I can't take it any more.
It seems as though my alternative relationship has run its course, and now mainstream forces like jealousy, envy, and communication issues have finally done us in. Our entire relationship has culminated in a 'final showdown' in public, and it will be difficult for me to even show my face in public ever again. We have always had digital privacy issues, and it finally turned into a full-scale fight when I changed my email password, then tweeted at this cute looking girl with the hashtag #hornie4u, even though it was just an inside joke.
I guess when you are in a relationship, you are only allowed to have inside hashtag jokes with one person, or maybe a few select bros. But maybe I wanted this to happen. It hasn't been working for a long time. It was only a matter of time before my alternative relationship imploded and/or exploded.
Maybe it's not supposed to work out between an altbro and an entry-level alt. Maybe a bro and a baguette just can't make it work. I remember how fun things used to be in the beginning. We'd go to shows, dive bars, and crash VIP areas together, thinking that we were taking on the world. We used to GO OUT, we were the fun couple that every one wanted to party with. When I got into this relationship, I knew that she was a passionate hot-head, but I liked that about her. It really backfired.
Now, we don't do anything. We don't even have the heart to say to eachother that our scene is dead, and most of our clothes are dated and/or really cheese. These days, we'll just stay in and watch Netflix Instant Streaming, hiding from the world. We used to think the world was ours, but now, we're afraid to face the world. We're afraid to look at each other in the eyes and see the faces of formerly relevant human beings who never did anything other than 'be alt.'
We had been so convinced that the things we shared on the internet made us who we were, but now it feels like all those memes, think pieces, and indie news were all just a lie. It honestly feels as if our relationship was created on a foundation of consumer-curated cultural identity that never even existed.
We're just 20somethings, searching 4 our free-spirited, creative, alternative career. That can put a lot of stress on a relationship. I want to be supportive, but what if being supportive means giving my partner somewhat deflating, mainstream advice, encouraging them to 'conform' to society in order to buy nice things.
This pain, frustration, and anger that I feel comes from losing some one who I used to genuinely care about: myself. You used to make me feel like myself, but now, I have nothing. I am nothing. Our shared reality has come to a close, and I feel resentful, but excited to create a new 'me' without your worldview or insecurities.
Please stop yelling. It doesn't have to be this way. I swear, what I said to her meant nothing. And that I will always love you. But this just isn't working out.
Why are we so angry?
Why does it feel like the world is ending?
Why do I care so much abt this person?
Should I just go to technical school?
Do I just want to cum inside of people?
Does it always end this way?
Would we be able to make it if we were just mainstreamers?
This is the end of my Meaningful Alternative Relationship.
We could've had it all.
Photo by Last Nights Party
'The numbers just aren't adding up,' said my best friend, who recently became my business partner in a joint alt venture. We were really good friends, but at the same time, being in business together changed our relationship. We barely even hang out any more. I could hear the tension in his voice. We thought it was a really good idea, emerging markets, new media, old media, building a tribe, getting the word out on social media, reaching consumers both on the internet, and in real life. It was fool proof. We were basically going to be printing buzz money, opening up our own buzz mint. The trouble was, despite all of the buzz, the blog press, the decent turnouts, the merch, the meetings, the important emails, the time we met that famous & successful person who said they liked what we were doing, we were still ONLY making buzz dollars.
I guess I was wrong. Maybe it was a bad idea to start a buzzband / record label / blog / viral meme blog / aggregator of memes / party promotion firm / PR firm / online video series / site on the internet that changes the way that we interpret journalism / diy venue space / playhouse / mumblecore film collective / documentary film series / alt non-profit scam / party photo website / cassette tape label / online design company / microblogging service / alt-fundraising website / vintage store / online vintage store / t-shirt making company / art gallery space / booking agency / food truck / vegan restaurant / creative agency / zine / magazine / alt comedy troupe / [miscellaneous alt venture].
