Festival Bro | Hipster Runoff

Festival Bro

Where are these bros going?

Photo by Nate "Igor" Smith


Where r these bros going?

a) center-stage, main-stage at a relevant music festival
b) to a Vancouver Canucks game
c) to riot in Vancouver
d) to a screening of Entourage, season 8
e) doing a skit at a high school talent show
f) a weird sex partie
g) skydiving
h) dumpster diving
i) the dark side of the bro
j) to play guitar in 'the quad', hit up the cafeteria, then maybe the gym
k) to drink some absinthe in their dorm room
l) to vibe on some waves
m) to a bromosexual convention
n) to make ppl be all like 'look at those zany outfits!'
o) to spinning class
p) to grab some chicken sammies at ChikFilA
q) launching a youtube channel
r) launching a funnyordie channel
s) launching a bro-or-die channel
t) an internship at a Big Five-wave Accounting Firm
u) to drink Sunny D in their parent's basement
v) to play beer pong
w) to play 'beirut'
x) to listen to 'Beirut'
y) to listen to 'Beer Pong' (formerly known as 'Beirut')
z) Choose.Ur.Own.Response

Where the EFF are these bros going?????

My Grandparents' First Music Festival


Grampy & Granny
Who would have known
that ur spirit was so, so young
until I bought u non-VIP passes to a relevant local music festival

(Old ppl already think they are VIP when they attend an event 4 young ppl)

Dance! Dance! Like u soiled ur disposable underpants!
Touch the sky!
Listen! The sounds of indie buzzbands are timeless
THEY WILL LIVE 4EVER IN OUR UNIVERSAL VIBES!

ALAS!

Young@Heart
4evr&evr

Granny
I know the bottled water is expensive
But u should treat urself
Stay hydrated
Let grampy drink a cold one
Smoke some magic pipe 2gether
and vibe out
visions of nostalgic images of youth

Meet me in 'the pit'
4 the headliner
and u'll finally understand me, grampies
You'll finally 'get' me

THIS is my life
THIS is indie

Nana
Papa
This is ur time.

XX BONUS CAN HEAD BRO XX


Are can hats going to be a relevant festival trend in 2k11?
Should I go 2 a frat house and get some Keystone Lite cans 2 make my own?

Can we ever get away from the Sponsored Experience?


So there I was, standing in a massive Adidas shoebox that was located inside the festival grounds of a relevant alternative event, and I had 2 ask myself, "Where the eff am I?" After attending so many relevant alternative events, experiencing life as a VIP and sometimes stepping outside of the VIP area in order to experience life as a 'common alt' with the herds of non-VIP alt consumers, I find myself wondering if the 'sponsored' experience has helped or hurt the State of Alt.

The Sponsored Experience////////

If an experience isn't sponsored, did it ever even happen?

Festivals, VIP areas, sporting events, mainstream events, stadiums, amphitheatres, holiday parades, and even youth sports teams' entire seasons. A brand It seems chill that relevant alt festivals are 'monetizing', 'going mainstream', and getting top tier brands. It seems chill that top tier brands have embraced alt events as a place to expose their brand to 'high-end early adoping tastemaking consumers.'

But while entities who are grandfathered into the highly lucrative buzz machine get richer and more powerful, who are the economic victims of The_sponsored_experience? Or is it chill 2 be hella sponsored as long as u invite local vegan, grass-fed, organic venders to make some $$$ by selling relevant food-truck-wave food at ur alternative event?

Pictured: Sponsored Ice Cream Experience

I feel scared and sad. Scared for our children, and future generations of alt who will never get to experience chill indie vibes and websites without being overwhelmed by the sponsored experience. Scared for the future of buzzbands, who will be forced to cultivate sponsored buzz in order to be looped into the sponsored indie buzz machine.

Pictured: Sponsored MP3 farming experience

But maybe I <3 the sponsored experience. Getting free iPhone cases, alcohol, cards to redeem free MP3s from a startup music service, and chillwave koozies. Sometimes I even get XL t-shirts. Maybe the sponsored experience is a good thing 4 evry1. Maybe the sponsored experience is where art and commerce intersect, creating a portal of synergistic vibes that allow us all to chill and vibe like never before.

