HIPSTER RUNOFF

An overgrown tween bro sits in a Chili's stuffing his face with sliders, boneless buffalo wings, chicken crispers, SXSWestern eggrolls, and spinach artichoke dip. He wears a shirt that says 'DUBSTEP' on it multiple times.

Is he a mainstreamer?
Is he a lamestreamer?
Is he an alt?
Is he a raver?
Is he a tween alt?
Is he a dubstepper?

No. He is a dubstreamer. An emerging genre of suburban bros who are vibing to the recent 'trendy' electronic music called 'dubstep' that is going mainstream. Sure, he might listen to other bubble gum indie, but he understands that 'being into electro/dubstep' means that his vibe is on the cutting edge of modern partying. He goes to festivals to take some mollies, then feel the deep bass in his tummy, shaking his Chili's food within him as he digests.

Look at this effing dubstreamer. [Photos via the cobrasnake]

Raver or dubstreamer?

Looking keut in some dubstreamer gear

"The highlight of my life was watching Skrillex and an unmasked Deadmau5 dropping some heavy dubbeats at an exclusive impromptu VIP performance."

In the future, dubstep will be played at Chili's.
Dubstep is already on top 40 radio.
Brit Spears is already dubsteppy.
Dubstep DJs are becoming the most popular humans in the world.

Dubstreamers are a new relevant genre of alternative humans.

Yes, some ppl are still 'ravers', but the majority of these ppl are probably 'dubstreamers.'

Let's meet up at Chili's with our dubstream bros.

R u a dubstreamer?
Do u h8 dubstreamers?
Is dubstream 'the new punk'?
Is there a difference between 'dubstep' and 'dubstream'?
Did dubstreamers ruin dubstep?
Are the forces behind the dubstream explosion taking advantage of alternative middle markets in ways that high end indie never could?
What's the difference between a raver and a dubstreamer?

Welcome 2 the dubstream era!

It makes me sad
When the suburbs expand
and old sections of 1st wave suburbia
are no longer relevant
no long sustainable

The architecture becomes outdated
Consumers want 'trendier' parts of the city 2 drive their cars 2
Franchise locations can no longer attract
Shops/stores/restaurants/everything closes down

Sometimes my life feels like an empty 1980s mall
in the 2010s
Wishing I could be an upscale modern outdoor gimmicky mall
in the relevant area of suburbia

But I am stuck in 'the ass crack' of the suburbs
2 many apartments, 2 many minorities in the area now
Everything has gone 2 shit

Where have all the Chili's gone?
Where have all the Chili's gone?

I remember when I was young
This area used to be different
It was a 'trendy' part of the suburbs
I was proud 2 call it home

But now, all of the local businesses are rlly shitty
and I have to drive another 5 miles to get to the relevant areas of suburbia

Where have all the southwestern egg rolls gone?

Even my favourite Johnny Carino's closed down

This used 2 be where I would buy groceries,
but now some new wave Christian church turned it in2 a church

This vacant shopping center was turned in2 a charter school
4 gifted and talented kids
(who want to go 2 school in an old super market)

Where have all the Chili's gone?

Sometimes I feel sad that I can't be a part of the 'new development'
Cutting edge movie theatres
New franchise restaurants
Huge outdoor stores
Lowe's and Home Depots 2 serve as 'refueling stations' for contractors
doing work on new regions of suburbia

Makes me sad
Living on the inskirts of suburbia
Development has moved beyond us
Wishing I could be a rich tween who took immense pride in living in the most relevant part of suburbia
Basking in the riches of the uppermiddle class lifestyle

The Chili's by my house relocated to a newer part of suburbia
and I'm not sure how 2 handle it

Where have all the The Suburbs gone?
there's more than this
There's more than this
Fuddruckers, Arby's, Panera Bread
Chili's, Bennigans, TGIFriday's
Red Robin, Ruby Tuesday, Boston Market
I want u 2 be close 2 me
so I don't have 2 cook healthy food 4 my family
Where have all the Chili's gone?

Sometimes u just want more
than 31 flavors
so u go 2 a place with a cold stone marble slab
where they mix in ur toppings

-the Arcade Fire

Do u feel sad when u drive thru outdated parts of suburbia?
Are there any vacant lots in ur suburban area that have been taken over by weird businesses/entities/religious groups?
Is suburbia 'expanding' 2 much?
Should we demolish the 'dead' parts of suburbia before continuing 2 expand?
If you were an impressionable consumer-wave tween, would u rather live in 'the ass crack' of suburbia or 'the relevant, new part of suburbia', 'right next to the mall/movie theatres'?
Have 'apartments' ruined suburbia [via low cost housing for drug users, minorities, and other ppl who are stressing the natural order of franchise restaurants]?

How Chili’s Saved/Ruined My Life.

