In a matter of two weeks, I will make a pilgrimmage to the alternative Holy Land: Indio, California--Effing Coachella, Bitches!
Even though I might be broadcasting that on Facebook, making sure every one knows that I have more meaningful alternative events on my horizon, it's actually kinda a burden. I am having a lot of anxiety. I guess what I'm trying to ask is: "Will my BANGIN BIKINI BOD be in shape 4 Coachelly?"
I am on the Coachella Diet. If I end up 'naked' in a viral festival meme, I want to make sure that my body is in premium shape.
The Coachella Diet is a serious regimen, a lifestyle commitment that looks to improve spirit, mind, and body. And overall relevancy.
I did some dieting before Spring Break, but I'm not really a lamestreamer, so I don't 'lay out' by the pool of a bleak suburban apartment complex drinking Keystone Lights and eating Grade C meat that some random bro in a tank top is BBQing. Yes, I care about 'looking good.' But I also care about having enough physical endurance to spend 10 hours per day in the sun, hit up relevant afterparties, and 'do it all again' 3 days in a row. It's not just abt 'geting rlly skinny' and passing out, having to be driven to the Palm Springs ER before nightfall on Day 1. I am preparing my body for an alternative marathon.
I want all the bros to 'head turn' when they see me in my Coachella gear. Staring at me like I am 'the hottest piece of aish in the entire world.' During every set, I want a random bro to 'put his arms around me' from behind, then I will get 'pissed' but secretly love the attention.
I just need 2 make sure that I have solid hip bone definition. Everything needs to be 'falling off' me bc I am s0 skinnie.
I am afraid of 'showing off too much skin', but still being 'hefty', then people will stare at me like, "What was she thinking?"
I believe that Coachella 2k12 weekend 1 and weekend 2 will be the most meaningful experiences of my life. I will probably do 'mad carbo loading' between both weeks this year, eating mad pasta and hella chicken breasts, replenishing my body with lost minerals and nutrients.
The Coachella Diet will change my life. I wish every weekend was Coachelly--not just for the sake of relevance, but for my overall health and BANGIN BOD upkeep.
This will be my last unhealthy meal.