HIPSTER RUNOFF

Lucas Vercetti spotted making out with his famous GF, is a PIMP

Carles — Tue, 15 May 2012 20:57:58 +0000

Whaddup guys?

Things are going SUPER WELL in my life. So first of all, I'm a frigging TV star. I got my own show on Adult Swim called Loiter Squad. Sure, it was embarrassing to have to put a food in my mouth, but look at what's in my mouth right now... the product of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. As Matt Damon said in Good Will Swagging, "How do u like dem apples? SWAG!"

U see us filling up with gas... but that's not the ONLY THING that's being filled up... if u know what I mean... LUUUUCAAASSSSSSSSSS IN DA HOOUSE! Vercetti!

Things are going super well with Tallulah. I feel like she knows I am the most famous member of Odd Future, especially cuz I was able to snag her, some premium tabloid Hollywood a$$. Don't get me wrong, I treat her like a queen. Part of me feels paranoid that she only dates me to replace the youthful zaniness of Ashton Kutcher in her life. At the end of the day, it's pretty swag to get to hang out with the stars of Die Hard With a Vengeance AND Striptease whenever we eat dinner.

The Odd Future store is doing GREAT. I'm managing the shit out of it! We just got in these swag new tees! They have the Odd Future logo in this REALLY sick font that references something else from popular culture. You'd have to see it to understand. It's a bitch folding every one of them, especially now that I am famous. All of these tweens want to take pictures with me, and I'm all like 'UGH I HAVE A JOB TO DO' and they are like 'TAKE A PIC' then my gf walks in and she is like 'Why are you hitting on fans?" and I'm like "IM NOT IM JUST TRYING TO FOLD TEES AND PEOPLE WANT TO TAKE PIX WITH ME BECAUSE IM FAMOUS" and she's like "I'm the only famous 1 in this relationship" then I tell her "sorry" and we go out to eat some SWAG burritos at our favorite place.

HAve u ever had 'carnitas'? I think it Spanish for 'HELLA SWAG MEAT'.

Anyways, I gotta go help upgrade our inventory management software. I'll see you guys on the flipside.

VERCETTI OUT!

-Lucas

What it's like to be the white guy in Odd Future: The Lucas Vercetti Story

I am addicted to staying in, wearing jammies, ordering tomato soup, and dancing.

Carles — Mon, 14 May 2012 22:50:18 +0000

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This weekend, I realized that I have developed a crippling fear of the outside world. I do not like interacting with humans, and I believe the entire world is out to get me. I have a safe zone, a daily routine, and I am alright with that.

There are only a few things that make me happy. This short list includes

checking the weather, constantly asking my phone if it is raining even when I can see the sun in the sky
wearing jammies, comfortable PJs with elastic bands that cloak my massive weight gain
ordering tomato soup by way of delivery
I have developed a fear of real shoes
Avoiding having to clean my apartment at all cost.
dancing around to honky old songs like 'Shake, Rattle and Roll.'

I have lost all contact with any one real in my life. My family, my friends, my significant other. Instead, I live alone on a steady diet of tomato soup. I have developed a Vitamin D deficiency because I am always indoors, afraid of potential rainfall.

The only friend I have is a computer phone. She talks to me and answers my questions about the scary world outside. She makes me laugh. She comforts me when I am scared. She has all the answers, and only cares about servicing me. I like her sense of humor. Every day feels like I am on a date with my robot phone, and I have nothing to worry about. The only moment that gives me anxiety is the thought of having to make my own tomato soup, having to open up a can by myself and potentially cutting a major artery with the electric can opener.

I can't take the risk of making my own tomato soup. I could burn my precious hands on the stove, or even spill scalding hot soup all over my skin and my favorite pair of jammies. The outside world sees me as a loafing disgrace, but this is my way of life. I have filed a disability claim with the government, and will soon be adequately supported by Obama care. I am confident that I will be able to order tomato soup every day.

Maybe I'm doing alright in this private paradise of mine. I have everything I need, with occasional interactions with the tomato soup delivery boy. One of the delivery boys is such a regular that he knows to leave the soup on the door mat. He knocks twice, and I slide a $10 bill under the door. I am afraid of rain getting in the house and ruining the floors. I honestly believe that I am the Wicked Witch of the West, and water will melt me. I avoid taking showers, and instead disinfect my entire body with rubbing alcohol.

