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“Shoplifting from American Apparel” by Tao Lin [EXCLUSIVE EXCERPT]

Hello, I’m Tao Lin.

You might know me as a frequent HIPSTER RUNOFF commenter when I am trying to promote my personal website heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com or as a model from the IAMCARLES campaign.

I recently wrote a novel called ‘Shoplifting from American Apparel.’ Some websites have reviewed it, and some have even ‘panned’ it. This book is intended to break into alternative markets. The title is ‘very marketable’ which is why I selected HIPSTER RUNOFF as a place to run this ‘exclusive’ excerpt. I have been told that many musicians ‘debut’ mp3s on certain music blogs, so I wanted to ‘do the same thing’ except with a book. (Full Disclosure: Carles and I are childhood friends. We also recently recorded our band’s debut EP.)

Please enjoy the excerpt. I hope it compels you to ‘buy‘ my novel. I check my Amazon sales rank on an hourly basis.

Author of Shoplifting from American Apparel,
Tao Lin
(Actually written by Carles.)

Please note: Carles does not endorse this product. Carles has not read this book. He only reads writings contained in web browsers. It is srsly the only way his brain can ‘process’ information.



EXCERPT From SFAA
********************
********************

Sam woke around 3:30 p.m. and saw no emails from Sheila. He made a smoothie. He lay on his bed and stared at his computer screen. He showered and put on clothes and opened the Microsoft Word file of his poetry. He looked at his email. About an hour later it was dark outside. Sam ate cereal with soymilk. He put things on eBay then tried to guess the password to Sheila’s email account, not thinking he would be successful, and not being successful. He did fifty jumping jacks. “God, I felt fucked lying on the bed,” he said to Luis a few hours later on Gmail chat. “I wanted to fall asleep immediately but that is impossible. I need to fall asleep. Any second now. Just fall down asleep.”

“I played video games,” said Luis. “Perfect Dark. I killed people for two hours then I got bored. I know what you mean by impossible.”

“This is fucked,” said Sam.

“You know those people that get up every day, and do things,” said Luis.

“I’m going to eat cereal even though I’m not hungry,” said Sam.

“And are real proactive,” said Luis. “And like are getting things done, and never quit their jobs. Those people suck.”

“We get shit done too,” said Sam. “Look at our books.”

“I know, but that brings in no money,” said Luis. “Are we, like, that word ‘bohemians.’ Or something. Our bios: ‘They lived in poverty writing their masterpieces.’”

“We are the fucked generation,” said Sam. “Someone release the press release announcing this. Look at that typo.”

The word “announcing” was almost twice as long as normal.

“I’m laughing,” said Luis. “That is a good typo.”

“How do we get out of this,” said Sam.

“Their shoes were shit, they couldn’t afford haircuts, they were stealing to stay alive, living off of strippers to create their art, but they believed that if they could write it something would happen,” said Luis.

“Who are they,” said Sam.

“They is us,” said Luis.

“I’m alone,” said Sam. “What would happen if I started sniffing coke.”

“You would kill yourself in a panic attack.”

“Are you sure,” said Sam.

“You will be on coke trying to steal batteries and your mind won’t be working properly and you will fuck up and someone will catch you and then you will go to jail.”

“Oh yeah,” said Sam. “I don’t have to worry about money anymore, I just steal batteries.”

“Do people really buy batteries off eBay,” said Luis.

“Yes. I have undercut the competition. Walmart is crying.”

“I’m going to watch cartoon porn,” said Luis. “No I’m not. I’m going to look at Indian women. Have you ever fucked an Indian girl.”

“No,” said Sam. “Native American or Indian.”

“You are awesome,” said Luis. “Is her picture online.”

“I’m confused,” said Sam. “What are you talking about.”

“How did you meet her,” said Luis.

“No, I haven’t,” said Sam. “You’re confused.”

“What are you talking about,” said Luis.

“I haven’t had sex with one,” said Sam.

“Okay,” said Luis. “What are you talking about.”

“Luis,” said Sam. “What is happening. It’s Saturday.”

“I think we are going insane,” said Luis. “From not being around people. We are starting to go inside ourselves, and play around inside of our own mental illness. That doesn’t make any sense.”