We met with my dad's friend, who was an accountant, and he told us every thing that we needed to get together in order to formalize our business. The truth was, taking a look at our business led us to realize that we weren't making any REAL money. It was a tough spot to be in. I second guessed all of our decisions. The time we printed flyers on glossy colored paper instead of just using a DIY copy machine. The time we hired my friend who is a designer to design our website but he overcharged us and left us with a broken website. The time I borrowed my mom's credit card to fly us to an important music and interactive conference in order to make connections, but we just ended up partying. Although it has been a wild ride, maybe the ride is pulling up to the final terminal. Not even a golden alt calculator could solve this mess. It was truly shaping up to be an Enron-level alt financial conspiracy.
He asked me, "Do you realize that we have never actually made money?"
It was at that moment that I realized that I didn't actually have an alt business. I was paying to have an identity. Sure, my twitter follower count was admirable, and I did have things to do every night of the week, but what was I really paying for? A mediocre presence in an alternative scene? I struggled to understand what I was trying to become a part of, an undying alt spirit that desperately wanted to contribute something to a community that might not even exist.
"I'm out. This is too much. I'm getting my old job back at my dad's company," said my friend.
I wasn't upset that he was leaving. This whole operation was my idea, anyways, and most of his ideas were super unoriginal and lame. I knew how to keep things authentic. But maybe keeping things authentic wasn't making any more and bringing in new clients, new visitors. In fact, I wasn't actually sure what we DID. But I was confident that I could figure it out on my own and utilize my tribe to get the word out that we were doing something different.
I thought about the first days of the business when we would just sit around on the internet and chat about how awesome things were going to get for us. VIP parties, tons of money, press, notoriety, validation from the scene, validation from our parents--we would have EVERYTHING. But maybe it was time to realize that this was never going to happen. The numbers just weren't adding up.
On days like today, I had to wonder if my entire alternative social experience misled me, leading me to a place where I had nothing to my name. No money, no alt fame, and just a bunch of connections with a bunch of other people who were pretending to be successful, just like me. Don't get me wrong, this was a valuable existence, and even if I have to begin a new venture, I am confident that it will work out because this experience exposed me to the harsh realities of what it takes to get an alt business off the ground and over the hump. But do I have the energy to do this again? Maybe I'm just not an alternative entrepreneur.
Was my alternative business a mistake?
It was just one of those days where you felt like ________ had everything, and you had nothing.
Photo via the cobrasnake
Molly has completely taken over my life.
She makes me feel like no other.
I feel like I'm addicted to Molly
She's taken over my system.
I'll never be able to see the world the same again after Molly
She makes me feel alive
She makes colors brighter
She turns sounds into shapes
Molly finds a way to make everything feel better.
Molly and I do everything together
We'll go to raves
We'll go to the movies
We'll sit around the apartment, listening to dubstep
Watching a cool light machine that we bought at the drug paraphernalia store at the mall
We'll stay up all night, then go out to breakfast
Molly is everything to me.
No one has opened me up quite like Molly has
She makes me unafraid to dance
Unafraid to smile
Unafraid to live
I grab her by the ass on the dance floor
and look into her eyes
and I kiss her
yeah... her sex is on fire. :-)
Molly makes me feel like I am rolling in the deep... in a good way
There will never be another one like Molly
Sometimes I worry that she'll run out on me one day
Sometimes I worry that she belongs to every one else
But then when I get Molly all to myself
All of my worries disappear.
There is no1 like Molly
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I just sit in darkness to try to get her out of my head
But then I realize that Molly is everything.
We'll curl up into a little ball and pretend we are amoeba
Molly can be so much sometimes.
I have to remember to drink water when I'm around her
She has a way of dehydrating me
Taking over my sensory system
I don't know how u do it to me
But u do it for me
And I want to be on Molly all the time now
A life without Molly is not a life worth living.
Molly. I'm in love with u.
I <3 Molly.
Do u <3 Molly?
Photo via Brooklyn Vegan
I gotta a feeling...
that 2nite's gonna be a good nite...
that 2nite's gonna be a Black Eyed Pea-esque nite...
That 2nite's gonna be a bro bro nite
"Yeah, me and Randy will be by to pick you guys up at 7."
///and then we're gonna grind the fuck out of yall at da club
"Yeah, we're borrowing Randy's Dad's Beamer. Hells yeah!"
///and then we're gonna grind the fuck out of yall at da club
"Randy bro...U think we'll get lucky 2nite?"