My apartment is a mess, with piles of soup cartons. The smell of rotting, crusted tomato soup is taking over, but I am afraid to clean my apartment. It feels like those cartons are a part of me, and throwing them out would be like self-harming. At times, I am aware of the dark spiral that my life has become, but then I find comfort in my phone robot's voice. I don't feel alone. Comfortable in my jammy jam jammies, tummie filled with tomato soup... I can clean up this mess another day.

Tonight, we're dancing.

Miley Cyrus goes shopping with her trailer trash milf mom! Fun!

Carles — Mon, 14 May 2012 22:27:39 +0000

Miley! Tish! Yall are honestly THE BEST!

i CANNOT believe that Miley popped out of Tish's vagine over 18 years ago! But I guess she had PLENTY OF TIME to work off that baby preggers weight. I honestly wish my mom and I had a relationship like this where we could go out for brunch and then shop, but honestly I am not even sure who my biological mother is. I have heard rumors that I was a doorstep baby, a dumpster baby, and even a Taco Bell booth baby, which means I was abandoned in a Taco Bell. Maybe that explains why I feel at home whenever I'm in a Taco Bell, but it also might be the YUMMY Baja Blast Mtn Dew Soft drink.

What are yall going shopping 4? I rlly want to come next time! It would be fun to stop by Auntie Anne's Pretzels, pick up a soft pretzel, maybe a dessert cinnnammen and shugar one, or maybe even PRETZEL DIPPERS With a YUMMY dipping sauce. #TeamSauce

The mall is FUN! I wish I had friends to go with, but as for now, I'm still that morbidly obese woman who has to take advantage of the free scooters to get from one store to another. It is emberresing and ASS HOLE tweens takes pictures of me becuase of the human-to-scooter proportion.

Miley, bb! Why r u wearing mom jeans when u don't even have a FUPA 2 hide?

Call me up Tish and Miley!
Chaz Bono and Cher who? #TeamTishMiles

Beach House receives potentially OVERRATED 9.1 from Pitchfork. Is the buzz drought over?

Carles — Mon, 14 May 2012 18:24:07 +0000

http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/16604-beach-house-bloom/

Beach House's 'In Bloom' is out, even though I think it leaked like half a year ago [in the standard increment of 'blog years' time], so no1 is even excited for it. Every1 was all like 'this is totally gonna save 2k12.' However, we haven't seen very many memes from them (tv performances, music videos, Vicki LeGrant magazine spreads), so I am not really sure what they are waiting for. They are probably paranoid about seeming like they are 'trying too hard' to be relevant and authentic.

Anyways, p4k gave the album a 9.1 and BEST NEW MUSIC status. After listening to several low quality streams many months ago, it was clear that Beach House didn't 'recapture the magic' of Teen Dream. Instead, they just have a generic sound, and apply the 'formula' as if they are Coldplay. Sure, you can get caught up in the vibe, and mystique of Vicki LeGrand on the regs, but then it's all just Beach House. That's chill. Just writing those 'pretty', cryptic songs with vague enough lyrics for indiestreamers to project more meaning into them than actually exists.

Who even cares what the review actually says because it is probably one of those ones that uses the word 'ethereal', automatically discrediting the entire 'piece.'

This 9.1 is SHOCKING, especially now that most fringe buzzbands that used to get 8.3-8.6 now are ending up in the 6-7 range. There is clear indie favoritism and alternative tenure being factored into this score.

Experts are forecasting a ~9.5 for Vampire Weekend, who are rumored [Editor's Update: CONFIRMED] to play Pitchfork Music Festival this summer.

Did Beach House earn this score based on 'previous accomplishments'/branding?
Were u in2 this album?
Did Vicki LeGrand's curls earn a 9.1?

Is Beach House so historically 'underrated' that they have officially become 'overrated'?
Are Beach House 'indie legends', or is it the typical 'hot BB fronting a band' buzz, except over several album cycles?
Does this REALLY feel like the best album of 2k12, or is it missing something?

