Alternative Career Choices | Hipster Runoff

Alternative Career Choices

I want to be self-employed and work in a conceptual work space / modern cubicle.

Photos via design milk

One day, I will break free from my job in corporate America. Working in my cubicle all day, relying on a larger corporation to pay me every month so that I can survive. I work in a generic office building, one that you drive by every day, but you don't really understand what exactly has to happen for the business to survive. I work in one of many departments, feeling like a 'brick in the wall' with a bunch of other people who are in the same pay-bracket as me.

So many employers don't understand how architecture can change the way that they do business. Positive community space can enable workers to bond, work, thrive, and build peer-2-peer sharing networks of business information and intelligence.

H8 being stuck in my cubicle all day. Feel sad that all I can dream of is 'getting my own office' one day, but even that is just a bigger cubicle.

What I really want
is 2 break free
from a company employing me
and to break out of my cubicle

My dream is to be self-employed
living the American Dream
doing my work
in a progressive space
that enables me to make millions of dollars.

I want to be self-employed and work in a conceptual work space / modern cubicle that integrates itself into the space in my regional community.

I want a window that overlooks my backyard. Watch my children grow. Monitoring the dog, making sure he doesn't 'dig up the flowers.'

Might build a spherical pod that can roll around, move it into a public park on a beautiful day. If there is a flood, I will just 'float on' kinda like that Modest Mouse song.

Being self-employed is the American Dream
Having a portal where u can sit in front of a computer
and make money
may or may not be the modern version of the American Dream

Maybe I can start an mp3 music streaming service
a blog website
a music reviews zine
the next facebook
a microblogging community
a meme blog about hipster sea monkeys
The possibilities are endless
as long as I have
the right space to work in

A pod that represents 'the future'
like a space pod
that could feasibly exist in outerspace
looking out the window at Earth
floating above all
transcending all companies.

I want a Lincoln Log cabin. A modern take on an old ideal space. A place where 'shit can get done.'

I want a space that enables me to write a modern version of the Gettysburg Address
Perhaps a meme blog called 'The Williamsburg Address' that makes fun of hipsters
who live in the Williamsburg area of New York / Virginia

My company will be strong, progressive, small.
A tight nit family of workers who truly share ideas to create a better world.
Handling conference calls, browsing the internet, making deals, selling goods + one-of-a-kind services
on the internet.

Space can really change your workplace
Inspire your employers
Help you to stay connected with the world
in order to make positive changes in our ever-changing societal world

What is the American Dream?
What is ur work space like? Does it depress u?
Do u believe more companies should make 'kewler' spaces to inspire workers?
If you could build a work space, what would it look like?
Is life just a series of cubicles?

I am a grassroots marketing representative for an energy drink.

Photo by thecobrasnake

Hello. Would you like to try a new cutting edge energy drink? It comes with an authentic boost of natural energy, made from healthy things that come from the Earth like vitamins, vegetables, plants, and miscellaneous non-synthetic elements. You won't feel the same 'crash' that you feel when you consume other energy drinks.

I like my job. I'm good at it. We basically find events where 14-25 year olds are hanging out, then go there with our cooler truck, and encourage them to try our brand of drink. We are real marketers. We don't just sit back and pray that something goes viral on the internet. To really promote a brand, we have to take it to the people.  This is authentic marketing.  Roll up your sleeves and get to work.

Day after day.  Going to the warehouse.  Filling up the truck with ice + energy drinks.

Driving.  Flat screen TVs in the back of our car.  Wearing a polo shirt with the brand on it.  Casual cool business attire.  This is the good life.

People really get excited when our truck rolls around. We play some really fun tunes by relevant buzzbands, and our branded SUV turns into modern tailgate party , with people rallying around our brand.  It really becomes a mad house.  I am not sure if people are excited about our brand, or if they are just excited to get something for free.

The hardest part of the job is when minorities and greedy teens try to hoard our free product.  I wish they would understand that we are trying to promote the brand to as many people as possible.  We want to give you a sample, but we are not looking to give you a 1 month's supply of energy drink. Show a little bit of respect. Not just for me, but for urself.

You think this is an easy job? You're fucking wrong. What we do takes a high level awareness/understanding of marketing, human nature, and the local cultural event economy. Not every one can do what we do. Not every1 can hand out free drinks to strategic markets.

Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? No. But this is an important resume builder as I move up in the company, or take my knowledge to another company/brand.

Energy Drinks.  Brand Building. Letting consumers know that they can believe in our brand.

The road goes on forever
and the demand for energy in a can never ends.

What is the most authentic type of energy drink?
Are energy drinks 'for ass holes'?
Do yall believe in grass roots marketing?
Have u ever had a job where u sat at a table and represented a brand?

Should I attend my local community's most prestigious Hair and Makeup College?

Photo by easyfashion

As yall know, I am about to graduate high school, and I missed most of the design school application deadlines/I am 'too suburban' to even know what 'design' is yet, and that u can buy a Macbook and go 2 college in a meaningful city to learn abt it. I don't wanna go to normal college, learning the same bullshit over and over... I have always been more of a creative spirit, making all A's in my art + photography classes, and sometimes even creating meaningful lil projects in my own time. I have always had a strong interest in how I look, and I have always found a way to put together sweet Halloween costumes. Maybe I should go to Hair & Makeup College?

