HIPSTER RUNOFF

I have always been a huge fan of the human brand known as Tiger Woods. Before Tiger Woods, I didn't even know that golf was a sport worth watching, but then TigBro came along, and taught us what it meant to be a champion. We were compelled by this Dark Knight [via Heath] transcending the game. He established himself as a global/personal brand.

This post is brought 2 u by Buick.

Tiger Woods 'crushed' all of his white competitors on the PGA tour, much like most African Americans do in all other sports. Whether is is Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson, Usain Bolt, Pele, LeBron James, or Hammering Hank Aaron, it is important to note that athletes with African descent have a higher athletic ceiling. Even though I have done no genetic research, I feel like this is a fair assumption. (I feel like most white talking head sports writers will say that they 'got athletic training during the slave era', but I am not going to make that argument.) From what I understand, many of the white athletes who have historical relevancy (like Babe Ruth) were able to dominate all-white leagues, back before professional sports were de-segregated.

The truth is that White Men Can't Jump, at least not as high as Africans/African Americans. White consumers enjoy watching African Americans dominate white people on the playing field--probably some sort of manifestation of 'white guilt.'

Golf seems to be a sport for rich, white people. Older people who can't really expend energy doing cardiovascular exercise, so they opt for a game where you can drive around in a car, drink alcoholic beverages, and spend all day with your bros. Sorta like a 'rich man's bowling.' I am not sure how long a game of golf even lasts, so it seems like a good excuse you could use to leave your wife's presence for 8-14 hours. I feel proud of Tiger for being able endear himself to this demographic of men. These men are the most lucrative consumer demographic, with way more money to blow than 'Gen Y' and 'tweens.' Even though those groups are good at 'adopting trends', they are usually limited by their parent's mediocre income. GolfPlayingBros drop mad bank on goods+services.

I think sports that require tons of 'gear' tend to deter African Americans from playing them. The barriers to entry are too high for innercity kids who will use their natural athletic gifts & status frustration to launch them into multimillion dollar pro sports careers. For example, in sports like golf and baseball, you have clubs, helmets, bats, specific shoes, and a specialized facility that. Sports like basketball and soccer are better for poor people, since you just need a ball, and facilities are more flexible.

This post is brought 2 u by Gillette: The best a man can get.

This is why we love Tiger Woods. He is an African-American+miscellaneous other races, without all of the baggage of traditional coloured athletes. He didn't come from 'the streets', he is more of a suburbia bro whose dad glued a golf club to his hand when he was 3 years old. All grown men wish they had dads who did more to train them to become a professional athlete--the most fulfilling profession for a man, since you excel financially, physically, and you reap the rewards of fame. Tiger Woods is a truly great bro, excelling at a level that normal societal spectators can only watch. All we can do is purchase products that were endorsed by great people to feel close them [via Lance Armstrong LIVESTRONG bracelet theory].

This post is brought 2 u by Nike's 'I Am Tiger Woods' campaign, promoting Tiger Woods+Golf 2 kids

But I feel kinda bad now that he cheated on his wife with tons of whores. I feel like this white world that he conquered has turned his back on him. No longer is he a white person with black skin who white people are comfortable letting into their metaphorical club house. He is now 'just another black person', doing 'stuff that black ppl do.' From what I understand, most professional athletes frequent strip clubs and cheat on their wives'. Some even fight dogs and murder people. Seems like we are jealous of Tiger's 'bad ass life.'

This post is brought 2 u by EA Sports: It's in the Game.

I feel bad when society turns their back on a black athlete. It seems like we enable their dream worlds, and are generally comfortable ones where they can 'do whatever the fuck they want, as long as they promise to perform when it counts.' But maybe that's the downside of Tiger's evolution into a human brand. Instead of seeing him as 'just another black athlete', we see him as a representative of corporate america, some1 who we expect to 'have values' or something. Seems unreasonable, sorta like the idea of 'marriage.'

Tiger seems like a 'pimp bawla', some1 who wants 2 win at everything. Whether it is a game of golf, or a game of 'banging the hottest skanks on the planet, having the most insane fuckfests in the world fucked up on drugs and alcohol', we shouldn't hold that against Tiger. He is Tiger Woods. He is a champion. He is also dealing with 'entering his middle ages', so it seems reasonable that he should have 1 last series of 'sexual conquests' before he enters his twilight. It seems like men can focus on being 'good fathers' when they are between 45-Death.