NSFW: Alice Glass spotted canoodling with a dead rat.

Carles — Mon, 14 May 2012 18:02:02 +0000

Oh Alice, bb...
Who is he?
Who is that dead rat?
He truly has the world at his rat finger tips...

The soft feeling of ur panty hose leggings
against his rat fur
panties
ur hoodie still on...

This is Level 1 Canoodling...
Tier 1 Buzz relationship status
Who is that alt rat?
Is he dead?
Does he support ur career?
Is he front row at all of ur shows, like a stage BF?

What I wouldn't give
to be a dead rat...
I would live my life with nasty diseases
covered in filth, searching for scraps of food

Just as long as it meant
I got 7 minutes in heaven
2 canoodle with u...
Captured in a relevant photograph...

****
R u jealous of the rat?
Is the rat dead or alive?
Is it Alice Glass's soulmate?
Do u wish u were a dead rat?
Are dead rats the ultimate alt BFs?
Are all men 'filthy rat pigs'?
R u worried abt Alice? #pray4Alice

I went to Coachella Weekend 5 [COMPLETE RECAP]

Carles — Mon, 14 May 2012 17:35:58 +0000

I keep going to Coachella. I'm not sure why. I've already been Weekend 3 AND Weekend 4. There wasn't a festival. I didn't even get out of the car. I ended up going to a local Wendy's. Have you ever been there?

It turns out they started serving breakfast. Things have changed a lot since Dave Thomas passed away. I'm not sure if he ever tasted the vanilla Frosty, but I'm sure it made him roll over in his grave. Anyways, breakfast wasn't that good. I am just not really into ciabatta bread, especially when it is offered as some sort of 'high end' bread 4 lamestreamers. My hashbrowns were cold. My eggs were too fake and my bacon might have been fake, too. Maybe I should have ordered a breakfast burrito, but I feel weird getting 'Mexican' food at American fast food restaurants. It's basically just the same food crammed into a lukewarm flour tortilla that tastes like paper.

I probably should have gone to a diner or a local place with premium choices. Maybe order an egg white omelet with fresh vegetables and a sensible meat portion. Avoid fried potatoes, maybe enjoy a small cup of oatmeal. One time I got oatmeal at McDonalds and it was terrible. Watery, undercooked oats in a cup of hot water.

I didn't see any bands, celebrities, or anything interesting. I ended up killing some time at Target and bought some socks. They were 3 for $12. I thought it was a good deal. I hope the elastic doesn't wear out.

Ugh.

PREVIOUSLY
Coachella Weekend 3 recap

coachella weekend 4 recap

Animal Collective names new album after Human Centipede

Carles — Mon, 14 May 2012 17:18:51 +0000

I am not sure who is actually 'still into' Animal Collective. Back in 2k9, every1 was creaming their pants about how they pushed art and music to the next level, transcending buzz and serving as the cornerstone for indie criticism. However, every1 might have been wrong, and it might be AnCo's fault for the buzz drought. Now, Animal Collective is back with a new album called Centipede HZ.

U have to wonder if the album is named after the popular, dark film 'Human Centipede,' the story of a kRaZiE doctor who sews some people's mouths 2 their asses, creating a centipede out of humans.

I will never go to Europe because I am convinced I will either end up in a HUMAN CENTIPEDE or in a HOSTEL [via horror movies].

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I wonder how inspired AnCo was by Human Centipede, like if they vibed super hard 2 that movie, then were like 'life is like a centipede... hz.'

Here is the tracklist, that has songs about weird stuff. I wonder if they will have a 'My Girls' level anthem, or even a 'Bro Sport.'

01 Moonjock
02 Today's Supernatural
03 Rosie Oh
04 Applesauce
05 Wide Eyed
06 Father Time
07 New Town Burnout
08 Monkey Riches
09 Mercury Man
10 Pulleys
11 Amanita

can AnCo recapture the glory?
Are they 'effed'?
Do u feel 'excited' about this album, or are we living in indie's past?
R u 'over' AnCo?
R u relieved that Deakin is back?

Do they look happie now?
Should Panda Bear 'go solo' or did he flop as a solo artist?
Should AnCo 'officially' become a jam band?
Is Human Centipede 'authentic' or overhyped horror porn?

