As yall know, I am about to graduate high school, and I missed most of the design school application deadlines/I am ‘too suburban’ to even know what ‘design’ is yet, and that u can buy a Macbook and go 2 college in a meaningful city to learn abt it. I don’t wanna go to normal college, learning the same bullshit over and over… I have always been more of a creative spirit, making all A’s in my art + photography classes, and sometimes even creating meaningful lil projects in my own time. I have always had a strong interest in how I look, and I have always found a way to put together sweet Halloween costumes. Maybe I should go to Hair & Makeup College?

I really want to learn something that will help me help other people in ways that people don’t usually appreciate. I believe that if I can make a man or woman feel better about himself/herself through something as simple as a haircut or ‘makeover’, then maybe I did a lil bit of good in the world. I know that some of the best highs I have experienced in life happen when I look in the mirror, and I ‘look as interesting/relevant as a famous person.’ I might never be a real famous person, but I think I can put myself in a position to be around them, and have them ‘vent’ about their personal problems 2 me.

It’s kinda weird how an artist can have so many different sets of tools.  Just so many different types of art… I’d rather have this kind of artistic job instead of a desk job.  Those people are fucking trapped in their shitty lives’.

I feel like I really ‘understand’ how hair works, since I have been a bisexual emo tween since age 10, often using cutting-edge techniques to achieve some of the world’s most alt haircuts. I have use extensions, bleach, hydrogen peroxide, sun in, razor blades, miscellaneous clipper technology, and even human placenta.

(Sometimes u have to think outside the box to bring ur ideas 2 life.)

I have a 10 year plan. I understand that I will have to ‘pay my dues’ and probably work at a hair salon in the mall for a few years. I think I will save a lot of money, living in an apartment complex within walking distance of the mall, and saving money utilizing the mall employee discount to buy mall pizza, mall pretzels, mall Chinese food, and mall dippin dots/assorted gimmick frozen treats.

I just wanna get a lot of practice on normal people before I work with important + famous people/models. I wouldn’t feel bad ‘butchering the fuck’ out of some overweight wannabe-scene girl’s head.

(I understand that I will sometimes have to ‘make the customer happy’ and abandon my own design aesthetic.)

By year 3, I will try to get on some sort of reality show on Bravo. I honestly believe I can model myself after some of the best reality show characters of all time, in order to ‘make a splash’ on the scene.

I am also talented, too, but I understand that in order to ‘work with famous people’, they must ‘remember me’ as being some sort of free-spirited homosexual character from a notable reality tv show.

It’s just really important to create your own magnificent brand before you pitch your reality show to miscellaneous networks (Bravo, LOGO, Lifetime, MTV2, etc)

I really believe that 1 day I can change the world, and make tons of money. I believe in my design ideas, and that I can paint/chop beautiful shit on human women.

But maybe I am getting ahead of myself. I am just a tween with a dream.

I wonder if the world would be a better place if every1 looked like me.

I wonder if college is ‘bullshit’, and I could just learn how to do hair by watching tons of youtube tutorials on ‘how I do my scene hair & makeup.’

But my parents really want me to ‘go to college’, They say I will have to live at home and get a part time job, since classes are only 2x per week, but I think it will be worth it for my long term happiness. So maybe I should just go to a Hair + Makeup Academy, and meet people who are like me. People who have the same dream as me. Worried + anxious that they might be ‘better than me’, though. Seems like it could be ‘high school all over again’, if every day ppl just try their best to out-look u.

I can’t be scared. I have to follow my dreams.

I want to add a lil bit of colour 2 ur life.

Wish the whole world could look interesting.

I honestly believe 1 day men and women will merge into 1 human.

Want to bond with my classmates, and pull all-niters studying/practicing for our final exams (just like real college).

Maybe I could even save the Middle East by teaching them that their hair is a beautiful thing and they shouldn’t have to cover their shit up any more.  Feel like every1 deserves the right to ‘feel sexie.’

I want to change the world.
I want to go to a Hair + Makeup Academy.
I want a real education.

Do u know any1 that went to a hair/makeup college?
Does n e 1 know what ppl who go to these schools end up doing?
What is the current economic forecast for hair stylists + makeup artists?
Will I ‘make it’ in ‘the industry’ if I have a flamboyant personal brand?

