuzzle the spout. Very discrete.
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second
this chick i knew used to have the franzia bladder in her purse at parties so she could dispense wine straight from a lil hole in her purse. franzia is amazing…!
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carles have u heard about four loko (the next sparks)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_(drink)
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//////////Reply by you_r_not_pun_k
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
@jw, 4Loco better than juice, more 2k9 relevant than franzia. PBR i will marry you, and cheat on you with 4LOCO fruit punch not grape drink.
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//////////Reply by fournication
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 8:50 pm
@you_r_not_pun_k, liquor store by my place has fours for 99cents! beats the shit outta sparks/joose price.
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a ‘fraternity’ themed haiku involving franzia:
while pledging a frat/
we drank mad franzia yo/
freshman got wasted.
-vincelrs, 1986
franzia is frat classic and ‘alt approved’-the ‘Obama’ of low cost alcoholic beverages
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//////////Reply by FratBag
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 1:04 pm
@vince, So much hazing freshmenz w/ Franzia!! CHUGGG IT!!!!
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chiller whale
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Box-eater’s teeth are very alt.
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“…The drink has recently become extremely popular in South East Portland Oregon.
Drinking Four Loko is known throughout Southern California as “Getting Quadded” and in South East Portland, it has been called “getting loked.” On the East Coast, it is known as “Getting Loko.”"
fucking hipsters
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the hobo is so hungry he tries to eat the box.
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i”ve never heard of franzia hence it must be amazing
will be buying only this from now on,, bring it to squat parties and similar events
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preparing myself for an upcoming event y’all: LE TOUR DE FRANZIA
many boxes many people many tricycles?
with franzia there are endless possibilities.
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also you get a wicked hangover from this altnectar via the ‘insanely high sugar content’, so the next day you get to share meaningful hangover food w/your bros and talk about ‘how fucked up u got’ from the ‘hilarious’ boxed wine.
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I WILL NEVER FORGET FRZA & CARLY ROSS.
BEIN A ‘BICYCLE FGGT’ IVE EXPERIENCED MOONBUBBLES FROM PROVIDENCE, RI 2 PDX 2 ATX 2 LA
NEVER FORGET FRANZ ELLERS & CARLY ROSS.
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If buying wine in a box is alt, then buying wine in a box in mass quantities at Costco (alt-er than its other mainstream cohorts as they pay their employees above minimum wage, don’t always treat their customers and employees like shit, and actually carry organic foods) is alt-er?
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feel like absinthe is alt-est
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//////////Reply by anon
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
@qqqq, mansinthe is alt-est
http://www.mansinthe.com/
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Franzia caused my first lesbian experience to happen when I was like 15. It was awkward and hot and with a few different girls at once. Thanks Franzia!
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//////////Reply by altBro
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
@hunter,
pics pls
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//////////Reply by hunter
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 12:25 pm
@altBro, This was before the advent of tweens with camera phones, unfortch. I think I just missed the cutoff for the myspace generation, thank the lords.
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//////////Reply by Black Ghallager
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
@altBro,
i got alcohol poisoning form that shit son.
fuck boxed wine
and fuck dtla rite aid staff
i got warrants.
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//////////Reply by cobones
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 1:44 pm
@Black Ghallager, llo
H8 U CARLES
U USE TO B COOL
< / 3
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//////////Reply by OMG
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
!
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//////////Reply by you_r_not_pun_k
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 6:19 pm
@anonymous, hey remember that time you gave me heppy C, thanx jerk.
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my girlfriends grandma drinks box wine and she’s pretty alt bro
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Franzia’s no two buck chuck but it comes in a box and so is way harder to spill, which is koo.
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//////////Reply by Charles
//////////Posted July 23rd, 2009 at 2:32 am
@Esc, Love two buck chuck, especially with my TJs employee discount.
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T-Bird is still the most alt way to intoxicate oneself.
It’s so alt only homeless people can really understand it’s charm.
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//////////Reply by you_r_not_pun_k
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 6:17 pm
@say tw(h)at?, ever had a shakem-up?