“What should I eat,” said Sam. “I have two choices. Cereal or peanut butter bagel.”

“Cereal,” said Luis.

“I wanted the bagel. I’m eating the bagel, I don’t know why I asked.”

“Sheila didn’t let you go over for leftovers,” said Luis.

“No,” said Sam. “I mean, we just didn’t talk or something.”

“Are you serious. Is everything okay.”

“I don’t know,” said Sam. “I woke up at 3:30.”

“I won’t go to sleep until five in the morning,” said Luis. “We are fucked.”

“I woke at 10:30 then said ‘this is fucked’ and went back to sleep,” said Sam. “I forced myself back to sleep.”

“Sheila won’t talk to you,” said Luis. “Or is it because your cell phone broke.”

“No,” said Sam. “We just didn’t talk since yesterday. We are like fighting or something. Or I just didn’t email her or something.”

“When Marissa and I fight we lay on our sides for an hour in different rooms and wait for the person that was mean to come into the room and say they are sorry, then we existentially attack each other in very quiet voices,” said Luis.

“That sounds great,” said Sam. “It’s only 11 p.m. What are we going to do for six hours.”

“Do you sometimes look up from the computer and look around the room and now you are alone, I mean really know it, then feel scared,” said Luis.

“Yes,” said Sam. “I really do that.”

“Should we kill ourselves now or start crying or punch ourselves in the nuts,” said Luis.

“What is wrong with us,” said Sam. “Should I email Sheila. Or wait until she emails me. I have no car, phone, bike. I’m going to add more people on MySpace.”

“We are so weird,” said Luis. “We met online a year ago. And we are up a year later being weird as shit.”
“One year,” said Sam. “This is weird.”

“I feel like my chest is going to explode,” said Luis.

“I’m adding random people on MySpace,” said Sam.

“I feel weird,” said Luis. “Like I was molested by my uncle or something. You are on the floor. With the blanket around you.”

“The blanket is over my head,” said Sam.

“Are we fucked,” said Luis and got off the internet.

Sam stared at his computer screen. He lay on his bed. It was November. Sam was in a rural area of Pennsylvania. He had moved here from New York City a few months ago to be near Sheila. He rolled off his bed and looked at his computer screen. Luis was back. “I just laid down and tried to cry,” said Sam. “I made a noise.”

“My computer took a shit for a second,” said Luis.

“I can’t think,” said Sam. “I’m going to do push-ups. What if Sheila and I break up. I’d be so fucked.”

“You still like each other right.”

“Yeah,” said Sam. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know what to do,” said Luis. “Do you wake up most days and your first thoughts are of literature, you go to sleep thinking about literature.”

“Yes,” said Sam. “That is all I think about. If I’m having a shitty time with Sheila’s mom I think about writing it in my novel later. I think about that the same time it’s happening.”

“When I’m talking to someone I think ‘can I use this dialogue in a book,’” said Luis. “If the answer is no I try talking to someone else.”


Buy Shoplifting From American Apparel
http://www.amazon.com/Shoplifting-American-Apparel-Tao-Lin/dp/1933633786/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252980636&sr=1-1


Selected Coverage of Shoplifting from American Apparel

http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/2009/09/selected-coverage-re-shoplifting-from.html

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66 Comments

  1. Dave Stewart
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    Sure thing….

    Reply

    //////////Reply by tao
    //////////Posted

    @Dave Stewart,
    just usin ur comment 2 get 2 tha top

    mesage: tao lin should get a job

    Reply

  2. alanis morissette
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    AM HERE

    Reply

  3. TheDude
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:22 pm | Permalink

    aznnnnnns

    Reply

    //////////Reply by d00dz
    //////////Posted

    @TheDude, HeRrO needs more azns

    Reply

  4. Dave Stewart
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:24 pm | Permalink

    Actually i’m not sure of what i’m suppose to be sure about anymore…

    Reply

  5. sarah
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:29 pm | Permalink

    tl; dr… i will buy yr book tho, bb

    Reply

  6. Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:31 pm | Permalink

    tried to read but was made horny by american apparel ‘bodysuits’ ad. is that irony?

