HIPSTER RUNOFF

As u may know, we are all dying, and our bodies are slowly deteriorating, joint by joint, bone by bone, and one day we will be unable to even wipe our own asses. There is something abt the process of dying that unites humanity, but more importantly, an entire generation who is coming to terms with 'getting old' and being unable to do things like they did when they were young, like playing basketball and having 'effing ridonk sex without ur peen going soft.' Cool dads are a very important indie market, and they are not immune from aging. Despite their love for boring indie rock played by white men, they are going thru tons of issues.

• Male pattern hair loss
• Hair in NEW places!
• Diabetes
• Sleep Apnea
• Snoring
• Miscellaneous pains
• heart attacks
• High Blood Pressure
• High cholesterol
• Erectile Dysfunction
• Torn ACLs
• Tennis elbow
• STDs
• getting ur tubes tied
• and many more middle-aged-man issues.

That's why Bon Iver released this new video informercial for 'doing exercise.' Apparently, it helps to keep u alive longer and ur body healthy. He must be trying to become some sort of 'fitness expert', eventually becoming a judge on the Biggest Loser where u get to humiliate fat ppl. It's basically the opposite of having a 'feeder' fetish.

He found some 'in shape twink' at his local gym. Usually when I want to pick up a guy, I'll do a Zumba or Core-building class, then 'see what happens' in the showers/sauna.

Bon Iver's life is WAY BETTER bc of exercise. Even when he is on the road, he still exercises, and even makes his band do it. Basically, this seems like it is some sort of advertisement for 'Curves for Men' or something.

Props to Bon Iver for beating his sciatica, or whatever he said he has. I am afraid of turning into a cool dad, my metabolism slowing down, and having to dedicate my life 2 health and fitness so I don't become some 'fat lamestream dad eating 6 strips of bacon for breakfast.' Hopefully one day I can 'ball' with him, and take out his lower back in order to 'win the game', then every1 will be like 'it's just a pickup game, man. why r u taking it so seriously?' and I'll be all like 'I play the game to effing win, bitches. GAME OVER.'

R u afraid of being a middle aged man?
R u afraid of being an uncool dad?
R u afraid of geting older?
Could Bon Iver 'beat the shit out of Win Butler' at basketball, or would Win Butler 'cheap shot' his back?

Should the Milwaukee Bucks move 2 Chicago, putting a 2nd NBA Team in one of the biggest American Markets, similar to NYC and LA?
Has Justin Vernon 'gone too far' 2 try to appeal 2 cool dads?
Is 'getting older' a very vulnerable process?
Do u think u can stay young 4evr?

Bon Iver

Alternative Celebrity

Bon Iver is a bearded man from a Midwestern forest who sounds like Bruce Hornsby and once collab-ed with Kanye West.

Lists: indie hunks, beards

Read more>>>>

Photo by Weird Vibes dot biz

Cover your ears, son
For they are not ready 4 the vibes emitted
from the purest of the buzzbands
Stand back, watch the buzzband
Look at how buzzworthy they look

This,
my son
is a buzzband.
This is a buzzband.

Feel
FEEL the vibes of buzz come ur way
let them soak into your skin, beautiful son
Let them sink deep into your soul

This, son, is a buzzband.
This is what a buzzband sounds like, son.
This is what a buzzband looks like, son.
This is what the buzz feels like, son.

I worked hard to ascend into relevancy
Ensuring that my son was born into the VIP area
VIP bloodline
But I still want him to value VIP
as a privilege, not a right

Oh the VIP areas you'll go!

I have high hopes for you
One day, you will be the artist making the buzz
My relevancy outdated, I will celebrate the dead buzzbands of yesteryear
But you carry on our family legacy, son

I will look at you fresh, young, 20something face
and think of my 20sometimes
and wish eternal 20somethinghood upon you
Reading content on the internet, empathizing with an eternal global 20something zeitgeistian spirit

We do not have time for youth sports
You will take piano lessons
Guitar lessons
Ableton lessons
SP-404 lessons

You are the Good Son
The Chosen Son
The Buzz Son

Cool Dads, be good to your lil alts
Lil Alts will love like you do
AltQTs become altbaguettes who turn into alt celeb QTs
So free-spirited moms, be good to your AltQTs too

Son, you shall remember this day
When you saw, heard, felt, smelt, vibed ur first buzzband
The buzzosphere is ur oyster
Carpe buzz.

Don't go gently into that irrelevant content stream
Rage, rage against the dying of the buzz

******
How old were u when u heard ur first buzzband?
Will u become a cool dad who takes his son to relevant buzz shows?
Will u favor ur buzz son over ur buzz daughter if ur daughter is not altQT enough?
R u worried that ur alt kid will be born into VIP status instead of earning it like our generation?