I really want to learn something that will help me help other people in ways that people don't usually appreciate. I believe that if I can make a man or woman feel better about himself/herself through something as simple as a haircut or 'makeover', then maybe I did a lil bit of good in the world. I know that some of the best highs I have experienced in life happen when I look in the mirror, and I 'look as interesting/relevant as a famous person.' I might never be a real famous person, but I think I can put myself in a position to be around them, and have them 'vent' about their personal problems 2 me.

It's kinda weird how an artist can have so many different sets of tools.  Just so many different types of art... I'd rather have this kind of artistic job instead of a desk job.  Those people are fucking trapped in their shitty lives'.

I feel like I really 'understand' how hair works, since I have been a bisexual emo tween since age 10, often using cutting-edge techniques to achieve some of the world's most alt haircuts. I have use extensions, bleach, hydrogen peroxide, sun in, razor blades, miscellaneous clipper technology, and even human placenta.

(Sometimes u have to think outside the box to bring ur ideas 2 life.)

I have a 10 year plan. I understand that I will have to 'pay my dues' and probably work at a hair salon in the mall for a few years. I think I will save a lot of money, living in an apartment complex within walking distance of the mall, and saving money utilizing the mall employee discount to buy mall pizza, mall pretzels, mall Chinese food, and mall dippin dots/assorted gimmick frozen treats.

I just wanna get a lot of practice on normal people before I work with important + famous people/models. I wouldn't feel bad 'butchering the fuck' out of some overweight wannabe-scene girl's head.

(I understand that I will sometimes have to 'make the customer happy' and abandon my own design aesthetic.)

By year 3, I will try to get on some sort of reality show on Bravo. I honestly believe I can model myself after some of the best reality show characters of all time, in order to 'make a splash' on the scene.

I am also talented, too, but I understand that in order to 'work with famous people', they must 'remember me' as being some sort of free-spirited homosexual character from a notable reality tv show.

It's just really important to create your own magnificent brand before you pitch your reality show to miscellaneous networks (Bravo, LOGO, Lifetime, MTV2, etc)

I really believe that 1 day I can change the world, and make tons of money. I believe in my design ideas, and that I can paint/chop beautiful shit on human women.

But maybe I am getting ahead of myself. I am just a tween with a dream.

I wonder if the world would be a better place if every1 looked like me.

I wonder if college is 'bullshit', and I could just learn how to do hair by watching tons of youtube tutorials on 'how I do my scene hair & makeup.'


But my parents really want me to 'go to college', They say I will have to live at home and get a part time job, since classes are only 2x per week, but I think it will be worth it for my long term happiness. So maybe I should just go to a Hair + Makeup Academy, and meet people who are like me. People who have the same dream as me. Worried + anxious that they might be 'better than me', though. Seems like it could be 'high school all over again', if every day ppl just try their best to out-look u.

I can't be scared. I have to follow my dreams.

I want to add a lil bit of colour 2 ur life.

Wish the whole world could look interesting.

I honestly believe 1 day men and women will merge into 1 human.

Want to bond with my classmates, and pull all-niters studying/practicing for our final exams (just like real college).

Maybe I could even save the Middle East by teaching them that their hair is a beautiful thing and they shouldn't have to cover their shit up any more.  Feel like every1 deserves the right to 'feel sexie.'

I want to change the world.
I want to go to a Hair + Makeup Academy.
I want a real education.

Do u know any1 that went to a hair/makeup college?
Does n e 1 know what ppl who go to these schools end up doing?
What is the current economic forecast for hair stylists + makeup artists?
Will I 'make it' in 'the industry' if I have a flamboyant personal brand?

Previous AltJob coverage

I work in marketing. I work on the streets. I represent a brand. This is my job.

Photo via Ivan Rodic

I have always wanted to be involved in 'grassroots marketing campaigns' that reach real people. It seems like the best way to do this would be to become 'a bro holding up a sign on the side of the street.' I feel like this strategy might have been stolen from homeless people, usually using their lil sign to let people know that they are 'hungry' or that they would 'welcome any sort of cash donation' towards their survival fund.

The truth is, online advertising might not even work--mainly because not every one uses the internet. Did you know that only 10% of the world uses the internet (uncited). Did you know that only 1% of the world has a 'smartphone' (uncited)? Did you know that only 10K units of iPhones have been sold (uncited)? Did you know that only 34% of the world has an email address, while 100% of the world has a physical street address (uncited)? So while you may think that the whole world is a savvy consumer just like you, the way the world works is completely different. While 'banner ads on websites' might reach 'stuck up Gen Y a-holes from all of the world', a more effective marketing campaign on a microscale might involve 'holding up a sign on the streets telling consumers about your product.'

For example, these bros have a lemonade stand in their suburban neighborhood. They are letting drivers know that they have Lemonade and Bottled Water for sale, and that proceeds will help to clean water in Liberia. They utilized graphic design, computers, markers, and laserjet printers to break through society's 'noise' and enable potential customers to 'get their message.'