Previous AltJob coverage
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/10/what-is-the-most-authentic-alt-job.html

I took out my cammy phone, took a pic, and uploaded it to the twitterpicture forums–this is what I do whenever I see something ‘kewl’ happen.

Eventually, I moved behind Jay-Z and Beyonce, and decided to take a video of them. It seemed like if I didn’t ‘take out my cell phone’ and get some pix/videos, then it would be impossible for my non-NYC based friends to believe that I had seen this famous couple.

It was great. I got to see Jay-Z and Beyonce dancing and singing all of the words. It made me feel like I was sort of ‘justified’ 2 like what I like. I might start listening to Jay-Z and Beyonce a little bit differently now–as if their music is influenced by the same music that influences my life.

Was pumped abt how Beyonce and her lil sis were s000 into it. I really like the same parts of the song that she ‘jammed’ to. My bros and I agree with her–those parts are the most ‘rocking’ and the most ‘meaningful.’

Eventually, I got home, and uploaded my video to youtube. I didn’t expect it to happen–but a lot of music bloggers and webzines covered my video. It seemed like it was worth it. It seemed like I had finally become a part of the scene, and contributed something. Maybe I would never write a hit album or contribute something transcendent to the scene, but today, I captured a lil bit of life that no1 else lived. I’m glad other people can enjoy it (that’s why i linked 2 my personal myspace on the video). Even though I wasn’t really able to ‘focus on the concert’ because I was waiting for the famous couple 2 turn around so I could get some better pictures, I still feel like my day was special. I feel good about my life. I honestly feel like I am personally responsible for constructing a bridge between the ‘indie scene’ and the ‘hip hop scene.’

Do u get more excited when u see a ‘real celebrity’ or an ‘alternative celebrity’?
Do u ‘feel bad’ for celebs when u see them ‘trying to be normal bros’ but then there are a bunch of ‘normal bros’ taking pix of them with their cellphones?
Are ‘celebrities’ the same as ‘normal ppl’?
Do u feel ’special’ when ur close to a celebrity, and get a ’shit eating grin’ on ur face?

Do u hope 1 day that you will be ‘relevant’ enough to become a human meme who gets ‘blog coverage’ when u attend an indie concert?
Do u think ‘real black people’ are capable of liking Grizzly Bear?

Just need 2 make sure I capture the most meaningful moments of my life, particularly those times where I see a ‘famous person.’ Just want ‘the rest of the internet’ 2 believe that I was actually in the presence of ‘fame.’

Wish u could see the world the way I see it [via youtube/twitpic/flickr/faycebook].

Was the kind of person who creepily ‘really wanted 2 hang out with u’
and actually followed through and called u 100 times
Think she would have benefited from ‘the dorm environment’
at a small Liberal Arts College
instead of sending aggressive sexts to bros all the time

Meme via A.L. Feri Photography

I actually knew her while I was living in Brooklyn
We met each other at McCarren Pool
I was wearing Old Navy board shorts
and she came up to me and told me
‘I want to pull ur penis out through ur short-hole
and give u a blow and a tug’

I was immediately turned on because that was back when my ‘Yellow Fever’
was at its absolute worst
I also saw that she had ‘a rowdy chest tattoo’ and I immediately got
erotic visions of ‘cumming on that shit’

AltCum target via Gawker

We went back to my place and we watched a popular French New Wave indie classic film
I was impressed by her career and her knowledge of everything relevant
Eventually she ‘had sex with me’ – 2fast & 2furiously
The bed was making the sound of the sample in the popular song “Paper Planes”
But it was the kind of thing where I ‘lost interest in having sex with her’
because it was the ’sad’ kind of dirty sex
where u feel like a girl is ‘down to do anything’
because she is ‘all sad on the inside’
and feels like the only way she knows how to ‘feel good about herself’
is when there is ’some bro’s cock inside of her’
I am a meaningful bro and ‘don’t want to be just another bro’

So my peen went limp
And I took her out for a meal
and reassured her that I ‘wanted a real, emotional relationship’ with her
and then she told me she was dying of cancer
and I felt bad because I had never experienced sex with some1 who was terminally ill
and thought ‘damn, maybe terminally ill ppl are really just DOWN2FUCK like krayzee’