A Play by Carles Chapter 1: Parents Just Don’t Understand, yall “Eff yall mom and dad, I’m not going to college”, I screamed down the stairs. It was the summer after my senior year, I was 18 years old, and didn’t have a plan. I lived most nights driving around suburbia, smoking dank, getting buzzed on Arbor Mist wine, and eating fast food from establishments like Jack N Da Box, Taco Bell, Chipotle, and Arby’s. I had just broken up with my girlfriend because she left to start summer school at a prestigious Ivy League University. There was no reason for her to stay with a guy like me. Her parents wouldn’t even let me see her because I got caught making love 2 her 1 time. Anyways, she was gone. All that was left were warm memories of her sweet, creamy vajeng. That was okay with me. Shit was getting stale anyways, and I wanted to bang other broads. You know the old saying, “There’s plenty of Nemos in the sea, and if u really want, u can find 1 [via Pixars]." It's true. The best way to get over a girl is to have sex with another one, or at least that is what my Uncle taught me before he died of a black tar heroin overdose. He was a good guy, but never got over serving his time in Vietnam. Life at home was a grind. My parents wanted to know I was going to do something with my life. They wanted to know my plan. Even if it was just community college for a year, they would get off my back. I needed to get an apartment so bad, but I didn’t have a job, therefore I didn’t have enough cash to pay $250 a month on rent. Oh well, at least the fridge had tons of DiGiornos, Freshettas, and Hot Pockets. As a dankwave bro, I was in heaven. Summer was about to end, and my parents wanted me to enroll in community college. They even told me that they would keep paying for my car, my health insurance, and wouldn't make me pay rent just as long as I took 15 hours worth of credits. It was my only chance to stay alive. Would I make it in Community College?

Continue Reading-- Part 2: Community College: Is it 4 me? >>>

Scene 2: Community College Registration I walked on to the community college campus on the outerloop of suburbia. The campus was nice, but it felt a little bit like a middle school, except for losers who were trying 2 get their life together, or ppl who were too poor to afford real college. Needless to say, I hated the vibe, because I had traveled extensively, and I knew there was a whole ‘nother world out there. I was surrounded by people who were pursuing outlandish careers such as ‘video game designer’, ‘aircraft mechanic’, ‘auto mechanic’, and ‘EMT first responder.’ When you looked at these people, you knew they would never achieve their dreams. They would be lucky if they worked their way up to manager at the local KFC. It seemed like there was a whole ‘nother genre of successful females in community college who were working to get their associates degrees to become the ‘women who wear scrubs at doctor’s offices but don’t do anything besides file papers, weight patients, and take their blood pressure.’ I walked up to some guy wearing a lame polo that said ‘Community College of the North Hills’ with the lame ass logo on it. He treated me like I actually belonged there, asking me what I wanted to do with my time at community college. Advisor: Hello! Welcome. Me: whatever Advisor: What do you want to major in? Me: I’m only gonna be here for a semester Advisor: Well what do you want to take this semester? Basic reqs? Me: Yeah, gonna sign up for art classes Advisor: Well, those are usually reserved for our Art Tech program students Me: that’s bullshit bro Advisor: Don’t talk to me like that Me: Go eff urself Advisor: Excuse me, young man. We don’t talk to people like that at this college Me: You call this a college? I call it a shit hole. It smells like a day care center here. Advisor: We actually offer day care services here. 30% of our commuter population has children. We don’t believe having a child should stop mothers and fathers from pursuing their dreams. Me: This place makes me sick? You call this a real college. I’ve got news for you... It’s not. This place is a shit hole, and if God ever returns to Earth to tear shit up, this place is gonna be the first to go. You should be ashamed of yourself. I will never, ever, fucking end up like you. And if I do, I won’t keep going. I will drive to the edge of town, and put a gun to my head, and end it all. I won’t waste my time marrying an ugly wife and having her poop out kids. You think you got a nice life? I got news for you. Your life is shit, this school is shit, and I’m fucking out of here. I walked out of the community college and drove away, relieved that I had escaped. I went home, and my parents asked me how it went. I told them that I dropped out, and there was no way that they could get a refund on the tuition, but planned on cashing the check that they wrote to buy some new HD televisions. They were pissed, told me I had to get a job by the end of the week. I walked to the local strip mall and started applying every where possible. Hot Topic, Pac Sun, Abercrombie and Fitch, American Apparel, Auntie Anne’s Soft Pretzels, Pretzel Tyme, Chic Fil A, McDonalds, Wendy’s, Burger King, J Crew, LaCoste, Godiva, Coldstones Creamerings, Basket and Robbens, Pinkberries, the Sharper Image, Circuit City, and even the place that sells shitty cookie cakes to people who can’t afford real cakes. Things weren’t looking good. I had to sit thru a family dinner at Chili’s where my parents just psychologically abused me. I looked towards the door, and happened to notice a sign that said “Now Hiring.”

