HIPSTER RUNOFF

Photo by Weird Magic dot biz

One day, I will be a cool dad, and I will insist on my offspring being exposed to the same content/media that I was exposed to in order to make them feel more relevant/cultured. I will take my son to a dive bar. I will take my son to a relevant music festival. I will make sure my son gets 'shitfaced' in VIP, drinking free vodka/beer. I will make sure that my son checks a series of internet blogs every day and harvests the correct MP3s. I will browse his iTunes library, double checking for 'buzz errors' more closely than I check his math homework.

I can't wait to be a cool dad / free-spirited alt mom.
I can't wait to harvest a relevant child. It seems easier than harvesting a relevant buzzband.

However, what if things go wrong? What if I take my child to a music festival, and they have a shitty time? What if they h8 me, they h8 what I'm all about, and find some 'kewl, new counterculture' that represents something cooler, and fresher than my content-stream? What if I take them to see the Arcade Fire 30th reunion concert at Madison Square Garden, and they fall asleep because it is boring? What if

Feel sad abt growing older.
I am not scared of the mainstream challenges of parenthood
Changing Diapers, memorizing multiplication tables, lessons in social + environmental responsbility
Worried that my generation's window of cultural tastemaking is closing
We only have 2 more years left to harvest buzzbands, then we will be stuck celebrating the same pool of relevant buzzbands from 2k4-2k14 for the next 50 years.

"If the children don't grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms turnin' every good thing to
rust.
I guess we'll just have to adjust." -Win Butler

Will probably just turn into a psychologically abusive parent, and my disconnected relationship with modern culture will have a huge impact on my son:
"Get your goddamn fingers out of your ears. Listen to this shit. We waited all day to get to the front. I spent $300 on a 3-day pass 4 u, and there wasn't a kiddie pass. Listen to this music. Do you know how buzzworthy this band was on their first album? Do u know how to appreciate buzzbands? Listen, I know they might not be as cool as the bands you like, but this band is undeniably good. You see, we used to be a part of something--back when indie music was harvested from blogs and the internet. Now this band has outlasted that era, building a brand that resonates with a global audience. Do you know how impressive that is? This means a lot to me, and you are being a disrespectful brat by plugging up your ears.

This means a lot to me.
You are not my son.
You are not my son.
My Son Respects his elders.
My Son Respects Buzzbands.

Shame on you.
Shame on you."

R u worried abt growing older?
Will u be cooler than ur kid?
Can blogs/Gen Y be 'tastemakers' 4 evr?
R u gonna h8 ur son/daughter if they try to cultivate their own tastes?
R u scared of dying, physically & culturally?

My child
was recently showcased
in a high-end art gallery
by an artist
named "Me"

Many art critics questioned
the inclusion of my son
embedded in a high end ergonomic stroller
(which is also convertible into a child's car seat)

However, they don't realize that parenting is art
life is art
Creating a child is 'branding'
I was put on this Earth by God
2 direct his 'social' and 'physical' evolution

When u feed a child
u r 'graphic designing' his body type

When a child grows
u r 'architecting' his body into a beautiful, portable, green space

When you go to the BABY GAP
u r painting a beautiful portrait on his body

when u take a picture of ur child with ur iPhone
ur photoshopping his life, putting together a life stream of meaningful flickr events for him

when u gloat about how smart ur child is
ur updating their status on facebook, letting ppl know how bad ass they are.

when a child eats
they are 'consuming' [via consumerism]

When a child poops
they are creating beautiful art out of their poo hole
Beautiful logs
that represent clay
which can be molded in2 anything under the sun

As a child grows
sprouts pubic hair
ejaculates for the first time
the installation has truly manifested itself
Ur art & ur vision has evolved
in2 something beautiful

U will one day die
and u will be place in a sweet 'installation space' in the ground

or possibly 'cremated' in2 ashes
[via a performance art piece where a bro puts u in an oven]

Within my child
is a neverending series of metaphors abt
life
love
Earth
creationism
global warming
relationships
divorce
the modern human condish

My child is a conceptual art project.
(Ur child is just some other kid who is going to grow up and have a shitty job)

What do u think a child represents?
When u have a child, what will ur parenting philosophy be all about?
Do u think children are 'real people' or just 'art pieces' / human installations?
Do u believe that life is art, or is art=life?
Do u wish u had conceptual parents, or do u feel happy u had mainstream parents?
Do parents think they have 'created something beautiful' when they squirt out a new life form?
Should they be 'proud and excited', or is it mean to bring a new born child into our modern world?