She asked me for a blank check
and I gave it to her, but it didn’t matter because I have a trust fund
and she only took $2000 from me
Think that means she ‘loved’ me because she didn’t steal $5K+

Srsly hope she’s not sick, though
Would feel ‘pretty bad’
and might even consider marrying her
so that she can have my bad ass health insurance [via $15 co-pay]

I miss her
I think I could have changed her
and reconciled all of her debt
and turned her into the free-spirited mom with a meaningful life in the city
that she always wanted.
I would have gotten a matching chest tatty
and we would put the same chest tatty on each of our children
as soon as they exited the womb.

Not sure if this is an ‘authentic sad story’
or just some girl who wanted ‘to be internet famous’
or possibly ’some sort of hoax’ by an AZN graduate art student

If I were this AZN, I would ‘turn myself in’
and write a movie script about my meaningful life
and how I was ‘just a misunderstood alt from rural Utah/suburbia’
Demand to be played by Karen O/the Juno Girl/Margaret Cho/Sandra Oh/the AZN in Rushmore

She was already in a successful viral video. Think that means u can ‘make it’ in Hollywood/Bollywood [via Slumdog]. Sort of wish I worked for the Salt Lake City police so I could put my film degree to use by putting together this type of video media. Feel like I would really be helping the world.

I think every1 has ’socially puzzling’ people enter their lives’ at least once every 2 year. Like the kind who ’steals ur friends laptop’ or ‘mysteriously enters/leaves town one day.’ The kind of person who feels ‘really happy’ when they are ’social climbing’ and u don’t rlly ‘understand WHY’ they seem s0 sad/alone. Fortunately, these types of people are only around for 1-3 months. U just have to be sure not to a) have sex with them b) make them dependent on u for things like ‘fun’, ‘meeting new people’, ‘transportation services’, or ‘drugs.’ They sort of just ‘fade out of ur life’ when they realize that u ‘don’t find them interesting as a person’/they can’t ’steal/leech n e thing from u.’ U just have to be brave enough not to return their 5th text.

BE CAREFUL YALL. srsly. so many ppl out there with bad intentions. just hang out on the internet all day 2 keep urself safe. do no give out ur credit card info unless u r buying a kewl t-shirt or shoes or something.

Do u ‘feel sad’ for the AZN? or does she sound ‘too good to be true’?
Do u think she is ‘hot’? Do u think she is ‘a disgusting person’?
Do u think she will forever change the AZN stereotype?
Do u think she is going to ‘go to jail’?
Or will some Alternative Video startup give her a ’show’ on their website, like ‘Kewl New Bands (with the HIPSTER GRIFTER): Live from the Girl Talk Concert’? Glad that we are guaranteed a ‘where are they now…?’ post about her in 1.36 years.
Hope she is okay…

Feel sad abt ppl who ‘value’ stuff that I ‘take 4 granted’ like social awareness, money, semi-healthy relationships with friends who aren’t too krazie, and general social acceptance.

miss u Grifty
(Does n e 1 know what ‘grifter’ means?)
Please leave ur real/fake story about how u knew her in the comments.

This has a blog post about the popular meme The Hipster Grifter, also known by her human name Kari Ferrell. She is allegedly related to popular standup comedian Will Ferrell.

What would u do if u were in a no-win situation and ‘needed a good job’?

Might move 2 LA and work at the American Apparel factory.

Pros:

• They will teach me English
• They will give me stock in the company
• They will teach me how to make t-shirts
• Can probably get a lot of free kewl merchandise

Cons:

• My family probs won’t realize that I am wearing Am Appy, and will just think I am a ‘fggt’ wearing ‘bright shit’ that I got for free at work from my employer

Might also work at the Envelope Stuffing Centre at Netflix Inc.