This pizza parlor is letting consumers know that they have 'cheap ass pizzas', possibly between the hours of 4-6 pm, when moms are driving their kids home from school and need a 'cheap dinner option.' Sometimes, u have to have a cheap product to tap into the 'impulse buy' economy.

If you do the math, you basically have to hire some 'poor person with minimal pride/awareness of the world' to stand outside with the sign, possibly for $10 per hour. I would avoid hiring young people, since they tend to 'look ashamed'/'disinterested' in holding up the sign, since they unintentionally outsourced their brand. It seems better to have a 'serious old person' who thinks they have a real job, or possibly a 'crazy old man' who will wave to people and be a jovial extension of your brand. It is important not to hire a krazy homeless man, since he might scare customers away, even if he has tons of experience in professional sign holding.

It also seems like the seasonal tax services industry also utilize the gimmick 'having some person stand outside in a Statue of Liberty costume.' It reminds poor people driving by that they are 'too dumb' to do taxes, and need to get them done for a small fee at their local tax office.

Always remember that you have to 'go to the streets' to reach real people. While internet advertising 'looks kewl', sometimes u have to reach low-end consumers with your low-end product. I believe in the power of holding up signs on the side of the road.

'Know your customer.'
-Warren Buffet, CEO of Chili's Fun Foods Corp

Previous 'shitty marketing jobs' coverage: Guy sitting at a table representing a brand

How do u react when u see a 'famous person' in real life?

Last weekend, I was attending a Grizzly Bear concert on the coast of Brooklyn. It was a normally meaningful indie event...but then something happened... I heard the people behind me say that Jay-Z was in attendance. I thought to myself 'Jesus Christ. Jay-Z has the same taste in music as me? Who would have thunk it?' I did what any other regular person would have done--I shuffled around the crowd in an attempt to spot Jay-Z. After accidentally gravitating towards 3 normal black males, I finally found the real Jay-Z.

I took out my cammy phone, took a pic, and uploaded it to the twitterpicture forums--this is what I do whenever I see something 'kewl' happen.

Eventually, I moved behind Jay-Z and Beyonce, and decided to take a video of them. It seemed like if I didn't 'take out my cell phone' and get some pix/videos, then it would be impossible for my non-NYC based friends to believe that I had seen this famous couple.


It was great. I got to see Jay-Z and Beyonce dancing and singing all of the words. It made me feel like I was sort of 'justified' 2 like what I like. I might start listening to Jay-Z and Beyonce a little bit differently now--as if their music is influenced by the same music that influences my life.

Was pumped abt how Beyonce and her lil sis were s000 into it. I really like the same parts of the song that she 'jammed' to. My bros and I agree with her--those parts are the most 'rocking' and the most 'meaningful.'


Eventually, I got home, and uploaded my video to youtube. I didn't expect it to happen--but a lot of music bloggers and webzines covered my video. It seemed like it was worth it. It seemed like I had finally become a part of the scene, and contributed something. Maybe I would never write a hit album or contribute something transcendent to the scene, but today, I captured a lil bit of life that no1 else lived. I'm glad other people can enjoy it (that's why i linked 2 my personal myspace on the video). Even though I wasn't really able to 'focus on the concert' because I was waiting for the famous couple 2 turn around so I could get some better pictures, I still feel like my day was special. I feel good about my life. I honestly feel like I am personally responsible for constructing a bridge between the 'indie scene' and the 'hip hop scene.'

Do u get more excited when u see a 'real celebrity' or an 'alternative celebrity'?
Do u 'feel bad' for celebs when u see them 'trying to be normal bros' but then there are a bunch of 'normal bros' taking pix of them with their cellphones?
Are 'celebrities' the same as 'normal ppl'?
Do u feel 'special' when ur close to a celebrity, and get a 'shit eating grin' on ur face?

Do u hope 1 day that you will be 'relevant' enough to become a human meme who gets 'blog coverage' when u attend an indie concert?
Do u think 'real black people' are capable of liking Grizzly Bear?

Just need 2 make sure I capture the most meaningful moments of my life, particularly those times where I see a 'famous person.' Just want 'the rest of the internet' 2 believe that I was actually in the presence of 'fame.'

Wish u could see the world the way I see it [via youtube/twitpic/flickr/faycebook].

My job as a Chili’s hostess.

Photo via lastnitespartie

As yall know, I recently graduated from a state university with a degree in communications and a Public Relations minor. I applied to several large firms within my industry, but they told me I needed more work experience, and tons of human-2-human interaction. I applied for a position in the Marketing + Branding department of Chili's, but they told me I needed to start 'from the ground up' within their corporate hierarchy.

I became a hostess at an upscale Chili's brand which they are beta testing in several U.S. markets. I work at one in Phoenix (Scottsdale), Arizona. Being a hostess here is amazing...even the uniform is a little bit stylish. I have met tons of amazing people. This Chili's is great because we don't serve food to the poors. We are looking to be a place where business men can wine and dine their mistresses, and seem 'rich' while still eating variations of our original Chili's menu.

I've made some of my best friends at my job, so we're able to pre-party while we work, then go out and get mad crunk afterwards. Sometimes it sucks when men tell us that we smell like hamburger meat and fried foods, but I think after a while, they start 2 like it. Our bartender is sooo sweet, and always makes us the best fruity drink remixes.