Continue to Act III >>>>>

Scene 3: Interview at Chili’s Manager: Welcome to Chili’s. Are you familiar with our brand? Me: Yes, I try to eat here at least once a week. I love the atmosphere and experience. The servers are great people, and I would love to be a part of the family. Manager: Oh yeah? What’s ur favourite dish Me: There are so many choices. It is difficult to choose. Manager: Well let’s just say ur stuck on a LOST island... what would be your ‘bucket dish’? Me: It would probably have to be the Triple Dipper, the tasty appetizer with 3 options Manager: What would you get? Me: Probably South by Southwestern Egg rolls, Chicken Crispers, and boneless buffalo wings Manager: Great choices! You sound like my kind of guy Me: Hells yea! Manager: So are you in college or something? Me: No, I’m not. I’m trying to figure out what my passion is, what I’m trying to do with my life for the next year. Manager: I hear ya! College wasn’t for me, but I turned out okay. The restaurant biz is booming in this area. People can’t get enough Chili’s. Me: Yeah, every1 here seems really happy. Manager: We have a great team. We really are like a family. Me: I want to be a part of a family. Manager: Listen, you seem like a good guy. Right now we only have jobs available for bus boys. You’d start at the bottom, but have the chance to work your way up to food runner, host, and then a member of the waitstaff. Me: I’ll do anything. I just want to be a part of the team. Manager: It’s worth it. In 2 or 3 months, you can be promoted, or if some1 dies or gets a new job, you will move right up. Me: Do I get health insurance? Manager: No, but there are free meals. Me: How many meals per day? Manager: Formally, just one, but you can basically go into the kitchen and snack whenever you want. Just take food off people’s plates. Me: Oh yeah. Manager: Industry secret. Don’t let that one out. Me: Thanks for this opportunity. Manager: Don’t let me down, kid. Me: I won’t. Manager: Is there anything else you want to ask me? Me: Do I get a uniform? Manager: We issue you a black tshirt and black pants ,but many of our servers buy their own black t-shirts. Me: Can I wear my Slipknot tshirt if it is black? Manager: No. Me: Oh okay. Manager: Well yeah, like I was saying, we’re a real family here. Maybe you can come to our employee after party tonight. You do party, don’t you? Me: Yea, I party. Manager: We’re not drug tested here, so we can go as bat shit crazy as we want. Now if you worked at Applebee’s, you would get drug tested. Me: Yeah, my friend was fired from Applebees for failing a drug test. Manager: Shit. Me: Fuck. Manager: So what kinda music u like? Me: Just rock n roll Manager: U like nickelback? Me: Hell yea! Manager: Me too man. Me: Have u heard of Linkin park? Manager: I have that CD in my car right now. I love when they come on the radio. Me: Yeah, those dudes are so smart and they really understand the human condition. Manager: What is the ‘human condition’? Me: Well, it is the concept that we as humans are all suffering under the same constraints. Sorta like how we all have to make money, eat food, and how we are trapped under the government Manager: Yeah! But things are getting better since Obama got in office. Me: Yeah, he is really killing it. Manager: What do you think about terrorism? Me: I think it is bad. Manager: Me too, I wish we could find a way to end it. Me: There’s gotta be a better way. Maybe using peace. Manager: That’s so true, I never really thought about it that way. Me: Yeah. I read a lot of books by the Dolly Llama. Manager: Have u seen Napoleon Dynamite? Me: Yeah, I love that movie. Manager: Yeah there’s a llama in that shit. Me: Dude. Effing heeelarious. Manager: Llama. WTF is that thing? Like a donkey or something? Me: I don’t know dude, I think they glue cotton on a horse or something. Manager: Yeah shit is weird. Me: Vote for Pedro. Manager: Consider yourself voted on to team Chili’s! Me: Yay! Manager: g2g make some food but we’ll see you on Monday at 10 am sharp for the brunch shift. Me: It was a pleasure to meet you, and I am looking forward to our future together. I drove away from the Chili’s Parking Lot, and my life finally felt like it was ‘in place.’ I made the right decision by giving up on community college, and I had finally found a family. A career that would allow me to grow as a human, but also as an employee. I was tired of being an irresponsible bro. It was time for me to grow up. It was time for me to get inspired. It was time for me to stop thinking abt myself, and instead think about how I could make other people's lives' better, even if the only way to do that was by serving people quality comfort food. I felt a new me. Sprouting out of my cocoon. I was once a moth but soon I will be a butterfly

