Free Spirited Moms
Who seems more chill: the baby bro, or the background bro trying to 'have a peep' at some mom boob?
Photo by lastnightsparty
I have always thought that the perfect alternative breasts would be some nicely sized, perky knockers. A pair of breasts that weren't 'trying to be big' like fake implant whores, but something more reasonable and structurally sound, like a Frank Lloyd Wright joint. Maybe I was wrong all together. Maybe I was holding on to 'breasts' as the ultimate sexual object.
Now I realize that breasts don't exist to have in your face while you're making love, or as a 'target' to cum on when ur 'finished with a woman.' When ur a young boy who has never been intimate with a woman, the breasts are the ultimate symbol of sex & nudity. One day, you will undress a woman, and the bulgy, hidden breasts will be the ultimate symbol of 'becoming a man.' Maybe men like to 'suck on boobies' because they are recreating the act of 'being a lil baby', trying to reconnect with their mothers' by simulating breastfeeding.
Do u realize...
are actually 4 nourishing ur child
with life + love + knowledge?
Wonder what it would be like to have alternative parents. Mom and Dad taking me to buzzband concerts, relevant art openings, and meaningful events in public space before I was even able to walk/eat solid foods. I feel like even though I wouldn't be able to fully appreciate my upbringing, I would eventually evolve into a post-authentic alt, since my infancy would be filled with tons
Would u ever breastfeed your child in public?
Just watched this lady breastfeeding at a Starbucks. Do u think she is 'too free spirited'? Do some moms just want to 'stand out' since having a child sort of made u conform with ur biological purpose, so they just try to 'be all zany' and breastfeed while they drink a frappacino?
R u gonna breastfeed ur child?
Were u breastfed and did it make u a better alt?
Will the perfect alternative breasts be lactating?
Does milk from a bosom represent 'life'?
Should Steve Aoki start pouring breast milk into people's mouths instead of vodka?
Is breast milk 'more alt' than soy milk?
R u glad ur mom was mainstream and didn't use u as a personal branding tool, or do u wish she had stepped up her game?
4 walls and adobe slabs
4 my girls
so they can get they breastfeed on
All my life, I have been searching for a true bro. I have searched for bros in my male friends, but things eventually get too competitive, and we are both insecure. I search for them when I try to start a meaningful relationship/cum on a haute female, but I always just want 'new people' eventually. I try to bond with people about music, movies, fashion, internet trends, and other miscellaneous interests, but for some reason, I usually don't get what I am 'expecting' from some one who is a true bro.
I want a bro to be there for me. I want a bro to be willing to financially support me sometimes. I want my bro to love me for me, even though I am generally irrational, spoiled, and selfish. I want my bro to believe in me, and tell me that I can do anything, even when I haven't done any thing to better myself/my situation in the past 1.5 years. I want my bro to 'be there' on call, ready to take me and any crisis I am in seriously. I want to be able to call my bro sobbing uncontrollably, and have my bro tell me that I am 'being reasonable' for 'wanting to fucking kill myself' or whatever I am babbling. Then my bro can tell me that he/she loves me, and tell me something that will distract me from my dark feelings.
Mom--I realized something.
I realized that you are the ultimate bro. You are more than a bff--u r my Ultimate Bro. Bros last longer than 'forever.'
I remember when I was young, and I would put on a CD that I thought was 'kewl' in the car. You would let me, and you would even pretend to like/appreciate the music. You do the same thing with bloghouse and meaningful indie mp3s now. This is a true bro.
I remember when I took some time off from college to 'find myself', u told me this was a good idea and that u wanted me 2 be happy. This is a true act of bro-ship.
I remember when u let me borrow the minivan to take my friends to Coachella, and we hotboxed the shit out of it and I got a DUI. U never said anything bad. U r my true bro.
I remember when the RIAA sued me 4 illegally downloading thousands of mp3s. U hired a lawyer for me. U paid the $5000 fine. U supported me, and understood why I didn't pay for music. U r a true bro.
U take care of everything that I think is 'free.' Electricity, water, a/c + gas + heating, however the washing machine works, wireless internet, everything important. U even give me 'allowance' even though I am well-north of 20 years old. You are the only bro I could ever ask for.
Mom--ur the best bro a bro could ask for. I just know that I
I recently watched a documentary about animals that made me feel more in touch with 'life.' I feel like we are not human after all, and we have emotional connections to the people whose wombs we came out of. Bonds that are stronger than we can even comprehend. I usually experience bonds this strong with my favourite bands who I get to follow on twitter, and I also feel the same way about you. We are one. We are blood. I just want you to party with me one night, and see the young, modern world that I live in.
