HIPSTER RUNOFF

I just saw this local news story about a chill bro who just wanted to get some energy [via a sugary drink loaded with caffeine and branded for young, xtreme bros], but he got more than he bargained for. He ended up finding a dead mouse in his can of Monster Energy Drink. Naturally he is 'suing the fuck out of monster', because finding a mouse in a beverage can is sort of the equivalent of 'buying a winning lotto ticket.'

Do u feel bad for this traumatized bro who just wanted some N.R.G.?

"But that wasn't the only monster... He found inside..." -local news prize winning journalism scare pieces

"Anytime anyone talks about monster, I just get that sick feeling in my stomach," says Vitaliy Sulzhik.
It happened March 20, 2010. Sulzhik remembers it like it was yesterday. He went into the Fred Meyer in Des Moines, and bought himself a Monster Energy Drink. When he finished drinking it, he didn't realize another monster would be at the bottom.
"I put it down and I felt it was still heavy. So I backwashed it and all this debris went into my mouth," says the 19 year old. "Then I looked in the can and I saw the tip of the tail and I vomited everywhere."

Would u vomit if u found a mouse in ur can of soda/beer/etc?
Seems like it is a chill mouse, who just wanted some energy, too. Maybe we're all similar, and the human experience is the same as the animal experience.

Do u think this local news piece 'scared' old people about the dangers of energy drinks?
R u afraid to drink sodas out of cans now?
Do u think Monster sales are going to drop dramatically due to this story 'going viral', sorta like that time that 1 dude died from eating Jack N the Box?

X-rays and autopsies showed the mouse didn't suffer any trauma, like from a mouse trap, nor was it killed using poison. In other words, there were no signs the mouse was killed and then forced through the opening.
"You hear these wild stories out there. Sure, you're a little skeptical at first," says Reed Yurchak, Sulzhik's attorney. "But everything here has checked out."

Do u feel bad for this 'chill bro'? Is he traumatized both physically and mentally?
Or does he just want 'mad lawsuit dollars'?

Whenever u drink a can of soda, are you taking a risk that some creature will be hidden inside [via prizes]?
Did Monster ruin this bro's vibes?
Do yall know how to stuff a chinchilla in a can of Four Loko?
Are energy drinks for 'lamestreamers'?
Do u drink 5 Hour Energy because rats can't fit into those bottles?
Does this bro seem 'chill' or is he just trying to 'get rich quick' in our depressed economy?

Have yall heard of the popular beverage / soda / adult beverage called Four Loko? Apparently it is like 'the new Sparks' and kids across the USA are digging it because it gets you super effed up fast, and it is 'loaded with caffeine', so u get mad energy, and mad effed up in one gulp. It is sorta like the same concept as the peanut butter jar with jelly mixed in. U just get to ride a dualcore wave without over-exerting urself. Really helps out ppl in today's fast paced world.

Just watched this CNN puff piece on Four Loko. It seems like they are trying to make it seem like a 'national epidemic.'

Apparently some bros 'blacked out hard' at some University of Lamestreamers. Do u think they were 'weak' cuz they couldn't handle Four Loko?

Nine Central Washington University students hospitalized this month after an off-campus party were sickened by "Four Loko," a caffeinated malt liquor also known as "blackout in a can," according to a police investigation.
Investigators concluded that none of the students were drugged or given alcohol without their knowledge and no sexual assaults occurred, according to a school statement.
The findings convinced university President James Gaudino to ban "alcohol energy drinks" from his campus.

Then they brought in some expert lady to talk about whether or not Four Loko is dangerous. She seems to have created this 'sweet ass infographic' that conveys tons of information . The visual representation rlly helps me understand why Four Loko is dangerous.

Is Four Loko 'dangerous'? Can u die from drinking Four Loko? Should I make a documentary abt only drinking Four Loko for one month of my life to demonstrate that it is dangerous/not good 4 u?

The drinks are "a binge-drinkers dream because the caffeine and other stimulants allow a drinker to ingest larger volumes of alcohol without passing out," the chairman of the school's physical education department said.

Once the blood alcohol level reaches a certain level, you can drop like a box of rocks.

"Being able to feel the effects of tiredness, loss of coordination and even passing out or vomiting are the body's defenses against consuming doses of alcohol that will kill you," professor Ken Briggs said.

They got an 'official statement' from the company that makes Four Loko. It seems like they are just like 'we just want ppl to be able to get jacked up and party' and 'we can't control whatever the eff they do.'

Feel like I side with them. College Students' parents should be held accountable for their actions, not the liquor company.

Should u just do tons of blow and drink rubbing alcohol instead of doing Four Loko?
Do these news reporters seem like 'conservative squares'?
Should I just vlog about chugging Four Loko?

Is Four Loko for tweens and minorities?

Is Four Loko a national 'local news'-esque epidemic that is invading middle American townships?

Have u had Four Loko?
What does it taste like?
What do u feel like?
Do u miss SPARKS?
Do u drink redbull + vodka?
Is my heart going to explode soon?
Is it the liquor company's responsibility to make sure ppl don't die/drink and drive/overdose when they consumer?

Are u on #TeamLoko or #TeamLocalNewsPuffPiece?
What does it feel like to 'get drunk' but 'be jacked'?
Should I make my own buzzworthy energy drink / alcoholic energy drink?