Who seems more chill: the baby bro, or the background bro trying to 'have a peep' at some mom boob?

Photo by lastnightsparty

I have always thought that the perfect alternative breasts would be some nicely sized, perky knockers. A pair of breasts that weren't 'trying to be big' like fake implant whores, but something more reasonable and structurally sound, like a Frank Lloyd Wright joint. Maybe I was wrong all together. Maybe I was holding on to 'breasts' as the ultimate sexual object.

Now I realize that breasts don't exist to have in your face while you're making love, or as a 'target' to cum on when ur 'finished with a woman.' When ur a young boy who has never been intimate with a woman, the breasts are the ultimate symbol of sex & nudity. One day, you will undress a woman, and the bulgy, hidden breasts will be the ultimate symbol of 'becoming a man.' Maybe men like to 'suck on boobies' because they are recreating the act of 'being a lil baby', trying to reconnect with their mothers' by simulating breastfeeding.

Do u realize...
that breasts...
are actually 4 nourishing ur child
with life + love + knowledge?

Wonder what it would be like to have alternative parents. Mom and Dad taking me to buzzband concerts, relevant art openings, and meaningful events in public space before I was even able to walk/eat solid foods. I feel like even though I wouldn't be able to fully appreciate my upbringing, I would eventually evolve into a post-authentic alt, since my infancy would be filled with tons

Would u ever breastfeed your child in public?
Just watched this lady breastfeeding at a Starbucks. Do u think she is 'too free spirited'? Do some moms just want to 'stand out' since having a child sort of made u conform with ur biological purpose, so they just try to 'be all zany' and breastfeed while they drink a frappacino?

R u gonna breastfeed ur child?
Were u breastfed and did it make u a better alt?
Will the perfect alternative breasts be lactating?
Does milk from a bosom represent 'life'?
Should Steve Aoki start pouring breast milk into people's mouths instead of vodka?
Is breast milk 'more alt' than soy milk?
R u glad ur mom was mainstream and didn't use u as a personal branding tool, or do u wish she had stepped up her game?

Just want
4 walls and adobe slabs
4 my girls
so they can get they breastfeed on
-Breastimal Breastlective

Photo via architectsnewspaper

I was walking through Brooklyn on Halloween nite when I stumbled past these 3 authentic children, all dressed as relevant architectural landmarks. I had to do a google image search since I 'recognized that the buildings were relevant' but didn't know their names. Turns out that they are the Guggenheim, the New Museum, and the Whitney.  All of the children seem happy, knowing that they are 'way smarter'/generally 'better' than most regular kidz and their boring-ass costumes.  Sorta feel sad looking at the lil grim reaper bro in the background.

I am not sure if these costumes are authentic, or if they are kinda like when a 'parent completes a school project for their kid.'  The kids seem 'pumped', but not sure if all kids love architecture.  Wonder if the parents are 'projecting their own interests/profession' on their kids...but it seems likely that these kids are just more culturally aware than I will ever be.

It seems like it took me 17-26 years to cultivate my cultural-connectedness to all things alt/kewl/relevant. It seems unfair that these kids have parents who can train them to be relevant at a young age.  I wonder how I coulda turned out with 'proper guidance' instead of just existing in suburbia, and eventually 'raging against' suburban consumer identities.  Feeling insecure, like these kids have more insightful opinions on the world than me, and I am just sorta pretending to be 'me.'

I feel like I missed out on a lot in life.  My parents used to drive me to public school in their 'gas guzzler', but some kids have it totally different.   Some kids grow up using public transportation in a meaningful way. When I lived in suburbia, I always 'made fun of the poors' utilizing public transportation.

Wish my parents cared more about making me a bloggable internet photo, instead of 'dressing me up in some lame costume that they purchased at Wal Mart'/utillizing their limited artistic skills to draw a skeleton on my face.  Feeling ashamed and then feeling guilty for feeling ashamed.

