I can’t believe summer is winding down, and most of the music festivals with the most powerful brands are already over. I feel like festivals are soo consumerfied now that it’s hard to really let the world know that you are ‘a true alternative spirit.’ It seems like the only way left to let the world know that you are alternative would be by ‘being from another planet/galaxy/universe.’ Whenever I go to a music festival, I feel like I am in a ‘house of mirrors’, and all I can see are poorly executed reflections of myself whenever I look around.

I seriously wish I could be an alien from another galaxy. I feel like I would come to Earth, and utilize revolutionary technology to challenge the way that people think (become an artist). If I had seen so much of ‘the universe’, I feel like it would make my art more meaningful, since I had a very different life experience than most humans. Feel like I would really ‘get’ how ’small’ we all are, and try to create memes+art that makes us realize that we are ‘insignificant within the context of the universe.’

I really wonder if there is life on other planets, and if they have visited our Earth. I am not sure if aliens seem ‘very peaceful’ or ‘violent.’ Hopefully they are ‘chill’ and just like to listen to live music at music festivals.

I wonder what aliens look like. I wonder if they would have ‘personal brands’ or ‘universal brands’ (where every1 would look the same). Maybe they could teach us all more about life. Maybe they could teach us how 2 be happy.

I think it is critical that we establish positive relations with aliens. The ultimate goal of the human race is to build a space ship that enables us to leave Earth before Earth gets too hot/the sun blows up. We must acquire technology from the aliens in order to expedite this process. I don’t know if aliens have already made contact with the government and/or the illuminati, but we must begin thinking about our evacuation plan. We must realize that science is more important than the arts, and encourage students to learn about science and engineering.

There is no way that the human race will survive, unless we establish positive relations with the aliens, and some how convince them to ’show us how 2 build rocket ships.’ I feel worried and sad that I won’t live forever. I feel like the aliens are the key to everything. It is important that we ’show them a good time’ when we run into them at music festivals, instead of ‘being snarky’ and ‘analyzing their personal brands.’

Do yall believe that there is life somewhere out there?
Are yall worried about the human race?
How will we be able 2 live 4ever?
WTF is a ‘black hole’?
Does ’space’ make yall feel insignificant/deep? [via Carl Sagan]

In 2k10, HIPSTERRUNOFF.com will be a blog about ‘The Mission: How can we transport 6 billion people outside of our solar system before the sun blows up.’

If my personal brand is strong enough, I have a chance to make tonight meaningful.

Will I get tuggled 2nite?

XX BONUS Great Moments in Festival Bros XX

[Seen left to right: Cargo Shorts Bro, Shirtless Festivalcore Bro, Tramp Stamp Bro]

[Photo via StoneyRoads]

So there I was. At my first music festival. After my most recent personal brand installation (AltBro Version 1.1). Not gonna lie–I was jacked up (on Sparks + 5HourEnergy). I was ready for electrobangers, meaningful crowd surfing on rafts, and just being myself–being free. I downloaded a bunch of free mp3s from my favourite discobloghouse blogs, and I was able to identify every single song in every single DJ set before any of my alternative peers. I am one of the world’s leading scholars on the history of electro after 2k7.  Have yall heard of the internet site hypemachines?

I am at a festival. There are tons of interesting people here looking to have a good time.

My experience will be meaningful. I am an active participant in relevant cultural activities. I am an alternative brother. The keyword is brother. I am a part of a family. I am a part of something bigger than myself. My alternative family ‘gets’ me. Our alternative context gives us a way to evaluate & appreciate the world around us.

Alternative Brother. I am. AltBro is I.

XX BONUS CURRENT AFFAIRS COMMENTARY XX
yall are probably familiar with Heartrevolution through either their band/ice cream truck/lifestyle brand.

Kinda hope it drives through my alternative neighborhood on Halloween so I don’t have to go trick or treating to hunt-and-gather food 4 the next month.

IS n e 1 else worried about their lil ‘truck of treats’ melting?

Remember before the ‘financial crisis’ when people were worried about ‘global warming’? Kinda glad this ‘financial collapse’ happened cuz I can relate to it on an authentic level, instead of an ‘abstract’ ‘concept’ like the ‘ice caps’ ‘melting.’ Nvr rlly believed in globes warmsing.

N E WAYS…. My mum is one of those krazie festival people who wears zany clothes/wig/tiedye boots/leggings/a kreepie smile, and even has a lucky pair of mud boots. She dressed me up in a custom-made trash bag and bought me some boots at Wal Mart so that I could play in the mud with all of the other ‘kids at heart’ who attend music festivals.

[Images by the Plastic Choko]

I would be scared of attending festivals in Europe. They don’t have enough classic festival bros. Maybe non-Americans didn’t ever really connect with jam bands and deep rock bands like Incubus. They all look like they are in uninteresting British rock bands that MTV tries to tell me are ‘the next big thing.’ :-(

Do Europeans like David Matthews, or do they only listen to Ricky Martin/Aqua/Shakira/Wyclef/other artists that perform at the beginning of large-scale global sporting events?

Do u agree with these numbers?
Has a state been under or over represented?
Why are Oregon and Colorado breeding grounds for FestivalBros?
If you were a senator, what sort of legislation would you draft to cut your state’s ties with the festival bro?

Should Colorado fill the majestic venue of Red Rocks with cement?

Should they limit the number of radio plays of Incubus’ “Aqueous Transmission”?