Continue to Scene 4 >>>>

Scene 4: 2 Years Later, Assistant Manager at Chili’s

I had been working at Chili’s for two years, working my way up to assistant manager. My manager was still in place, but we shared a lot of responsibilities, and turned our Chili's franchise in to one of the top performing chains in the region. It was a great turnaround, and the guys from corporate even threw us a party at the end of last year. I still spend a lot of time waiting tables, since I was a people person. I love meeting new and exciting people. I love introducing them to our brand and retaining them as customers. I finally met Mrs. Right, a bartender named Samantha who made the best Mexican martinis in town. She had a gift and was even thinking about inventing her own cocktails, and when the local sports team played, she could make up to $300 in tips. That money really helped us, since that’s how much rent cost. We were saving up for a two bed room apartment in a nicer area because she was expecting our first child. Our manager was super cool about it, and let her keep working as a bartender even though she was pregnant. Don't worry. She wasn't drinking while she was pregnant. Chili's was a great place to work. Here's a video youtube of us singing Happy Birthday to a family. No, we might not have the best voices, but you can tell it is a unique consumer experience where we really care about you. You can really taste the love in every bite.

I've grown up a lot. Sometimes I think about the person I was when I dropped out of community college. I was spoiled. I thought I was better than every one else, and I thought that my life was more special than every1 else's. I was dead wrong. My life is just as special as every one else's. It feels good to be alive, good to be positive. I have a better relationship with my parents, and realize that they just cared about me. Maybe life didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I'm not a rock star. I'm not a millionaire. I don't even own my own small business. But there is security in my life. I have an employer that cares for both me and my life partner. We're young, and we have our own little place. It's good. Things are good. It's not much, but I call it home. And every one needs a home... Maybe next fall... I'll start community college again. Maybe I'll go into it with a whole new perspective. Maybe I'll make friends. Maybe I'll use their daycare service. Maybe I'll apologize to every1 in my life who I let down in the past. Chili's gave me a second chance.

Continue to Chapter 5: New Beginnings >>>>>

Scene 5: New Beginnings & Reflections This is my life. I work at Chili's This is my life. God Bless us, every1 Chili's food Asst Manager I dropped out of community college. Having my first child. Hi. This is a story abt how Chili's Saved My Life Saved Me. Saved Me From Myself. My Name is Nathan Jeffries. I am a man now.

FINAL ACT: The End >>>>>

FINAL ACT: The End >>>>>

Nathan Jeffries was found dead in his apartment on October 4, 2010. Authorities say it was a meth overdose. They found him dead on the floor with an uneaten To Go order from TGIFriday's. He is survived by his wife Samantha Jeffries and their daughter Dipping Sauce Jeffries, named after 'dipping sauces' at Chili's Soon after Nathan died, his local Chili's closed after authorities discovered that the restaurant was just a money laundering and drug front operated by the manager. The Manager soon took a paternity test, and turned out to be the father of Dipping Sauce Jeffries. He left to Mexico and was never heard from again. Nathan Jeffries was buried in an unmarked grave in the parking lot of a Chili's in his hometown of Cleveland, Ohio.

Characters:

Mom: Mother of the family
Son: A relatively alt son, back from design school for the summer, pissed to be back in suburbia named Chaz
Daughter: Entry level alt tween named Jessica
Mike: A Chili's Waiter
Father: Abandoned his family, not included in play

[Setting: Chili's in a suburban area of America]

Son: It's really great to be back home, celebrating Mother's Day with our family. I know we've been through a lot together, but we love you mom. You've really been there for us, you've sacrificed, and simply put, we couldn't do it without you.
Daughter: Love ya Mom!
Mom: It would be nice if you stopped texting for a little bit, Jessica.
Daughter: What are we doing after dinner? Stephanie wants me to come over for the '16 and Pregnant Finale'
Son: Jess, please put the phone down and just enjoy our appetizer together.
Daughter: I don't even have a data plan, so it's not like I get what I want. I'm not spoiled.
Mom: Jessica, I told you I'd buy you data for your Droid if you got all A's, and you didn't.
Daughter: I never get what I want. I didn't even get to choose the appetizer
Son: It's Mother's Day, and mom wanted bottomless chips and salsa. We'll get South By Southwestern Eggrolls next time. Now can you just stop being a little cunt?
Daughter: I'm not a cunt. You think you're all cool because you go to art school in New York, now you're above this place.
Son: It's not art school, it is design school with a concentration in media studies and technology.
Daughter: I've seen your facebook photos, it's not like you even spend any time doing work. You just smoke and drink with your friends.
Mom: I've been paying for your college for you to be smoking and drinking, and then you post pictures of yourself doing that on the internet? I've read employers check facebook and some people don't get hired because of that website.
Son: So what? I like to have a cold brewski and unwind with my friends. What's wrong with that?
Mom: My grandfather was an alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic. Your father was an alcoholic. I don't want you going down the same road they did. Your father left our family because he chose alcohol.
Daughter: Is alcoholism genetic? I thought it was just people who liked the taste of beer.
Son: I know what I'm doing. I'm not an alcoholic. I am just a social drinker.
Mom: Well what kind of grades did you get last semester?
Son: Well, I picked up 6 hours.
Mom: How many did you take?
Son: I started with 15 hours, but had to drop 3 courses
Mom: Why did you drop three courses?
Son: I changed my major and realized that wasn't what I wanted to do, so now I'm going to need another year of college.
Mom: Oh no.
Son: What?
Mom: I'm just not sure our family has that kind of money. Jessica has her guitar lessons and is going to make varsity soccer. I just don't know any more. I just want to go home.
Daughter: Mom. It's okay. I don't want to play soccer. I want to focus on music.
Mom: Let's just go home.
Son: Why don't you want me to follow my dreams?
Mom: I feel sick. Let's just go home.
Son: You shoulda just stopped texting.