Can a band 'go mainstream' without embracing the sponsored experience?
Have u ever had any chill times within a sponsored experience?
Have u ever exploited a sponsored experience to get free _________?
Are brands wasting money by sponsoring experiences [via marketing]?
Sponsored experience in a sponsored experience experience sponsorship?
Is a blog only as valuable as the sponsored content is blogs?
Do u ever wish that ur own life was a sponsored experience?
Will the sponsored experience enable all great art, music, and architecture for the rest of time?
Can a 'new authenticity' emerge now that 'authenticity' is a sponsored experience?
Is 'government' a sponsored experience [via taxes]?
Is 'life' a sponsored experience?
Is society a sponsored experience?
Can u sponsor a sponsored experience?

Pictured: I got this coupon at a relevant music festival, exposing me 2 the Pepsi Max brand

///Can we ever get away from the Sponsored Experience?

Protecting urself from Toxic Vibes @ Relevant Music Festivals

Photo via HoustonFreePress


Walking around
a relevant music festival
I don't usually venture outside of my 1 bedroom apartment
Usually just listen to buzzbands home alone in my undies
smoking dank
TV on mute in the background

The People of Coachella

Sometimes music festivals aren&#39;t about watching live bands play mp3s in a live setting. It is about going outside, being around other human beings congregating with a group of like-minded people who live the same era / society / scene as u /// These are the People of Coachelly as photographed by the cobrasnakes. //////

All photos by thecobrasnake

Coachella seems like it was a really fun family event that you could bring ur kids to Pissed at my daughter for falling asleep, but I couldn&#39;t find a 3 day baby sitter for less than $300 Had to spend $100 on protective ear buds / head phones. Sad I couldn&#39;t borrow them from my bro who loads luggage into planes for Southwest Airlines H8 my dad + mom for tagging along and making sure I stayed alive the whole time. I guess they were right, because I got scared of alt terrorists backpack bombing the venue Wonder if Coachella was a safe place to bring your unborn child? Good place to bring ur family dog, just as long as u clean up the poop &#39;I thought this was the Regional Hot Dog Convention.&#39; My bro got really hyper from eating too many french fries Will next year&#39;s Coachella be in 3d? A lot of films this year went 3d to make more money, so I think music festivals will have to go 3d in order 2 compete Were there more blipsters at Coachella or more Golden ppl? Feel like a lot of people showed up from a forest where they had just killed a bunch of animals to turn into post-ironic clothing Bear hat bro These people killed a few animals I think these people are from Montana, or some sort of conceptual state of existence/America. < Might just wear conceptually matching outfits with my bro. He will wear an ironic Eagle Shirt, and I will wear an ironic Dolphin shirt. Wonder where this girl got her XX shirt Wonder if XX bras were the big trend at Coachella

Coachella

Company

Coachella is a music festival held in Southern California that turns into a gathering of the world's most relevant buzzbands, artists, designers, celebrities, and internet personalities.

Read more>>>>

Are festivAliens the new festival bros?

foto by every1 is famous via ih8urfshn


I can't believe summer is winding down, and most of the music festivals with the most powerful brands are already over. I feel like festivals are soo consumerfied now that it's hard to really let the world know that you are 'a true alternative spirit.' It seems like the only way left to let the world know that you are alternative would be by 'being from another planet/galaxy/universe.' Whenever I go to a music festival, I feel like I am in a 'house of mirrors', and all I can see are poorly executed reflections of myself whenever I look around.

I seriously wish I could be an alien from another galaxy. I feel like I would come to Earth, and utilize revolutionary technology to challenge the way that people think (become an artist). If I had seen so much of 'the universe', I feel like it would make my art more meaningful, since I had a very different life experience than most humans. Feel like I would really 'get' how 'small' we all are, and try to create memes+art that makes us realize that we are 'insignificant within the context of the universe.'

I really wonder if there is life on other planets, and if they have visited our Earth. I am not sure if aliens seem 'very peaceful' or 'violent.' Hopefully they are 'chill' and just like to listen to live music at music festivals.

