HIPSTER RUNOFF

One of my biggest fears in life is losing my memory and motor skills. One of my closest relatives recently developed Alzheimer's Disease. She forgot her family, her name, and even how to perform basic human bodily functions. I fear getting old, not only for vanity reasons, but also because I am afraid of losing the ability to function. What if one day, I walked into a bathroom and didn't know what to do/where to poop/the difference between a sink+toilet? What if I didn't know the difference between a Nokia Razr and a Macbook? What if I forgot the name of my first alternative child & my first free spirited wife? What if I 4got the difference between 'alt' and 'mnstrm'? What if I forgot the difference between the Hipstar Ranoffs and the Pitchfork Television?

What if I 4got the difference between ________ and _________?

In 2k9, HRO will be less about 'alt' and more about 'blggng about fears inside of all of us--like mortality, heights, the poor side of town, and our parentz dying without them 'getting' us.'

[Photo by Last Nite's Bathroom]

/// What are yall afraid of?

A lot of ppl are apparently afraid of clowns. I think that's a sillie thing 2 b afraid of. If ur parents truly loved u, then they took you to the circus at least once a year. The truth is, there are more important things 2 b afraid of. U must confront these fears. U r not ready 4 'the real world' until u confront important stuff.

Things that u should be afraid of

• death
• STDs
• the hypemachine shutting down
• HRO shutting down
• falling in love
• high cholesterol
• diabetes
• alcoholism
• French People
• Aussie AltBro armies
• the economy
• the tugjob economy
• Radiohead releasing another album
• the sun exploding
• Your local altbag party promoter getting into a Vespa accident
• Hurricanes
• Poor People
• Angsty Privileged people
• ugly ppl
• uggo ppl
• not eating a healthy breakfast
• discoloured cum
• hardXcore ppl
• the guy from There Will Be Blood/No Country for Brold Men
• Barry Obammy's failed re-election campaign
• Chinese ppl
• Motivated AZNs
• ur parents dying
• ur parents not paying ur rent
• 'the real world'
• the third world
• the Eastern World
• ur boss
• the RIAA
• Iran
• Nucular Weapons
• ur failing nuclear family
• ur bff
• major media companies purchasing controlling interest in the meme economy
• people with active youtube channels
• tweens
• depressed  ppl
• Steven Jobs
• Billy G8s
• the guy who invented Sparks (Jeff Sparks)
• end of the year 'best of 2k_ lists'
• brobags

XX BONUS UNDERWORLD/DARKHEARTED ALT XX

I am a bro.
I am cold.
Or I am from an underworld.
Full of authenticity
and devoid of electronic instruments.
Wish I could find
a simple man who works in an airport
to shine my scuffed shoes .

[Photos by Pregs Goldfish]