My mainstream dad
I'm supposed 2 <3 him on Father's Day
Go ovr 2 my parents' house 2 enjoy some bbq

But I can't
I h8 that guy
4 turning me in2 'me'
I resent my mainstream father

Dad
Why did u feed us so much hamburger helper?
Why weren't u affectionate towards my mother?
Wht was it hard 4 u 2 tell me and my siblings that u <3 us?
Why did u disown my ghey brother?
Why didn't u ever want us 2 be 'more than middle class'?
Why did u watch so much sports?
Why did u get so upset when I quit baseball?
Why did u make me go 2 in-state college?
Why did u let us eat so much fast food?
Why did u make fun of the clothes I wore?
Why did u make me feel guilty whenever I spent money?
Why did u drive our family into massive amounts of debt?

Why didn't u ever congratulate me 4 being valedictorian of my high school class?
Why did u buy my brother who played football a car when I never got 1?
Why were u so, so cold and hurtful 2 all of us?

U were so unhappy
Why didn't u just leave, dad?
U would have been happier
Every1 would have been happier

I resent u, dad
and 2day I'm not going over so u can BBQ non-grass-fed meats
We're not going to gather around the table
like we're a happie family
Sitting in silence

We will not celebrate u
as we eat Lay's potato chips
mom's potato salad
and an array of desserts from COSTCO

I h8 my mainstream dad
I feel bad
I feel resentful
I just want 2 break thru the disconnect and share something real with him

But now I see an old man
set in his ways
Things will never change
It's me, dad. I just want to love you.

I'm coming over for BBQ
Maybe today, things will change.
Happy Father's Day.

Photo by Weird Magic dot biz

One day, I will be a cool dad, and I will insist on my offspring being exposed to the same content/media that I was exposed to in order to make them feel more relevant/cultured. I will take my son to a dive bar. I will take my son to a relevant music festival. I will make sure my son gets 'shitfaced' in VIP, drinking free vodka/beer. I will make sure that my son checks a series of internet blogs every day and harvests the correct MP3s. I will browse his iTunes library, double checking for 'buzz errors' more closely than I check his math homework.

I can't wait to be a cool dad / free-spirited alt mom.
I can't wait to harvest a relevant child. It seems easier than harvesting a relevant buzzband.

However, what if things go wrong? What if I take my child to a music festival, and they have a shitty time? What if they h8 me, they h8 what I'm all about, and find some 'kewl, new counterculture' that represents something cooler, and fresher than my content-stream? What if I take them to see the Arcade Fire 30th reunion concert at Madison Square Garden, and they fall asleep because it is boring? What if

Feel sad abt growing older.
I am not scared of the mainstream challenges of parenthood
Changing Diapers, memorizing multiplication tables, lessons in social + environmental responsbility
Worried that my generation's window of cultural tastemaking is closing
We only have 2 more years left to harvest buzzbands, then we will be stuck celebrating the same pool of relevant buzzbands from 2k4-2k14 for the next 50 years.

"If the children don't grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms turnin' every good thing to
rust.
I guess we'll just have to adjust." -Win Butler

Will probably just turn into a psychologically abusive parent, and my disconnected relationship with modern culture will have a huge impact on my son:
"Get your goddamn fingers out of your ears. Listen to this shit. We waited all day to get to the front. I spent $300 on a 3-day pass 4 u, and there wasn't a kiddie pass. Listen to this music. Do you know how buzzworthy this band was on their first album? Do u know how to appreciate buzzbands? Listen, I know they might not be as cool as the bands you like, but this band is undeniably good. You see, we used to be a part of something--back when indie music was harvested from blogs and the internet. Now this band has outlasted that era, building a brand that resonates with a global audience. Do you know how impressive that is? This means a lot to me, and you are being a disrespectful brat by plugging up your ears.

This means a lot to me.
You are not my son.
You are not my son.
My Son Respects his elders.
My Son Respects Buzzbands.

Shame on you.
Shame on you."

R u worried abt growing older?
Will u be cooler than ur kid?
Can blogs/Gen Y be 'tastemakers' 4 evr?
R u gonna h8 ur son/daughter if they try to cultivate their own tastes?
R u scared of dying, physically & culturally?

Photo by thecobrasnake

Dear Rich Old Cool Dude Whose House We Partied At Last Night,

Let me first start out by saying you are one of the chillest bros I have ever met in my life. Even though u r twice my age, you might actually be twice as chill as me. You are one of the main inspirations in my life, proving that you can get rich quick off some gimmick, then spend the rest of your life chilling, partying, and doing rich people stuff.

Your house is beautiful. So much space for partying, great location, great views, and since it is located on acreage, we were safe from any threat of the cops busting the party. Even if the police came, you probably would have invited them to chill & party with us--that's just how chill of a bro u r. I have never attended such a chill party with tons of alcohol, marijuana, recreational hallucinogens, blow, kush, hookah bar access, and even a sex dungeon that I wandered into late in the night.

I was also impressed with your selection of food. A wide range of dips including spinach artichoke, 3 types of homemade hummus, queso, goat cheese, 5 types of salsa, guac, and even a fajita bar (before it ran out). Also...let's just say "the brownies were delish ;-P [via WEED]." Your Costco Membership seems like it really came in handy last night.