    Reply

  7. mrjeffers
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:37 pm | Permalink

    batteries are worth stealing

    Reply

  8. Brian
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:42 pm | Permalink

    I shoplifted from American Apparel, around $1000 in merchandise in a span of 3 weeks. Should I feel guilty? Does American Apparel care I took $1k from them?(via my big h&m bag)
    Will this book tell me?

    Reply

  9. sex
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:51 pm | Permalink

    shoplifted ’shoplifting from american apparel’ from bluestockings tonight in order to be semi-meta

    Reply

    //////////Reply by SilveroTellerson
    //////////Posted

    @sex, haha i was walking to the Calvin Harris show on Thursday night with an English major and a great books major. When the English major told me that Am Appy will be selling SFAA in their stores, I sighed. I explained that I wanted to get SFAA for this beautiful girl who had a shop lifting complex and who I once pined for. I remember the first time she told me. She was like “See these earings?”
    I was like “Yeah”
    “I stole them from American Apparel. It was so easy.”
    I’m sad that if I buy SFAA for Allison, it won’t be very clever. I wanted to buy it in like April. it would have been clever in April. The English major told me to shoplift it from Am Appy. We both sighed because we realized this would also become cliche.

    wayyy 2 shoplift it b4 me.

    I feel like my chest is going to explode

    Reply

  10. hey yall
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:52 pm | Permalink

    RIP Patrick

    “If you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It’s not tragic to die doing what you love. “

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Kenny G
    //////////Posted

    @hey yall,

    RIP

    Reply

  11. vdieselfor20
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:54 pm | Permalink

    2ldnr

    Reply

    //////////Reply by vdieselfor20
    //////////Posted

    @vdieselfor20, NM I JUST REDIT

    Reply

  12. medieval
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 10:56 pm | Permalink

    “COOL POEMS DUDE LIKE THE ONE ABOUT ABOUT CHECKING THE MAILBOX A LOT#”
    – The New York Review of Books

    Reply

  13. Posted September 14, 2009 at 11:10 pm | Permalink

    mad props dudes

    Reply

  14. KANYE WEST
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 11:19 pm | Permalink

    Yo Carles, I’m really happy for you, Ima let u finish. But wavves had one of the best albums of all time!

    Reply

    //////////Reply by hikikomori.
    //////////Posted

    @KANYE WEST, LOL

    Reply

    //////////Reply by KANYE WEST
    //////////Posted

    @hikikomori., WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!??!?! CAN’T YOU HERE MY ANGER!? I’M USING CAPS!!! I SHOULD HAVE ONE BEST FEMALE VIDEO!!!

    Reply

    //////////Reply by vdieselfor20
    //////////Posted

    @KANYE WEST, ughgghhh kanye ur such a meme

    //////////Reply by @--,-'-----
    //////////Posted

    WAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS

    Reply

  15. kayne
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 11:27 pm | Permalink

    the book is hot bro. it makes me feel like its okay to do nothing (via sitting around book reading)

    Reply

  16. sean john lennon
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 11:30 pm | Permalink

    i made it about two sentences into that before the scrotum imploded

    Reply

  17. Posted September 14, 2009 at 11:31 pm | Permalink

    I pre-ordered this book 2 days ago.
    it ships tomorrow. i hope it gets here soon.

    i have a question for Tao Lin:
    what are your thoughts on people shoplifting your books? is it ok or not ok?

    Reply

  18. Posted September 14, 2009 at 11:48 pm | Permalink

    tl;dr

    Reply

  19. Charles
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 11:51 pm | Permalink

    And its eligible for free shipping? HOLY SHIT!

    Reply

    //////////Reply by aw, fukk
    //////////Posted

    @Charles, HOLY GHOST!

    http://www.myspace.com/holyghostnyc

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Charles
    //////////Posted

    @aw, fukk, you strike a hard bargain, but you won me at those first beats.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by skybread
    //////////Posted

    @Charles,

    gimme weenie
    gimme chalice

  20. GEORGE ZIMMER
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 11:52 pm | Permalink

    this sucks.

