Sometimes things inspire me. I recently saw this crocheted replica penis suspended from a yarn thread belt harness, and I thought ‘Wonder what my life would be like if I had one of those.’ It’s always a good sign when u wonder if something could make ur life better, kinda like when I got insanely jealous when my college roommate got an iPhone and a Macbook and I was stuck with a Razr and a Dell Desktop. I feel like a knitted penis might make my life better/easier. I might actually ‘learn how to crochet’ just to make this craft. I know that crotcheting is often something that entry level alts learn to express themselves/make lame hats+scarves, but it seems like a yarn cock might be sweet to create.
It’s chill to have a ‘real penis’, since u can do stuff with it like urinate or ‘tug off’, but sometimes I feel like there would be less pressure on men if they had some sort of yarn-based art+craft generated penis. Think about how ur penis can get you into trouble:
- Implanting a baby in a girl
- getting an STD
- ‘making poor decisions cuz ur thinking with ur peen’
- making love to the wrong person
- miscellaneous accident
- peeing ur pants
- make u look like a ‘perv’ when u ‘get hard’ in ur skinny jeans
I think life might be better if we could have some sort of ‘replica peens’/sexual organs. Most men just see penis size as a social status symbol, so there has to be a way to create augmented realities 4 every1. I feel like there would actually be a ‘huge market’ for this and not even just for aesthetic purposes. I understand that a lot of parents don’t want their kids to receive free condoms ever, but a ‘craft cock’ might be the solution to everything. If we could some how transition ‘penis envy’ into a fun accessory that men can customize, things would be better for teen boys who were ’still growing up’ and men who were ‘dissatisfied’ with the size of their cumshooter. There would also be less ‘teen pregnancy’ and less abortions, if yall think those are bad things.
Choose.Your.Own.Penis.
It would be sweet to be able to customize your craft penis. If I wanted a ‘12 inch erect African American cock’, then I could buy some purple yarn and start crafting my new tweeter. If I wanted an 8 inch needle-dick, I could possibly just use some ‘pasta’ to create the ideal penis. If I wanted a post-ironic millimeter peter, then I could create an art+craft on the microscopic level and people would appreciate my artistic skills and attention to detail. Here is a ‘missle head’ cock that I recently constructed.
What would ur art+craft peen look like?
Questions for females: What does ur ideal peen look like? Would you ever make a penis for your loved one?
Really think this post would be cool if we could have ‘an actual discussion’ about sexual organs instead of just giggling about this type of stuff. It makes me sad that tweens will live their entire lives’ exposed to hi-speed video porn, thinking that life is just one huge ‘fuckfest.’ Feel bad for women in 2day’s society since a lot of men just see them as ‘fuck dolls’ without realizing it. Sad that men just think with their peters and hurt women and hurt themselves. Wish ppl would realize the consequences and dangers of sex, and chill in monogamous relationships.
Should I learn how to crochet, or should I just keep shopping at Am Appy?
This is a post encouraging alternative men to check their testicles for lumps.
* do the self-examination lying in a warm bath or while having a long shower, as this softens the skin of the scrotum (skin sac that holds the testicles), which makes it easier to feel the testicles inside.
* examine the scrotum, looking for any lumps on the skin or swellings inside.
* cradle the whole scrotum and testicles in the palm of your hand and feel the difference between the testicles. One is almost always larger and lying lower. This is completely normal.
* examine each testicle in turn, and then compare them with each other. Use both hands and gently roll each testicle between thumb and forefinger.
* Check for any lumps or swellings as both testicles should be smooth except where the duct that carries sperm to the penis, the epididymis, runs. This lies along the top and back of the testicle and normally feels bumpy.
I sincerely want my readers 2 be healthy. ‘Health’ (not the band) will become a very relevant topic on this blog as I move forward. I want 2 live 4evr.
Screen urself.
Sorta wish I had a yarn peepee bc yarn doesn’t get the cancer. :-(
Don’t wanna die.
Want my female readers to be safe, too.
Also important that the aging music critic bros ‘get their prostates examined.’
Much like ‘unEarthing a buzzband’, early detection is critical.
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IAmCarles.com
34 Comments
Finally First
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//////////Reply by colobro
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 11:53 am
@remixes are better,
i was almost first
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//////////Reply by passion armpit hair
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
@colobro, U tell ‘EM, C0L0BR0!!! ALL MY BROS FROM THE MIDWESTTTT GATHER STAKES, C0me to BR00kLYN!!! ALT IS DEAD IN COLORADO!!!