I wonder what aliens look like. I wonder if they would have 'personal brands' or 'universal brands' (where every1 would look the same). Maybe they could teach us all more about life. Maybe they could teach us how 2 be happy.

I think it is critical that we establish positive relations with aliens. The ultimate goal of the human race is to build a space ship that enables us to leave Earth before Earth gets too hot/the sun blows up. We must acquire technology from the aliens in order to expedite this process. I don't know if aliens have already made contact with the government and/or the illuminati, but we must begin thinking about our evacuation plan. We must realize that science is more important than the arts, and encourage students to learn about science and engineering.

There is no way that the human race will survive, unless we establish positive relations with the aliens, and some how convince them to 'show us how 2 build rocket ships.' I feel worried and sad that I won't live forever. I feel like the aliens are the key to everything. It is important that we 'show them a good time' when we run into them at music festivals, instead of 'being snarky' and 'analyzing their personal brands.'

Do yall believe that there is life somewhere out there?
Are yall worried about the human race?
How will we be able 2 live 4ever?
WTF is a 'black hole'?
Does 'space' make yall feel insignificant/deep? [via Carl Sagan]


In 2k10, HIPSTERRUNOFF.com will be a blog about 'The Mission: How can we transport 6 billion people outside of our solar system before the sun blows up.'

Great Moments in Mainstreamers Embracing Alternative Songs from 2 Years Ago

"Control yalls selves
take only what yall need from yall."
-the MGMT

</embed>

So there I was. The party was winding down, but I felt like I still had a chance to get tugged 2nite. I was gonna stay around and keep nursing some beers, maybe nonchalantly working my way on to the impromptu dance floor if the right song came on. Tired of the group of people huddling around a laptop playing mainstream songs and rap songs. I needed some one to play a more obscure indie hit to prove to some one worth tugging me that I listened to alternative music. Then came on a song by a new buzzband called The MGMT - Kids.mp3. It was accessible, fun and danceable. I worked my way on to the dance floor, closed my eyes, and danced.

If my personal brand is strong enough, I have a chance to make tonight meaningful.

Will I get tuggled 2nite?

XX BONUS Great Moments in Festival Bros XX

</embed>

[Seen left to right: Cargo Shorts Bro, Shirtless Festivalcore Bro, Tramp Stamp Bro]

Great Moments in Being an AltBro

[Photo via StoneyRoads]

So there I was. At my first music festival. After my most recent personal brand installation (AltBro Version 1.1). Not gonna lie--I was jacked up (on Sparks + 5HourEnergy). I was ready for electrobangers, meaningful crowd surfing on rafts, and just being myself--being free. I downloaded a bunch of free mp3s from my favourite discobloghouse blogs, and I was able to identify every single song in every single DJ set before any of my alternative peers. I am one of the world's leading scholars on the history of electro after 2k7.  Have yall heard of the internet site hypemachines?

I am at a festival. There are tons of interesting people here looking to have a good time.

My experience will be meaningful. I am an active participant in relevant cultural activities. I am an alternative brother. The keyword is brother. I am a part of a family. I am a part of something bigger than myself. My alternative family 'gets' me. Our alternative context gives us a way to evaluate & appreciate the world around us.

Alternative Brother. I am. AltBro is I.


XX BONUS CURRENT AFFAIRS COMMENTARY XX

yall are probably familiar with Heartrevolution through either their band/ice cream truck/lifestyle brand.

Kinda hope it drives through my alternative neighborhood on Halloween so I don't have to go trick or treating to hunt-and-gather food 4 the next month.

IS n e 1 else worried about their lil 'truck of treats' melting?

Remember before the 'financial crisis' when people were worried about 'global warming'? Kinda glad this 'financial collapse' happened cuz I can relate to it on an authentic level, instead of an 'abstract' 'concept' like the 'ice caps' 'melting.' Nvr rlly believed in globes warmsing.

Who do u see when u go 2 Music Festivals?

Been to n e good music festivals lately?

Did I miss n e 1?
Is n e demographic over/under represented?
Do u like live music, or is it better on ur iPod?