Our signature dish

Ultimately, my job as a Chili's hostess has been a positive experience, and I believe that I am using my degree to its full potential. I am really becoming an ambassador of the Chili's brand. I love the girls at my job, and one of the most positive parts of our job is that we have an iMac computer to share at the hostess station. We get to huddle around, and look at facebook/myspace messages, and comment on which men look 'hot' and which men are 'ugly.' I couldn't ask for a better group of girls--not catty like other bitches.

I am looking forward to my career. I don't wanna make a ton of money--I just want to be happy, and that just means socializing with people who look like me, getting buzzed, hooking up, and talking about life/drama. Sorta like The Hills, except in real life, u can't get glamorous jobs like those girls. Just have to do the best with what you've got, party, and travel to party spots around the world (Mexico) for ur vacay.

Previous Misogynistic Coverage

Feeling sad that this movie was made 4 me. h8 the economy. h8 my ‘worthless college degree.’

I recently saw this movie trailer, and it felt like 'God' had decided 2 'make a movie abt my life.'


Recently, I graduated from a Top 20 university with a liberal arts degree. I was hoping to get a very good job after attending a prestigious school and getting meaningful life experience in a dormitory setting. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. I ended up moving back in with my parents, and started to sexually experiment with 'people who were losers in high school and just stayed at home.'

I was s00 I thought I was on the 'fast track' 2 'being rich & happy.' However, I was 'just another brick in the wall' of the American economy, and I didn't really have any 'real skills.' Sorta just wish I could get paid 2 'be myself' and 'share my musings' on current events (in 140 characters or less).

Just really starting to learn who I am, and how 2 'find happiness' in this world. Guess maybe I should just 'surround myself with ppl who love me' and things will 'be alright.' Sorta wish there was a 'foreign man' who lived across the street from me who could share his knowledge/cock with me. I wonder if life really is meaningful, yall. Maybe I'll know more abt life when I 'find a real job.'

Sad that my life may not actually be what I thought it would be. This is a movie about 'settling' for less. Sorta like 'a more realistic version of The Devil Wears Prada' for the type who would see this kind of movie.

Previous Job Coverage

What did u major in?

My job/career does not align with my true personal brand. [Generation Y and the mainstream workplace]

I had always been the smartest kid in the class, making good grades, considered a 'funny' person, and always generally likable. High school went well, and of course I went to a good college. I decided on a major that was pretty functional (more so than a person who focuses on studying something creative), knowing that it would help me to get a job after college. So much debt...hehe, but of course everything will always be okay.

I feel like I have always considered myself to be 'sort of special', not just because of supportive parents, but also because of my psychological fortitude. I feel like I 'understand' the way the world/people work as a system, and I always feel like I am able to make good decisions. I don't think that I have ever really had a 'legitimate challenge' in my life, but I feel like I have simulated enough 'real challenges' to pretty much 'get through any thing.'

This is a post about how to find urself/lose urself [via ur career].

The Saddest AZN alive [My Sexual Encounter with the Hipster Grifter]

This is a blog post about the popular meme The Hipster Grifter.

There once was an AZN from Utah
Who had dreams of moving to the city
breaking free of her oppressive (and possibly sexually abusive) Mormon parents who adopted her
and working for a relevant entertainment/media company (via Vice Magazine)
and most importantly 'fucking a lot of dudes' who were 'hot indie bros'

She lied a lot
Pretended she had cancer and was gonna die
Just so people would 'feel sad for her'
Stole money, credit cards, checks, and cell phones from bros who 'got to put their penis inside of her vagina'
She sexted them and was aggressive
Understanding what a bro truly needs
which is the security of knowing that a girl wants to 'be fucked'

Was the kind of person who creepily 'really wanted 2 hang out with u'
and actually followed through and called u 100 times
Think she would have benefited from 'the dorm environment'
at a small Liberal Arts College
instead of sending aggressive sexts to bros all the time

Meme via A.L. Feri Photography

I actually knew her while I was living in Brooklyn
We met each other at McCarren Pool
I was wearing Old Navy board shorts
and she came up to me and told me
'I want to pull ur penis out through ur short-hole
and give u a blow and a tug'

I was immediately turned on because that was back when my 'Yellow Fever'
was at its absolute worst
I also saw that she had 'a rowdy chest tattoo' and I immediately got
erotic visions of 'cumming on that shit'

AltCum target via Gawker

We went back to my place and we watched a popular French New Wave indie classic film
I was impressed by her career and her knowledge of everything relevant
Eventually she 'had sex with me' - 2fast & 2furiously
The bed was making the sound of the sample in the popular song "Paper Planes"
But it was the kind of thing where I 'lost interest in having sex with her'
because it was the 'sad' kind of dirty sex
where u feel like a girl is 'down to do anything'
because she is 'all sad on the inside'
and feels like the only way she knows how to 'feel good about herself'
is when there is 'some bro's cock inside of her'
I am a meaningful bro and 'don't want to be just another bro'

So my peen went limp
And I took her out for a meal
and reassured her that I 'wanted a real, emotional relationship' with her
and then she told me she was dying of cancer
and I felt bad because I had never experienced sex with some1 who was terminally ill
and thought 'damn, maybe terminally ill ppl are really just DOWN2FUCK like krayzee'

She asked me for a blank check
and I gave it to her, but it didn't matter because I have a trust fund
and she only took $2000 from me
Think that means she 'loved' me because she didn't steal $5K+

Srsly hope she's not sick, though
Would feel 'pretty bad'
and might even consider marrying her
so that she can have my bad ass health insurance [via $15 co-pay]

I miss her
I think I could have changed her
and reconciled all of her debt
and turned her into the free-spirited mom with a meaningful life in the city
that she always wanted.
I would have gotten a matching chest tatty
and we would put the same chest tatty on each of our children
as soon as they exited the womb.