Will u join twitter so we can keep in touch on a micro-basis? I want u 2 be my facebookfriend/follower. I want u to know 'what is happening with my life' just like 100-500 other people who are clearly 'less important' 2 me.
I want you to feel proud of me for living an authentic life. I want you to understand WHY I am different than every1 else. I want you to understand that I won't 'achieve' anything 'special' in my lifetime, but I want you to 'get' why 'that kind of stuff doesn't matter to me' and how my perspective on life 'lessens pressure/expectations' when it comes to 'accomplishing' stuff and letting things 'be meaningful.' I want u to 'get' my humor and snarkie perspective on the world. U r my best bro, but I think we can become even more bro-like in the future.
I love you, MomBro.
Previous Mother's Day Post - 2008
Nervous about becoming a father. Not sure how to 'get ready.' Just want my lifestyle to stay the same, even though I have a child. I think I might just buy the kewlest shit for kids and stuff. Hopefully if I invest enough money in useful, high end conceptual babie products, the rest will 'take care of itself.'
Should I get some sort of 'kewl looking sling' that brands me with my babie?
Meme via babygadget
Might get worried about my wife's back if she wears it for more than 10 hours per day.
Glad it comes with a 'male template' so that I can still chill in my aviators.
Might just get naked in an edgy movie about bros starting FIGHT CLUBS, and then become a mom and buy a free-spirited bicycle that is meant for hauling humans around. Want my kids to never have to suffer by riding in a car.
Photo via Jezebel
(Might also start a late night business with this contraption.
I will participate in quirky art projects that bring me closer 2 my wife during her pregnancy.
Yall... I'm nervous... does n e 1 have n e parenting tips, ideas, products, or literature that will make my life easier?
Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
Saw this picture of Bjork, and I feel worried about her (not just because she looks like a RLLY free-spirited mom). I think her whole gimmick is 'h8ing paparazzi' and 'wanting to be judged only on her art.' However, I don't think she realizes that whenever she wears something free-spirited, and individual-ish, she is just inviting people to 'blog about her.'
Think she is inviting gimmicks like 'fashion police' and 'OMG WHAT IS SHE WEARING' columns to 'make fun of her.' Feel like she is starting to come across like 'a zany bag lady.' I understand that I think she is being 'true to herself', but I think in our modern world, sometimes even the most free-spirited people need to tone it down in order to 'maintain a little bit of privacy/pride.'
She has achieved master-meme status, becoming one of those artists who 'mainstreamers know about, and associate her with high-end alternative status, regardless of whether or not her music is good/identifiable.' She has to be careful, because that means 'the mainstream world is watching her', looking to convert her into a blurbabble/bloggable meme, no matter how small one of her actions might be.
Sad that Bjork is 'getting older.' Want every1 who is/was 'relevant' to stay young forever. When famous people 'get older', it reminds me that I am 'getting older.' When I look in the mirror, I will probably always see some1 who 'looks attractive', even if I am completely wrong. We don't need celebrities to 'make us feel our age.' This is why Madonna is so successful--she realizes that she must maintain a youthful image in order to keep her fans from 'getting sad about being all old.'
Still can't believe Bjork executed the greatest award show dress meme of all time
(might be this for Halloween as a 'throwback alt costume')
Wonder if Ellen will beat Oprah
Photo via Hel Looks
As yall know, I am a tween who attends an upscale private school with an emphasis on the performing & liberal arts. The tuition there is close to what some dumb people pay for a semester at their state university/community college. My parents aren't the wealthiest people--fortunately I am on scholarship at this school. Sometimes I don't fit in with all of the other rich, entitled kids, but it makes me work harder to be the best without the cushion of rich parents.
My mom is a little bit on 'the free spirited side.' She is one of the most active parents at school, and has formed many relationships with teachers and leaders of on campus organizations. I h8 to say this, but I am kinda embarrassed when we drive up to school in our old mini van, and then when my mom gets off the car sometimes. I feel poorer than the rest of the kids when I am doing a good job of fitting in, even though I don't have all of the tools 2 fit in that other kids have. Wish my parents made more money. Want 2 fit in
Just sux. I 'love' my mom, but at the same time, kinda wish she would realize how important a personal brand is, even when ur a tween.
Just do me a favor and drop me off a block away from school, mom. If u loved me, u'd understand.
Previous free spirited mom coverage
"This is not a disco, nor a country club. This is Los Angeles."
-Sheryl "Livestrong" Crow
In 2009, all we will want 2 do is have a lil fun. Authentic fun. The kind of fun that can only be embodied by a song that is accessible to females from age 7 to 72. Hot women will be kind of fair, but kind of 'saucy' in a 'mystic drifter' kind of way. In 2k9, the synthesizer market will crash, and we will see the acoustic guitar market explode.