I hate my free-spirited festival-attending mum. :-(


My free-spirited mum took me to Glastonbury Music Festival to see a black man rapper guy sing Oasis' "Wonderwall." It wasn't that good. A little bit gimmicky in an 'i am a rapper who luvz attention and has no concept of what an internet meme is so I will continue doing things that I think are historically relevant but no1 rlly cares' kind of way. I like the ________ version of "Wonderwall" waaay better.

N E WAYS.... My mum is one of those krazie festival people who wears zany clothes/wig/tiedye boots/leggings/a kreepie smile, and even has a lucky pair of mud boots. She dressed me up in a custom-made trash bag and bought me some boots at Wal Mart so that I could play in the mud with all of the other 'kids at heart' who attend music festivals.

[Images by the Plastic Choko]

I would be scared of attending festivals in Europe. They don't have enough classic festival bros. Maybe non-Americans didn't ever really connect with jam bands and deep rock bands like Incubus. They all look like they are in uninteresting British rock bands that MTV tries to tell me are 'the next big thing.' :-(

Do Europeans like David Matthews, or do they only listen to Ricky Martin/Aqua/Shakira/Wyclef/other artists that perform at the beginning of large-scale global sporting events?

The World According to HRO Commenters


In a post earlier today about the FestivalBro, cmmntrs declared as fact that 78% of Festival bros are from Oregon, and 22% are from Colorado.

Do u agree with these numbers?
Has a state been under or over represented?
Why are Oregon and Colorado breeding grounds for FestivalBros?
If you were a senator, what sort of legislation would you draft to cut your state's ties with the festival bro?

Should Colorado fill the majestic venue of Red Rocks with cement?

Should they limit the number of radio plays of Incubus' "Aqueous Transmission"?

I am the FestivalBro


I am the Festival Bro. I am free.
I lost my virginity in a Toyota Tercel
in a field behind a rave when I was 14.
I am riding my self-concept from 6th grade
when I had the highest reading level in the class
(before substance abuse changed my life)

I am the Festival Bro. I am free.
My hair unwashed, dyed with Kool Aid
Pale and dehydrated
My favourite movies are comedies and dramas involving drugs

I can be myself at a music festival
I sway side to side, in rhythm with the sounds
of bands I have never heard
and can only describe them as 'trippy.'
because when I hear music, I hear more than other people do.
Experimentation has opened my mind and my soul.
I am smarter than you.

I am the Festival Bro.
I am the Festival.
I am free.
I am.

[Photo by Shadowscene]

Do bros only go 2 concerts in hopes of rubbing their erect penises on girls?


Sometimes I wonder
'Is live music REALLY that special?'
'Why do we care abt seeing songs live?'
'Do we even rlly want 2 see bands?'

The answer is most likely, "NO."
to all of those questions
but we go 2 concerts not 2 be lonely
and we only fight loneliness
bc we are hornie.

At the end of the day
everything we do is motivated by sex
[via Freud_bro]

Concerts are no different
Bros go in hopes
of getting their peens hard
and rubbing them on females

Maybe after the concert
they will go home
and he still stick his hard peen
in her wet vagina

and they will say
'i am glad the music brought us 2gthr'
But probably not

I guess the only point of 'concerts'
are just 4 bros 2 get their peens hard
and try to rub them all ovr the girl in front of them
And hope they find a girl who will 'turn around'
by the end of the nite
and 'make out with them'
then they will be the girl who was like
'I can't believe I made out with a random bro
at a _______ concert'
acting like they are some character on @HBO_GIRLZ

Maybe in a way
we only evr do n e thing
bc we are looking 2 rub up on some1/something
2 feel a lil bit 'less alone'

Why do u go 2 concerts?
Have u evr 'rubbed up' on some1 during a 'set'?
Can u find <3 in a hopeless place at a concert?
Can u see that bro's erect cock?
Do u miss being a teen who could only 'get sexual' in public places?
Will u evr be as hornie as u were ages 12-17?

PREVIOUSLY

NSFW: Hornie teen bro fingerblasts his GF right in the middle of Lollapalooza

I brought a blowup sex doll to a music festival.


