HIPSTER RUNOFF

Photo by Nate "Igor" Smith

Where r these bros going?
a) center-stage, main-stage at a relevant music festival
b) to a Vancouver Canucks game
c) to riot in Vancouver
d) to a screening of Entourage, season 8
e) doing a skit at a high school talent show
f) a weird sex partie
g) skydiving
h) dumpster diving
i) the dark side of the bro
j) to play guitar in 'the quad', hit up the cafeteria, then maybe the gym
k) to drink some absinthe in their dorm room
l) to vibe on some waves
m) to a bromosexual convention
n) to make ppl be all like 'look at those zany outfits!'
o) to spinning class
p) to grab some chicken sammies at ChikFilA
q) launching a youtube channel
r) launching a funnyordie channel
s) launching a bro-or-die channel
t) an internship at a Big Five-wave Accounting Firm
u) to drink Sunny D in their parent's basement
v) to play beer pong
w) to play 'beirut'
x) to listen to 'Beirut'
y) to listen to 'Beer Pong' (formerly known as 'Beirut')
z) Choose.Ur.Own.Response

Where the EFF are these bros going?????

Grampy & Granny
Who would have known
that ur spirit was so, so young
until I bought u non-VIP passes to a relevant local music festival

(Old ppl already think they are VIP when they attend an event 4 young ppl)

Dance! Dance! Like u soiled ur disposable underpants!
Touch the sky!
Listen! The sounds of indie buzzbands are timeless
THEY WILL LIVE 4EVER IN OUR UNIVERSAL VIBES!

ALAS!

Young@Heart
4evr&evr

Granny
I know the bottled water is expensive
But u should treat urself
Stay hydrated
Let grampy drink a cold one
Smoke some magic pipe 2gether
and vibe out
visions of nostalgic images of youth

Meet me in 'the pit'
4 the headliner
and u'll finally understand me, grampies
You'll finally 'get' me

THIS is my life
THIS is indie

Nana
Papa
This is ur time.

XX BONUS CAN HEAD BRO XX

Are can hats going to be a relevant festival trend in 2k11?
Should I go 2 a frat house and get some Keystone Lite cans 2 make my own?

So there I was, standing in a massive Adidas shoebox that was located inside the festival grounds of a relevant alternative event, and I had 2 ask myself, "Where the eff am I?" After attending so many relevant alternative events, experiencing life as a VIP and sometimes stepping outside of the VIP area in order to experience life as a 'common alt' with the herds of non-VIP alt consumers, I find myself wondering if the 'sponsored' experience has helped or hurt the State of Alt.

The Sponsored Experience////////
If an experience isn't sponsored, did it ever even happen?

Festivals, VIP areas, sporting events, mainstream events, stadiums, amphitheatres, holiday parades, and even youth sports teams' entire seasons. A brand It seems chill that relevant alt festivals are 'monetizing', 'going mainstream', and getting top tier brands. It seems chill that top tier brands have embraced alt events as a place to expose their brand to 'high-end early adoping tastemaking consumers.'

But while entities who are grandfathered into the highly lucrative buzz machine get richer and more powerful, who are the economic victims of The_sponsored_experience? Or is it chill 2 be hella sponsored as long as u invite local vegan, grass-fed, organic venders to make some $$$ by selling relevant food-truck-wave food at ur alternative event?

Pictured: Sponsored Ice Cream Experience

I feel scared and sad. Scared for our children, and future generations of alt who will never get to experience chill indie vibes and websites without being overwhelmed by the sponsored experience. Scared for the future of buzzbands, who will be forced to cultivate sponsored buzz in order to be looped into the sponsored indie buzz machine.

Pictured: Sponsored MP3 farming experience

But maybe I <3 the sponsored experience. Getting free iPhone cases, alcohol, cards to redeem free MP3s from a startup music service, and chillwave koozies. Sometimes I even get XL t-shirts. Maybe the sponsored experience is a good thing 4 evry1. Maybe the sponsored experience is where art and commerce intersect, creating a portal of synergistic vibes that allow us all to chill and vibe like never before.

Can a band 'go mainstream' without embracing the sponsored experience?
Have u ever had any chill times within a sponsored experience?
Have u ever exploited a sponsored experience to get free _________?
Are brands wasting money by sponsoring experiences [via marketing]?
Sponsored experience in a sponsored experience experience sponsorship?
Is a blog only as valuable as the sponsored content is blogs?
Do u ever wish that ur own life was a sponsored experience?
Will the sponsored experience enable all great art, music, and architecture for the rest of time?
Can a 'new authenticity' emerge now that 'authenticity' is a sponsored experience?
Is 'government' a sponsored experience [via taxes]?
Is 'life' a sponsored experience?
Is society a sponsored experience?
Can u sponsor a sponsored experience?