<3 free spirited moms + cool dads
XX BONUS CRUNKCORE COVERAGE XX
Gonna miss u when u r just a meme from 2k8, Brokencyde. At least they made the Mexican peoples of the world proud.
Worried that music will sound Crunkcore in 2k9 :-(
I'm not sure if yall have noticed, but I HIPSTER RUNOFF is going to start pushing a 'progressive conservative alternative agenda.' I want 'authentic family values' mixed with 'authentic altness' so that we can strengthen or local scenes, & help every1 feel like they are part of a special movement that is bigger than ourselves.
I want us to reach out to people from our past who we didn't connect with, and even to our parents so that they can understand that we have found a better way to live life. We need more alts in the world, and we need to let them know that they can be a part of the family.
I was particularly touched by an email from an HRO reader who is trying her best to make the world a little bit more alt. She made her mother an authentic Birthday Card.
What can u do 2 make the world a better place?
R u going to make ur family a slideshow in Keynote for Xmas?
R u going to promise 2 make ur mom 1 bloghouse mixtape per month?
Are you going to go around town and hang up meaningful signs typed in Helvetty?
Now that Barry Obammy is Pressy, we have to do more to make sure that we r making the world a better place. If a black man can become President, then I believe every mainstreamer can become alt.
We need more Arts N Crafts funding in our suburban communities 2 fight depression + suicide.
[Photo by The Street Walker]
Haven't really tried to communicate with you since mother's day. I appreciate the fact that you have kept money flowing into my account. I'm working on getting a job, I promise. Things are just busy at design school. You'll be happy to know that I have a set of very demanding professors who are getting the best of me. Needless to say, I have big dreams.
I know that sometimes you don't 'get' my lifestyle. That's okay. One day you will. The truth is that I am an artist. I need to tell the world who I am and what is on my mind. Whether it's the way I dress, the content in my facebook profile, or the doodles that I make on coffee shop napkins, all of these small things represent me. (Even though they are small, I have learned to consider them meaningful.)
I've had a lot of false starts on my journey towards adulthood, but please know that I have really matured. I voted for the first time in this election, and I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself. I know you weren't an Obama supporter, but hopefully I can change your mind at Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe we can also talk about how I don't believe in God any more, if time permits.
You see? I have my own mind now. Free of being impressionable. I am unique these days, mom. You'd be proud of me. The other night, my friends and I stayed up til 6 a.m. drinking box wine and talking about life/philosophy/design/consumerism. I just think things are really headed in the right direction for me. I might have to study abroad soon to make sure I am immersed in a meaningful culture where authentic ideas can really soak into my brain.
Thanks for all of your support, mom. I know sometimes you don't 'get' why I am the way that I am, but one day, it will all make sense. Tell dad I said hey. I hope he isn't still mad at me for quitting sports in high school. Sometimes I play frisbee golf.
AltKid Growing Up
Give them some times. You'll grow into them.
P.P.S: Please send a little bit more money. The seasons are changing and I need some new jackets and stuff like that. I have my eye on this black leather one, or maybe a pea coat.
Previous letter to my mom
Yall. I know a lot of yall guys and gals wear leggings. However, after M.I.A.'s monumental 'performance while pregnant', we can't help but wonder if the leggings aesthetic will forever be associated with Pregnant People. I know that before 2k8, pregnant people usually just work 'some baggy jogging pants' or maybe some other 'comfy pants' with 'a drawstring.' However, I think leggings are the future of Stylish Pregnant Women, yall.
I wonder what M.I.A. is craving. Hopefully it's some zany combination of sweet & sour foods. Do pregnant women really crave stuff, or are they just using the excuse of 'having a baby' to eat whatever they want?
(Hope those shoes provide enuff ankle support with her added weight. I'd recommend some New Balances.)
Is the free-spirited-est mom the one who performs at a Sponsored Alternative Party while her child is still inside of her? Is this unborn child the youngest being to ever be [PARTY PIC-ED]?
[Photos by Kyle Dean Reinford Photography]
Blogging about all of these females makes me wonder why I blog about them. Whether it's Uffie, Alice Glass, or M.I.A., I am not very into their music, and I don't really know how to evaluate whether or not they are talented. All I can really do is talk about 'how they look.' Is that alright, yall? Am I a 'sexist' who think that a woman's place is 'in the electro equivalent of the kitchen'?
Does n e 1 know who 2 contact to offer M.I.A. between $10-$20 for the [EXCLUSIVE] rights to her baby photos?
Lil Alts should have the freedom to roam where ever their alt-hearts desire.
I'll never 4get the first time my mom took me to a music festival. She dressed me up in the most [HIGHLY STREET FASHION BLOGGABLE] clothes possible. We even got a pair of Festival boots on clearance from my local boot store boutique called 'Target.'