The worst part about music festivals are the people
I used to think I was the only person who really enjoyed music
who really 'gets' it
But every time I go to a festival

I am reminded that I am not alone
And most of the people who like the same music as me are huge D-Bags
Makes me feel like I will never connect with any1
No1 will ever understand me

This fuels my intimacy issues.
Which is why I brought a BLOW UP SEX FUCK DOLL
to a music festival

She never talked
She danced with me
She laid down on a blanky with me and took a nap
She let me fuck her mouth
her vagine
her bum hole

She is the ultimate music festival buddy
What else do I want?
I rode the train back to my uncle's house, who lives outside the city
She rode with me all the way back
She even held my hand

I am in love with her
[via that RyGos movie where he fucks a doll]
She is perfect
but then every1 else started vibing 2 her

They started fucking her mouth
her butt hole
her vagine passage
She was literally the town fuck doll

I looked into her eyes and could no longer see the doll I fell in love with
I could no longer perform with her
despite the soothing sounds of my favorite buzzbands in the distance
I brought her to a music festival in order to connect with her and ONLY her
but at the end of the day
they always say
"Once a fuck doll, always a fuck doll."
and also
"U can take ur cock out of the fuck doll,
but u can't keep every1 else's cock out of the fuck doll
because one man's fuck doll
is another man's glory hole."

I went home alone
Didn't even stay for buzzbands.
I thought I loved her.
I really thought we had something special.

In a way, perhaps they were my holes that were violated
Maybe it was my heart that was violated
It was all a lie
This is my last music festival.

By the way,
her name was Lauren.
I loved Lauren.
Goodnite, cruel world.
This is why we can't have nice things [via inanimate objects 2 put ur peen in]

******
Have u evr brought a FUCK DOLL 2 a music festival, or just the person u were dating at the time?

PREVIOUSLY

Is this bro the biggest D-Bag to ever attend a music festival?

My dad took me to an EDM festival and embarrassed me by raving 2 hard.


Goddammit dad.
I don't want to go to another fringe regional EDM music festival
You EMBARRASS THE EFF OUTTA ME
STOP DANCING LIKE THAT DAD!

Why the eff did we show up at 12 noon?
Now we have to sit in the sun while all of these no-name DJs
spin the most obvious goddamn songs in the world.

DAD TAKE OFF UR GODDAMN FANNY PACK
WHY ARE YOUR SOCKS SO LONG?
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO WEAR THIS GRAPHIC PRINT CAP
I HATE THE WAY YOU MAKE ME DRESS

Do u think there's a booth nearby where I can get a sausage on a stick
maybe a funnel cake
This is so embarrassing
Just go to the front of the stage, dad.

I'm tired of you lying to mom
Telling her that I have an out of town soccer tournament
just so we end up at 2-3 day EDM music festivals
I'm tired of it.

I am ashamed of my father
He vibed 2 hard
Bad vibes are thicker than blood
Bc if some1 has bad vibes
ur allowed 2 never have 2 vibe with them again

I will run away from home.
I will runaway from this fringe EDM festival with regional DJs

I hate my dad.
I wish he had made me play baseball.

PHOTO: Is this bro the biggest D-Bag to ever attend a music festival?

Photo via SPIN

Dude
Check it the fuck out.
It's my fucking HEAD
I ordered it off the fucking internet

U see me on some livestreams or what?
Dude
I look BAD ASS in this BIG HEAD
Honestly kinda feel like a tool carrying this around
but I bet I look BAD ASS in the LIVESTREAM

Did u see me?
Oh.
Just barely.
That's cool though

Talked to a lot of hot girls though
They took pictures with me
it was pretty fuckin cool
Ate a fucking BBQ brisket sandwich that was BAD ASS

Dude, I'm friggin awesome
Way more awesome than that weird looking college basketball BIG HEAD guy

I get fuckin pussy
Fuckin bad A

Festivals are pretty fucking sick awesome
but I am way more sick awesome.
Peace Out,
Me and my head

LIKE my page on FB
I'm going fucking viral, dawg
Buzzfeed fucking covered me, and a regional online newspaper
I'm on top of the world
-Big Headed Festival Bro

******
Is this bro the biggest d-bag to ever attend a music festival?

NSFW: Hornie teen bro fingerblasts his GF right in the middle of Lollapalooza


Caught up in a moment of passion
hearing so many buzzbands
I really think she is 'the one'
I mowed lawns all summer to pay for her ticket
so that she felt like I could make BIG THANGS POP

but the only thing abt 2 pop
is dat pussy
and/or my nut

fingering my GF
in public
in a moment of passion [via drugs/foreign substances]
We never get any alone time

But we can do anything we want here
Feeling alive and free
4 the first time in a long time
I love u, babe

Now let me have a nice, healthy grab

Who r u texting?
Is there some1 else?
Oh, just letting your mom know that you are safe.
You are safe, bb.

