Bon Iver does infomercial for lower back pain to appeal to aging cool dads. | Hipster Runoff

Bon Iver does infomercial for lower back pain to appeal to aging cool dads.


As u may know, we are all dying, and our bodies are slowly deteriorating, joint by joint, bone by bone, and one day we will be unable to even wipe our own asses. There is something abt the process of dying that unites humanity, but more importantly, an entire generation who is coming to terms with 'getting old' and being unable to do things like they did when they were young, like playing basketball and having 'effing ridonk sex without ur peen going soft.' Cool dads are a very important indie market, and they are not immune from aging. Despite their love for boring indie rock played by white men, they are going thru tons of issues.

  • Male pattern hair loss
  • Hair in NEW places!
  • Diabetes
  • Sleep Apnea
  • Snoring
  • Miscellaneous pains
  • heart attacks
  • High Blood Pressure
  • High cholesterol
  • Erectile Dysfunction
  • Torn ACLs
  • Tennis elbow
  • STDs
  • getting ur tubes tied
  • and many more middle-aged-man issues.

That's why Bon Iver released this new video informercial for 'doing exercise.' Apparently, it helps to keep u alive longer and ur body healthy. He must be trying to become some sort of 'fitness expert', eventually becoming a judge on the Biggest Loser where u get to humiliate fat ppl. It's basically the opposite of having a 'feeder' fetish.

He found some 'in shape twink' at his local gym. Usually when I want to pick up a guy, I'll do a Zumba or Core-building class, then 'see what happens' in the showers/sauna.

Bon Iver's life is WAY BETTER bc of exercise. Even when he is on the road, he still exercises, and even makes his band do it. Basically, this seems like it is some sort of advertisement for 'Curves for Men' or something.

Props to Bon Iver for beating his sciatica, or whatever he said he has. I am afraid of turning into a cool dad, my metabolism slowing down, and having to dedicate my life 2 health and fitness so I don't become some 'fat lamestream dad eating 6 strips of bacon for breakfast.' Hopefully one day I can 'ball' with him, and take out his lower back in order to 'win the game', then every1 will be like 'it's just a pickup game, man. why r u taking it so seriously?' and I'll be all like 'I play the game to effing win, bitches. GAME OVER.'

R u afraid of being a middle aged man?
R u afraid of being an uncool dad?
R u afraid of geting older?
Could Bon Iver 'beat the shit out of Win Butler' at basketball, or would Win Butler 'cheap shot' his back?

Should the Milwaukee Bucks move 2 Chicago, putting a 2nd NBA Team in one of the biggest American Markets, similar to NYC and LA?
Has Justin Vernon 'gone too far' 2 try to appeal 2 cool dads?
Is 'getting older' a very vulnerable process?
Do u think u can stay young 4evr?

Bon Iver

Alternative Celebrity

Bon Iver is a bearded man from a Midwestern forest who sounds like Bruce Hornsby and once collab-ed with Kanye West.

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