You are more than just another Cool Dad. Cool dads are trying so hard to tell u that their lives' are meaningful just because they had a kid and are forced working middleclass/uppermiddle class boring/creative jobs. I'm not sure whether or not you have a kid, but if you did, it would probably be a chill lil bro, and wouldn't be a big deal. You will still be open to throwing huge ass parties at your house where random people come to drain your resources. You might not have many real friends, but you can surround yourself with young people who are more than willing to make you feel young forever. If I could stay young forever, Lord knows I would be your bro in the long run.

I have been to a few house parties at 'rich peoples' houses, but it is usually the 'parents out of town thing', and either there is nothing to drink/smoke/eat, or the spoiled rich kid is trying to kick every1 out the entire night. Your house was the exact opposite. A chill, homely environment was created where no1 was 'going too crazy', but at the same time, every1 was 'chilling hard.' It was truly the 'Golden Corral of hardcore drug use' because of your generosity.

Please feel free to give me some tips on 'how to get rich' and find a career that allows you to chill mad hard. I heard rumors that you made your fortune when you started a _____________ company. I wouldn't mind a work hard + party hard + chill hard lifestyle, just as long as I could 'go big' OnDemand like you do.

The night was so memorable. Your house is so 'palatial' but also has some really positive modern design elements. We almost got in trouble when we were exploring your huge house, then you came up to us and pretended to be angry at us, holding a gun to my head. But then you 'lost your shit' laughing when you saw how scared I was. We all shared some nervous laughter, and then huffed some freon together. When I woke up from my blackout, I was laying in your bed, and I could tell that the Egyptian cotton sheets had a super high thread count.

I want to be like u when I grow up. A lot could happen between now and then. I might not become rich, and I might never have a real career. I might grow up and lose touch with the party scene. I might never receive a late night text message about an early morning afterparty at your house ever again. But maybe nights like last night can't happen every night. Maybe they do happen every night, and that is ur life--a life that I am openly jeal of.

Rich old dude whose house we Partied at--you are one of the greatest bros I have ever met in my life. And I only knew you for one night. But what a night it was...

Signed,
A bro who went wild'n'out at ur house last night

PS: I stole a _________ from your house.

Have yall ever partied at a rich dude's house who u didn't know?
Was the vibe chill, dangerous, or thrilling?
Do u hope to be independently wealthy when ur old, but still mingle with kids from the alt scene?
Have u ever been to a Golden Corral?

Some people have a good father
Some people have a bad father
some people have no father
Some people have multiple fathers

Some people feel 'chill' around their father
a spirit of bro-ness
that lasts from ur birth
all the way until their death

Ur father was possibly ur first bro [via welcoming u out the womb]
and u will be forever connected 2 him
or maybe he was the first bro to be 'un-bro-like' and bail hard on u [via not yanking u out the womb]
U have the right 2 h8 him for that.

So many people on this Earth
have huge 'father issues'
Topics like "Will I make them proud?"
to "Will my father accept me even though I am gay?"
or even "Does my father hate me, or is he just cold and incapable of displaying human emotion?"

So many issues with baby boomers + Gen Xers
Hope Gen Y Cool Dads correct the emotional shortcomings of the current crop of dads
inspiring a wave of emotional, chillbro dads
Some people never get over their issues with their dads

If you have a bad father
U need to understand that he is a bro
Deep inside he is still a bro
with all of the insecurities and shortcomings of the standard bro

Bro age 1 = Bro age 12 = bro age 18 = bro age 22 = bro age 35 = bro age 49 = bro age heart attack death
Bros are from Mars, Women are from Unchill

Before he had you with ur mom, he really bro-ed down
He probably acted like a chill bro to get in ur mom's pants
And in a way, both ur mother + u ruined his chill vibes
He either decided that you could be 1 of his bros
or he said 'eff yall, i've got real bros who are way more chill than yall.'

So people either have the opportunity to connect with their father in a bro-like way
or they resent their fathers for choosing other bros over you
All relationships are a system of bronnected feelings and events
which can be evaluated thru the eyes of a bro

R u dealing with ur dad choosing other bros over u?
Were you not bro enough?
Were you not chill when u were an infant [via crying]?
Does ur father love u, but just have trouble showing it?

So many people have complex relationships with their fathers
It gets complex
Maybe fathers are 'beyond bro'
like a post-bro relationship that transcends and shatters the traditional bro relationship
But u need to take a step back and realize
'My dad was a bro once, too. My Dad is still a bro."