"I am a firm believer in creating destiny."
"What does that mean, Randy?"
"Tonight we're going hard."
"Should I raid my dad's liquor cabinet?"
"Fuck yeah! Get the flavored vodka. We'll mix it into Icees from 7-11"
"We are fucking geniuses."
"Our bitches are gonna go HARD with us."
"Nothin's gonna stop us... Nothin's gonna stop us now."
So there we were
Grinding the eff out of our broads
Grinding my hard lil peen
in2 the middle of her back/butt cheeks
and Randy was right...
We were creating our own destiny
I looked over at Randy, grinding so hard
In complete hornie tween ecstasy
And we Eiffel Towered the fuck out of our bitches
We were pimp ass mack daddies
We went back to a motel on the outskirts of town
and made love 2 our women
on neighboring queen beds in the same room
It was a good nite for me and Randbro...
A real good, good nite...
"Nothing's gonna effing stop us now."
Sometimes I wonder
Does 'alt' even exist n e more?
What happened 2 'counterculture'?
Did it die bc we thought it was a global scene connected on the internet
and now the internet is mnstrm?
How do we survive being on the last chapter of a trend cycle?
Will the next generation of 'self-aware tweens' be interested in 30 year old 'indie' bands?
What will their definition of 'alt' be?
Where will they find channels of 'independent' music
that isn't just some FGGT on youtube posting lame ass shit?
Where have all the alts gone?
I'm not sure where & when this 'diagram' is from
but it feels like it is some Forever 21/Hot Topic shit
Do bros like this even exist in the wild n e more?
Has 'the cultural movement' that is 'the internet' just turned into tweenbashing
& producing meme lists that make us say
'I can't believe we are so old, yall!'
Do all bitches dress the same now?
I guess this is just how bros look.
Where did all the bros who dressed like this '4 real' go?
In 2k13, can we rediscover how 2 be alt 4 the love of being alt?
Is 'indie' / alt = over?
Is 2k13 the last year of indie culture?
What happened 2 pure alts? Are they homeless?
Is it time 2 give up on the myth of 'the creative class'?
Did indie 'officially' end in 2k12?
Do u evr wonder what's left 2 document abt the indie/hipster/alt era?
Do u have good or bad credit?
'Is this it?'-The Strokesies
Photo via @Atrak
I remember when bros 'went mainstream'
Every1 was all like 'Bro Bro Bro McBroBro'
but then 'bros' sorta went out of style
Now every bro is being all #menswear
And all the young bros are trying 2 be #swag
Every1's trying to look like a catalog model
Give it up, bros
We all know that u will never be as bro as this bro
The ultimate effing bro
That is srsly 1 helluvabro
2 much bro for 1 tank top
U have to wonder if he is 'too bro'
to be wearing 'rave gear'
But maybe he is like 16 years old
just broin' out
I miss the Glory Days of Bros
When culture underwent a true broliferation
Now, after so much #Bro_shaming
Bros can't just be bros the way that they used to
But maybe we can learn something from this bro
That bros live on
Bros will live forever
Especially when a bro can bro this hard.
We miss the era of the Bro
Where have all the bros gone?
Perhaps they have turned into men
and now we can't tell the tween from the bro
or the bro from the post-tween
or the post-tween from the tween
or the tween from the bro
or the bro from the bro
Are Bros Dead?
Will bros live on forever in the bodies of built lamestreamers?
Do u wanna get #swole?
Where have all the bros gone?
All I evr wanted
were 4 walls and adobe slabs
not even 4 my girls
just 4 me
I voted for Obama bc I thought he'd give me and extra $1000/year
I think he did
but maybe I spent it on dank and booze.
I don't fuggin know
Goddammit I hate this shitty place
I'm embarrassed to bring any1 but my best bros over
who live in equally shitty apartments
I can't even bring a BB home unless she is underaged and stupid
or just a total zoner on tons of drugs
I wish my parents hadn't cut me off
I wish I had a job that wasn't in the service industry/retail
I wish I had everything
I wish my friend's touring band went back on tour
so I could sell merch and sublease
My landlord is a filthy slumlord
Almost evicted me because I didn't pay rent
I'm good for it, man. C'mon.