You are safe, bb.

Lollapalooza: It was the worst of times [via evacuation]
It was the worst of times [via seeing Midwestern kids fingerblasting eachother]

*****
Did these hornie teens go 2 far?
Should they 'get a room'/practice abstinence?
Is it chill to 'eff' in public during music fests?

Lollapalooza 2012: The Great AltBro Exodus, A Trail of Festival Bro Tears


I thought this was going to be the most meaningful weekend of my life
Riding the train in from the city/road tripping from a fringe Midwestern state
into Chicago
listening to Sufjan Stevens' hit song "Chicago"

Things we going well
Got a new tank top to sport
rockin hard as a tank top bro
Even pulled out a retro ass NBA jersey

Spent the better part of the last 8 days plotting how to get to the front for the AVICII set
But then a dark storm came upon us
Threatening to ruin Lollapalooza
WTF. I paid like $250 for this

and I'm sleeping at my Aunt's house
that's technically not even in Chicago
This effing sucks
UGH

R u getting service?
Let's go to a nearby Potbelly
Try to wait this storm out
Gotta eat a sammy

R u getting any service?
I can't load Twitter
How am I supposed to get info?
I feel like I have an un-smart phone
I need SMS updates
I need a reason 2 live
I need a home
I'm hungry
I need shelter
I need the comfort and security of a Hampton Inn
free continental breakfast
I need my mom
She told me I shouldn't come here
She checked the weather 2 weeks in advance and warned me against it
I should've listened
This is easily the worst day of my life.

So empty
Everything has been lost
I have nothing
This is our generation's trail of tears

We fought so hard to be closer 2 culture
paying 4 unique experiences
Now we have nothing

'This is our Katrina'
'This is our 9-11'
'This is our Haiti'
'This is our Japan Earthquake'
This is our #KONY2012'
'This is our [tasteless comparison to legitimately tragic event]'

Where are me and my bros supposed to go now?
Where are we supposed 2 see live music?
Where am I supposed to wear festival gear 2?
Will I ever get a better opportunity to wear my tank top?

Forced to leave the festival
Killing time as loitering, smelly tweens in nearby establishments
We went back to the fest
but it was never the same
It could never be the same again

We will never forget our tragedy
When the storm struck
and cleared us out
Forcing us from our metaphorical home/utopia

I truly hit rock bottom
Anxiety
#FOMO: Fear of Missing Out
#YOLO

At least I was interviewed by a fringe web content producer
Able to share my style, taste, feelings, and emotions with Youtubers everywhere

Lollapalooza 2k12: A weekend that never was
I wanted to escape from my life in the Midwest
dreams of one day moving to Chicago in an alt pilgrimage
but this city has destroyed me
my soul, my hope, my spirit, my being

I cannot escape from the brutal, volatile Midwestern weather
I might as well live on the Gulf Coast.
Can't even enjoy a music festival in peace.

I looked down at the ground
and saw thousands of footprints in the mud

I asked Jesus, "Why were there millions of footprints in the mud?"
He said: That was me on tons of molly swagging out, losing my shit,
but also sorta carrying u [via crowdsurfing]
I'm gonna go get a Bud Litey

Lollapalooza 2k12: It was the worst of times
It was the worst of times
It was the worst of times
I had nowhere to go

Ended up cuddling with a homeless man in an alley
forced into prostitution for food
lost, aimless, directionless for 2 hours
I killed another stranded festivalBro over a half-eaten Wendy's Double Cheeseburger

NVR4GT

NSFW: Watch some topless broad get severely injured in a Coachella Slip N Slide accident

</embed>

In this video, some broads try to show off that they can ride an Xtreme Slip-N-Slide to 'cool off' at a Coachella pool party. However, things turn fatal as this was ultimately a stupid idea. The internet can rejoice, because the second broad decided to take off her top to minimize drag and resistance against the tarp. U see her breasts flop in the air as she flips into a dangerous kiddie pool.