ENTER MIKE, a twenty-something Chili's Waiter

Mike: Whaddup yall. Who had the cheeseburger.
Son: That was me!
Mike: Alright. And the babyback ribs?
Mom: That's me.
Mike: Oh yeah! Babyback ribs for mom on the big day. Alright, and who had the triple dipper with SXSWestern Eggrolls, Chicken Crispers, and boneless buffalo wings?
Jessica: Yummy in my tummy wummy! That's me!
Mom: Thanks again.
Mike: No problem! That's the Chili's way.

MIKE EXITS INTO CHILI'S KITCHEN STAGE LEFT

Mom: Well. This has to be the worst mother's day ever.
Jessica: Mom. I'm sorry.
Son: I promise I won't let you down. I know we are a lower middle class family, searching for our place in America, but one day you'll see that it was all worth it. I promise I am doing something special with my life that will lead to a unique, high-paying job.
Mom: Don't you realize that I've lived my entire life for you. I'd do anything for you. I just want this family to feel close to one another again. It's so hard with you being gone, Chaz.
Son: I miss being young, sitting around with you and Jessica, watching cartoons, listening to pop music from the 80s and 90s.
Jessica: I barely remember those days. I don't remember anything about dad.
Mom: I remember sitting out back on the porch, eating popsicles, listening to pop music on the radio.
Son: I actually started listening to a new genre of music called chillwave. It is supposed to inspire nostalgic images from youth, with many similarities to 80s and 90s music.
Mom: chill what?
Son: chill wave.
Mom: Like the ocean? Waves?
Son: Yes, exactly.
Jessica: Can you put some of those songs on my iPod touch? You really have great taste in music. How do you find music?
Son: I just read a lot of blogs and use this cool tool called the Hype Machine.
Mom:  Maybe one day you will be in a band.  Remember when I got you piano lessons?

ENTER MIKE CARRYING A PITCHER OF TEA, HEADED TOWARDS ANOTHER TABLE

Mike: What's up guys? You need a refill on that Mountain Dew? You need another Mother's Day Mexican Martini?
Mom: Yes please. This Mexican Martini perfectly compliments my Babyback ribs.
Son: Hells yes. Gotta get some more Mountain Dew.
Daughter: Can I also get another Diet Sierra Mist?
Mike: No problem. Need a little bit more ranch for those boneless buff wings?
Jessica: Yes please!
Son: I also have another favor to ask of you, Mike.
Mike: Whatever you guys need!
Son: Do you know how to control the audio system in this place? I was wondering if you could plugin my iPhone to the speakers and play a song for our family.
Mike: Yeah bro. We've got an iPod dock, and that would be no problem. Which song?
Son: It's by Washed Out it's called "Feel it All Around"
Mike: Yeah no problem. Brb.

EXIT MIKE TO CHILI'S BAR AREA STAGE RIGHT

Son: Happy Mother's Day Mom. This song is for our family. Even though it is just us three, we can make it through anything, as long as we chill.

WASHED OUT'S "FEEL IT ALL AROUND" BEGINS PLAYING IN CHILI'S

MANY CHILI'S PATRONS BEING TO CHATTER, ASKING ONE ANOTHER WHO THIS SONG IS, CLAIMING THAT IT IS CONJURING UP NOSTALGIC IMAGES OF YOUTH.

Mom: This is the best mother's day ever.
Jessica: This song is really good. I am going to add it to my facebook profile for sure.
Son: It seems like every one in this Chili's is Feeling It All Around.