Just give me another day or two
What am I even paying for?
Even legitimately poor ppl
have more than I do
I need to learn how to work the system
I am just an altbro
stuck in this horrible space.
Filthy, broken down, piece of shit, drug den neighbors
always having sex
shower gets clogged from needle drug users who live above me
I am alone.
Fuck it all, man
I don't have anything
This place is a shit hole
This is my shit hole
I've created my own prison [via shit hole]
I hate my landlord.
This is not a lifestyle.
This does not feel alt. It feels like I am a poor.
Not even a legitimate poor should live here.
I wish I knew who my city councilman is.
I would write a letter, or something.
Do u or some1 u know live in a shitty apartment? Tell us abt the horrible vibes.
Photo by WeirdMagic.biz
Where have all the altbros gone?
Searching 4 u
in a new sea of swag bros
Altbros used to be every where.
Maybe they've grown into alternative men
Maybe younger, swagger generations have eliminated the altbro.
Go to the mall and purchase ur #SWAG, son.
There's one thing you'll never be able 2 buy:
Bros will evolve
but alt will nvr die
Last AltBro standing
LORD OF THE ALTBROS
Altbros, Altbros, Altbros
I miss them
Remember when they used to put on Am Appy and dance 2 bloghouse?
This bro is not swag at all
He is just trying to be alt [circa 2k8]
Altbros grew into men
wearing men's wear
Trying to look all 'rich'/well-dressed/'modern'
Shopping at effing J. Crew
Thinking they are all ABOVE Am Appy
Dressing like they are in a period piece set in the present
Presented commercial free by Old Spice
U used to be a bro
Don't try to hide it with #menswear
Showing off yr entry-level paycheck's extra income
When u should be saving it 2 buy real estate
instead of caring what ppl think abt u based on how u look still
U'll never grow up even though u 'dress like a grownup'
and hang out at craft breweries
I miss the purity of the altbro.
So young, so naive
Maybe all we'll ever be is contemporary.
But for one last moment, I found the Waldo of AltBros
a metaphorical symbol
sorta like when the Injuns and the honkies accidentally killed all the buffalo
Friggin swag bros
Wearing ur goddamn tanktops
Swagbros just ruining everything
trying to make it look like big thangs are effin popping
Altbros used to wear hoodies that didn't have any swag
just early model Am Appy shit
Fuckin Swag ruined everything
Now all these tweens are dressing all swag like they 'get' culture
Teen Mom ass bullshit
Altbros used to be this weird offshoot of post-emo bros and post-post-hardcore bros
who were searching for an indie sensibiltie
but also wanted to D.A.N.C.E. if the vibes were relevant enough
Maybe the altbros have 'lost their edge'
to the swag post-tween bros
and the post-altbro #menswear post-bros who shop at JCrew
and buy expensive shoes
and look in the mirror and are all like 'I look s0 Mad Men right now'
In this photograph, I see altbros. There is no swag, there are no men.
While the alt might be hella failed, at least they are trying
trying 2 be altbros
[via 'remember hipster scarves?']
I miss the AltBros.
Where have all the altbros gone?
I will find u again, Where's W_AltBro
I will find myself again.
Summer is in full swing. Many ppl are having a chill, fun ass time. But others can't help but NOT have a good time because of harshed vibes due to a widespread men's attire epidemic.
Welcome to SUMMER: Rise of the Tank Top Bro.
So many bros wearing tanktops, it's just like 'WTF is going on?' The vibes are often harshed by bros in tank tops, just broing out with their arms out... literally. Just yesterday I was at an outdoor hang, and some bro rolls up on a bike, in a tank top, drinking a tall boy, and I can't help but think to myself, "Who the eff does this bro think he is? Why doesn't he have to wear sleeves? Is he above wearing even short sleeves?"
Tank Tops were invented in the late 1920's when an apparel company learned that there was a market for shirts without sleeves on them due to the rising summer heat. However, when tanktops were invented, no one could have forecasted the alternative infestation of Tank Top Bros. As our digital society has evolved, many people attempt overcompensate with outdoor vibes as they return outside, making it seem like they
Tank Tops are sold at a wide variety of retailers, without any restrictions on who gets to purchase them. This is truly a dangerous society where bros who shouldn't be wearing tank tops can purchase tank tops, and go on a tanktopping spree in any public location. We live in danger of being TankTopBro'd any time we go outside.
