BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James joins indie supergroup Animal Collective | Hipster Runoff

BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James joins indie supergroup Animal Collective

ALT REPORT EXCLUSIVE


LeBron James is an NBA basketball super star African American athlete who wants to have 'the greatest personal brand in the history of personal brands.' This brand will allow him to make tons of money, and be so famous that he basically gets everything for free. This summer, the American media has been dominated by talks of 'where' LeBron James will go, since he will bring tons of buzz + dollars to a local economy.

Many expected him to join NBA teams like the Miami Heat and the Chicago Bulls, looking to win NBA Championships. It seems like he 'threw the entire sports world' a massive curveball, deciding instead to retire from the game of basketball, and instead pursue a more organic form of buzz, fame, and social acceptance. Giving up the NBA and millions of dollars and mainstream fame for the difficult, sometimes 'insane' world of blog indie rock. Many mainstreamers and ESPN sports bros don't really understand 'why' he turned his back on them.

Said James, "I just really vibed mad hard to the chillwave movement, and realized there was something out there more important than the NBA. I want to be relevant in the buzz bloggiasphere. Tons of cool shit goin on there, even my main man Jay-Z is into all that white shit."

Joining Animal Collective might be one of the most important decisions in the history of the indiesphere. Animal Collective already has a 'championship team', usually scoring 9.0s and above from Pitchfork. The addition of LeBron James aids their cause, hoping to reach the illustrious 10.0, which is usually reserved for re-issues of classic albums by the Beatles and Pavement.

There was a wave of speculation as to which buzzband LeBron James would join. He was about to join Vampire Weekend, but since he didn't go to college, he didn't really fit in with their brand. Other reports claim that LeBron James was about to join the Kings of Leon, and they would have changed their name 2 'The Kings of LeBron.' Many record executives claimed that LeBron would replace Andrew VanWyngarden as the lead singer of management. Rumors out of left field had LeBron starting a chillwave supergroup with Toro Y Moi and Washed Out.

Here is a video of LeBron James 'stuffing' Kobe Bryant, which many analysts expect him to do to rival buzzbands.

LeBron James has a unique skillset, size, and youth which will be needed to reinvigorate Animal Collective as they climb into their upper 30s. Many blog insiders claim that AnCo's personal brands are getting too old, and adding a younger, African American member will help them appeal to a wider base of fans (the tweens and the blacks). It is AnCo's goal to become a weekly trending topic on twitter.

Many say that LeBron James 'cant even play an instrument', but sources close to Panda Bear say that they have a great plan for building the band's future around LeBron James. They will utilize his 'dunking ability' to replace video visualizations that usually appear behind the band on stage. Instead, LeBron will shoot hoops, and do sick dunks to keep the crowd on their feet.

AnCo's record label Domino is reported to have ordered 10 basketball hoops to place around the crowd during the live show, encouraging fans to 'get active', shoot some baskets, and possibly even see the band/LeBron interact with the crowd. In order to build the brand, Animal Collective will look to sponsor 3-on-3 tournaments before their shows to make more money off Gatorade/Vitamin Water/5-hour-energy concessions.

While there are many losers in the LeBron James signing (such as Cleveland, other buzzbands, the NBA, the sport of basketball), it is an undeniable win for the entire indiesphere. LeBron James + AnCo teaming up is estimated to add at least 1 billion pageviews per year for the indiesphere, enabling blogs to make more advertising revenue and expand into larger media conglomerates.

What do u think of the LeBron James signing?
Which buzzband did u think LeBron was going 2 join?
Was LeBron better suited to join another buzzband?
Will Animal Collective be a better band with LeBron?
Will LeBron and Panda Bear have solid chemistry?
Will a member of AnCo request to be traded to another band?
Is this a 'huge win' for the indiesphere or a a huge loss for the mainstream sportosphere?
R u expecting to see LeBron James doing 'sweet dunks' next time u see Animal Collective play?