He is so proud of you
and happy that you exist
but sometimes ur just a lot to deal with
ur kinda spoiled, irresponsible, and just don't come thru like a true bro would

Don't blame ur father
Blame urself
1 day ur gonna have to decide if you want your family to be your bros
or if you will treat them like second class bros

Treat ur dad like you would treat one of your bros
Talk about bro-like common interests
Share some cool music to make ur father 'feel young again.'
Go out and do bro-like things to make him feel less scared
less scared of getting older, and losing touch with the bro he once thought he was
Your father is a scared old man, annoyed by your mother, battered down by his job
battered down by the (impending) loss of his family
He doesn't have much time left on Earth, and he feels it
He is a bro without much time--but still tons of quality time
if u bro down
Don't thaw the chill vibes by piling ur problems on him--he's just a bro
He can't handle other ppl's problems.

He just wants to bro down
The beauty/flaw of ur father
is his bro-ness
but that same brand of bro-ness is inside of u [via DNA]

Are dads the ultimate bros?
What is ur relationship with ur dad like?
Does ur dad h8 u for being a failure?
Do u and ur dad have a bro-like connection?
What do u see when u look at ur dad/father/bro?
What buzzbands does ur dad like?
Did ur dad walk out on ur family?
What type of bro is inside of your dad, or is he The Anti-Bro?
Is ur family 'chill like bros' or 'high-strung, annoying ass holes?'
Was ur parents' divorce ur fault?

I wish I could be a little alternative baby/kid, born into mainstream alternative royalty. It would be sweet to have a dad who was in one of the most popular maltstream bands of all time. It would also be 'pretty sweet' if ur dad was some1 like Tony Hawk, or something like that, bc then u could 'get xtreme' and 'play video games.

I wonder if I would rather have Blink182dad as a dad, or FallOutDad as ur dad. Feel like Pete Wentz might be 'embarassing' because Fall Out Boy's songs are 'hella ghey' in a tweeny kind of way. Also, u might get made fun of at school since he took 'cock pix.' Would be sweet to have Jessica Simpson as ur mom, though. Heard she has 'sweet jugs' [via Nick Lachey]

Would feel sweet having Blink182bro as ur dad. Feel like he writes songs that u could actually relate to. He would also be pretty appreciative about life, since he almost lost a bro [via tragic plane crash]. Think that both dads are 'loaded', so you could probably be a consumerCore kid during ur youth years, where you are encouraged to have a loud personality, and possibly have long hair.

When I was a kid
all I ever wanted
were parents who were famous
(but at least rich)
they would encourage me to 'be myself'
Even if I didn't get good grades
bc they could get me a kewl job
when I graduated from HS
and didn't want 2 go 2 college

What kind of parents do yall wish yall had?

Previous Cool Dad Coverage
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/tag/cool-dads

Nervous about becoming a father. Not sure how to 'get ready.' Just want my lifestyle to stay the same, even though I have a child. I think I might just buy the kewlest shit for kids and stuff. Hopefully if I invest enough money in useful, high end conceptual babie products, the rest will 'take care of itself.'

Should I get some sort of 'kewl looking sling' that brands me with my babie?

Meme via babygadget

Might get worried about my wife's back if she wears it for more than 10 hours per day.

Glad it comes with a 'male template' so that I can still chill in my aviators.

Might just get naked in an edgy movie about bros starting FIGHT CLUBS, and then become a mom and buy a free-spirited bicycle that is meant for hauling humans around. Want my kids to never have to suffer by riding in a car.

Photo via Jezebel

(Might also start a late night business with this contraption.

I will participate in quirky art projects that bring me closer 2 my wife during her pregnancy.
</embed>
We will show this video to our son/daughter instead of 'explaining how sex works.'

Yall... I'm nervous... does n e 1 have n e parenting tips, ideas, products, or literature that will make my life easier?

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
-The Creeds

Photo by the Sartorialist

I walked in on my dad looking at himself in the mirror
naked
He did not know I was watching him
He looked analytical, somber, reflective, and sad

Lately, my father has been losing hair
gaining weight
getting older
Making more choices to make himself seem 'more youthful'
but ultimately acting 'dumb' and 'self-destructive'

He cheated on my mom
It makes her sad
but I think he is insecure
Overheard him yell, "SHE MAKES ME FEEL YOUNG AGAIN."
He also keeps asking me 'what bands do u listen to?'
and bought tickets to a Kings of Leon concert

I think they just need 2 talk about getting older
and embrace that life ends
and that u need 2 surround urself with 'people u authentically <3'
Not sure if it healthy to 'feel sad' about getting older

Maybe there is just a time in ur life
where u need to 'sit on the couch, turn on the TV, and stop sulking'
realizing that the 'best' days of ur life r behind u
and in the future u will only become more physically incompetent
and unable to keep up with the pace at which society/technology changes

It makes me sad that we're all getting older
I just want to feel and look the same
as I did during 'my prime'
Worried that my 'prime' has passed
or maybe I am not 'happy' during 'my prime'

Want 2 be a tween again
'but wouldn't give up the knowledge I have now'
If only our parents knew
how easy their lives' were
since they didn't have to deal with stressful modern issues
like 'sexting' and 'sexually transmitted diseases' and 'information overload' and 'memes'

Just want 2 b happie?