The question is: Have #tankTopBros gone too far?
Tank Top Bros just want to vibe outdoors, maybe hit up a barbecue. They claim it is hot outside. Some ride bikes, letting the summer sun pound down upon their arms. They arrive at music festivals, letting the sounds of the buzzbands hit their naked arms. They go out for a cold beer on a hot summer night at a relevant alt dive bar.
They are not wearing sleeves.
This has to be some sort of health hazard. No one ever intended for #tankTopBros to become this prevalent. Showing off their tats, thinking they are the kewlest effing dudes in the world. Just a bunch of Ryan Ass Gossling Ass wannabes.
They claim that wearing tank tops is not a choice, but a seasonal lifestyle. They claim it's just so darn hot outside. Others claim that 'buff bros' enjoy showing off their 'swole ass arms.' Some experts say that the rise in tank top bros has a lot to do with the global warming problems. The Earth gets hotter, ice caps melt, oceans rise, and soon, sleeves will become extinct.
Do you want to live in a world with only #TankTopBros, vibing around like their pits don't stink?
Have Tank Top Bros gone 2 far?
Do girls think tanktops on bros are #sexie?
Do tanktopbros have 2 do manscaping?
Do #tankTopBros smell?
Do Tank Top Bros avoid pit stains?
Are Tank Tops for Urby Outfitty tweens?
Have Tank Top bros gone 2 far, ruining the pure summer vibes by showing off 2 much of their bodies?
IS the only good #TankTopBro a dead #TankTopBro?
Do bros let bros wear tank tops?
Have u seen n e #TankTopBros in ur local scene?
Can Chill Anywhere
We are at the pinnacle of bro
The apex of swag
The swaggacle swagpex of swag bros
These bros are us
How hard can u chill?
Chilling straight on 2 an NBA roster
Vibing on the bench
Broing down a Sugar Free Red Bull and Vodka
Can u chill with the pro bros 82 games a year?
U think this is a chill, but u have no idea
Haters need not apply
Because yall already turned yalls swag off
Oh! The Swagsanity
Of 2 bros knowing how 2 chill harder than any1 on the planet
Vibing in designer jean jackets
Courtside is 4 straight pussie
Join the team
#PJs -private jets
#HT - hashtags
#CBs - ChillBros
#SABANGS - Swag Ass Bros Ain't Neva Gonna Stop
They see me trending
Trying 2 catch me chillin drrty
Chillin so hard it must be illegal
Praying 4 Metta World Peace
He h8 me
As Swag As It Gets
U can take the Bro out of Antarctica
But u can't take the Chill Bro out of the Bro
getting on the #g6 #pj
chillin all round da world
transcending area codes, time zones, zip codes
U think u swag, but u have no chill-dea
Swag. We Out.
No Questions. Just answers.
What kind of bro r u?
A festival bro?
A mnstrm bro?
A transcendent bro?
I see ur 'HIPSTER SHIRT'
providing commentary on
'what ppl wear 2 music festivals'
the state of the modern retail space
and individual pressure on ppl 'to be alt'
Chill shirt, bro
But at the same time, it is kinda entry-level
Maybe u 'don't get it'
and ur just vibing in that shirt 2 get some LOLs
get some girls 2 talk 2 u
Maybe end up on an alt blog
on ur effing 'hipster shirt'
Way 2 meme it up
at a music festivval
Who was standing at the front of the Deerhunter show at the Apple Store?
Who got his face rocked the fuck off?
Who got the set list?
Who got Bradford Cox's autograph?
Who is going to sell that shit on eBay for mad bank?
Or will this bro hang this on the wall of his college dorm room
Next to a photograph of Bradford Cox?
