In Pursuit of Being the Ultimate Bro: The Life Goal of Ashton Kutcher | Hipster Runoff

In Pursuit of Being the Ultimate Bro: The Life Goal of Ashton Kutcher

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, people of the interweb. Today we have done something incredibly special. We have shown the world that the new wave is here. It is present, and it is ready to explode. You guys are all of it, because I can't follow ME. I don't even count. There are a million people that need to be thanked for this, and they are not me, because I can't follow me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that you have invested your time and your energy into making this stand and making this sort of announcement to the world about the state of media. We can and will create our media.We can and will broadcast our media. We will censor our own media ourselves. We are over 1 million.

-Ashton Kutcher after getting 1 million followers on twitter

Sometimes I wonder what 'fame' buys you. I think in the past, it 'bought u distance' and u got 2 keep people away from u behind ur gated home in a gated community. But now I think that is 'frowned upon' or something, and you seem 'less human', therefore 'less marketable' as a personal brand to 'dumb people who believe that celebrities can be ur bro.' These days, celebrities are required to 'seem human' and 'do normal stuff' and 'reflect on it' in the same trivial ways that all humans do.

I read on the internet that Ashton Kutcher became the first bro to get 1 million followers on twitter, beating CNN in a heated battle that was also a metaphor for 'the state of the modern media landscape.' I had forgotten who 'Ashton Kutcher' even was. I remember he was the bro who brought the trucker hat to the mainstream bro population, and he had some show about 'PUNKing celebs,' and then he married some cougar named Demi Moore who I think was 'hella hot' before I was born.

Feel sad that Ashton Kutch is 'the face of twitter.' Hope twitter doesn't become a 'digital graveyard' like myspace. Felt sad after the 'twitter explosion' of 2k9. A bunch of other famous old people got on twitter [via oprah], and twitter officially became 'mainstream'/something that television 'journalists' reported as a 'story that was relevant.' Feel sad when my parents ask me 'what is _______? Do u have 1?'


Apparently, Ashton Kutcher 'did this all' in 'the name of malaria.' He is apparently trying to raise money for/against the disease. Feel like it is the equivalent of being in high school 'the cheerleading team' having a 'bake sale' to 'fight against cancer', and ur not really sure why, except u decided 2 buy a rice krispie treat and it tasted okay. It's hard for me to understand 'why' celebrities 'think that they have to use themselves as a platform' to 'make the world better.'

I think that Demi Moore made this commercial or something. Feel weird when I see these famous 'actors' and 'musicians' being 'themselves' and encouraging me 2 do something. Sort of wish they just stayed in-character and encouraged me to vote utilizing the voice of their most famous character. Like Tom Hanks telling me to vote, except he does it as Forrest Gump.

Just feels weird when celebs 'do something' that 'supports a cause.' Wish I could be a tween who joined twitter because of Ashton Brotcher, and then donated $10 to malaria. Not sure how I would ever verify that I am 'actually feeling' the feeling of 'making the world a better place.' Not even sure if that is a realistic 'feeling to strive for', but I think that people who are regarded as 'good' get some sort of intrinsic reward when they feel that feeling. I think that this might be the driving force behind the modern celebrity identity.

In general, celebrities are people with a 'limited education' who 'didn't really fit in during high school' (if they even went at all). Most celebrities feel comfortable living a life of 'excess' and 'not worrying about stuff too much.' But then there are those celebrities who 'want something more' and might start to feel guilty about their 'voice'/'position in society' [via their skewed perspective of where they sit in the world]. They look to 'cultivate meaning' by utilizing the only forces that they know--something that probably has to do with the celebrity gossip economy.

I feel sad that we are all 'trying to build a tribe' of followers on the internet. I feel sad that I cannot be the most popular bro on the internet. Much like in high school/college/etc., I have carved out an alternative niche for my online existence, accepting the fact that I am not 'famous', but still finding a tribe of people who 'get' me in a high-level way.

Apparently, there are probably people who are 'doing more' to 'make the world a better place' by doing stuff that we take for granted, like 'teachers' and 'people who work in science' and stuff like that. Feel 'glad that they are there' but still feel good 'taking them for granted' and 'living my own life like nothing bad will ever happen to me.' I start to feel angsty and threatened when a celebrity 'tells me I should care' because I think my 'education' and the 'extent to which I feel connected to an accurate version of reality/how-the-world-works' makes me post-eligible for 'being required to outwardly care' about the 'world getting better.' Not even really sure how 'money' works, and how 'donated money' gets to people who will 'use it' correctly.

More confused than ever.


I wonder what makes Ashton Kutcher so 'appealing.' I feel like he is 'a less talented, more directly handsome' version of Justin Timberlake. What he lacks in 'good ideas' and 'self-awareness', he makes up for with 'raw energy.' If I were the head of some creative studio or agency, and Ashton Kutcher came to me with 'a great new idea', it would be hard for me to turn him down. I would want to be his bro.

It is also weird when celebrities 'actively use the internet.' I feel like 'fucking around on the internet' is a cost-effective solution for people who are insignificant and don't really have THAT much money. I think that we 'get jacked up' when we find out that a celebrity personality 'reads blogs' or 'has a twitter', but I feel more comfortable when a celebrity 'maintains his/her brand' and doesn't have the need to 'tell people that his/her kids just woke them up in the middle of the night.'
I want celebrities to be 'more than human.'
I want 'fame' to 'mean something' again.

Ashton Kutcher makes us wonder what we all want, because theoretically, he 'has it all.'

  • A wife who is considered 'really hot' [via Striptease & Ghost]
  • 'fame'/'celebrity'
  • perception of bro-ness
  • 1 million followers on twitter
  • people 'thinking ur funnie'
  • being perceived as 'some1 who cares about the world.'
  • feeling like ur compelling enough for people 2 want 2 follow the smallest memes that come out of ur mouth/mind/butt hole
  • Being considered a 'beacon of cool' by people who are older, and more out of touch with 'youth culture' and 'technology'
  • a macbook of some sort, probably.


What do 'celebrities' want?
How do u feel about celebrities perceiving themselves as a resource that is as valuable as a website, social network, mineral, or other essential human need?
How do celebs cultivate 'meaning' in their lives'? Do u feel like they have to do something that 'makes them feel like less of a celebrity'?
What is 'the price' of fame?
Is twitter mainstream?
Is twitter 'bullshit'?
Is facebook twitter?
Is Ashton Kutcher 'the ultimate bro'?
Do u think Ashton Kutcher knows what a 'meme' is?
What can I do to feel like my internet existence is 'meaningful'?
How can I be more than just a meme that generates memes within the context of social tools?
What is 'the media'?
Will Ashton Kutcher replace the CNN channel on my television?
Will Ashton Kutcher ever be in a 'serious role'? [via the Butterfly Effect]

Who r u?
What r u all about?
Do u have a stream of content 'worth following'?
Can u follow u?

"I CANNOT FOLLOW ME"
-Ashton Kutcher, 2009

U cannot follow u.
But u can be urself
and hope others follow.

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