I feel like I possibly 'fucking h8'/'resent the fuck out of' my parents for not creating a meaningful-enough childhood for me (on a global scale). I understand that there are pure moments which I will hold near and dear to my heart...but I can't help but feel incredibly sad right now, looking at these kids living a life that I deserved.  Seeing these parents giving their kids the life that I think my parents deserved to give me.  I wish I could some how make them understand.

Do u ever wish that ur parents were 'more than they are' for ur own sake? Do u wish they were famous/snark bloggers/local celebrities? Sometimes I feel relieved that my parents aren't 'too snarky'/'too cultured' because it brings me back down to earth when I come home from college, but then I wonder how my life coulda been different if an adult-version of me raised me.

Coulda...shoulda...woulda...
Guess that's life.

I'm gonna do a lot of things different when I raise a kid.

Tell me abt ur childhood.
What did u get from it?
What do u want from life now?
Do alt parents yield mainstream kids?
Do relevant parents raise 'snooty' kids?
Should u give ur kids a mainstream childhood so they can choose to seek alternative authenticity on their own?
How do u raise a child so that he or she can discover their interests on their own?
At what age can ppl truly 'get' architecture? (age 34?)

I just listened to the Taken By Trees cover of Animal Collective's "My Girls" except she changed the words to "My Boys." Seems like a 'gender switching' gimmick that happens a lot in modern music [via 'No Scrubs' --> 'No Pigeons']

I feel like this song 'isn't as powerful' from a woman's perspective. The original 'My Girls' is a declaration of 'actually wanting to provide for your family' even though you are a male, and u naturally want to 'plant ur seed in tons of bitches' and abandon your family because u feel like 'caring for a child' is a female's job (this is actually the case in nature most of the time). It is important to remember that the only reason Animal Collective is so popular is bc of their underlying themes of 'male idealism'--bros enjoy to pretend that 1 day they will 'evolve' into a loyal, caring, noble, respectable, authentic human being. Women should stick to writing their own songs about their own experiences/emotional needs.

Can't believe the spirit of this song is 'totally different' and 'totally sad' when a woman sings it. No longer a song of 'hope'--it is a song where a delusional woman is 'trapped' with her life caring for her husband who cheats on her, and her son who will one day resent her.

Just feels weird to hear a girl singing this 'ode to servitude' where ur saying that u just want 2 care 4 ur family. It seems like some sort of 'propaganda' from the 1950s, back when women were supposed to 'stay at home, make sandwiches, do the laundry, and wipe the asses of the kids' while men could do whatever they wanted. The tone of this song seems 'whimsical', as if it is in a 'fucking dreamworld.' While it is always a bloggable gimmick to cover AnCo, sometimes u have to think about how ur 'diminishing some1's art' if u cover it.

Still not even sure what the Animal Collective sings in this 'My Gals' song. It seems like it might be a rejected song from the 'My Girl' soundtrack. Sad that Macaulay Culkin asked to be buried alive in Michael Jackson's grave.

There isn't much that I feel I need
A solid soul and the blood I bleed
But with a little girl, and by my spouse,
I only want a proper house

*****
I don't mean to seem like I
Care about material things,
Like a social status,
I just want
Four walls and adobe slabs
For my girls

Feeling confused, like I can't relate to AnCo since I'm not a 'caring parent'/cool dad yet.

Just want 4 walls and adobe slabs 4 my girls. 'WTF is an Adobe Slab?'

'I just want 4 walls and the Adobe Creative Suite 4 my girls.' -an HRO commenter during the HRO golden age.

do u want 2 have a family when u grow up or will ur kids/spouse h8 u as much as u h8 ur parents?

Photo via advancedstyle

I love my grandfather. He is seriously the coolest bro I know. I call him 'pappy'. Every holiday and birthday he gives me several hundred dollars. It really helps out, since I had to start paying my own rent last year after I graduated from design school. When my mom is 'a bitch' to me, he is a dick to her since he birthed her. He's on my side.

I made a mix CD for my grandfather full of popular bloghaus mp3s. Ever since then he has been 'mesmerized' by modern youth culture. It's like he feels like he missed out on a lot of cool shit. Ever since then, he started a blogspot, bought an iPhone, bought a macbook, started a twittr, bought some neon wayfarers, purchased $700 worth of Am Appy, and started going to a weekly electro night. He started reading my favourite blog, the hipSt*rRun0ff. I feel kinda proud, but I also feel 'sort of embarrassed.'