Not sure if this is an 'authentic sad story'
or just some girl who wanted 'to be internet famous'
or possibly 'some sort of hoax' by an AZN graduate art student

If I were this AZN, I would 'turn myself in'
and write a movie script about my meaningful life
and how I was 'just a misunderstood alt from rural Utah/suburbia'
Demand to be played by Karen O/the Juno Girl/Margaret Cho/Sandra Oh/the AZN in Rushmore

She was already in a successful viral video. Think that means u can 'make it' in Hollywood/Bollywood [via Slumdog]. Sort of wish I worked for the Salt Lake City police so I could put my film degree to use by putting together this type of video media. Feel like I would really be helping the world.


I think every1 has 'socially puzzling' people enter their lives' at least once every 2 year. Like the kind who 'steals ur friends laptop' or 'mysteriously enters/leaves town one day.' The kind of person who feels 'really happy' when they are 'social climbing' and u don't rlly 'understand WHY' they seem s0 sad/alone. Fortunately, these types of people are only around for 1-3 months. U just have to be sure not to a) have sex with them b) make them dependent on u for things like 'fun', 'meeting new people', 'transportation services', or 'drugs.' They sort of just 'fade out of ur life' when they realize that u 'don't find them interesting as a person'/they can't 'steal/leech n e thing from u.' U just have to be brave enough not to return their 5th text.

BE CAREFUL YALL. srsly. so many ppl out there with bad intentions. just hang out on the internet all day 2 keep urself safe. do no give out ur credit card info unless u r buying a kewl t-shirt or shoes or something.

Do u 'feel sad' for the AZN? or does she sound 'too good to be true'?
Do u think she is 'hot'? Do u think she is 'a disgusting person'?
Do u think she will forever change the AZN stereotype?
Do u think she is going to 'go to jail'?
Or will some Alternative Video startup give her a 'show' on their website, like 'Kewl New Bands (with the HIPSTER GRIFTER): Live from the Girl Talk Concert'? Glad that we are guaranteed a 'where are they now...?' post about her in 1.36 years.
Hope she is okay...

Feel sad abt ppl who 'value' stuff that I 'take 4 granted' like social awareness, money, semi-healthy relationships with friends who aren't too krazie, and general social acceptance.

miss u Grifty
(Does n e 1 know what 'grifter' means?)
Please leave ur real/fake story about how u knew her in the comments.

This has a blog post about the popular meme The Hipster Grifter, also known by her human name Kari Ferrell. She is allegedly related to popular standup comedian Will Ferrell.

Where would u work if u were poor, uneducated, and unskilled?

Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I were a minority/poor/unskilled/uneducated? Seems like it is hard out there 2 find a job in our economie. I think that I would probably try to work at a place that treated me with respect, like a human.   Just want to make sure I 'get health benefits.'  Not sure if poor people are 'smart enough to work at Starbucks', though.

What would u do if u were in a no-win situation and 'needed a good job'?

Might move 2 LA and work at the American Apparel factory.


  • They will teach me English
  • They will give me stock in the company
  • They will teach me how to make t-shirts
  • Can probably get a lot of free kewl merchandise


  • My family probs won't realize that I am wearing Am Appy, and will just think I am a 'fggt' wearing 'bright shit' that I got for free at work from my employer

Might also work at the Envelope Stuffing Centre at Netflix Inc.


  • Access to 'bad ass' movies: action films for black people, romantic comedies, movies about step teams, and movies about minorities who learn to excel in the classroom
  • Won't have to wait for a day or two for the movies I want
  • Probably could take my computer into work and rip movies on to my compy
  • Probably get to 'watch movies' while I work in Windows Media Player
  • Employee Snack Rooms
  • Cons:

  • Could probably just get all of the same movies on youtube/hulu/pirate bay without having 2 stuff envelopes with DVDs

Might also be Chili's Waiter


  • People will think that I am a bro working on his Associate's Degree at a local community college for up to 8 years
  • Will get to learn how to cook some bad ass party foods
  • Get to interact with 'hot, mildly thick' desperate broads


  • 40 lb weight gain and getting into a relationship with a fellow employee who is as sad as u, then living in a local apartment with him/her, then building ur whole social life around ur Chili's franchise co-workers.  Also getting tempted 2 work for TGIFriday's/Applebee's.

Might just settle for McDonalds bro.


  • Free meals
  • Free McGriddles
  • Free Hot Cakes
  • Free Sundaes
  • Free bluetooth headset
  • Get to 'poop in the ball pit'
  • Getting 2 interact with children 4 birthday parties


  • Having 2 work in the mornings 2 eat McDonalds breakfast.