If I were a skank, I would love the opportunity to 'get hammered' by Tiger Woods.

Like you could really 'get banged' by a true champion, instead of the same loser bro who thinks he is 'fucking rich/hot/special,' and that he is the one doing you a favor by giving u the opportunity to sleep with him.

Wonder if Tiger's Wife, Elin, misled him. Maybe she used to be 'down2fuck', but then ended up being this 'woman who just wanted to export children from her vagina.'

Even thought marriage is a 'lifelong vow', I feel like this vow doesn't always apply to people who experience levels of joy that are way better than 'finding solace in a relationship.' I feel like relationships are used to combat feelings of solitude, or like people who are 'afraid to die alone.' Tiger is not afraid of these feelings--he has conquered them. He lives life at a high level, choosing to do what he wants. He is not a 'lost soul' or a 'fallen star', Tiger Woods knew what he was doing, and the 'media controversy' was worth it to him. It seems like the most difficult part of this whole ordeal is probably telling his wife that she was never really that important to him, he just wanted to 'win' her. Not sure if I would care if a black man cheated on a black woman. Seems like it is 'wrong' for a black man to betray the honor of a white woman.

This post is brought 2 u by Accenture Consulting Services.

Tiger Woods may or may not be able to 'love' other people. Tiger Woods loves himself at a championship level, something most humans will never be able to do. We are too busy with insecurities, doubting ourselves, never reaching our full potential. We end up sitting on the couch, masturbating to pornography, while Tiger Woods is out there banging porn stars. Women with huge, fake tits, bouncing in his face like a champion. Pulling out, giving them a load of semen on their face that only a true champion could deliver.

This post is brought 2 u by Tag Heuer: Do yall know what time it is?

It is unfair for the white world to turn their back on Tiger. Tons of people cheat on their wives' every day with women who they don't love, but love to have sex with. I feel like they have used this incident to act like cheating is 'something that black people do because they are subhuman, closer to animals.' It is unfair for them to do this to Tiger after everything he has represented to them. I feel like men need to 'rally around' Tiger, letting him know that we support him as a bro, and just want him to be happy and do bad ass things, in and out of the bedroom/golf course.

What will be the most difficult issue 4 Tiger Woods' kids to deal with as they grow up?

a) being a 'mixed-race' kid
b) dealing with their father's 'man-skank' personal brand
c) they will have no problems, since they are rich.

I wonder if black people 'relate to' Tiger Woods. It seems like they would like to relate to him, since he is great, but he plays a game that they don't think is 'cool'/important 2 them. Wonder if the African American community would rally around him, or do they only rally around white-ish black people like Barry Obama, since he was going to be put into a position of 'mad crazy power.' Feel like if white people turn their back on Tiger, he will truly be left in a colourless purgatory.

This post is brought 2 u by Cadillac

I feel sad that Tiger 'took a break from the game.' I feel like he should have announced his 'retirement' to make the whole world value him more/understand how important he is. It would also make his wife feel guilty/special that he gave up his God-given gift 'for her', even though it was just a hiatus. She probably took for granted the fact that he 'made mad bank'--maybe he deserved to have a lil bit of fun [via 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas']. She wasn't prepared to be in a relationship with a winner. Kinda like how Michael Jordan can't enjoy life/simple pleasures since he was once 'the greatest in the world.'

Tiger Woods will come back, and he will be 'great.' We will 'forget' about his 'transgressions', just as long as he wins some tourneys, makes companies some bank, and then hugs his wife and cries. Then he can divorce her 6-18 months afterwards, and live the life he wants to live, banging as many 'freaky ass bitches' as possible. We want Tiger to live the life that he wants to live. He can produce great moments 4 us. He can be a solid brand ambassador for us.

Let's just let Tiger be Tiger. We could learn a lot from him.

Tiger Woods is a champion. Tiger Woods is a winner. Tiger Woods is black/AZN/pacific islander.

I am Tiger Woods. (Rlly wish I could be Tiger Woods).

'Get in the hole.'
-a bro

Previous Black Athlete Coverage
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2009/09/MICHAEL-VICK-KILLS-DOGS.html
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2009/09/LEBRON-JAMES.html