8:00- Opening credits… fucking pumped.
8:02- omg. love this show. head gonna explode. wonder who will win this season.
8:05- yay. love Ryan Seacret. Think he might be ‘ghey’ though

8:06 – wonder if Ry Seacry had plastic surgery. Miss ‘metrosexuals.’ :::GAYDAR ALERT:::!!!
8:10- OMG! love this season’s cast! I can relate to a few of them s00 much! 1 is from my hometown and went to a high school close to mine!

8:11 – Commercial…. i mean cmon America… do we really need Tacos for 99 cents? LOL!!

8:14 – ugh. finally. New guy is singing. Think his name is Justin Guarini. He is singing a jazzy version of Maroon 5. He might be ‘ghey’, but also might just be ‘pumped to be famous for a month.’
8:16 – Simon is s0 mean!

8:17 – Love Paula!

8:18 – Some tween came up and sang Vanessa Carlton’s “1000 Miles.” Song always reminds me of the summer we went away 2 college, and I stayed in a long distance relaish.

8:19 – Commercial. OMG. Saw the scariest Volkswagen commercial. Need 2 get 1.
8:22 – Neil Diamond is the best! Great singer and great teacher! inspired.

8:23 – haha. Simon and Ryan goin at it. Those guys have great chemistry. Love their fashion.
8:25 – Just showed some rejects! some faggot dumb asian was such a fucking idiot! hahahaha! this guy sucks…. but he has a good heart… loves him

8:27 – OMG. Black woman got all mad! She seems like a real cunt! But I agree with the judges… all black people think that they are gifted at either music or sports… wish some1 would give them a reality check…

8:30 – Commercial. Yawn. Dorito break!
8:31 – Havin a craving… time to mash some peanut M&M’s into some Ben And Jerry’s… ugh… snacking will be the death of me… and my waistline! but 1 ‘junkfood day’ per week won’t be too bad.
8:34 – Finally…show back on…
8:34 – is it just me, or has Paula had some work done?

8:35 – Fat black guy singing. Think America gets behind fat ppl because they feel bad that they are gonna die so soon of Diabetes (aka The Sugar).
8:37 – Some twink is singing. Don’t think America will vote for his ‘fggt ass.’ especially cuz only ‘dumb people’ watch tv, and they are conservativez.

8:38 – some other gay guy is singing…. yawn… wish they could sexually screen these people. Need 2 write it into Prop 8….

8:41 – so gaytastic!!! transitioning into some bro who is trying to sound like Nickelback, I think.

8:43 – some old dad is singing. Time to get a 100 calorie pack! hehe
8:44 – taking the dog out to poop and pee
8:45 – have to take a shit
8:46 – Commercial. Ugh!!!!!! tired of seeing the same insurance commercial over and over!
8:50 – Hefty black girl singing. Think she might win so they can market her as ‘the next Aretha Franklin.’ Not sure if Beyonce will be willing 2 put on enough pounds to ‘fill that niche.’

8:51 – Random thought… Would Jessica Simpson/Ashlee Simpson’s career be better if they ‘won’ Ammy Idol?

8:53 – Kelly Clarkson singing ‘Since U Been Gone.’ she has ’star’ written all over her….
8:55 – Commercial. UGH!!! laptop running out of battery. Gonna make some popcorn for the announcement of the winner…. simon’s so mean! will dump Whoppers and Milk Duds into the popcorn to get some salty sweetness goin’ on…
8:56 – Nervous for all of the contestants.
8:57- OMG…just eliminated my favourite contestant…. feel sad 4 them. Sad that they go back home to their small town and will become alcoholics/ substance abusers.
8:58 – Time for the winner………after this commercial… UGH
8:59 – Calling in 1 last time to make sure my fave contestant wins. Gonna call from both my home phone and cell phone. hehe.
8:59 – OMG… here it comes…
8:59 – Ryan has envelope… opens it.
9:00 – THEY DID IT! They won… Think he/she is gonna be around this music industry or a long, long time.