They only want u when ur seventween
when ur 21
ur all old and ur sexual organs are probs contaminated

////////////////////
do u feel urself 'getting older'?
R ur parents going through 'a mid life crisis'?
R u afraid 2 get old cuz it means ur closer 2 dying?
Do u want to die of 'old age', 'a disease' or 'a tragic accident that is a bloggable meme.'

Note: Photo NSFW if u work in an office environment that doesn't allow Off-Road Strollers through their porno filters.

Photo by facehunter

Is there a difference between a girl who u want '2 hook up with' versus a 'girl who u want to spend the rest of ur life with?' Feels kinda weird how I feel like some girls 'aren't worth' 'taking home 2 meet ur parents' because ur parents would be like 'who is that skank'/'who is that altbro?' I am not sure what type of relationship u have with ur parents. Maybe u like to 'shock them' by 'telling them that u r in love with pieces of garbage'?

Or do ur parents 'worry about u getting some1 pregnant'? Or do ur parents 'worry that u'll get married too young and end up getting divorced, just like them'? Do u 'take pride' in ur significant others? Do u feel like when u tell ur parents that u r 'dating some1' that they respect u 'more', and say 'my lil kid has grown up--what a beautiful soul'? Do u have parents who 'get' u, and 'love 2 bond' with ur significant others because they can stop focusing on their failed marriage and start bonding through you + your significant other?

Just trying 2 find the best qualities in a woman. Want some1 who wouldn't mind pushing a dual-core ergonomic stroller through a public space with me. Want some1 who will 'love me 4 me.' Want some1 who 'won't start 2 focus on the kids' after they are born, and keep the attention on me.

It's hard yall. Not even sure if I am 'looking 4 love' or just 'looking 2 cum.' Hard 2 know the difference between the two. Feel like most girls who I would meet aren't 'special' because they are usually just 'the last skanks standing' at a weekly alternative club event. H8 how some 'relationships' feel like ur just 'getting off' with some1 until both of u 'find some1 who is closer 2 what u actually want/what u think u deserve.'

Not sure if I am 'happy with myself' so I don't know if I would every think some1 else is good enough. Guess I just wanna have kids so that my 'perspective on life' will change completely. Just wanna be a cool dad and raise a kid in an upper-middle class alternative life.

What do u want out of a relationship?

Think I just want some1 who will 'sit on a laptop with me all night' and 'make snarky commentary about a hit television show/reality show' that people in our demographic are 'supposed 2 watch'.

XX BONUS 'lil ball of turd' fashion XX

'poop' humor: big on HRO in 2k9.5? Or will I just stick with 'racist post-post-satire' that 'goes 2 far'? [via fearing AZNs]

Yall.. I didn't watch the Grammys cuz I'd rather just read reactions to it on the internet, then pretend that I watched it/was there/I am connected to the modern world. Seemed like a real celebration of things that are kinda mainstream but letting more alt artists in2 the show. Some of my favourite bands like MIA, Radiohead, and the Jonas Bros were on display. Maybe next year I'll be invited?

Question 1) When an alt artist wins a grammy, I feel
a) validated
b) like I accomplished something
c) a lil bit sad that I am losing a part of me
d) pissed off about my fave band selling out
e) just wanna 'get buzzed' and dance to bloghaus + ironic pop

Question 2) M.I.A. is

a) just a meme
b) pregant
c) should have stayed home
d) trying too hard 2 reach out 2 mainstream audiences
e) just taking care of herself/her career

Question 3: Deadmau5 will be remembered as

a) a zany masked DJ
b) just some weirdo at the Grammys
c) "what is that bro doing at our show?" -Taylor Swift
d) being responsible for bringing 'masked djs' to the mainstream
e) just a meme on the day after award shows

Question 4: This is a picture of

a) the coldplays
b) a band that steals songs
c) the writers of the rock album + song of the year
d) bros who need to retire their gimmick
e) Cool dads searching for meaning

Question 5: These bros are chilling at

a) the Grammys
b) A Cool Dad convention
c) A Kidz Health convention
d) A McDonalds playgrond
e) A liberal arts professor conference

Question 6: When I see this single, I think it is

a) Just another bloghouse mp3
b) just another crappy mp3 posted by a lame entrylevel blog on the hypemachine looking to get hits
c) worth a Grammy
d) the best Remix of all time
e) other

Question 7: Kanye West won a grammy for

a) Best frollet
b) Best blogger of the year
c) Worst black person of the year in America
d) JackOfAllTrades/Renaissance Man of the year
e) Best guy who sounds like a robot on his albums

Question 8: Who wore it better?

a) the broad on the left
b) the broad on the right
(this is a test 2 see if ur a racist)

Question 9: The Lonely Island Bros are

a) going to win a Grammy in 2k10
b) a gimmick for bros
c) comedy for bros
d) glorified bro Weird Al bullshit
e) really funnie
f) really progressive
g) going to make the Flight of the Conchords obsolete for bros
h) something for people who smoke weed and watch dvds/ funnie youtube vids