I feel lucky 2 b me. Glad that I got to go to design school and live out my dreams working for an advertising firm behind some of the world's most recognized viral marketing campaigns and strategically created memes.

However, not every1 has it as lucky as me.

Previous post about authentic careers.

Where would u work if u were 'poor' and 'trapped in ur life'?  What would ur 'career goals be' besides 'putting food on the dinner table'?

The People in the Background of My Life

Photo by LastNIghtsParty

Sometimes I take life for granted. But then I stop to think about how EZ and awesome my own life is. I really don't have much to worry about, yall. I don't have any 'real commitments.' I do what I want, and I don't owe any one anything--not even student loans.

There are people in the background of my life who make my life easier.
The men who pick up garbage.
The women who clean up hotel rooms that I metaphorically 'trash.'
The people who work for cable/electronics/networking/computer companies who 'make my internet/computer work' somehow.
The janitors who clean up the bathroom/classrooms at my private school.
They are the people who put alcoholic beverages into cans and bottles.
They are the people who sew my Am Appy tshirts.
They are the unfortunate AZN pre-tweens who glue together my Nikes.
They are the people who die to donate clothes to thrift stores that I can purchase.
They are the people who carry heavy stuff like garbage, crates of Macbooks, and other crap.
They are the people who harvest organic products + drugs.
They are the people risking their lives' to smuggle drugs to suburbia.
They are the people working 'desk jobs that I would kill myself if I had to do'.
They are the people with jobs in 99% of industries that 'pay well and have good benefits.'
They are people who wouldn't even know what to do if they had the opportunity to waste time at their computer-based desk job all day.

While ur life may feel 'menial'
and u might not even be able to grasp the concept of 'a better life' from my point of view,
I just want you to know that without you,
my life wouldn't be what it is

I just want you to know
that I appreciate u
and what u have done 4 me.
I will not think about u again 4 a long time
but KNOW that u r important 2 me
and if u had a paypal account, I would donate some money.

There are people in the background
who make my life what it is.
Without them, I wouldn't feel special
and I wouldn't want 'something more.'

Tonight, I will have a drink in ur honor.

I just realized something.
I only rlly have 3 emotions. I can only rlly feel 3 ways about something.

I can <3 some1/something.
I can h8 some1/something
I can miss some1/something.

While yall may not respect me cuz I'm not complex, yall need to realize that these simple emotions are the core feelings behind everything.

<3 = when u either rllly luv some1 or when u 'fake luv' them and are kinda being sillie about liking them s0 much. Kinda worx both ways since I'm afraid of commitment/meaning what I say. U can prove that u rlly luv some1 or something by surrounding it with <3s. For example " <3 [object] <3 ."
h8 = when u hate something/dislike something/are uncomfortable in a situation/feel inconvenienced/feel like something has wronged u/don't like what something stands 4
miss = when u get a lil nostalgic about something u used to <3 or h8. It kinda symbolizes growin' up and seeing things a lil bit differently than u used 2. u nvr realize how important something was until u start 2 miss it. U can also kinda 'fake' miss some1 2 make fun of how u used 2 view the world.

Feeling in action:

h8 u

miss u

miss u

<3 u

<3 u

h8 yall

miss u

h8 yall

h8 yall

miss u

<3 u

h8 yall

miss u

<3 u

miss u

h8 u

h8 u

h8 yall

h8/<3/miss u

What do u h8/<3/miss ?
Let's get vulnerable.
want 2 see ur soul

Child Predatoring is a Serious Business

When I grow up, I want to work at a firm that allows me to 'dress up' AND wear child predator glasses.

[Photo by GaraceDore]

Sometimes I wonder what I will do when I grow up. I 'don't want to end up' 'working' in a 'cubicle' and feeling meaningless, kinda like the movie 'The Office Spaces.' I am going to design school/liberal arts school to get a better perspective on the world. I want to be able to share this perspective with others who need help making decisions. I understand the world and/or people and/or humanity and/or 'business.'

I am a coolhunter without even trying 2 b. Even though I do not realize it, I am on the cutting edge of 'what's NOW' in society.

I've read that employers like google have free buffet-style food and dry cleaning for their employees.

Should I work at google? Do they have vegan options? What can I do if I work 4 google? Can I be the guy who finds what people r looking for when they search?
Does n e other place have a progressive/zany [CUSTOMIZABLE] environment in which 2 work?

I just want an authentic place where I can work.
I want 2 work 4 a firm where I can contribute 2 humanity.
I don't want to b 'just another alternativeBrick in the wall.
I want to authentically bond with my coWorkers.
I want to have a lava lamp.
I want to have a progressive poster in my office that wouldn't be allowed in most workplaces.
I want to have a starting salary of $60K per year and be able to waste half of my day on the internet.
I want to eat lunch at kute restaurants with healthy options every day.
I want to be respected within my office.
I want to have authentic conversation with my coWorkers, and not just talk abt 'the weather' or how my local sports team is 'in the playoffs' and 'has a good shot.'
I want a workplace where I can have a sweet speaker system in my office, and blast Popular Songs from The HypeMachine which inspire coWorkers to come into my office so I can tell them about the band, then spend 15 minutes telling them about how it is authentic to find MP3s from the hypemachine because it is the 'most authentic form of buzz' which can be associated with a band.