9:00 – A Star Was Born
9:02 – Put in Freschetta pizza. Takes 25 minutes until crust golden brown. hungry

9:24 – Take out pizza from oven with oven mitt
9:25 – Burned the roof of my mouth with hot cheese…Shoulda let it cool off.
9:26 – Open up a 3 liter of root beer and pour it into a big cup
9:30 – put it on some soft porn while eating. Feel my penis get 36% erect
9:34 – finish entire pizza by myself 960 calories… ugh…
9:35 – penis fully erect, rubbing erect shaft with greasy palms. Lubricated. precum
9:39 – rubbing, waiting for a good sex scene to come up
9:43 – get restless, use my laptop to surf for a good porn scene
9:44 – rub butter on to my penis head and rub until is is ‘incredibly sensitive.’
9:58 – after waiting for a good scene, finally settle on one that is ‘kinda fucked up’ but also ‘very real.’ has a good cum shot
10:03 – about to cum
10:05 – make myself ejaculate at the same time that the porno guy cums on her face
10:06 – take dish to the sink. pile with rest of dishes.
10:08 – have really bad gas. Keep farting.
10:10 – farted and a runny log of shit accidentally came out. go to restroom to take off shit-stained underwear and drop log into the toilet
10:14 – spend 5 minutes looking at myself in the body. Holding my rolls of fat

10:45 – feeling worthless and disgusting
10:50 – write down a workout regiment for the next week…seriously cutting out bad foods.
10:52 – jerk myself off. cum, but it is clear and trickles out.
10:54 – examine myself for cancer
10:55 – worried i have cancer
11:04 – google ‘cancer symptoms’ and convince myself I have cancer
11:06 – eat a Hot Pocket

11:10 – get angry at myself. cut myself. long gash down my abdomen.
11:11 – bleeding into sink. getting light headed
11:14 – throw up hot pocket. Feel better
11:15 – call 3 friends. no one picks up
11:16 – call my dad to freak him out. Needing attention. haven’t talked to him in 5 years.
11:20 – tell him that I am going to ‘fucking kill myself.’
11:30 – crying on the bathroom floor. puddle of blood. Drinking a beer mixed with Nyquil and other downers
11:31 – get rifle out from underneath my bed
11:33 – sobbing uncontrollably. shit. Put rifle into my mouth
11:34 – think to myself ’seriously? Is this what I fucking want to do? Do you fucking know what you are doing? You can’t fucking do anything right. Fuck. You are too pussy. You can’t do anything right.’
11:36 – Check email one last time. Search twitter for something that would inspire me
11:38 – write a series of cryptic emails, facebook wall posts, myspace comments and tweets to people who I know well, and also to people who I don’t know.
11:39 – make an iTunes playlist with a mix of Linkin Park, Needle in the Hay, and “adam’s song” for people to find playing when they discover me. Also carve ‘please tell mom this is not her fault’ on my tummy with a steak knife.
11:40 – Check Perez Hilton for his reaction 2 2nite’s AI… feel the same way as him.
11:40 – Blow my brains out. Last words were ‘Goodnight moon.’


This has been a liveblog by Carles of the popular weblog HIPSTERRUNOFF.com. For more American Idol coverage, please visit hipsterrunoff.com/AmmyIdol.

Please comment with who u think will win next season.
What else should I liveblog, yall? Think it is ‘fun’ and makes me feel knnected 2 the rst of America. Do yall like 2 sit on ur lappy and watch TV, and talk about what is happening on the TV while ur connected 2 ppl on the internet?

Sometimes ur hornie, but there’s no1 else around 2 ‘get u off.’ I feel happie that some1 invented ‘masturbation.’ Imagine if there was no way 2 pleasure urself? Feel like there would be a lot of lonely people out there. I think guys just have to ‘tug off’ and ‘watch some slut getting fucked’ on the internet.

Does n e 1 know how girls ‘get off’?
From what I have heard, when a girl wants 2 cum by herself, she just has to sit on top of a washing machine/dryer?