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//////////Reply by aw, fukk
//////////Posted October 3rd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
@passion armpit hair,
hey bro
im just a bro in nebraska
should i move 2 br00klyn as well?
will i be accepted as a member of the new society of midwest bros in nyc?
will we ‘hold down the midwest’ in an artistically relevant setting?
thanks for your time, i look forward 2 hearing from u soon!
<3<3aw,fukk<3<3
//////////Reply by Alex
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 8:23 pm
@colobro, I too am a colobro, technically a wiscobro but I decided to ‘go out west’ for skool.
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//////////Reply by Roger
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 8:29 pm
@colombo,
nice try
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sounds importantt y’all. dont wanna end up like lance armstrongband/tom green
probs gunna go sit in the bath and fondle my balls thinking about that “singleladies” girl
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thnx crls. gonna check my testies in the tub when i get home. if i could have any kind of peepee i want, i would have an iranian short range ballistic missile.
luv yuh
xoxo
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//////////Reply by passion armpit hair
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
@srbglfklb, ur name is incomprehensible. how do u
‘bro’nounce it?
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//////////Reply by srbglfklb
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
@passion armpit hair,
it is supposed to say ‘black flag bars’ except it is backwards and i excluded vowels and the letter C so that it would be a way more ‘cool’ and difficult to understand.
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//////////Reply by bro
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 pm
@srbglfklb,
damn.
reading that made me really sad all of a sudden.
//////////Reply by Damaged
//////////Posted October 5th, 2009 at 12:11 am
@srbglfklb, you’re the coolest.
almost first
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i love you so much right now, carles.
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i like the yarn peen
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//////////Reply by Herpesterrunnoff
//////////Posted October 4th, 2009 at 1:14 am
@passion armpit hair,
Problem is when I beej a yarn peen, fuzzies get in my throat.
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The testicular examination video made me want to get my prostate examined. Might download it for later.
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//////////Reply by aw, fukk
//////////Posted October 3rd, 2009 at 5:15 pm
@jjj,
bro
do u want 2 check eachother for prostate cancer?
like, i just want u 2 be healthy/non-cancerous
and i kno u want the same for me
we can drink shittie canadian blend whiskey first, so we are more comfortable
it isnt gay, or fggty, or homo, or ‘fucked up’, or anything
just 2 bros keeping the other healthy
do u like jack johnson?
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//////////Reply by jjj
//////////Posted October 4th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
@ aw fukk yeah.
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hahah, no one cares about carles and his weak ass postings/followers. RIO FOR THE OLYMPICS =WIN/LOSE?
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This was a revealing post.
I’m also pumped about Rio winning the bid.
(not rlly, just want to seem ‘authentic’)
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dude
uncircumcised cocks are WAAAY more authentic
H.O.O.P.!!!!!
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//////////Reply by DAT ASS
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
@HOBBes, enjoy ur smegma
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//////////Reply by Elle
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
@HOBBes, bahaha HOOP. “hands off our penis”
j’agree. cut penii look bizarre :/
@DAT ASS
It’s called a SHOWER.
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//////////Reply by a_nonnie_muss
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
@HOBBes: HOOP. One of the best charitable causes ever.
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//////////Reply by mike
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
@a_nonnie_muss,
Is arrested development alt?
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//////////Reply by a_nonnie_muss
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 6:12 pm
@mike, maybe entry-level alt. It’s ‘edgy’ and ‘a little artsy’.
//////////Reply by XavierDeRosnay
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
@mike,
television is not alt
//////////Reply by bbbbb
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 7:07 pm
@mike, not liking tv is cliche
//////////Reply by HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK
//////////Posted October 3rd, 2009 at 10:39 am
@bbbbb,
Yeah. Not liking tv is for Gen X. Besides tv. is dying, so it
can’t be so bad for us. Maybe activists should hit the
streets and protest smart phones and the internet!
And Clean Penises Are much better and contemporary
!
thanks sincerely for shedding some alt-light on the subject, testicular cancer has never felt more relevant
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Seems like a viable outlet for the crocheted penis:
http://imgur.com/AS8Gq.jpg
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Great advice, will check scrotum monthly, kinda afraid this is the first of many government-sanctioned PSPs (public-service posts).
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//////////Reply by HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK
//////////Posted October 3rd, 2009 at 10:40 am
@Chase, Play Station Portable?