I was pumped to see my fave band EL GUINCHO, but he cancelled. Fortunately, Pitchfork was deep enough to put Animal Collective as a headliner/a meaningful night time slot. The performance changed my life. I don't even enjoy traditional music in traditional formats any more--I will only go to Animal Collective live shows for the rest of my life.
N e ways...my too-free-spirited mom fell in luv with this alt-celeb musician/party photog. I ended up holding her Bud Heavie all day. Eww !!!!!#&%!!!$!
I wish my mom wasn't so free spirited. What will my future be like?
Will I rebel against my mom's free spirited ways and become a mainstreamer? Or will I abuse her free-spiritedness to become my high school's alt-est, free spirited-est girl whose mom lets her drink box wine at sleepovers if her friends 'turn in their keys & promise not 2 leave the house'?
[only connect on FLICKR]
My free-spirited mum took me to Glastonbury Music Festival to see a black man rapper guy sing Oasis' "Wonderwall." It wasn't that good. A little bit gimmicky in an 'i am a rapper who luvz attention and has no concept of what an internet meme is so I will continue doing things that I think are historically relevant but no1 rlly cares' kind of way. I like the ________ version of "Wonderwall" waaay better.
N E WAYS.... My mum is one of those krazie festival people who wears zany clothes/wig/tiedye boots/leggings/a kreepie smile, and even has a lucky pair of mud boots. She dressed me up in a custom-made trash bag and bought me some boots at Wal Mart so that I could play in the mud with all of the other 'kids at heart' who attend music festivals.
[Images by the Plastic Choko]
I would be scared of attending festivals in Europe. They don't have enough classic festival bros. Maybe non-Americans didn't ever really connect with jam bands and deep rock bands like Incubus. They all look like they are in uninteresting British rock bands that MTV tries to tell me are 'the next big thing.' :-(
Do Europeans like David Matthews, or do they only listen to Ricky Martin/Aqua/Shakira/Wyclef/other artists that perform at the beginning of large-scale global sporting events?
I was looking at a street fashion blog, and I stumbled upon this free-spirited alt-MILF with a lil alt human accessory. It reminded me of the blog The Hipster Runoffs, since that's what they talk about all of the time.
She is so free-spirited that she has inspired a creepie passer-by to envision his life with a free-spirited mom who had a little boy who wore bandanas.
"Men who are strong enough to accept that a woman loves her son more than she will ever love him are the strongest men in the world.'
-Stepdads who wear Stepdad jeans
The worst part about having a free spirited mom is that sometimes they will forget to buy you food, school supplies, and clothes because they spend a lot of money thrifting and drinking box wine.
Did u get ur Cory Kennedy shirt yet? If not for urself, u can get one for your mom. She'll probably feel liberated & edgy. She has put on some weight after giving birth to you and your mainstream sister, so I think this loose fitting t-shirt will be something that she could wear to Chili's or to the gym.
I can't believe the target market for Cory Kennedy shirts are Free Spirited Moms. I wonder if she subscribes to Reader's Digest?
Free Spirited Moms may or may not be married to Cool Dads (or divorced from one).
[Photo by The Cobrasnake]
My free spirited mom
loves the buzzband human
Makes us listen 2 it on the way to school every day
I didn't realize that she was a relevant indie buzzband
I thought she was some sort of Children's Phonetic Training Audio Exercise Tape
Just trying to train my brain / mouth to pronounce words
and enunciate correctly
Turns out that people actually 'listen to this Newsom lady'
Honestly no idea this can be considered 'legitimate art'
I even googled her latest album, and it was apparently a 'flop' both commercially and critically
Worried I won't turn out 2 be authentic if my mom keeps listening 2 irrelevant buzzbands.
Wish my mom listened to mainstream slutwave artists
Sorta just wanna watch some Sesame Street
Watch Katy Perry's cha chas flopping around
as Elmo motorboats her
Kinda pissed that my alt mom 'compromised' my privacy / identity
and my cool dad 'went along with it'
just so that I would get music blog coverage
since they think I'm gonna be in a whimsical lofi buzzband when I grow up
Pissed that they enrolled me in 'harp lessons' just to be 'more like Joanna'
Wish they realized
that I am me
(and that Joanna Newsom is a terrible artist who makes poo poo albums)
Wish I could just enjoy a mainstream, un-viral childhood
but here I am
doing my phonics exercises
and getting 'mad views' on the youtube
Is Joanna Newsom 'relevant'?
Do yall still h8 her music?
Do u think her personal brand/style is 'brilliant' or 'mad annoying'?
Does Joanna Newsom sound like a 2 year old is yelling in2 a microphone with some Renaissance Fair instruments in the background?
Can Joanna Newsom recover after a disastrous 2k10?