Not even really sure how vaginas work. I think there is 1 part that ur ’supposed 2 rub’ and then another part ‘deep inside.’

Feel anxious about losing my virginity. Worried that my parents will find out and think that I’m ‘a slut’/'hornie piece of shit’. I just wish that they’d realize that I’m young and in love.

Happie that I know about ‘condoms’ and ‘alternate methods of contraception.’ I srsly feel like my life would be over if I got a girl preggers.

Sort of wish my middle school had Sex Ed/taught evolution. Think that I wouldn’t be so ‘naive’ if I knew more about the world.
Is n e 1 gonna wait 2 have sex until ur married?
What do u do when ur hornie? Do yall like sexting?

This is a post about exploring ur sexualitie, kinda like the movie EYES WIDE SHUT.

All we evr fucking do is make fun of eachother/ourselves. Yall…we can’t do this forever. We can’t just make snark meme blogs bashing people for the rest of our lives’. There comes a time 2 ‘grow the fuck up’ and start trying 2 make the world better.

Just read this comment and made me feel all sad about what I am doing. Might need 2 change my tone.

Author : Orion
Comment:
Dear Carles

Fuck you.

I don’t know if you think that your blog is funny, relevant, ironic, post-modern, or any other asinine “hipster” buzzword, your blog boils down to the same old racist, misogynistic, hate spewing bullshit that has plagued America since its inception.

i mean, what the fuck, blipsters? yellow fever? this entire post?!?! we’re all different, we know. you dont have to sort us into whites and not whites, “bros” and not “bros”, heteronormatives and “gheis” or whatever the fuck you say.

our generation has been called the least motivated, and most privileged ever to have existed. We are living in an age where we are connected to each other like no other generation of humanity has been. you can interact with people across the planet NEARLY INSTANTANEOUSLY VIA SATELLITES THAT ORBIT THE FUCKING PLANET, AND ALL YOU HAVE TO CONTRIBUTE IS THE MOST VULGAR, DIVISIVE, AND (MOST DAMNINGLY) POINTLESS DRIBBLE THAT LEAKS OUT OF YOUR ID DOMINATED BRAIN.

you are an embarrassment to our generation, and if history remembers you (which I sure as fuck hope it doesn’t) it will be as the death knell of white heterosexual male hegemony.

and I don’t give a shit if you think this is Art. If this is the best art you can produce you might want to consider a different career, perhaps in the KKK.

you are only culturally relevant in the sense that you represent the puerile, emotionally stunted, intellectually repressed, and self absorbed America that cares more about listening to hip music and wearing cool clothes that what is happening in the world.

there is nothing wrong with hipsters being fashionable, having educations, or being artistic, as long as they are contributing something useful to our society.

but you carles are slime. you make nothing new, you just recycle old hatred, and draw lines of class and race and sexuality. you are what is wrong with hipsters. and you should be ashamed.

and fuck all of you commenters who encourage this bullshit. YOU SHOULD BE OUTRAGED. I will never buy anything from anyone who pays you to advertise.

[View Comment Thread]

whoa. who am I + what do I believe in + what have I become.
‘wtf.’ fuck. Should showcase more COMMENTS WORTH BLOGGING ABOUT?

miss when electro was brand new. Miss when I used 2 have authentic fun.

miss u
feeling sad this weekend. might stay in. might change my blog layout.
bye

PS: what should I do?

Think I need to buy this new keyboard, to remind me of the city/graveyards/death. I think this is supposed 2 remind u about how the whole world is built on computers [via data entry on keyboards], or something like that. ‘and then we all end up 6 feet underground.’

Paul Chan meme

Might get this Photoshop tie. Need it 2 prove that I ‘get’ design. Need people to know that these icons are the tools through which I can make anything happen.

Might get this shirt that is ‘a clever take’ on that line from the Sixth Sense, and talks about how I feel like I am superior to most people who I encounter during the day.