ENTER MIKE. MIKE HANDS CHAZ A STACK OF PAPERS THAT LOOKS LIKE A CONTRACT

Mike: Hey Mike. We just got off the phone with the CEO of Chili's. He said that he is starting an indie record label, and would like to hire a new A & R representative to scout new talent. You clearly have impeccable, relevant taste, and we would love to have you be the top dog at Chili's Records.
Son: This is the job I have always wanted. I have always wanted to work for a mainstream company, doing my best to help alternative artists and musicians bring their product to mass markets. Doing my best to help the best art reach the masses, and artists getting paid for their efforts. In fact, the person who put Feist in the iPod nano commercial recently spoke at my university. I want to be a part of pop art.
Mike: Here at Chili's, we don't sign contracts with pens. We actually have you fingerprint the contract with ranch dipping sauce.

CHAZ DIPS FINGERS INTO RANCH AND LOOKS TO HIS MOM

Son: Mom, this is for you. Happy Mother's Day.
Mom: You kids are sometimes a handful, but know that I love you. Know that I believe
Mike: Who wants dessert?
Every1 at Chili's: Me!

SON STEPS CENTER STAGE, DELIVERS AN ASIDE/MONOLOGUE

Son: So that's my family. No, we're not perfect, but what family is? I certainly don't want to be a part of that family. A lot of people thought I was wasting tons of money on my education, but they didn't realize that it would all pay off. Who woulda thought, I owed it all to my dedication to the mp3 blogosphere. Sure you can call me

But today's about my mom. A beautiful woman, better than any female I could ever date, or marry. Maybe I'm a bit spoiled, maybe I'm self-centered and out of touch with the real world, but that's because my mom thought I deserved to exist in a world where I could do anything I put my mind to.

Thanks Mom. This one's for you. The truth is, I've felt your love all around my entire life, and I could never buy enough platters of babyback ribs to tell you how much you mean to me. Every time I hear a buzzband, I think of you, because ever since the day I was born, you treated me like a buzzband that you believed in, and never gave up on, even when I went mainstream, even when I metaphorically released aimless, subpar albums. You never gave up on me, and because of that, I will always love you.

END

Where did U + ur Family go for Mother's Day?
Do you <3 ur mom?
Is ur family kinda messed up, but do yall still love eachother?
Is Mother's Day a better holiday than Father's Day?

Have you ever been in a place where every1 was feeling it all around?

Photo via lastnitespartie

As yall know, I recently graduated from a state university with a degree in communications and a Public Relations minor. I applied to several large firms within my industry, but they told me I needed more work experience, and tons of human-2-human interaction. I applied for a position in the Marketing + Branding department of Chili's, but they told me I needed to start 'from the ground up' within their corporate hierarchy.

I became a hostess at an upscale Chili's brand which they are beta testing in several U.S. markets. I work at one in Phoenix (Scottsdale), Arizona. Being a hostess here is amazing...even the uniform is a little bit stylish. I have met tons of amazing people. This Chili's is great because we don't serve food to the poors. We are looking to be a place where business men can wine and dine their mistresses, and seem 'rich' while still eating variations of our original Chili's menu.

I've made some of my best friends at my job, so we're able to pre-party while we work, then go out and get mad crunk afterwards. Sometimes it sucks when men tell us that we smell like hamburger meat and fried foods, but I think after a while, they start 2 like it. Our bartender is sooo sweet, and always makes us the best fruity drink remixes.

Our signature dish

Ultimately, my job as a Chili's hostess has been a positive experience, and I believe that I am using my degree to its full potential. I am really becoming an ambassador of the Chili's brand. I love the girls at my job, and one of the most positive parts of our job is that we have an iMac computer to share at the hostess station. We get to huddle around, and look at facebook/myspace messages, and comment on which men look 'hot' and which men are 'ugly.' I couldn't ask for a better group of girls--not catty like other bitches.

I am looking forward to my career. I don't wanna make a ton of money--I just want to be happy, and that just means socializing with people who look like me, getting buzzed, hooking up, and talking about life/drama. Sorta like The Hills, except in real life, u can't get glamorous jobs like those girls. Just have to do the best with what you've got, party, and travel to party spots around the world (Mexico) for ur vacay.

Previous Misogynistic Coverage
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2009/01/i-am-planning-a-girls-night-out-with-a-group-of-my-closest-girl-friends.html

Yall. Don't u h8 when u think something is 'beautiful', then u find out that it it being used 2 sell u something? That's what happened 2 me when I saw this picture.

Initially, I thought that it was a beautiful picture that was about 'ending racism', celebrating 2 beautiful people coming together as 1 [via interracial couple]. But then I found out that it is an advertisement for a tennis shoe/ strip club / slice of white ass. Sad that the tennis shoe isn't featured in the picture.

'ugh'. Think that sometimes I assume that everything Kanye West makes is 'beautiful art' and don't realize that he is actually just 'trying to make money', or what rappers call 'hustling.'