    Reply

  21. Poetwarrior41
    Posted September 14, 2009 at 11:55 pm | Permalink

    KILL ME AT BURNING MAN

    Reply

  22. Semblance
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 12:10 am | Permalink

    Seems ‘pretty chill,’ think I might order it.

    Reply

  23. nyah?!
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 1:29 am | Permalink

    c’i be in yer book broooooooo

    Reply

  24. carles junior
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 1:45 am | Permalink

    tao lin is the next george orwell/nicholas sparks

    Reply

  25. DK
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 3:25 am | Permalink

    Hope they start selling this at URBN so I can steal it

    No sensors on that shitsz

    Reply

  26. Hung Fa Lo
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 3:27 am | Permalink

    Couldn’t get past the first paragraph.

    Felt like I was reading Raymond Carver’s tween son.

    Then I clicked onto the “comments section.” Then I started typing this comment on my 2K7 MacBook. Then I entered my fake ID and fake email addy, written in Helvetica fonts. Then I thought about entering a link for the “1 Man, 1 Cup” video into the Website window, but couldn’t be bothered Googling the URL.

    Then I touched myself as I clicked “Post Comment” and had a single thought:

    Damn.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Hemingway
    //////////Posted

    @Hung Fa Lo,

    Jake stared into his computer screen, wondering if he would bother reading what would surely be a horrible post. He did. Then he clicked on the comments link. He scrolled down. “God, why am I doing this?” he thought. On his MacbookPro, he typed a comment. He got up and did thirty-nine pushups. He ate some old cereal with whole milk and wheat toast. “We are fucked” he thought as he clicked on “post comment.”

    Reply

    //////////Reply by @--,-'-----
    //////////Posted

    does this mean jake’s back!??

    Reply

    //////////Reply by vdieselfor20
    //////////Posted

    @Hung Fa Lo, MY LIFE SUX! UR LIFE SUX! SHEILA FCK! GOT ON GMAIL AND MASTURBATED!

    Reply

    //////////Reply by fullscale008
    //////////Posted

    @Hung Fa Lo,

    Drank a Beer. Dropped it on Macbook. Took a shot. Called Carver. Says he’s grinding on Schwazye in the afterlife.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Demi Moore
    //////////Posted

    @fullscale008, <3 u!

    Reply

  27. zxcvb
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 4:03 am | Permalink

    Oh man, I loooove ghey lit. Will definitely check this out.

    Reply

  28. cumputer
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 4:21 am | Permalink

    lame

    Reply

  29. vdieselfor20
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 5:09 am | Permalink

    HERES THE THING ABOUT CHRIST! YA CANT REALLY SEE HIM!

    Reply

    //////////Reply by aw, fukk
    //////////Posted

    @vdieselfor20,

    ‘jesus christ lamb of god’

    Reply

  30. Tomatito
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 5:40 am | Permalink

    Man, I can’t tell if this is a real excerpt or not. It’s not glaringly bad but it has some pretty amateur moments. I guess if we were going to be punked you’d probably insult us more directly. Will have to look at the book in the store to see if it’s worth picking up I guess.

    Reply

  31. kevbro
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 5:51 am | Permalink

    very Funnie post yall.
    sum ppl will buy it and the comedy will b perfect.

    Reply

  32. monster
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 7:46 am | Permalink

    Worst thing I have ever read

    Reply

  33. Posted September 15, 2009 at 8:11 am | Permalink

    one day we’re gonna eat a taco
    a taco
    uno taco

    we’re gonna eat that shit

    Reply

  34. Carter
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 9:26 am | Permalink

    Carles = Tao Lin. So fucking obvious.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by tragedy in toyland
    //////////Posted

    @Carter, don’t think so. i’ve met tao lin a couple times and he is an awkward bro. also think about how actually profound some of carles’ posts are while trying to appear naive – tao lin’s prose is the exact opposite. it is largely devoid of content and basically depicts our generation without depicting anything at all. def not the same br0!