///Searching 4 my dream job///

Previous Alternative Career Help coverage

///need 2 grow up & make money, but still stay youthful & authentic //// \\

(Is it acceptable to wear American Appy as Business Casual?)

What is the most Authentic Alt Job?

When I graduated from High School (got a G.E.D. cuz I outgrew a lot of the social bullshit rlly quickly) and made a 10 year plan, I realized that I wanted a job that not only provided financial security, but more importantly projected an image that enabled people to think that I am 'cool' and 'passionate about what I do at the same time.' Picking a career is a difficult, soul-searching journey/ongoing quest for self-awareness+actualization.

When you are building a personal brand, you want a brand so strong that people want to emulate it. Kinda like Michael Jackson when he was in the process of turning white. You want other people to want your life.

Picking your authentic alt career is difficult. Sometimes it takes a lot of hard work. Sometimes it means 'standing up 2 ur parentz bullshit expectations' and/or 'societal norms.' It means taking risks, going to college, not going to college, changing your major, taking a year off, and transferring to a school where u r socially comfortable+'academically stimulated.' It means being yourself and being some one else. While 'wanting 2 make ur parents proud' is an innate within all humans, authentic alts are willing to rage against this desire. Your pride is the most important thing in the world. Your pride, your terms.

This is ur life.


The Guy who works the soundboard at concerts. He knows a lot about sound quality, systems, and bands.

DJ at a shitty radio station/college radio station/guy who is affiliated with a university 5+ years after graduating & not getting a real job.

"Door guy" who multitasks as a bouncer/ticket tearer/janitor.

Buffalo Exchange employee

Am Appy employee

postpostironic McDonalds employee

Start an indie band that is better at 'looking like an indie band' than it is at making music

Start a web 2.0 company

Start the first myspace profile

Work for a web marketing company who tries to get products/services/memes to go viral for companies who don't 'get' how the internet works. h8 when 'big businesses' don't understand the importance of the meme economy.

Work at Costco

Be a Zany Doctor

Work at a free spirited, local coffee shop

Work at Starbucks (great benefits, yall)

Go 2 beauty school.

Learn photoshop/become a designer. Carles is certified in Photoshop CS1.

Transition your name into a fashion label / be a judge on a Bravo show / make clothes for keut women.

Buy a video camera and make a lil meaningful film.

Start a blog!

Go on a Bravo Show/pretend u r 'into the design sciences.'

Become an altCEO // start a 'plain tee shirt company' that is 'fueled by legal Mexis'

Spend ur whole life 'becoming good at the internet' for no real reason.

[via Designnotes]

Tattoo artist

Apple Store Employee

Blipster Apple Store Employee

Make a viral vid

Note: Working in a record store is no longer an authentic alternative career in the postMP3 blog era.

Yall have a lot of options to express your personal brands. I'm sure I left out tons of options. Feel free to add some more to the comments.

In conclusion, it is just important to always remember the power of your alternative self, and the power of alternative free will. You are not functioning within the implied expectations of society. You will justify your life at any cost. You want people to understand that you are at your job for a reason. Even if you are just 'working at a coffee shop before you move to NYC to get a job at a design firm after you get your portfolio of doodles+MSPaint files together.'

Never give up on you. You are special. Eventually, you will find a way to get paid for just being yourself. You have a unique perspective on the world, and eventually, you will find a way to let people know 'who u really are', establishing a platform where people will listen 2 u, and most importantly, want 2 b u. (kinda like God/Michael Jordan/theGirlTalk/Macauly Culkin circa Home Alone).

VIDEO: Bill Murray reads poetry to despondent / disenfranchised Construction Workers


I am not really sure what this meme is all about. I think some poetry foundation is building a new facility, so they brought Bill Murray in, and made him read poetry to the people who were building the place. I feel 'conflicted.' The alt internet user in me wants to say "this is totes kewl. Bill Murray is the best. Loved him in Rushies/Tenanebaummies," but then the human in me gets sad, thinking about construction workers. I feel like I am 'making a huge generalization', but I associate them with 'being uneducated' and having to turn to specialized low-level labor to earn a living, so this video sorta represents the clash in career paths / life decisions / class issues / social struggles.

Are 'construction workers' smarter than college graduates because they didn't blow $40-160K on a college education [via student loans]?

It seems like the videographer must have been really in touch with Wes Anderson cinematography, because the 'space' on screen seems really 'perfect.' Straight from a Tenenbaums scene.

Do u think they know who Bill Murray is, or do they just want to 'get back to work'?

Does Bill Murray's 'charm' / charisma work on every1, or just rich, cultured ppl?

Do u think the construction workers 'gave a shit' about indie actor Bill Murray reading poetry? Do they have the skills to 'interpret' an Emily Dickinson poem, or is she 'a crazy ass bitch that no1 can understand'?

Do u think it was unfair to involve the construction workers in this internet meme, or did it make them feel like 'part of something special'?
Is 'construction work' the new authentic alternative career?
Do u know how much money construction workers make per year?
Worried that I will never be happy. Wish I had a simple life, and a specialized, valued set of skills.
Is Michael Cera the new Bill Murray?
Should I re-invent my construction job by taking on serious/quirky indie construction projects?
Did this video make u excited about poetry, or get u depressed about social isssues?