Might get this shirt that also lets people know that I have a higher state of consciousness/self-awareness than they do. Want them to know not to try to have some dumb conversation with me–I don’t have time for that shit.

Might ‘brand myself’ as some creepy, foreign douchebag who probably ‘has too much confidence around women’ and ‘at his job’, and decide to buy a new computer. Will talk about how I am so informed, and in touch with my own needs, then buy a sillie Dell computer

Maybe I’ll just ‘get blazed’ and go 2 IHOP. Eat some pancakes.

Not sure if I am even interested in ‘buying shit’, but probably more interested in convincing people 2 buy shit. Might start an ad agency, and organize a cult’s mass-suicide as a viral marketing campaign for Nike/the company of ur choice.

Will build a shoe inspired by the event, and have Kobe Bryant/ LeBron James wear the shoes at the Olympics in China.

This will be part of a global plan/brainwashing scheme to ‘take down the Chinese’ and take back control of being ‘the most relevant country on the Earth.’

Need investors. Ideas take money, whether it is buying something 4 urself, or executing a creative project.

Worried that I don’t have much money left in my bank account. Might have to fly 2 France so that I can ‘pretend I am rioting in the name of change’, but actually just ‘try to steal some cash from an ATM.’ Might have to alter my physical appearance to make me seem like a ‘bro with no will to live’ who would actually ‘do something THAT crazie.’

Have yall seen n e thing kewl 2 buy lately?
Have any ideas for projects that u’d like 2 do that would impact the world/ur local community?

Sometimes I read news stories about how rich people don’t do their taxes, and it confuses me, cuz it’s like they don’t realize that if they fill out their 1040EZs, they will get some money back. Basically, I take the W-2s from my Work-Study oncampus job and my summer job at my dad’s organic bakery, and I fill out my tax return, then I get a few hundred back ‘from Uncle Sam.’

Does n e 1 know how taxes ‘work’? From what I have read, they take some of my money, then use it to fix roads, feed homeless people, and educate poor people. Then there is some money left over that they are able to redistribute to the common, middle class people that we can spend 2 fix the economy. S0000 f*ckng confused yall.

It’s always nice to get some extra ‘pocket money’ to buy stuff that I need. This year I am considering buying:
a) blow
b) a prostitute
c) 20 lap dances at $10 each
d) a new instrument so I can create a blog buzz band
e) a warranty for my Macbook
f) tickets to 5 meaningful music festivals
g) a $300 iTunes gift certificate
h) groceries at Whole Foods for a month
i) an authentic party
j) buying a ‘dot-com’ for my kewl new blog
k) an iPhone nano
l) investing in Am Appy
m) a Smart Car
n) Choose. Your . Own . Reward

Is n e 1 else gonna fill out ur tax return on the bare ass of some alt skank?
How much are yall getting back, and what are you going 2 buy? Hope ur not one of those ppl who are ’so excited to get ur tax return cuz u need it 2 pay rent’ or something boring and poor like that.
Treat urself nice, yall.

Should I be Animal Collective 4 Halloween?

Do u think a costume is successful if you have 2 write lyrics to 1 of their popular songs and tape them 2 ur back?

(miss u Deakin)

Not sure if Animal Collective is ‘interesting’ enough to be for Halloween. Seem a little bit too ‘low key.’ I’m not sure if Mainstreamers are supposed 2 be able 2 identify who u r, or if the goal is 4 people not to recognize u.

Might need to be Lady Gaga for Halloween, but I’m not sure if I will have the budget 2 dress like a tired, middle-aged Italian woman wearing a 1 piece bathing suit and a platinum wig.

Photo via Jezebel

Might also be ‘a tween’ or ‘a blog’ 4 Halloween. Might also be ‘Wavves’ 4 Halloween

What are u gonna b 4 Halloween? Or is it 2 early 2 start thinking abt?

Do yall think my expectations 4 a woman are ‘too high’?
Ppl say that ‘there’s plenty of women in the sea’, but just feel like I might be asking too much.