    Reply

    //////////Reply by unouomedude
    //////////Posted

    @tragedy in toyland, u use big words. must have went to an ivy league school.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by tragedy in toyland
    //////////Posted

    @unouomedude, not ivy league, but definitely the most culturally relevant institution of higher education in the known universe [via blair waldorf's attendance]

    //////////Reply by skybread
    //////////Posted

    @unouomedude,

    nah brah, you learn to use ‘devoid’ and ‘depict’ in a 200 level English class or 100 level philosophy class at any college a tier above community

    //////////Reply by unouomedude
    //////////Posted

    @skybread, didn’t know that. i’m ‘taking a year off to backpack’ before college.

    //////////Reply by neednotapply
    //////////Posted

    @tragedy in toyland, “basically depicts our generation without depicting anything at all?”

    What generation are you a part of? down syndrome tweens?

    Just because it’s vapid doesn’t make it true, yall…or whateva’

    Reply

    //////////Reply by spokentroll
    //////////Posted

    @Carter, there are multiple people who write for hro. tao is one of them.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by The Truth
    //////////Posted

    @spokentroll,

    yep.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by hellzyeaphill
    //////////Posted

    @The Truth,
    Hellz yea

    //////////Reply by hmmm
    //////////Posted

    @spokentroll i am resenting them even though they keep me semi-relevant. i mean, they can all basically burn in hell. i’d like to claim solidarity with burning t shirt bro. him and bebe zeva (she’s clearly just a kid yall). there’s probably at least several other people who are sympathizers…empty theory perhaps, unimportant certainly.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by postulate
    //////////Posted

    also, i wonder if everyone else in that NYU writing class turned out as cynical. whatever.

  35. xoxo
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 10:02 am | Permalink

    so copy and pasting IM chats is the future of American literature? if you need me i’ll be in the bathroom. killing myself.

    Reply

  36. Posted September 15, 2009 at 10:04 am | Permalink

    this shit sucks you fag

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Matthew Arnold
    //////////Posted

    @thomas pynchon, word.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Mid 30s MFA Student
    //////////Posted

    @thomas pynchon, my teecher lkes u but i tryed to reed yr b00k & klled my whole family. Now, I’m sad :(**** + in jail.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by grvtysrnbw
    //////////Posted

    @thomas pynchon, tldr

    Reply

  37. Posted September 15, 2009 at 10:05 am | Permalink

    review my book on amazon

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Matthew Arnold
    //////////Posted

    @tao, your whorishness is in fact your only true work of Art.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by aw, fukk
    //////////Posted

    @tao, i think u are a chill ass bro

    and your lit is in fact true art

    this should counter matthew arnolds criticism, i feel

    so you can keep feel neutral and disaffected and writing neutral and disaffected lit

    thx bro

    Reply

    //////////Reply by John Ruskin
    //////////Posted

    @aw, fukk, assertions and cliches don’t counter shit, bitch.

    Reply

  38. Posted September 15, 2009 at 10:28 am | Permalink

    lol yr friendship is cute

    Reply

  39. Posted September 15, 2009 at 10:48 am | Permalink

    This book appeals to me, or at least it tries to.

    Reply

  40. @--,-'-----
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 11:00 am | Permalink

    i don’t know if can handle another story about the hipster grifter (was that first pic taken in jail, she’s lookin rough)

    Reply

  41. oat
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 11:15 am | Permalink

    Is Ellen Kennedy (Sheila) out of the mental hospital yet?

    Reply

  42. some fag
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 11:19 am | Permalink

    I’d like to read a new book by Luis.

    Reply

  43. @--,-'-----
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 11:24 am | Permalink

    “he opened the Microsoft Word file of his poetry.”

    Rich kids on prescription meds with self-aggrandizing bouts of existential drama… I think this has been done before: see Garden State, see Salinger, see Sartre…

    If you’re gonna copy something, the idea is to improve upon it, not just throw in a macbook or reference to ebay.

    I print your stories off on company paper, bind them and leave them in the bathroom. i’m afraid that’s the best you’re gonna get from me until you dig a little deeper in your Microsoft Word files.

    Reply

  44. spokentroll
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 11:49 am | Permalink

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xd5bOaJTLc

    same + more

    Reply

  45. 21st century bro
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 12:39 pm | Permalink

    an awkward bro’s awkward sh*t. we need something better. why does this book exist?