Pictured: I got this coupon at a relevant music festival, exposing me 2 the Pepsi Max brand

///Can we ever get away from the Sponsored Experience?

Photo via HoustonFreePress

Walking around
a relevant music festival
I don't usually venture outside of my 1 bedroom apartment
Usually just listen to buzzbands home alone in my undies
smoking dank
TV on mute in the background

Sometimes music festivals aren't about watching live bands play mp3s in a live setting. It is about going outside, being around other human beings congregating with a group of like-minded people who live the same era / society / scene as u /// These are the People of Coachelly as photographed by the cobrasnakes. //////

All photos by thecobrasnake

Coachella seems like it was a really fun family event that you could bring ur kids to Pissed at my daughter for falling asleep, but I couldn't find a 3 day baby sitter for less than $300 Had to spend $100 on protective ear buds / head phones. Sad I couldn't borrow them from my bro who loads luggage into planes for Southwest Airlines H8 my dad + mom for tagging along and making sure I stayed alive the whole time. I guess they were right, because I got scared of alt terrorists backpack bombing the venue Wonder if Coachella was a safe place to bring your unborn child? Good place to bring ur family dog, just as long as u clean up the poop 'I thought this was the Regional Hot Dog Convention.' My bro got really hyper from eating too many french fries Will next year's Coachella be in 3d? A lot of films this year went 3d to make more money, so I think music festivals will have to go 3d in order 2 compete Were there more blipsters at Coachella or more Golden ppl? Feel like a lot of people showed up from a forest where they had just killed a bunch of animals to turn into post-ironic clothing Bear hat bro These people killed a few animals I think these people are from Montana, or some sort of conceptual state of existence/America. < Might just wear conceptually matching outfits with my bro. He will wear an ironic Eagle Shirt, and I will wear an ironic Dolphin shirt. Wonder where this girl got her XX shirt Wonder if XX bras were the big trend at Coachella

Coachella

Company

Coachella is a music festival held in Southern California that turns into a gathering of the world's most relevant buzzbands, artists, designers, celebrities, and internet personalities.

Lists: Californians, music festivals, rich ass ppl

Read more>>>>

foto by every1 is famous via ih8urfshn

I can't believe summer is winding down, and most of the music festivals with the most powerful brands are already over. I feel like festivals are soo consumerfied now that it's hard to really let the world know that you are 'a true alternative spirit.' It seems like the only way left to let the world know that you are alternative would be by 'being from another planet/galaxy/universe.' Whenever I go to a music festival, I feel like I am in a 'house of mirrors', and all I can see are poorly executed reflections of myself whenever I look around.

I seriously wish I could be an alien from another galaxy. I feel like I would come to Earth, and utilize revolutionary technology to challenge the way that people think (become an artist). If I had seen so much of 'the universe', I feel like it would make my art more meaningful, since I had a very different life experience than most humans. Feel like I would really 'get' how 'small' we all are, and try to create memes+art that makes us realize that we are 'insignificant within the context of the universe.'

I really wonder if there is life on other planets, and if they have visited our Earth. I am not sure if aliens seem 'very peaceful' or 'violent.' Hopefully they are 'chill' and just like to listen to live music at music festivals.

I wonder what aliens look like. I wonder if they would have 'personal brands' or 'universal brands' (where every1 would look the same). Maybe they could teach us all more about life. Maybe they could teach us how 2 be happy.

I think it is critical that we establish positive relations with aliens. The ultimate goal of the human race is to build a space ship that enables us to leave Earth before Earth gets too hot/the sun blows up. We must acquire technology from the aliens in order to expedite this process. I don't know if aliens have already made contact with the government and/or the illuminati, but we must begin thinking about our evacuation plan. We must realize that science is more important than the arts, and encourage students to learn about science and engineering.

There is no way that the human race will survive, unless we establish positive relations with the aliens, and some how convince them to 'show us how 2 build rocket ships.' I feel worried and sad that I won't live forever. I feel like the aliens are the key to everything. It is important that we 'show them a good time' when we run into them at music festivals, instead of 'being snarky' and 'analyzing their personal brands.'

Do yall believe that there is life somewhere out there?
Are yall worried about the human race?
How will we be able 2 live 4ever?
WTF is a 'black hole'?
Does 'space' make yall feel insignificant/deep? [via Carl Sagan]

In 2k10, HIPSTERRUNOFF.com will be a blog about 'The Mission: How can we transport 6 billion people outside of our solar system before the sun blows up.'