NSFW: Mariah Carey shows off her RIDONKULOUS camel toe [MOOSE KNUCKLE ALERT]

Carles — Thu, 10 May 2012 20:50:13 +0000

Mariah BB! It honestly looks like a camel has its toe in ur private part region! Is that ur vagina? OMG! Say it ain't so, bb!

Well, honestly ur MOOSE KNUCKLE loks good bb... U can't go wrong with ANYTHING on Mariah's bangin bod. What can u say... Nick Cannon is a LUCKY guy for getting to IMPREGNATE her. Maybe he turned her vag area into a moose knuckle. What a lover! He DEFANATELY treats it like a LOVE MOUND.

It happens to the best of us... Sometimes my AXE WOUND gets hella swollen, too!

Honestly, I have been caught with many a-moose knuckles. My pants get so tight that my vagine lips are clearly distinguishable. It's embreerressing. It really is the only downside to stretchy comfy pants with elastic bands.

I REALLY need to get some sort of cod peice to protect me from camel toes. It's totes humiliating to have people laughing at u for having ur LABIA on display.

Close ur MEAT DRAPES, bb! That is honestly one HUNGRY CLAM! What a SLOT POCKET!
But at the same time, it looks like a yummy DINNER ROLL.

Whitney Houston who? #TeamMariah
U really know how to make that CROTCH WAFFLE look good, bb!

NSFW: Time Magazine puts child sucking a tit on their magazine cover

Carles — Thu, 10 May 2012 20:06:19 +0000

I love love LOVE reading Time Magazine. Well, I don't have a sub scription, but I DO love reading it when I sitting in a waiting room. I haven't been to the dentist in over 5 years, though. I am nervous that I will have to have my 3rd root canal and I don't even have insurance.

OMG! There's a kid sucking a tit on the cover! Now that's one hot momma! She has DEFANATELY lost her baby weight. I need to get on that regimen, even though I haven't had a baby yet. Hell, I'll probably never have a baby. My ex was so paranoid about getting me pregnant that he would make me 'morning after pill smoothies'. They were actually kinda yummy, but it was a tough pill to swallow to know that you were drinking an abortion.

Time Magazine NEEDS to be careful! I hope that kid is actually related to her, or else that might be K * D D* E P 0 _ N! I am afraid to type the real word! I wonder if he actually SUCKED on her CHA CHA, or if they used photoshop. I need to take a photoshop class so I can add another line to my resume. :-(

The lil kid actually reminds me of my ex. All he wanted to do was suck on my titties. It became SO unsexual, and it honestly just felt like some parasite was trying to suck me dry. Eventually, I lost all sensation in my nips because of him.

I'm gonna read u, Time Magazine!

Newsweek who? #TeamTimeMag
US News & World Report who? #TeamTimey

Earl Sweatshirt makes fake Samoa video to try to generate buzz for Odd Future

Carles — Thu, 10 May 2012 19:42:17 +0000

Earl Sweatshirt was never in Samoa. People who are 'insiders' in the industry know this. Basically, Odd Future wanted to make sure that Tyler the Creator got all the initial buzz, then when buzz was dying, they could bring back Earl Sweatshirt and say that he was in a foreign country for reasons that seemed 'deep and dramatic.' They basically took advantage of a nice, young man to build the overall Odd Future brand, launch 'swag lines' and 'get TV shows.'

Anyways, the Odd Future team recently made this documentary [via mockumentary] about Earl Sweatshirt's life in Samoa. It looks like it was filmed in a remote part of California, maybe at some cult's sacred jungle real estate. The video is really confusing because they take him to be interviewed at some radio station, even though he isn't famous in Samoa. It is all clearly an act, staged blog fodder to make white swag Odd Future tweens think that Earl Sweatshirt is 'deep.'

Earl Sweatshirt deserves to be angry at Odd Future management for keeping him hidden for a year. This isn't going to end well.

Was Earl ever freed, or is he still trapped in Odd Future?
Do u <3 or h8 Odd Future?
Is Earl Sweatshirt 'overrated'?
Was he just under house arrest in Southern California for a year?
R u tired of Odd Future swag buzz news?