    Reply

  46. koalajr
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 2:03 pm | Permalink

    might dl it

    Reply

  47. z
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 2:07 pm | Permalink

    hello this is fucking terrible

    Reply

  48. Stu González
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 3:03 pm | Permalink

    This is what kids are writing these days? Fuck me. It’s like a labotomized Dawson’s Creek set to type. Maybe Lin will take that as a compliment.

    Hey Tao, do you feel as vast as I do? Obviously I say that because I am a fat fuck, but you… I mean, existentially.

    Reply

  49. lisa
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 3:29 pm | Permalink

    … seriously? this got published? ]: minus two points for humanity

    Reply

  50. DK
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 4:20 pm | Permalink

    I don’t get how people on this blog of all blogs don’t get the sardonic nature of Tao’s writing.

    …or maybe you people take HRO seriously.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by 21st century bro
    //////////Posted

    @DK, all people are saying is that it’s time for something else. why immerse ourselves in these characters’ lame situations? it could make us just as lame in the end.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by dick nuggets
    //////////Posted

    @DK, i ‘get’ it but it is still ’shit’ because the dialog is ‘trying too hard’ to be ‘ironic’ and it ’sucks’ because it is ‘poorly written’ in an ‘unintentional way’ which is ‘pathetic’ on a whole ‘other level’

    Reply

    //////////Reply by AstroCandy
    //////////Posted

    @dick nuggets, exactly. being ‘alt’ is ‘getting kinda ghey’.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by bacne
    //////////Posted

    @dick nuggets, you’re doing the apostrophe thing too much. seems wierd because that would never happen unless you just copy the way crls writes, and you’re preaching trying to hard

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Mid 30s MFA Student
    //////////Posted

    @DK, b/c its $hitty, b-anal and s(tu)ped. Als0 its ghey p0p a l0t like Franky Goes to teh Hollywoods but b00ks.

    Reply

  51. Posted September 15, 2009 at 4:25 pm | Permalink

    going to print this out and show it to a girl that i ‘ like’

    she will think, i am an ‘asshole’
    i feel ‘ all alone’

    this morning before class i tried to cry and all i made was a ”noise” too

    sometimes life feels too ‘ depressing’ and i just want to go to sleep and forget about the feeling of panic that i ‘feel’ all the time

    and

    Reply

  52. .
    Posted September 15, 2009 at 8:00 pm | Permalink

    someone on another website said that
    carles and tao are a “glorified lack of authenticity”

    Reply

    //////////Reply by neednotapply
    //////////Posted

    @., carles points out the lack of authenticity; and never makes a claim to being ‘auth’ or whateva.

    even so, what’s so great about being authentic? What does that even mean?

    might be something silly that sprite/kfc/dominos made up to reinforce brand image or something.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by SilveroTellerson
    //////////Posted

    @neednotapply, hehe

    Reply

  53. SilveroTellerson
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 2:03 am | Permalink

    paintings don’t matter n e moar bc the only ppl that talk about them are painters. modern literature doesn’t matter n e moar bc the only ppl that talk about it are writers. newer mediums eclipsed them long ago.

    tao lin’s work matters more than 99% of today’s printed words because a bunch of non-writers are talking about it. (full-disclosure I’m a psychology student)

    i will value tao lin for the art he made of “whoring himself” aka self-promotion. if we are to measure influence, the most influential artists today have succeeded in making money and getting people’s attention. tao lin has made a spectacle of both.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Mid 30s MFA Student
    //////////Posted

    @SilveroTellerson, “tao lin’s work matters more than 99% of today’s printed words because a bunch of non-writers are talking about it.”

    This is a real s(tu)ped statement bc nthng mttrs at all. If the m0st p0pular thing = the m0st imp0rtant, then Steven King is the b3st writr in the w0rld, d00d. I’d rather writrs like me then fggts, n0 0ffense if u r gay, bc writrs no wht they’re tlking about having RED a l0t m0r3 than fggts (n0 0ffense)

    Als0, the word “it” mttrs a l0t. And the words “a” and “the” and “but” and they r printed all the time.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Mid 30s MFA Student
    //////////Posted

    @SilveroTellerson, als0, influence is a $hitty way to mezure value. Try 0r1g1nalty, fund0mentalz and phil0s0phic1l success.