Sometimes u do something to make ur parents/family 'feel connected 2 u'/ur 'culture', and they 'get way too into it'? HAs this ever happened 2 u? How do u handle it? Do ur parents like some kewl band more than u do after you made them a mix CD? Did ur parents recently go to an indie rock show? Do ur parents ask u 'how do u find kewl music on the modern world?'

Who is the 'best indie band' 2 put on a mix CD for ur parents?
do u have chill parents who r ur 'bros'?

Do u think u will ever be 'uncool' and 'connected to an irrelevant culture'?
Worried.

Nervous about becoming a father. Not sure how to 'get ready.' Just want my lifestyle to stay the same, even though I have a child. I think I might just buy the kewlest shit for kids and stuff. Hopefully if I invest enough money in useful, high end conceptual babie products, the rest will 'take care of itself.'

Should I get some sort of 'kewl looking sling' that brands me with my babie?

Meme via babygadget

Might get worried about my wife's back if she wears it for more than 10 hours per day.

Glad it comes with a 'male template' so that I can still chill in my aviators.

Might just get naked in an edgy movie about bros starting FIGHT CLUBS, and then become a mom and buy a free-spirited bicycle that is meant for hauling humans around. Want my kids to never have to suffer by riding in a car.

Photo via Jezebel

(Might also start a late night business with this contraption.

I will participate in quirky art projects that bring me closer 2 my wife during her pregnancy.
</embed>
We will show this video to our son/daughter instead of 'explaining how sex works.'

Yall... I'm nervous... does n e 1 have n e parenting tips, ideas, products, or literature that will make my life easier?

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
-The Creeds

Note: Photo NSFW if u work in an office environment that doesn't allow Off-Road Strollers through their porno filters.

Photo by facehunter

Is there a difference between a girl who u want '2 hook up with' versus a 'girl who u want to spend the rest of ur life with?' Feels kinda weird how I feel like some girls 'aren't worth' 'taking home 2 meet ur parents' because ur parents would be like 'who is that skank'/'who is that altbro?' I am not sure what type of relationship u have with ur parents. Maybe u like to 'shock them' by 'telling them that u r in love with pieces of garbage'?

Or do ur parents 'worry about u getting some1 pregnant'? Or do ur parents 'worry that u'll get married too young and end up getting divorced, just like them'? Do u 'take pride' in ur significant others? Do u feel like when u tell ur parents that u r 'dating some1' that they respect u 'more', and say 'my lil kid has grown up--what a beautiful soul'? Do u have parents who 'get' u, and 'love 2 bond' with ur significant others because they can stop focusing on their failed marriage and start bonding through you + your significant other?

Just trying 2 find the best qualities in a woman. Want some1 who wouldn't mind pushing a dual-core ergonomic stroller through a public space with me. Want some1 who will 'love me 4 me.' Want some1 who 'won't start 2 focus on the kids' after they are born, and keep the attention on me.

It's hard yall. Not even sure if I am 'looking 4 love' or just 'looking 2 cum.' Hard 2 know the difference between the two. Feel like most girls who I would meet aren't 'special' because they are usually just 'the last skanks standing' at a weekly alternative club event. H8 how some 'relationships' feel like ur just 'getting off' with some1 until both of u 'find some1 who is closer 2 what u actually want/what u think u deserve.'

Not sure if I am 'happy with myself' so I don't know if I would every think some1 else is good enough. Guess I just wanna have kids so that my 'perspective on life' will change completely. Just wanna be a cool dad and raise a kid in an upper-middle class alternative life.

What do u want out of a relationship?

Think I just want some1 who will 'sit on a laptop with me all night' and 'make snarky commentary about a hit television show/reality show' that people in our demographic are 'supposed 2 watch'.