For some reason, there is a sense of delight in the crowd as the first woman totally 'eats shit' and misses the dumb kiddie pools. No1 was fatally injured...but maybe they should have been [via dumb ideas]?
coachella slipnslide topless
At least we have a solid festival meme.

Do u <3 this bb?
Do u think this even happened at Coachella, or just somewhere random with palm trees?
Was this an EPIC FAIL?
Do u <3 topless festival BBs?

Coachella

Company

Coachella is a music festival held in Southern California that turns into a gathering of the world's most relevant buzzbands, artists, designers, celebrities, and internet personalities.

Read more>>>>

The Ultimate Coachella Camper Bro.


The Ultimate Coachella Camper Bro breathes, eats, lives, dies, and shits Coachella.

Both mother effing weekends.

Staying on the grounds.

No showers.

All Coachella, all the time.

On the festival grounds right when that shit opens, bro.

Comfortable shoes, ready to trek thru the non-VIP area of Coachella.

We HAVE TO get a good spot for Radiohead.

Mom, do we still have that air mattress in the garage?

Yes, I utilize all the cargo slots in my cargo shorts/painter's jean shorts.

My shoes are comfortable.

Mom, what did you do with my hoodie?

Change socks every 12 hours.

No, that's cool. I'll go to Target because I have to pick up some more gear, any ways.

Yeah, I waterproofed it.

Hell yeah, man! I'm bringing my guitar!

Capri Suns in the cooler. Check.

Yeah, I'll drink some brewskies, but I'm mainly interested in hydrating.

Mom, thanks for letting my borrow your SUV crossover this weekend.

I have weatherbug on my phone.

No, I printed out the set times in a custom Excel document.

Good think I have this hood.

Fun times in the camp grounds strumming my guitar.

I need to get a good night's rest so I can be at the festival for 12 hours.

This feels just like sleepaway camp, except with GREAT bands!

I bought a lot of nutritional bars.

Mom, find the cooler with the wheels on it.

I can assemble my tent in under 3 minutes, without instructions.

This is going to be the greatest weekend of my life.

I have to change socks again.

Mom, can you put some more Sunny D's in the cooler?

There is no after party. The party is at the festival.

Mom, can you put some more string cheeses in the cooler?

Mom, the car will be fine this weekend.

I wish Coachella was forever.

Is the Festival Camper Bro the ultimate Festival Bro?
Is the camper bro even 'alt', or is he a member of the lamestream masses who 'doesn't even know VIP exists'?
Do alts 'naturally' expect VIP while mainstreamers are 'content' with lamestream camping access?
Is camping 4 honkies?
Have you ever camped at a music festival? Was it bleak or fulfilling?

PREVIOUSLY:

My Grandparents' First Music Festival

I am the Festival Bro

MUST-SEE VIDEO: A drunk, drugged up girl at ULTRA tries to have sex with a tree

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Music festivals aren't actually a showcase of bands and culture [via music], they are really just places where people are allowed to get 'effed up' beyond imaginable limits. While this might be a health and safety hazard to local communities, it is a WIN-WIN situation for the internet because we are blessed with sweet, beautiful internet content, like this broad trying to have sex with a tree. It seems like it isn't just a sexual relationship with the tree, where she is passionately making out with it. Instead, it is a deep love affair that has its ups and downs.

UNOFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT OF CONVO BETWEEN THE TREE AND THE BROAD:

Girl: I love you.
Tree: I am a tree.
Girl: I am on lots of drugs. I feel everything.
Tree: Just being a tree, u rollin' ass bitch
Girl: I want to feel ur branch cock inside of me
Tree: That'd be chill.
Girl: I want to have an orgasm on #molly
Tree: I'm just vibin
Girl: Plz cum inside of me so I can have ur tree baby
Tree: We'll give it a shot, bb!

