One day, u will observe their relationship in an authentic local coffee shop. U will listen to one of their conversations. They will sound like tweens, making requests for ‘a new Apple book Pro’, anxiousness about their major in French/ Marketing / Fashion / General Design, and talk about ‘being excited’ about ‘going to a concert’ that they think will make them more authentic. Feel weird when you run into this couple doing cliched things like ‘thrifting’, ‘going to a record store and buying records’, ‘reading books/cliched novels in public’, and ‘going Vespa shopping.’ These couples are the kind of couples who actually ‘make future plans together’, and ‘relocate to THE CITY’ together without ‘using it as an excuse to break up.’

Sort of jealous of high level alt bag couples. Feel like both members of the party are usually ‘very handsome’ in some sort of ‘i look beautiful’ way. Not sure if they ‘have good sex.’

It makes me sad because all I can ever day are ‘entry level alts’ who date me to ‘feel cooler’ and ‘get a new snarky perspective on life.’ Or just ‘crazy rich mediocre suburban girl’ alts, who are only ‘alt’ because they couldn’t ‘fit in’ with the mainstream crowd during high school/’pay for friends’ and join a sorority. Feel sad when all of these girls sort of ‘fail’ in their quest for ‘meaning’ in life. Feel sad that altbros can’t give women the love and attention that they truly need.

All I ever wanted was a high level altbaguette.
Feel like we’re doomed. Not sure if 2 people are supposed 2 be together.’

“I believe in a thing called love, yall.” – the Darkness

Are there any high level alt couples in ur local scene who ‘don’t have any friends’ but are ‘always around’ that u are able to stalk?

Plz justify your answer to receive full credit.
For example: “He is a RyanAdamsAltBag bc he is trying to look like he is from the authenticSouth, even tho he lives in Seattle.”
OR “He is a regular bag bc RyanAdamsBags don’t let their hair get that long.”

[Photo by TheFader]

[Photo by Glam Canyon]

Ryan Adams has a effectively coBranded himself with a little bit of quirky Southern Dressiness. That’s why I can’t really handle it when AltBags choose to simulate the Ryan Adams aesthetic. I feel like implementing the Ryan Adams aesthetic is kind of like the alternative equivalent of when mainstreamers put on a white or blue button-down ‘going out’ shirt and some frayed wide-legged jeans + funnie shoes.

These specialized altBags attempt to take advantage of their small frame, defined jaw, long-ish hair, and the opportunity to ‘dress more authentic than alts who wear American Appy.’ The Southern aesthetic is often a misused branding tool for people who are in search of conveying authenticity.

<3 kids from the suburbs who dress like they are from a Quirky Farm <3

The real Ryan Adams (utilizing quirky glasses/authentic leather jackets)

The real Ryan Adams (utilizing Southerny shirts + non-skinny-jeans jeans [rare bootcut implementation])

The Real Ryan Adams (utilizing post-fashionable sunglasses + head2toe denim)

Do u know an altBag in your community who utilizes the tools of Ryan Adams to differentiate from being ‘just another altBro consumer brick in the wall’?
Do u know any other celebrity examples of altBros / altBags who need 2 be pointed out as leading men for alternative demographics?

If u were a bag, would u rather be a RyanAdamsBag or a ‘I’m Probably In a Punk Rock-ish Band’ Bag?

[Photo by Glam Canyon]

Or maybe just the standard model of the AltBag, which comes in the Tragic McHumbleVainBag model (whose parents still support him financially because without their money, he wouldn’t be able to live in the authentic part of town + have a meaningful lifestyle).

[Photo by Glam Canyon]

Some altBags are altBags because of the way they are on the inside.
Most altBags are altBags because of the way they attempt to look on the outside and what they don’t have on the inside.

What do yall think?

(*)note: For those of u who failed ur alternative logic course, here is the definition of altBGGT.
AltBGGT = AltBag + FGGT

or “The sillie manchild in the picture is an altBro because only an entry level would wear th0se glasses.’

What do yall think?

AltBags can usually leave their altBro status behind when they pursue ‘a better life’ (on various levels) and/or try to become an alternative entreprenuer, capitalizing off their local/global scenes. Most of the world’s most successful alternative entrepreneurs have ascended into AltBag status. Whether they are a designer, DJ, AZN DJ, party pic taker, or altWebMagazineBlog founder– the altBag personality type is sometimes necessary to have a mentally-tough personal brand to withstand the trials and tribulations of being a public figure. On the flipside, some altBags are solitary alts, with no circle of friends beyond His altDiva GF.

However, most altBags are not successful. Most altBags are the post-AltBros in your local scene who are very difficult to take seriously, even though they appear to be taking themselves very seriously. Usually, they dress like an alternative version of the Jonas Brothers, utilizing an array of plaid, fancy/vintagey jackets, and avoidance of anything that looks ‘too American Apparelly.’ They spend money on higher end clothes and/or take time to find [HIGHLY THRIFTED] clothes.

AltBags are more than just AltBros.

[Photo by thecobrasnake]

AltBags take themselves 100% seriously. Their personal brands will last forever. They are generally between ages 24-30, since it takes a certain level of maturity to be an AltBag. You must be at a point where you were kind of forced into taking your alternative existence seriously.

[photo by Lastnitesparty]

AltBags sometimes manage to find an aloof altDiva. They are both relatively disconnected from modern trends, but still manage to have an intimidating presence on their FB/Myspace profiles & in person.

[Photo by Lastnightspary]

AltBros could transition their personal brands back to being relatively mainstream. However, altBags are ALT4LIFE. This AltBag Blipster is Alt4Life. His personal brand is set 4 life.

[Photo by thecobrasnake]

Being an ALTBAG is not always an insult. Some of the world’s most successful alternative entrepreneurs can be classified as altBags. Mark “Cobrasnake” Hunter is a good example of how altBags are either 0% zany, or 100% authentic zany. AltBags cannot be contrived-zany-core.

[Photo by the selby]

There are numerous altBags featured in this video. The various AltBags in this video include a party pic bro, a promoter, and various DJs/musicians. These altBags are truly passionate about their scene. AltBags can sometimes have self-important concepts of their place in alternative society, which makes it difficult for the socially conscious to take them seriously.

[video may not be viewable in ur RSS reader]

Another great video example of an AltBag is the guy named JUAN from the Pitchfork.TV series “Juan’s Basement.” Basically, bands come to play in this bro’s basement, and he acts how you would expect an altBag to act if a buzzworthy band came to hang out. He establishes an authentic connection with the band, making it clear to observers that he is truly ‘down’ with the band by joking with them/being the bro who ‘is interested in them like no1 else is bc he is a true fan AND true friend.’

[video may not be viewable in ur RSS reader]
<3 busting balls <3

Do u know any altBags in your local scene? Have you ever encountered an alternative celebrity who acted like the biggest altBag? Are altBags driven to make money off alternative markets, without always ‘getting’ the alt zeitgeist? However, some of the most successful altBag entrepreneurs accidentally stumble into an ‘ironic niche’ where they took themselves so seriously that it was impossible to believe that they were being serious, creating a portal in which their brand was fun to follow/make fun of (a.k.a. BUZZWORTHY). Do u have any important qualifications to add to the definition of ALTBAG?
////Welcome to the altBag era!////