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mother of god.
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peen is as peen does
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Yo
cancer is so mnstrm for the old ppl Alzheimer’s and other dementia r still auth
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brilliant
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thinking of complimenting my altgina with a crocheted peen. i could wear it outside my pants in place of a fanny pack.
maybe i could make the ‘ball sac’ a little pouch to carry things in, like the keys to my shittie williamsburg appt. or even a can of pbr.
thnx for inspiring a new career path for me, crls, one filled with self-expression [via peeny packs]
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thanks carles. this was an important message for all altbros out there, even the alt-est balls can fall to the most mnstrm of disease.
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listening to Duran Duran – Rio
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I kinda think Carles is From Victoria BC and went to school at CalArts or some dumm shit
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//////////Reply by GAMMAZORD
//////////Posted October 2nd, 2009 at 9:16 pm
@HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK,
wtf does CalArts have to do with victoria bc?
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//////////Reply by HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK
//////////Posted October 3rd, 2009 at 10:42 am
@GAMMAZORD, He’s from Victoria, and moved down to cali do go to university. Why do you think in his earlier posts and maybe even some now he spells Favourite or colour with a U? and how does he know about SoCal MexiAlts? There’s no way he is from Vancouver, he’s def. from somewhere gay.
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//////////Reply by aw, fukk
//////////Posted October 3rd, 2009 at 5:16 pm
@HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK,
sometimes i spell favorite as ‘favourite’
but thats cause of the smash single ‘Favourite Book’ by the magagroup ‘Stars’
//////////Reply by GAMMAZORD
//////////Posted October 3rd, 2009 at 6:09 pm
@HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK, do u have proof that he used to live in victoria? also, any of u bros know what emily carr is like?
//////////Reply by dee
//////////Posted October 4th, 2009 at 8:56 am
@HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK, if he’s canadian then I think I’m gonna kill myself
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//////////Reply by HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK
//////////Posted October 4th, 2009 at 11:27 am
@dee, I bet anything he/she is!
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early detection of cancer
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The image at the top of the crocheted penis is part of my project, “Boobs & Dinks: Early Detection Kits” The point of the project IS to help people learn self-exam. The dinks (and there is a boob version too) have lups sewn inside which you find by following instructions in the little illustrated guide that comes with them. More info here: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=31919138
And even more info here:
http://shannongerard.org/art.htm
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DETACHABLE PENIS!
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http://www.godandscience.org/doctrine/sex_with_robots.html
robot SEX for LIFE!
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Can’t believe Carles hasn’t posted about the new supergroup “The Thom Yorkes” yet….
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This just In.. the “In Crowd” =
HOMOSAPIEN_FUCK
BEBE
TAO
anon
vindiesel_420
aw, fukk
Tyler Durden
Then end
maybe colobro
chris lien
andy
brobro
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//////////Reply by Rusko
//////////Posted October 4th, 2009 at 4:46 am
@Loosescrew, what are u talking about
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lets kill all illegal immigrants
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//////////Reply by aw, fukk
//////////Posted October 4th, 2009 at 4:43 am
hey guys,
when you read this, did it shock you?
did you find yourself nodding slightly in agreement?
did you say ‘jesus’?
tell me what you thought of my comment, i want to know how it made you feel!
if you were an illegal immigrant, how would you have felt?
leave your response as a reply to my comment!
thanks, i look forward to finding out how you feel about this important social issue!!
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just read this cmmnt on an SMD music vid on utube:
“i first started out with really corny anime music(lol) then went into rock,punk sooner rap, hip-hop, metal, nowadays i just mainly listen to indie-electro and the sorts, its always good to listen to everything, i incorporate that also into my life, probably why I’m so indecisive about my major, because i always want to do everything possible, LOL”
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//////////Reply by erection
//////////Posted October 4th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
@dee,
‘jesus christ’
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Where the Wild Things are still hasn’t come out yet?
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downloaded an mp4 of teh testicular cancer check and prostate check for my ipod
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Holy bros! Had no idea that THATS how prostates R examined! ‘Fearful’ 4 my appmnt 2morrow. Will drink a lot of Blue Ribbon b4 my appmnt.
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Bleeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrgh back reading site from hiatus. Its shit, Carles. Not funny, lame. Lost your edge. Go back to lampooning popular culture, it made me LOL. Yeah yeah, waiting for the shit shower of “fuck off don’t read it then” comments. Bullies.
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lol @ this.
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