Feel manipulated. It's kinda like when I see a beautiful logo that I would consider getting as a tattoo, but then I realize that it is part of a global brand. Thought I was gonna get this tattoo, but then I realized it belonged to CHILI's.

(Fortunately, I found out that it is a kick ass restaurant.)

In my digital art class, I actually made a symbol that looked like the 'Nike Swoosh' without even ever seeing it. I thought it was beautiful, but then my classmates accused me of 'ripping off Nike' and wondering 'how could u have never seen the Nike logo b4?'

Feel dumb when art = advertising, and I appreciate it too much when it I thought I was just admiring something beautiful.

But I did like the recent Am Appy custom Woody Allen campaign. Feel like it really went viral.

wish websites had 'billboards.' Think 'billboards' might be the most authentic artistic medium.

Felt sad when I read that famous street graffiti artist Banksy was actually hired by a Coalition of the Eastern world to spread anti-American messages [via internet viral campaign].

Does n e 1 know where I can get an advertising/marketing internship?

Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I were a minority/poor/unskilled/uneducated? Seems like it is hard out there 2 find a job in our economie. I think that I would probably try to work at a place that treated me with respect, like a human.   Just want to make sure I 'get health benefits.'  Not sure if poor people are 'smart enough to work at Starbucks', though.

What would u do if u were in a no-win situation and 'needed a good job'?

Might move 2 LA and work at the American Apparel factory.

Pros:

• They will teach me English
• They will give me stock in the company
• They will teach me how to make t-shirts
• Can probably get a lot of free kewl merchandise

Cons:

• My family probs won't realize that I am wearing Am Appy, and will just think I am a 'fggt' wearing 'bright shit' that I got for free at work from my employer

Might also work at the Envelope Stuffing Centre at Netflix Inc.

Pros:

• Access to 'bad ass' movies: action films for black people, romantic comedies, movies about step teams, and movies about minorities who learn to excel in the classroom
• Won't have to wait for a day or two for the movies I want
• Probably could take my computer into work and rip movies on to my compy
• Probably get to 'watch movies' while I work in Windows Media Player
• Employee Snack Rooms

Cons:

• Could probably just get all of the same movies on youtube/hulu/pirate bay without having 2 stuff envelopes with DVDs

Might also be Chili's Waiter

Pros:

• People will think that I am a bro working on his Associate's Degree at a local community college for up to 8 years
• Will get to learn how to cook some bad ass party foods
• Get to interact with 'hot, mildly thick' desperate broads

Cons:

• 40 lb weight gain and getting into a relationship with a fellow employee who is as sad as u, then living in a local apartment with him/her, then building ur whole social life around ur Chili's franchise co-workers.  Also getting tempted 2 work for TGIFriday's/Applebee's.

Might just settle for McDonalds bro.

Pros:

• Free meals
• Free McGriddles
• Free Hot Cakes
• Free Sundaes
• Free bluetooth headset
• Get to 'poop in the ball pit'
• Getting 2 interact with children 4 birthday parties

Cons:

• Having 2 work in the mornings 2 eat McDonalds breakfast.

I feel lucky 2 b me. Glad that I got to go to design school and live out my dreams working for an advertising firm behind some of the world's most recognized viral marketing campaigns and strategically created memes.

However, not every1 has it as lucky as me.

Previous post about authentic careers.
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/10/what-is-the-most-authentic-alt-job.html

Where would u work if u were 'poor' and 'trapped in ur life'?  What would ur 'career goals be' besides 'putting food on the dinner table'?

Yall. i'm at chili's. i like it a lot. Should I stay here eating all day and bcome a 'rlly fat guy' who turns into an internet meme? My whoel goal in life is 2 bcome 'famous on the internet."

do u think some1 will still love me enough to marry me? Do u know if there is a trucking service that specializes in transporting fat people to and from gimmicky chain restaurants?

Just wanna get my grub on.

might bcome a fatBro for xmas. not sure. let me know if I should stay at Chili's.

Probably gonna order a couple of molten chocolate cakes and pour ranch dressing on them.

remember when s00 random quirky alts used to do Mike Myers/Jim Carey impressions?

'get in my belly' - quirkyAlt after seeing the Austin PowerMovie
when u sniff kokaine, does it go into your stomach? is that why it makes u skinny?

In the future, product packaging will be 'minimal' (kinda like a tumblr), and vowels will be omitted from brand names.

All bottles of soda will look to include a 'circle' where ever they can. Circles represent life, unity, oneness, and great taste, and fun, and other deep stuff.

I <3 MTN DW, yall. Kinda wish it was named "MNTN DW", though.
Maybe I can get some with my BRKLYN Pizza and it will make my life a lil bit more mnngfl. (meaningful)

BUT SRSLY, isn't there something a lil 'mysterious' about the mist in Sierra Mist? I luv how typography can truly 'express' the essence of a product

(Authenticity Note: I took an Experimental Typography Course at Design School taught by the intern for Jim Helvety, the creator of Helvetica.)