This BONUS ANGLE features sweet as BRO commentary. At around the halfway point of this video, she seems to 'get in a fight with the tree', slapping it in anger. Then she decides she loves the tree 2 much 2 let it go.

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Do u <3 trees?
Have u ever done tons of drugs, then wanted to make out with a tree?
HAve u ever had sex with a tree?
Do u <3 'effed up' people?
Did u enjoy the circle of onlookers filming this broad?
Do u feel bad 4 her?
Was she 'molly-shamed'?
Is ULTRA / WMC a safety hazard?
Do u <3 viral memes at music festivals?
Remember the drunk guy vs. flip flop bro?

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Do u wish more hot broads would have sex with trees?

Mainstream bro wears d.i.y. 'hipster shirt'


Bro
What kind of bro r u?
A festival bro?
A mnstrm bro?
An altbro?
A transcendent bro?

I see ur 'HIPSTER SHIRT'
providing commentary on
'what ppl wear 2 music festivals'
the state of the modern retail space
and individual pressure on ppl 'to be alt'

Chill shirt, bro
But at the same time, it is kinda entry-level
Maybe u 'don't get it'
and ur just vibing in that shirt 2 get some LOLs
get some girls 2 talk 2 u
Maybe end up on an alt blog

Congrats bro
on ur effing 'hipster shirt'
Way 2 meme it up
at a music festivval

Eff

Tons of alt bros wore post-ironic vintage, retro NBA jerseys 2 Pitchfork Music Festival


Bros are searching for a chill ass summer look since they can't just dress slutty like girls can to 'beat the heat.' The need something retro, alt, mainstream, and something that inspires nostalgic images of you. It seems like the 'vintage NBA jersey' was 'huge' at Pitchfork. Not sure if that was actually true, or if bloggers just needed to create interesting photo posts that weren't just bands 'looking all boring, playing ditties on stage.'

I sorta want to start wearing retro NBA jerseys 2 music festivals so that I can 'reconnect' with my aspiring mainstream kid days, back when I thought I would morph into a 7 foot tall black man who could play in the NBA. That was back before my dream was to become a buzzband. Feel like retro NBA jerseys can 'really say a lot about u' if you are aware of NBA Jam/NBA on NBC retro era basketball.

The Charles Barkley Jersey means that 'u luv blow jobs and eating food.'

I think this is Shawn Kemp [via Dream Team 2]. From what I heard, he loves unprotected sex since he has like 30 illegitimate children 'all across the world.'

After LeBron James' "The Decision", it seems lie we are yearning for the simple days of Larry Johnson, back when superstars got our attention by dressing up like a Granny and throwing down sweet ass dunks.

Might put a chillwave / fuzzy buzzy song over this and turn it into a buzzband's 'official video' [via nostalgic images of youth]

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Dennis Rodman on the Bulls seems 'relatively alt', but the #91 might be a bit too 'obvious alt.' Would have opted for a rare Mavericks/Lakers Rodman jersey, but Spurs/Pistons seem more likely.

I think Pitchfork Music Festival has tons of

I think Grant Hill might have been 'the greatest Buzz NBA player of all time' but never really panned out. Sorta like when a buzzband makes 1 good mp3, but then sucks, then at the tail end of their career they make a decent album and we can all 'laugh' about their undeserved buzz, but kinda pretend their career was more fulfilling than it actually was.

Worried Magic Johnson jerseys might 'ruin the chill vibes' [via HIV awareness + free condom handouts]. We all wanna 'hook up' but this jersey seems like a 'public service message' 2 bros to 'wrap up + practice safe sex'.

Are alternative bros chill bros in retro NBA jerseys, or should they just neutralize their personal brands and wear Am Appy?
Are vintage NBA jerseys 'authentic'/'alt' or are they trying too hard to reconnect with a bro's mainstream past?
Are 'throwback' jerseys for black people who are into 'streetwear', but post-ironic NBA jerseys still fit u snug since you bought it way oversized during your youth?
What vintage NBA jersey do yall wear? What metaphor/analogy can u tie into ur own personal brand?
Has the NBA 'gone down the shitter' with all of these young NBA players who misinterpreted the Michael Jordan era? [via H8 u LeBron James]

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