Pros:

• Access to ‘bad ass’ movies: action films for black people, romantic comedies, movies about step teams, and movies about minorities who learn to excel in the classroom
• Won’t have to wait for a day or two for the movies I want
• Probably could take my computer into work and rip movies on to my compy
• Probably get to ‘watch movies’ while I work in Windows Media Player
• Employee Snack Rooms

Cons:

• Could probably just get all of the same movies on youtube/hulu/pirate bay without having 2 stuff envelopes with DVDs

Might also be Chili’s Waiter

Pros:

• People will think that I am a bro working on his Associate’s Degree at a local community college for up to 8 years
• Will get to learn how to cook some bad ass party foods
• Get to interact with ‘hot, mildly thick’ desperate broads

Cons:

• 40 lb weight gain and getting into a relationship with a fellow employee who is as sad as u, then living in a local apartment with him/her, then building ur whole social life around ur Chili’s franchise co-workers.  Also getting tempted 2 work for TGIFriday’s/Applebee’s.

Might just settle for McDonalds bro.

Pros:

• Free meals
• Free McGriddles
• Free Hot Cakes
• Free Sundaes
• Free bluetooth headset
• Get to ‘poop in the ball pit’
• Getting 2 interact with children 4 birthday parties

Cons:

• Having 2 work in the mornings 2 eat McDonalds breakfast.

I feel lucky 2 b me. Glad that I got to go to design school and live out my dreams working for an advertising firm behind some of the world’s most recognized viral marketing campaigns and strategically created memes.  

However, not every1 has it as lucky as me.

Previous post about authentic careers.
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/10/what-is-the-most-authentic-alt-job.html

Where would u work if u were ‘poor’ and ‘trapped in ur life’?  What would ur ‘career goals be’ besides ‘putting food on the dinner table’?

Sometimes I take life for granted. But then I stop to think about how EZ and awesome my own life is. I really don’t have much to worry about, yall. I don’t have any ‘real commitments.’ I do what I want, and I don’t owe any one anything–not even student loans.

There are people in the background of my life who make my life easier.
The men who pick up garbage.
The women who clean up hotel rooms that I metaphorically ‘trash.’
The people who work for cable/electronics/networking/computer companies who ‘make my internet/computer work’ somehow.
The janitors who clean up the bathroom/classrooms at my private school.
They are the people who put alcoholic beverages into cans and bottles.
They are the people who sew my Am Appy tshirts.
They are the unfortunate AZN pre-tweens who glue together my Nikes.
They are the people who die to donate clothes to thrift stores that I can purchase.
They are the people who carry heavy stuff like garbage, crates of Macbooks, and other crap.
They are the people who harvest organic products + drugs.
They are the people risking their lives’ to smuggle drugs to suburbia.
They are the people working ‘desk jobs that I would kill myself if I had to do’.
They are the people with jobs in 99% of industries that ‘pay well and have good benefits.’
They are people who wouldn’t even know what to do if they had the opportunity to waste time at their computer-based desk job all day.

While ur life may feel ‘menial’
and u might not even be able to grasp the concept of ‘a better life’ from my point of view,
I just want you to know that without you,
my life wouldn’t be what it is

I just want you to know
that I appreciate u
and what u have done 4 me.
I will not think about u again 4 a long time
but KNOW that u r important 2 me
and if u had a paypal account, I would donate some money.

There are people in the background
who make my life what it is.
Without them, I wouldn’t feel special
and I wouldn’t want ’something more.’

Tonight, I will have a drink in ur honor.

[Photo by GaraceDore]

Sometimes I wonder what I will do when I grow up. I ‘don’t want to end up’ ‘working’ in a ‘cubicle’ and feeling meaningless, kinda like the movie ‘The Office Spaces.’ I am going to design school/liberal arts school to get a better perspective on the world. I want to be able to share this perspective with others who need help making decisions. I understand the world and/or people and/or humanity and/or ‘business.’

I am a coolhunter without even trying 2 b. Even though I do not realize it, I am on the cutting edge of ‘what’s NOW‘ in society.

I’ve read that employers like google have free buffet-style food and dry cleaning for their employees.

Should I work at google? Do they have vegan options? What can I do if I work 4 google? Can I be the guy who finds what people r looking for when they search?
Does n e other place have a progressive/zany [CUSTOMIZABLE] environment in which 2 work?