Question 10: This bro won a Grammy for

a) best assault of a broad
b) best knuckle sandwich 2 a broad's face
c) Best job of 'putting a woman in her place'
d) Most likely 2 be the next OJ Simpson
e) Future Ike TurnerBro
f) Strongest Pimp Hand
g) Artist of the Millennium who Hits Women
h) Bro Who is above the law
i) bro who is above society's norms

Question 11: Daft Punk won some Grammy because

a) they deserve it for this live album thingy
b) there are too many Awards categories
c) people only heard of them after Kanye West cobranded with them for that meaningful duet about becoming stronger on the inside

Question 12: Christian Bale won a grammy for

a) being Heath Ledger's BFF
b) being in Batman
c) becoming a viral meme on audio
d) pretending 'to get angry' as a marketing gimmick for the new Terminator film so that Entertainment Magazines will profile him as being 'complex' and 'deep' and 'really into his craft'
e) he sang a lot in Newsies

Question 13: The name of this band is

a) 3 Tweens and a Blind Black Man
b) Blind, Black, and Musical: The Band
c) Searching for Our Sexuality thru the blindness
d) Bro Circle Jerk in a room with a blindman
e) Guy Who Should be able to see + need Talent Managers who protect their brands a lil bit better
f) The Grammys: Where Legends go to Make Bad Decisions
g) Steve WonderBro
h) Tweens Who Might be GheyBros

Question 14: This band in this picture is

a) the Spice Girls
b) Paramore
c) Blink 182
d) Girls Aloud
e) The Pussy Cat Dolls
f) Aqua
g) Jen Aniston and the Skanky McSkankBroads
h) Chris Brown's "Pimp Hand"

Can't believe I missed the Grammys. Feel really 'out of the loop.' Just want to connect 2 'pop culture' since it is kind of the fabric of society that relates us all.

Kinda feel like this picture represents the state of modern music.
In this picture is everything that we want.
We want bloggable content with stars who attract viewers by saying zany things and being progressive enough to blurb about.

Did yall hear M.I.A. is pregnant?
Are yall excited about how twitter gives u such direct and instant access 2 ur fave celebs while they are at a meaningful event like the Grammys?

[via diplo's drunken memes during the Grammys blogspottwitter]

Sometimes I wonder if I should marry a man or a woman. I think it would be great to provide a traditional heterosexual environment for my impending spawn so that they would feel like they 'fit in' at school. But then there is also the option of settling down with a GHEY bro. I think that 2 cool dads could provide a positive environment without the shortcomings & insecurities of a female.

100 Simple Rules For Raising my Alternative Child

• When I am a father, I will not let my kid watch television.
• I will only let my son/daughter watch vimeo.
• My kids will only listen to podcasts.
• My kids will only eat Kashi brand products and no red meat.
• When they are fully grown into tweens, I will remove meat from their diet.
• My kids will not learn how to write in print or cursive. I will give them a Macbook Air with only a single font available for use--Helvetica.
• My kids will not learn how to play the guitar or piano, but I will hire some one to teach them Ableton.
• I will not let my kids vlog until they are 19.
• I will monitor my kids' personal brand, not letting them commit to any trends that will be eliminated within 1.5 years.
• My kids will be homeschooled. They will not read textbooks--only wikipedia entries and blog posts.
• 80% of my children's curriculum will be for the sake of self-expression.
• Other kids will not 'get' my children, but I will teach my kids that this means that they are better than mainstreamer children who eat refined sugar.
• My kids will go to the top design/art schools in the world. I will let them take a year off, but make sure they are 'doing something free spirited and constructive.'
• My kids will be tolerant. They will create pro-Ghey signs.
• My kids will live in a world without Comic Sans.

I want to be the most effective alternative father in the history of the world.
How will u raise ur kids?

SRSLY tho... is love ever wrong? (gonna miss the gheys after George Bush eliminates them the day b4 he leaves office.)

Should I blog about social change/parenting tips more often?

"This is not a disco, nor a country club. This is Los Angeles."
-Sheryl "Livestrong" Crow

In 2009, all we will want 2 do is have a lil fun. Authentic fun. The kind of fun that can only be embodied by a song that is accessible to females from age 7 to 72. Hot women will be kind of fair, but kind of 'saucy' in a 'mystic drifter' kind of way. In 2k9, the synthesizer market will crash, and we will see the acoustic guitar market explode.

<3 free spirited moms + cool dads

XX BONUS CRUNKCORE COVERAGE XX

Gonna miss u when u r just a meme from 2k8, Brokencyde. At least they made the Mexican peoples of the world proud.
Worried that music will sound Crunkcore in 2k9 :-(
// help

Yall. I remember when I made up a theory that aging alt bands like Weezer & Death Cabs turn into Cool Dads. Then I saw a picture of Morrisonney, the lead singer of the Smiths Band.

Do yall think this is the picture which verifies the Cool Dad Theory?
Or is it just another example of the emerging trend of human accessories.