"Control yalls selves
take only what yall need from yall." -the MGMT

So there I was. The party was winding down, but I felt like I still had a chance to get tugged 2nite. I was gonna stay around and keep nursing some beers, maybe nonchalantly working my way on to the impromptu dance floor if the right song came on. Tired of the group of people huddling around a laptop playing mainstream songs and rap songs. I needed some one to play a more obscure indie hit to prove to some one worth tugging me that I listened to alternative music. Then came on a song by a new buzzband called The MGMT - Kids.mp3. It was accessible, fun and danceable. I worked my way on to the dance floor, closed my eyes, and danced.

If my personal brand is strong enough, I have a chance to make tonight meaningful.

Will I get tuggled 2nite?

XX BONUS Great Moments in Festival Bros XX

[Seen left to right: Cargo Shorts Bro, Shirtless Festivalcore Bro, Tramp Stamp Bro]

[Photo via StoneyRoads]

So there I was. At my first music festival. After my most recent personal brand installation (AltBro Version 1.1). Not gonna lie--I was jacked up (on Sparks + 5HourEnergy). I was ready for electrobangers, meaningful crowd surfing on rafts, and just being myself--being free. I downloaded a bunch of free mp3s from my favourite discobloghouse blogs, and I was able to identify every single song in every single DJ set before any of my alternative peers. I am one of the world's leading scholars on the history of electro after 2k7.  Have yall heard of the internet site hypemachines?

I am at a festival. There are tons of interesting people here looking to have a good time.

My experience will be meaningful. I am an active participant in relevant cultural activities. I am an alternative brother. The keyword is brother. I am a part of a family. I am a part of something bigger than myself. My alternative family 'gets' me. Our alternative context gives us a way to evaluate & appreciate the world around us.

Alternative Brother. I am. AltBro is I.

XX BONUS CURRENT AFFAIRS COMMENTARY XX
yall are probably familiar with Heartrevolution through either their band/ice cream truck/lifestyle brand.

Kinda hope it drives through my alternative neighborhood on Halloween so I don't have to go trick or treating to hunt-and-gather food 4 the next month.

IS n e 1 else worried about their lil 'truck of treats' melting?

Remember before the 'financial crisis' when people were worried about 'global warming'? Kinda glad this 'financial collapse' happened cuz I can relate to it on an authentic level, instead of an 'abstract' 'concept' like the 'ice caps' 'melting.' Nvr rlly believed in globes warmsing.

Been to n e good music festivals lately?

Did I miss n e 1?
Is n e demographic over/under represented?
Do u like live music, or is it better on ur iPod?

My free-spirited mum took me to Glastonbury Music Festival to see a black man rapper guy sing Oasis' "Wonderwall." It wasn't that good. A little bit gimmicky in an 'i am a rapper who luvz attention and has no concept of what an internet meme is so I will continue doing things that I think are historically relevant but no1 rlly cares' kind of way. I like the ________ version of "Wonderwall" waaay better.

N E WAYS.... My mum is one of those krazie festival people who wears zany clothes/wig/tiedye boots/leggings/a kreepie smile, and even has a lucky pair of mud boots. She dressed me up in a custom-made trash bag and bought me some boots at Wal Mart so that I could play in the mud with all of the other 'kids at heart' who attend music festivals.

[Images by the Plastic Choko]

I would be scared of attending festivals in Europe. They don't have enough classic festival bros. Maybe non-Americans didn't ever really connect with jam bands and deep rock bands like Incubus. They all look like they are in uninteresting British rock bands that MTV tries to tell me are 'the next big thing.' :-(

Do Europeans like David Matthews, or do they only listen to Ricky Martin/Aqua/Shakira/Wyclef/other artists that perform at the beginning of large-scale global sporting events?

In a post earlier today about the FestivalBro, cmmntrs declared as fact that 78% of Festival bros are from Oregon, and 22% are from Colorado.

Do u agree with these numbers?
Has a state been under or over represented?
Why are Oregon and Colorado breeding grounds for FestivalBros?
If you were a senator, what sort of legislation would you draft to cut your state's ties with the festival bro?

Should Colorado fill the majestic venue of Red Rocks with cement?

Should they limit the number of radio plays of Incubus' "Aqueous Transmission"?

I am the Festival Bro. I am free.
I lost my virginity in a Toyota Tercel
in a field behind a rave when I was 14.
I am riding my self-concept from 6th grade
when I had the highest reading level in the class
(before substance abuse changed my life)

I am the Festival Bro. I am free.
My hair unwashed, dyed with Kool Aid
Pale and dehydrated
My favourite movies are comedies and dramas involving drugs

I can be myself at a music festival
I sway side to side, in rhythm with the sounds
of bands I have never heard
and can only describe them as 'trippy.'
because when I hear music, I hear more than other people do.
Experimentation has opened my mind and my soul.
I am smarter than you.

I am the Festival Bro.
I am the Festival.
I am free.
I am.

[Photo by Shadowscene]