I just want an authentic place where I can work.
I want 2 work 4 a firm where I can contribute 2 humanity.
I don’t want to b ‘just another alternativeBrick in the wall.
I want to authentically bond with my coWorkers.
I want to have a lava lamp.
I want to have a progressive poster in my office that wouldn’t be allowed in most workplaces.
I want to have a starting salary of $60K per year and be able to waste half of my day on the internet.
I want to eat lunch at kute restaurants with healthy options every day.
I want to be respected within my office.
I want to have authentic conversation with my coWorkers, and not just talk abt ‘the weather’ or how my local sports team is ‘in the playoffs’ and ‘has a good shot.’
I want a workplace where I can have a sweet speaker system in my office, and blast Popular Songs from The HypeMachine which inspire coWorkers to come into my office so I can tell them about the band, then spend 15 minutes telling them about how it is authentic to find MP3s from the hypemachine because it is the ‘most authentic form of buzz’ which can be associated with a band.

///Searching 4 my dream job///

Previous Alternative Career Help coverage

http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/10/what-is-the-most-authentic-alt-job.html

////help///
///need 2 grow up & make money, but still stay youthful & authentic //// \\

(Is it acceptable to wear American Appy as Business Casual?)

When you are building a personal brand, you want a brand so strong that people want to emulate it. Kinda like Michael Jackson when he was in the process of turning white. You want other people to want your life.

Picking your authentic alt career is difficult. Sometimes it takes a lot of hard work. Sometimes it means ’standing up 2 ur parentz bullshit expectations’ and/or ’societal norms.’ It means taking risks, going to college, not going to college, changing your major, taking a year off, and transferring to a school where u r socially comfortable+’academically stimulated.’ It means being yourself and being some one else. While ‘wanting 2 make ur parents proud’ is an innate within all humans, authentic alts are willing to rage against this desire. Your pride is the most important thing in the world. Your pride, your terms.

This is ur life.
WHO DO U WANT 2 B?

//////
HIPSTER RUNOFF PRESENTS
//////
THE MOST AUTHENTIC ALTERNATIVE CAREERS
/////

The Guy who works the soundboard at concerts. He knows a lot about sound quality, systems, and bands.

DJ at a shitty radio station/college radio station/guy who is affiliated with a university 5+ years after graduating & not getting a real job.

“Door guy” who multitasks as a bouncer/ticket tearer/janitor.

Buffalo Exchange employee

Am Appy employee

postpostironic McDonalds employee

Start an indie band that is better at ‘looking like an indie band’ than it is at making music

Start a web 2.0 company

Start the first myspace profile

Work for a web marketing company who tries to get products/services/memes to go viral for companies who don’t ‘get’ how the internet works. h8 when ‘big businesses’ don’t understand the importance of the meme economy.

Work at Costco

Be a Zany Doctor

Work at a free spirited, local coffee shop

Work at Starbucks (great benefits, yall)

Go 2 beauty school.

Learn photoshop/become a designer. Carles is certified in Photoshop CS1.

Transition your name into a fashion label / be a judge on a Bravo show / make clothes for keut women.

Buy a video camera and make a lil meaningful film.

Start a blog!

Go on a Bravo Show/pretend u r ‘into the design sciences.’

Become an altCEO // start a ‘plain tee shirt company’ that is ‘fueled by legal Mexis’

Spend ur whole life ‘becoming good at the internet’ for no real reason.

[via Designnotes]

Tattoo artist

Apple Store Employee

Blipster Apple Store Employee

Make a viral vid


Note: Working in a record store is no longer an authentic alternative career in the postMP3 blog era.

************
Yall have a lot of options to express your personal brands. I’m sure I left out tons of options. Feel free to add some more to the comments.

In conclusion, it is just important to always remember the power of your alternative self, and the power of alternative free will. You are not functioning within the implied expectations of society. You will justify your life at any cost. You want people to understand that you are at your job for a reason. Even if you are just ‘working at a coffee shop before you move to NYC to get a job at a design firm after you get your portfolio of doodles+MSPaint files together.’

Never give up on you. You are special. Eventually, you will find a way to get paid for just being yourself. You have a unique perspective on the world, and eventually, you will find a way to let people know ‘who u really are’, establishing a platform where people will listen 2 u, and most importantly, want 2 b u. (kinda like God/Michael Jordan/theGirlTalk/Macauly Culkin circa Home Alone).