    Reply

  54. ian scott
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 2:44 am | Permalink

    i was actually very impressed by this, and then read several reviews and interviews with the author, leading me to buy all of the books available on amazon. i hope i am not disappoint

    Reply

    //////////Reply by tao
    //////////Posted

    @ian scott, sweet

    Reply

  55. Posted September 16, 2009 at 3:39 am | Permalink

    yo w’hat” “what” do you all “think” about the style of writing where “you’re” all like “this” whre it’s like a “thing” to “do” and stuff

    Reply

    //////////Reply by tao
    //////////Posted

    @smart intellect, damn

    Reply

  56. Mid 30s MFA Student
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 5:20 am | Permalink

    Hey TL, why dont you ever do scenze in your boox? They always just skip around and I cant see anything. That sux. 2 much dialog 2. Where r the images in yr head d00d? U know, “Can u film it?” 4 this, u cant, d00d. Srry.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by tao
    //////////Posted

    @Mid 30s MFA Student, damn

    Reply

  57. dnk
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 9:45 am | Permalink

    notvery good unfortunately. when you read that in a month or two you’ll be sick with yourself. i wrote that same dialogue a year ago and within a month or two i deleted it.

    your not the writer i hoped you were

    Reply

    //////////Reply by tao
    //////////Posted

    @dnk, damn

    Reply

  58. greg
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 5:30 pm | Permalink

    don’t really ‘get’ if this ironically ’super shitty’ or just ’super shitty’.
    h8 this/i think it’s just ’super shitty’/would like some advice on how to memeify myself into a publishable author.

    Reply

  59. bearfish
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 6:58 pm | Permalink

    lolz <3 TL

    azn qt!! :-)

    s00 kool

    Reply

    //////////Reply by oat
    //////////Posted

    @bearfish, u r so stoopid

    Reply

  60. bradlee
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 8:09 pm | Permalink

    ‘He lay on his bed and stared at his computer screen.’ ???
    get urself an editor mate

    Reply

    //////////Reply by Strunk & White
    //////////Posted

    @bradlee, exactly.

    Get thee to an ESL class, Sir!

    Reply

    //////////Reply by oat
    //////////Posted

    @bradlee, Tao is a terrible writer but this is grammatically correct. LAY is the past tense of LIE (as in lie down, not lie like Tao Lin does compulsively when he pretends he’s sold stuff he hasn’t). I guess an illiterate like you would have made the mistake of writing LAID (past tense of LAY, to set down).

    Tao may be a terrible writer but he’s good at grammar.

    Reply

  61. deidre
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

    So relevant so moving. I’m crying atm. Tao Lin = F Scott Fitzgerald of 2K9.8

    Reply

  62. d00dz
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

    At night, Tao goz to sleep drming about pussy. In the morning, he can’t xscape it, it’s there in his face.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by tao
    //////////Posted

    @d00dz, damn

    Reply

  63. deidre
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 9:22 pm | Permalink

    Will this be available via Kindle? I want 1 evn tho I read two books a year.

    Reply

  64. Moses
    Posted September 16, 2009 at 9:49 pm | Permalink

    “I recently escorted my teenage daughter to an independent rock concert.” def the worst post Ive seen, clearly a different writer. Not really funny at all. Please dont let that bro post again

    Reply

    //////////Reply by dee
    //////////Posted

    @Moses, whatevs i thought that was nice and concise unlike the exegesis of kanye

    Reply

  65. lam
    Posted September 17, 2009 at 8:55 pm | Permalink

    I’d rather read Twilight.

    Reply

    //////////Reply by tao
    //////////Posted

    @lam, damn

    Reply

  66. baglady
    Posted October 28, 2009 at 8:32 pm | Permalink

    your excerpt made me laugh and the guy next to me just smelled his armpits, waiting for his imac to restart
    at bobst mac computer lab
    then I read one of your interviews

    Reply

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