Bill Murray

Actor, Alternative Celebrity

Bill Murray is the frontman of the hit chillwave project Chill Murray.

Read more>>>>

Tons of ass hole calling themselves ‘ninjas’ when they apply for jobs.

According to the professional social networking site LinkedIn, Ninja has become one of the fastest growing job titles of the Great Recession.

Just read this Wall Street Journal article about how people are making up fake titles to make themselves seem like they are distinguished/unique/qualified/passionate candidates when they apply for jobs. Basically, since most job listings are flooded with hundreds of applicants, people have increasingly made up dumb job titles that attempt to represent their abilities and/or connection to their profession. The new kewl job description is 'ninja', replacing the popular web 1.0 buzz term 'guru.'

In 2009, the growth of "ninja" as a new job description far outpaced the growth of other trendy titles, according to LinkedIn Corp., a Web site that provides networking for more than 65 million professionals. While the numbers are still small on LinkedIn—some 800 current or former ninjas have public profiles on the site—their growth has skyrocketed past other fashionable careers such as "gurus" and "evangelists," says Monica Rogati, a scientist at LinkedIn who finds patterns in jobs data.

Do u have a linkedin profile?
What is ur job title?
Would u call urself a ninja?

Do u think it is a good idea to call urself a 'ninja' when u apply for a job? If I used to work at Subway, should I call myself a sandwich ninja instead of a 'sandwich artist'? If you work at McDonalds, can u call yourself a Burger MGMT Ninja just to make sure that people know you were more than just another sad McDonalds employee?

"The concept of a ninja is metaphorical. It's about confidence," says Alex Schliker, who has been advertising to hire one for his San Francisco business software start-up, CureCRM. It's "an easy way to say you need to be good at learning anything new I throw at you," he says.

Ninja is "sexier" than its predecessor, Mr. Schliker says: "Guru is so Web 1.0."

Feel scared about growing up. Like I will have to beg people for a job, convince them that I am 'qualified' to work at their firm. I wish they could just chill with me for a while, then realize I am a chill + authentic bro who truly 'gets' the world.

When I graduate from college, am I 'fucked'?
Do u have any tips for building a strong resume?
Will I become a millionaire before I die?
Have you ever done something gimmicky to get a dumb job at a creative agency?
R u going to be unemployed for the rest of ur life if u don't become a ninja?
Should I just spend the rest of my life pretending like I am an 'expert' at the internet and trying to build my twitter brand?

Are unpaid internships a new form of modern slavery?

The New York Times did a story about how unpaid internships might be illegal. They basically say unpaid internships are ways for companies to scam young people looking for opportunities into working for free. Even though most companies exist 2 make money, they often try to 'cut costs' and exploit the efforts of young people who don't know any better/don't have better career opportunities.

“If you’re a for-profit employer or you want to pursue an internship with a for-profit employer, there aren’t going to be many circumstances where you can have an internship and not be paid and still be in compliance with the law,” said Nancy J. Leppink, the acting director of the department’s wage and hour division.

Wonder if employers feel sad that they can't hire optimistic college students who are funded by federal loans or their rich parents to do some free labor. Did u have an unpaid internship during college where you learned a lot / were treated like shit?

Many regulators say that violations are widespread, but that it is unusually hard to mount a major enforcement effort because interns are often afraid to file complaints. Many fear they will become known as troublemakers in their chosen field, endangering their chances with a potential future employer.

Do u feel like u have to get an internship in order to get 'real experience'? Has an employer ever treated u like shit as an intern?

The story also featured a picture of a girl who did an unpaid internship for a company that booked musical acts. I think she is supposed to appear as a 'victim' because she goes to NYU, but still has to do 'unpaid bitch work.'

There were tons of unsourced examples of 'unfair employers' who treated their interns 'like janitors', minorities, and miscellaneous unskilled laborers. If u had an intern, would u make them do 'bitchwork' or try to make them more employable?

Many students said they had held internships that involved noneducational menial work. To be sure, many internships involve some unskilled work, but when the jobs are mostly drudgery, regulators say, it is clearly illegal not to pay interns.

One Ivy League student said she spent an unpaid three-month internship at a magazine packaging and shipping 20 or 40 apparel samples a day back to fashion houses that had provided them for photo shoots.

At Little Airplane, a Manhattan children’s film company, an N.Y.U. student who hoped to work in animation during her unpaid internship said she was instead assigned to the facilities department and ordered to wipe the door handles each day to minimize the spread of swine flu.

Do u have an internship horror story?
Have u interned at an alt company?
Are employers 'ass holes'?
Will u get screwed over more if you intern with a Fortune 500 company or if you try to get alt cred by working at a boutique company?
Do u have any work experience, or do u just think u'll live at home with ur parents for the rest of ur life?
Are unpaid interns 'victims' or should they 'shut up' and get to work / clean the bathroom / run to get the office some coffee?
Are young adults too entitled these days/think they can achieve their dream job?
Are internships the same thing as 'slavery'?
Should the Alt Report hire 5-10 unpaid interns?

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