I'm afraid of growing old.
I'm afraid of my hair turning grey.
I'm afraid of losing my hair.
I'm afraid of turning into a cool dad.
I'm afraid of being a self-aware cool dad who knows he isn't cool.
I'm afraid of my son/daughter eventually being 'cooler than me' when I am 54.
I'm afraid of having to 'raise a child.'
I'm afraid of my first divorce.
I'm afraid of feeling pressure to hold down a job for more than 7.5 months.
I'm afraid of having to give away my tattered Am Appy shirts to 'the poor' in 2k__.

/// This is a post about coping with age.

Should I start listening 2 the Smiths after the electrobubble bursts?
Did u go through a 'Smiths era' or is that 4 old ppl?
Should I put the Smiths on my 'top albums of 2k8' list?

Whenever an Alternative Artist is on the Cover of a Mainstream Magazine, I quietly say to myself, "We Finally Did It.  We have arrived. The mainstreamers are starting to understand why we listen to better music than them. I have a dream that one day, blogs will be the radio stations of the world, and Pitchfork will be the iTunes of the world, and minidisc players will be the iPods of the world."

Part of me gets a lil bit upset that the mainstreamers are finding out about what I listened to 2+ years ago, but then I realize that I need to 'be the bigger person' and let them enjoy.

Did yall see Mathangi Arulpragasam on the cover of SPIN? (I call M.I.A. by her real name 2 sound more authentic.)

Remember when the Management was on the cover of SPIN?

Remember when hipsters were on the cover of BPM?

Remember when a Cool Dad made the cover of Us Weekly?

I was really proud when Crystal Castles were on the cover of NME.

"we are using sounds that no 1 else can get." -Crystal Castles

I remember when Britney Spears' sister sharted out a baby and landed on a magazine cover.

It was a big deal when some one as alt as Dustin Hoffman went mainstream and starred in "Hook."

I was proud of Thom Yorkee for being on the cover of AZN magazine.

It was also a big deal when I was TIME's person of the year just cuz I built a myspace profile. I showed my parents so they'd get off my back and let me chill on the myspace.

I kinda hope YALL are the Persons of the Year in 2k8.

(I am not proud of alt celebs when they r on the cover of altMagazines that I am not alt enough to recognize).

How do u feel when u see some1 on a magazine cover?
Is it a meme that u should be proud of and connect with?
Do u have 'pride' for 'being into' an artist/public figure before they were 'recognized by a magazine'?
Would u be honored m0re to be in a magazine, or be blggd abt at ur fave blog?
Which 1 means more in the current meme economy climate?

//// am I just a meme?
//// RAGE AGAINST THE MEME.

ALTBRO or ALTBAG is an HRO gimmick where I find pix of alternative males. Readers then must decide if the person pictured is an altBro or an altBag.

Please justify your answer in your response in order to receive 20 HRO points.

For example: "He is an altbag bc his moustache is authentic and altBros can't grow facial hair."
or "he is an altBro who is trying 2 b progressive by wearing a denim jacket."
or "CRLS...r u blind? he is obvi a cool dad."

[Photo by DamStyle]

What do u think?

"Make sure u make ur vote count. Ur unique voice/opinion is important."
-The Election Thingy

Doesn't that Alt resemble Jason Lee, yall? Luv getting buzzed and watching NBC comediez.

In the future, cool dads will have an opinion on foreign Presidential elections, teaching their lil alts/lil kids about how important it is to vote. When the private elementary school teacher gives their son or daughter a homework assignment that takes incorporates the upcoming Presidential Election, the cool dad will do their child's homework, complete with progressive opinions on modern topics, such as healthcare reform, the War in ______, and the Financial Crisis. Cool Dads want the world to know that they are enlightened because they are 'smart bc they went 2 college', and bc they 'have a kid' which enables them to identify with 'the common man' a.k.a. 'Joseph the Plummer' a.k.a. 'Joe the Meme.'

Cool Dads will also be required by law to wear an 'expensive looking jacket', jeans, and Chuck Taylors/Converse All Stars/off brand shoes that look like Converses but were probably more expensive.

[Photo via JezzyBelle]

In other COOL DAD news, did yall hear Death Cab for CuteAZNs changed the name of their band? Can't wait for their new EP. Not sure if I will identify with it, though.

ergonomic strollers : cool dads :: wayfarers/sneakers/palestinian scarves/tilted lids : altBros

XX BONUS PIZZA WAR COVERAGE XX

In the future, will companies deliver turn tables like they deliver pizza?

[Photo by LastNightsPizzaParty]

[Photo by GadeMode]
What's the deal with this kind of glasses? Are they intended to be post-post-ironically functional glasses for people who actually have poor vision? I've seen them on a few Cool Dads, but part of me thinks they make a man look krazier than Child Predator Glasses.

Should they be called "Cool Dad Glasses"? Or like "alt safety goggles"?

This style of glasses combined with intense sideburns can make you look like the kind of person who has murdered some one and destroyed all of the evidence [via wood chipper]. This may or may not be worse than child predator glasses.