Sometimes I wonder what people did ‘before the internet could handle videos.’ I feel like people were still making ’shitty music and rapping over it’, but I feel like now that you can make a zany video to go with it and more ppl will have 2 hear your zany song while watching your zany video. Feel bad about the attention economy.

What’s yalls fave kind of pizza? [via Dominos advertising to alternative demographics]
Do u yall still think that altbros are evolving in2 pizzaAlts?

Previous Pizza Alt Coverage

http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/10/pizza-alts-the-next-altbro.html

Sometimes I wish I had another me. A version of me who was a lil bro who didn’t mind doing that stuff I didn’t want 2 do. Doing small stuff like taking out the trash, cooking dinner, researching new buzz bands, and doing background research on people who are trying 2 b my bro. He would be a simple bro, just happy to be alive. Sometimes he would remind me that life is precious since he was such a ’simpleton’ who saw so much goodness in the world that I h8/resent so much. I will tell him that we are in search of a perfect world, on a journey together.

However, Me #2 would probably get in trouble a lot, since he wouldn’t have a formal education. He would get in trouble for ‘touching girlsz a$$es’ at ‘the club’, and accidentally killing pets/people who he tried to hug too hard, kind of like the popular character Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Eventually, he will be too much to handle, and I will have to take him out into the woods and shoot him in the back of the head while describing a version of the perfect world that we idealize.

[via Being John Malcovich (subVia Lt. Dan via Forrest Gump)]

If u had ‘another u’ what type of ‘bitch work’ would u make him do?
What would the dangers of ‘having another U’ be?

I can’t be 100% certain what is happening in the picture. Is it a house party? Is it a meaningful electro concert? Is it a picture from the Running of the Bulls? Is it a group of bros being executed as a group? Is it a group of people singing the song “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M.? Is it a group of bros trying to go viral via their youtube channel? We’ll never know, yall.

“I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try” -The R.E.M.s

But part of me kinda likes not knowing. While I usually yearn for certainty, this time I feel at peace without knowing an answer to all of my questions. I know I’m not the only one.

There’s more to photography than yall think.
Beautiful Photographs Make U Think About Life.

(Maybe it was just an artistic decision 2 try to hide the Shuttershades bro)

miss u 2k_
As we move forward in time, are we realizing that 2k_ was the best year in the history of the world?

Do yall have any friends who ‘make it a big deal’ when it is a birthday? Do u h8 it? Do u get people gifts, or do u think that ur true bros don’t expect gifts from you? Don’t know how 2 feel about birthdays. I really like the attention, and that my parents gift me money/cars/macbooks, but still… there’s just something a little bit mainstream about ‘celebrating a birthday.’ Do u just want to ‘go downtown’ and ‘overpay for drinks’ at a place that u have to ‘wear something nice’ to, instead of the usual underage-friendly bar that u ‘chill at’?

Not to get all philosophical, but ‘time’ as we know it is kinda a human construct. Things like ‘days’, ‘weeks’, ‘months’ and ‘years’ are just labels. If we were all cavemen, we would only really know night+day AND hot+cold AND various weather changes. We would have no way to track the exact day we were born. That’s probs why the cavemen died when the dinosaurs got hit be a meteor/cholera.

Whenever u go out for some ass hole’s birthday, don’t u feel kind of like u are trapped in a photo opportunity like this:

It just kinda sux. I want my birthday to be meaningful. Like more than just dinner+drinks+friends who can’t distinguish how special UR night is from every other night. Same stuff happens, except there is cake, or 21 shots, or pizza, or something like that. Maybe I should ‘plan a trip’ for my birthday. Or maybe I should drive to the tip of South America on a motorcycle. Just want something more.

Do yall think birthdays are like the SUPER BOWL of Girls Nights Out?
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2009/01/i-am-planning-a-girls-night-out-with-a-group-of-my-closest-girl-friends.html

N E WAYS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YALL.
When’s ur birthday? I’ll send u an eCard? [via 1997]