This bro will preserve the authenticity of the setlist
Perhaps get it laminated
Take it to a memorabilia appraiser
And they will tell him
'This is worth millions of blog dollars, hold on to that one. It is a rare gem that will not be replicated again. It represents ur proximity to the show, and the unique experience
So many other tools herded around Bradley
But I am the most authentic bro
Who 'gets' why Deerhunter got a 9.2
I told Brad that they had a great set
and he seemed to really believe me
like my brand was legit, so it wasn't just an empty compliment
He said he would have liked to hang out, but they had another commitment
so I know we are I.R.L. bros
Just glad I have my set list
feeling way more authentic than every1 else who went to the Apple Store 2 see Deerhunter
(Note: Picked up a new iPad on my way out)
Is 'getting the set list' for entry levelers?
Is 'getting the autograph' of an indie band 'worthless'?
Are autographs worth anything any more?
Do u have the autograph of any1 famous? R u thinking abt selling it on eBay?
Are indie singers 'legit famous'?
In a previous ALT REPORT post, 2 entry level QTs vlogged about what kind of bro they are looking for in a significant other [link]. The girls idealized some sort of alt-leaning bro, who was really cool, wore cool clothes, cuddled, and a lot of other unrealistic concepts that alternative bros aren't that in2.
What are you looking for in an alt broad?
A pushover? Some1 to play mindgames with?
Some1 without an identity that u can manipulate?
What is ur ideal broad like?
Is it 'mean' / demeaning 2 call a woman a 'broad'? Is 'dude' the male equivalent?
Do u want broads who do coke?
Broads who can Haaaang?
Really Slutty broads?
Designated Driver broads?
Broads who don't make u wear a condom?
Are these bros 'alt' or are the just bro bros?
Are John "Chill Murray" Zongrone and Josh "Chillenium Y2k" Seiler authentic bros?
Do u think these bros should hook up with the initial "entry level QT" vloggers? [link]
If u r a bro, what is ur ideal partner like?
Do u want a beautiful, independent woman, or just a human with a warm, wet place to put your penis in?
Are alternative bros 'lewd' and 'disgusting'?
Don't own a TV, but I like to 'catch up on what is relevant' by watching youtube, hulu, and vimeo.org. I recently saw that MTV started another zany show called "How to be Tight." I think it is supposed to be some sort of mix of Jackass, MADE, Jersey Shore, Real World, The Hills, Singled Out, True Life, and Undressed. Really dig MTV programming because I feel like it 'really defines our generation' and gives us an amazing perspective to look in2 the real issues of young people: partying, drugs, and teens getting pregnant.
Do u think "How To Be Tight" will 'catch on' and get picked up for season 2?
The show revolves around a bro name Chazz who 'kills it.' Seems to be a spoiled, yet bad ass, rich LA post-hipster bro dude. He basically cruises around town, picks up babes, does sweet stuff. In episode 2, he tries to get a record deal by working with a sweet DJ/producer. Just a pretty chill bro who 'kills it' / 'sleighs' all the g-d time.
Really want to go to LA and 'chase my dreams.' Just wanna live on the golden coast/best coast. Feel like if every1 is like this, I will 'feel right at home' like a bro in a sea of authentic bros.
Do u think Chazz seems like a chill bro? Feel like it was a 'grower', but the show 'came into its own' during Episode 3.
Do u think Chazz 'looks like James Murphy?
Do u want to know how 2 be tight?
Do yall h8 LA bros?
Is MTV 'killing it' with their new programs?
Do u want to give Chazz bro a handjob?
Do u know how I can be tighter?
Do u h8 'groups of bros' who make 'web shorts'?
Does Chazz know how to ride chillwaves, or is he 'too mainstream'?
It's great to have a girlfriend
2 go home 2 every night
and 'get my fuck on' with
But sometimes I am 2 hornie 4 my own good
need 2 'get off' OnDemand
Go out to the club
get an 'uncontrollable hard on'
I turn into an animal
who just needs to rub my peen on something
until 'cum' comes out.
Like an animal who doesn't even know what it means 2 'be hornie'
but at the same time
knows all 2 well about 'being in heat.'
Grinding on my GF 'doggy style'
Bending her over
peen between butt cheeks
2 hornie 4 my own good
want to stay young 4evr
worried abt growing old + experiencing erectile dysfunction
They were the best of times
They were the worst of times
They were the horniest of times
-humans after yall [via HUMAN AFTER YALL [link]]
What is the most alternative sexual position?