But srsly, here's a picture of Ben Gibbard with the think tank that put Death Cab together when they were all 12 years old with the hopes of establishing the meaningful-core genre.

These dudes:DeathCab :: Lou Pearlman : NSYNC + BSB

I think it's cute when families take portraits and they are dressed in coordinating outfits. This Cool Dad dressed up his little bro just like him. It's kute. Within 3 years, they will be able to share clothes if the father ever wants his clothes to fit like 'a normal person', as opposed to the 'trash bag in the wind' look.

Since they wear urban wear/street gear 2gether, is it safe to assume that they listen to Will Smith's "Just the 2 Of Us" on repeat?

I can't wait to have kids and dress them up in American Appy/Babie Urban Outfitters. Hopefully they make mini- prescription shutter shades so my lil alt kid can wear them to school. My biggest fear is my child not being able to see the 'chalk board' at the front of the classroom. I hope he doesn't develop A.D.D. and spend the rest of his life on a quest for alt-celeb status.

[Photo by Preggers goldfish]

Sometimes family portraits can get creepie. They can end up looking kind of like a cult. Especially if it is a white American family.

This family looks like they eliminate all of their female offspring until the stars align for a specified 'breeding season.'

Did u guys see WEEZER lead a sing-along concert at some church community center? It's probably the future of live performances.

Notable types of people in this video are:

• cool dad
• aging alts
• purgatory 'alternative' people who don't know what aesthetic they are going for, but do know how to play acoustic guitar
• festival bros
• the wacky guy in your HS band
• People who wear baseball caps
• Men who wear sunglasses that are functional, instead of obnoxious
• Acoustic Guitar All-Stars who are recapturing the glory from their high school talent shows
• Rock Stars who are on a never-ending quest to 'go viral'

I hope Prince makes Vimeo take down this video of his song.
*********************
'I dropped out of Harvard 4 this?'
-Rivers Cuomo after Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen covered 'Island in the Sun'

Photo by Shannon McClean

Just wanted to say that the guy from DEVO really let himself go. I wonder if they are contractually obligated to wear the 'Whip It costumes' when they perform live. I'm just not sure if I would want this Devo Guy to be my Cool Dad. I'd definitely rather have a SHIN, or a DEATHCAB.

Remember when VH1 re-branded itself with gimmicks like Pop Up Video & 'I <3 the 80s'?
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxH39QlRuhg&hl=en]

DOES N E 1 KNOW WHAT COLDPLAY'S NEW GIMMICK IS? Why are the dressing like colourful FGGTs who are in an army of cool-homo-FGGT-dads?

What's the deal with their song 'Viva La Vida'? I feel like it's a song that people would cream their pants over if the Arcade Fire sang it, but instead, people will say 'it doesn't sound enuff like CLOCKS, which I played on the piano at my high school talent show.'

Who IS the next U2?

It's uncool to like Weezer any more since they are so mainstream and only make crappie music and videos that they want to 'go viral.' However, it's important to appreciate them because their album covers are the world's most valuable documentation of 'watching an old indie band turn into COOL DADS.'

Pre-Cool Dad phase (1994)

Cool Dads realizing that they are cool dads but still holding on to personal and fashion choices from the past (2001)

Cool Dads Who Dress in black and wear cryptic graphic tees to look younger, slimmer, and edgier (2005)

Rich Cool Dads Who show off their krazie side/let their kids drink alcohol if they give up their car keys and make their friends spend the night (2008)

While it will probably never be cool to like Weezer again, make sure you always talk about how important they are in the Anthropological Quest to understand the evolution of indie-bands to COOL DADS.

'I love Weezer. I am in middle school. My friend is in a band that covers them.'
-a future alt-bro in the late 90s.

=w=
=w=
=HRO=

Weezer

Buzzband

Weezer is some band of cool dads that still releases albums.

Lists: cool dads, mindie (mainstream indie)

Read more>>>>

Rivers Cuomo

Buzzband

Lists:

Read more>>>>

I remember in my interview with popular internet personality, MC Steinberg, he talked about not know who the Shins were when he interviewed them, and he thought that they were just some 'cool Dads.'

Now, whenever I see a band mature and age, I can't help but think of them as 'cool alternative parents.' While some of these dudes are probably actually parents, it's just pretty interesting to think of these guys as transitioning between holding a guitar to holding a 4 year old daughter.

Sonic Youth

Blink 182

Daft Punk without their masks?

Is it weird when 15 year old girls relate to songs that a 'cool dad' wrote? Does Deathcab for Cutie still sing about themes of youth and blossoming love on their latest album?

I guess transitioning into a COOL DAD is better than 'trying to find the fountain of youth via partying too much.' Right?

"God bless the daylight
The sugary smell of springtime
Remembering when you were mine
In a still suburban town
When every Thursday
I'd brave those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked"
-Benjamin Gibbard, DCFC

Would u learn how ur body works with a cool dad?