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//////////Reply by say tw(h)at?
//////////Posted July 23rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
@you_r_not_pun_k, not that I can remember.
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Negative feelings as it tastes like vomit
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man, we used to guzzle that shit back when i was a college bro. you still can’t go wrong for $10 for 5 liters of wine, man. miss u!
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Carles, franzia is soooo summer 2008. a little late on the uptake, huh?
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//////////Reply by runningcolors
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
@ALT MNSTRMR, stfu fggt.
y’all it’s all about that black box wine.
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Thunderbird, Four Loco, JOOSE, Franzia, PBR, etc.
Franzia has good memorie, but my personal fav. is Steel Reserve.
btw, is Mickey’s 40oz. still ‘relevant’?
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To me Franzia means drinking wine in large quantities via tastes like water after a while…locking myself in the bathroom…then rolling up in a fetal position on the bathroom floor while bawling hysterically. Then refusing to let my dad in as he bangs on the door for 25 minutes maybe longer. Woke up asleep the next morning in that same position.True story, first time I got to drink in front of my parents and the very last yall :(
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man, you forgot the most important ‘aspect’ of boxed wine… slap the bag (aka slapbag)
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//////////Reply by lucy
//////////Posted July 22nd, 2009 at 9:00 pm
@knckl sndwch,
i agree! slapbag is the best!
oh there are endless amounts of entertainment with boxed wine…
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//////////Reply by stina
//////////Posted July 30th, 2009 at 11:39 am
slap the bag is THE only way to drink franzia.if not……i cant bring myself to drink it.it really does taste kinda like puke.
but i found out if you leave it in your backseat of your car for three days in the summer heat and then let about 10 people you dont know at parties drink from the spout then freeze it and thaw it out in your car another day it actually tastes alot better!!!! thats my new favorite thing to do
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sparks, pbr, bud, joooose (jooostice), chelada. These are all malt beverages. These are all alt beverages. Im sorry crls but, m-alt beverages will always be the true alt beverages.
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if its shitty wine, go with the bum jug.
Get a little carlo ya’ll.
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FRUITY LEXIA
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That is my costume, and my claim to fame in life. That and making Billie Simpson, the drunk armless midget a minor celebrity.
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Did CRLS just used the word sommelier!? OMGWTF!
If my fellow altbros are drinking FRANZIA I open myself a nice bottle of 1995 Rhône Valley and watch the circus.
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LOL. Carles makes so much money, he doesn’t even fucking KNOW what “Franzia” is. He probably had to look it up on wikipedia or urban dictionary or some shite.
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franzia has been an alt beverage for decades. now its cool for all the tweens who read your faggy blog
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everything u blog about turns TO SHIT
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I thank Franzia is da best in the summer because ya can take it out of da box and the big bag floats in wATER so perfectly. You and your frienz don’t even have ta get outta da pool for more drankz! Just a lil teamwork pushin it and everyone iz wineo drunk!
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we call it goon in australia. all the abos drink it, as well as the tweens. $10 for 4L of wine i always good. once you have drunk it you can blow up the bag and it makes a pretty good pillpow
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you should try juicebox wine. the little straw is so endearing
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Franzia was our alt-er-than-shit drink when I was in a somewhat-dickhead hipster clique like 8 years ago. Our hot-shit-but-actually-shitty band had a song about it. My signature move was chasing shots with a mug full of franzia. We’d then go practice our super-hip shitty garage rock. It was how the northwest rolled, like, before everyone got beards and starting drinking only bourbon and pretending that they live in the ozarks or whatever the fuck.
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I don’t know the brand of the box wine I get. It’s cheap as fuck and I don’t really remember the times I got drunk off of it all that well. Think I got into some fights on it. Good times as well. But I don’t take note of the brand or am into it specifically. I just tear it out of the box and drink it like fruit juice.
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Try http://www.leszektheblack.com for new alt bev.
love http://www.leszektheblog.com :)
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no memory at all
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