Hopefully in the future, all authentic alternative people will look like they are in a Promotional Photo for a corporate advertisement. Kinda like how this broad looks like she is modeling the new uniform for Chili's new brand in 2k9. Can't wait to be served by beautiful women in bow ties, yall.

"May I take yalls order? K. I'll be right back with ur Sparks Martini, Diet Pepsi bombs, and SXSWestern Egg Rolls."
[FaceHunter]

Are yall gonna stop drinking _______ and only drink Pepsi Products?
Can n e 1 find a leaked photo for the Crystal Pepsi cover art?

Remember when the Animal Collective album art became the most bloggable/blurbable/meme-able cover art in the history of the Music Industry? I wonder which mainstream artist will contact the AnCo designers to 'design a Magic Eye' for their upcoming release (for viral buzz blog marketing purposes).

Is this what my tummy feels like after eating Mexican/Chinese/Indian/American food?

Have you ever experimented with 'being a DJ'? While u were a DJ, did u ask ur self 'WHAT CAN I DO TO ESTABLISH MY UNIQUE PERSONAL BRAND?' I know that a lot of DJs have utilized masks to establish some sort of dark, enigmatic personal brand. However, I think headphone tattoos showa higher level of dedication to ur DJ brand.

Other tat options for DJs include

• turntables on your chest
• ableton setup on your back
• Serato on your arm
• your favourite record on your lower back
• 'angel wings' on your back to represent that u r a fallen Angel DJ

I am a normal person, so I have considered getting a simple iPod tattied on to me, complete with earbuds that extend into my ears. Not sure what type of iPod I'm going to get tattied on to me. Shuffle, nano, or iPod touch, or iPhone nano-shuff?

[Photo via HotChixWithDBaggies]

I also eat food, so I am thinking of getting some sort of item off the Chili's menu tattied on to me. I might just get symmetrical hip tattoos of the Chili's chili logo on my hips.

Send ur CHILI's pics.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Another Girl Who Slept Over at her BF's last nite":

crls i am srry but no alt tht i kno of wud b caught ded n ne "chain restaurant" like chili's, all of the alts i am n league w/agreee tht we only go there wen it is "crap night" on our calendar so we eat it b4 we watch gigli

******
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "What makes a woman beautiful?":

OH NOOO the whole reason i am an alt girl is because i didn't grow 'great boobs' like the other girls in highschool, but now some fabby magazine is telling me girls don't like looking like 8-year-old boys!!!
i'm going to immerse myself in tears and chili's until i look like beth ditto.

:'(

***********
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Another Girl Who Slept Over at her BF's last nite":

mmm.
sxswn eggrollsz.
<33.

What is the best CMMNT ever left on HRO?
Who is the most prolific HRO cmmntr of all time?
Who is the most annoying HRO cmmntr of all time?
Which fellow HRO reader would u want 2 go on a date with 2 Chili's?

I want to find out the answers to these questions by the end of 2k8.

I wish I had a meaningful GF who would wear my Oxford shirts to run errands the day after she slept over at my studio apartment. These large button-up shirts are required to be XXL in order to function as a 'dress.' It seems that she is on her way into a Tailor/alterations shop in order to fix her bf's shirt, though. Hopefully she doesn't make any changes without his consent. Hate it when BFs/GFs do that!

The last girl who wore her BF's shirt wore leggings and didn't utilize a belt. I wonder which 1 is better for an on-the-go lifestyle.

[Photo from Style Scout]

Would it be offensive to buy ur alternative GF these as a Birthday Gift?

Maybe if u include a pair of leggings, she'll appreciate u for 'truly caring abt the way she looks.' Sit down with your partner and discuss how 'conveying your alt-ness with fashion choices' is an important element of life that both of you value. Don't just get her a Chili's giftcard--she already expects you to take her to Chili's on her BD. That's just part of 'being serious' with some1 special.
(Choose.Your.Own.Appetizer)

Maybe I'm the kreep, but I think the video could have used some Prettier Younger Things, like these HOTTIES.

There's also a rumor going around that the Teenagers filmed a BARELY LEGAL episode of the BangBus during their American Tour. (...developing storie...)

This video may not be viewable in your RSS reader:

[Visit the Teens Website and leave them a hilarious HIPSTERRUNOFF style CMMNT. The winner of the LEAVE A HILARIOUS CMMNT AT THE TEENS WEBSITE CONTEST will receive a $25 Chili's Gift Certificate & you will be entered into a drawing to be crucified on Justice's cross in Madison Square Garden during "D.A.N.C.E."]

Leave Your CMMNT here:
http://www.theteenagers.net/news/35/love-no