XX BONUS 'lil ball of turd' fashion XX

'poop' humor: big on HRO in 2k9.5? Or will I just stick with 'racist post-post-satire' that 'goes 2 far'? [via fearing AZNs]

[Photo by Last Night's Party]
When I have a child
I will raise him 'right'
and make sure he/she
gets only the best

Organic foods
Progressive Private Education
Summer art courses
Team sports
Necessary technology
No television
Plenty of 'books'/printed out pages of wikipedia
Drug prevention education
Lots of physical affection
and verbal reinforcement

My wife will put the baby
upon her teet
and tell her about her life
and her mistakes
and the history of the modern world

The baby will grow old
and go away to design school
And find himself/herself
Fall in love
Accidentally make a new child too soon
and the circle of life will continue

The baby
must be nourished
from a teet
which spouts
top shelf vodka
(This is a metaphor)

Great news, yall!
Uffie is having a baby! Not sure who the dad is, but maybe it's FEADZ, ANDRE, or the Ed Banger Record Label. Who ever it is would have 2 b krazie not 2 want to spend the rest of their life with her. Ryte?

[Photo by IcantTeachUHOw2Doit]
Is she ready 2 'become a mom'?
Will Ed Banger Records give her 'maternity leave'?
Will Justice take her vocals off their hit song "The Party"?
Will she bring her baby to parties?
Will she crave sillie snacks like Butterfingers, CrunchNMunch, goldfish crackers, and Skinny Cow Ice Cream desserts?

What do u think she should name the kid?
a) LilBangy
b) Uff Jr.
c) AltAccident
d) Steve Aoki
e) something that rhymes with Joustice
f) Johnathan Brandis Uffie, Jr.
g) license the baby's name out to Scion/Sparks/Nike/other altCompanies
h) Uffington Chaz Spencer Prince William IV
i) Andre Edward Banger Feadz III
j) Alice Agyness Lovefoxxx Feist
k) Choose.Your.Own.Name

I think I'm about to go to American Appy to buy some babie or dog clothes for the kid. Which 1 of these would fit an altInfant better?
or

BREAKING NEWS....

[via Pedestrian.tv]

I was looking forward to hear Uffie's new album that's less about partying & being ready to Uff, and more about 'parenting tips', feeding kids organic smart snacks, and when is the right time to stop breastfeeding. :-(
I feel like as alts grow up into coolParents, we're gonna need some more alt Celebs who have kidz to be positive role models.

:-( Life is beautiful. It's always sad 2 find out that the media lied about some1 being preggers. I miss babies that were never even conceived more than babies that were 'eliminated after conception.'

:-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-(

BUT SRSLY...have u ever dated some1 who 'changed' a lot after u? Whether it's 'going mainstream', 'becoming a slut', or just a general overhaul of their personal brand...does it hurt when they change from the person u used 2 know?

Uffie

Alternative Celebrity, Buzzband

Uffie is a French bloghouse rapper who is known for hanging out with her titties out.

Lists: it girls, slutwave, QTs, indie songstresses

Read more>>>>

I remember in my interview with popular internet personality, MC Steinberg, he talked about not know who the Shins were when he interviewed them, and he thought that they were just some 'cool Dads.'

Now, whenever I see a band mature and age, I can't help but think of them as 'cool alternative parents.' While some of these dudes are probably actually parents, it's just pretty interesting to think of these guys as transitioning between holding a guitar to holding a 4 year old daughter.

Sonic Youth

Blink 182

Daft Punk without their masks?

Is it weird when 15 year old girls relate to songs that a 'cool dad' wrote? Does Deathcab for Cutie still sing about themes of youth and blossoming love on their latest album?

I guess transitioning into a COOL DAD is better than 'trying to find the fountain of youth via partying too much.' Right?

"God bless the daylight
The sugary smell of springtime
Remembering when you were mine
In a still suburban town
When every Thursday
I'd brave those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked"
-Benjamin Gibbard, DCFC

Would u learn how ur body works with a cool dad?

is that you can be an electro-baby.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98eF_Q_ejy4&hl=en]
How young were u the first time that lights and music were on your mind?

In 10 years, I wonder if this kid will be the guy who says, "Yeah. I've been listening to Cut Copy since I was in diapers. My parents would drive me to school and listen to their hit album In Ghost Colours."

Did your parents listen to rlly cool music when you were a kid? Sonic Youth? Oh, just the usual. James Taylor.

[Video from The Mod Blog]