HIPSTER RUNOFF

Digital technology and social media can be liberating for any human being, no matter your age, race, size, color, or religious background. It gives is the opportunity to capture moments 4evr, but these moments become meaningless rituals. Every year, we go to a local retailer to purchase Christmas gifts. But what if I told u that ur mundane reality was ready 2 be challenged?

At first, I was confused. Just searching for the Michael Buble/She & Him Christmas album in the music section of Target. A crappy version of Wham's "Last Christmas" came on. Old people swarmed from hidden aisles, dancing around like savages. I was annoyed. I stopped--I stared. I saw my entire life flash b4 my eyes. I saw myself growing older. This was truly their last dance. Their first and last digital footprint that will be uploaded 4evr into the cloud.

Old ppl vibing in a flash mob.
This is what it means 2 be alive.

Later that day, I was going shopping for cargo jeans at JCPenney's. It happened again. A tribe of wonderful old people, delightfully dancing around. Challenging social norms. Being alive. Celebrating. I could not escape from the zombie-like shuffle of their dance moves. Smiling, laughing, eager to share links with their loved ones.

I no longer felt afraid to grow older, uglier, fatter, irrelevant-er, out of touch-er, insane-er. Seeing these old ppl flash mob made me know 4 sure that no matter how old I was, I could still broadcast myself 2 the world. Old. Haggard. Lamestream. There is beauty in the breakdown of my body.

I settled down into the cafeteria for a jello dinner. It happened again. Confused. Alive. Sad. Alone. Together. The feelings of a flash mob. The feelings of an old person.

When u r old, will u participate in flash mobs?
Did these old ppl 'kill the vibes' or challenge social norms?
Do these old ppl make u feel 'alive' or 'effing doomed'?
Do old ppl make u smile, or do they make u cry?
Will u put ur parents in a home that facilitates flash mob behavior, or will they just be put on tons of meds and left to gaze into a tv screen while they shovel liquid-based foods into their mouths?

As u may know, we are all dying, and our bodies are slowly deteriorating, joint by joint, bone by bone, and one day we will be unable to even wipe our own asses. There is something abt the process of dying that unites humanity, but more importantly, an entire generation who is coming to terms with 'getting old' and being unable to do things like they did when they were young, like playing basketball and having 'effing ridonk sex without ur peen going soft.' Cool dads are a very important indie market, and they are not immune from aging. Despite their love for boring indie rock played by white men, they are going thru tons of issues.

• Male pattern hair loss
• Hair in NEW places!
• Diabetes
• Sleep Apnea
• Snoring
• Miscellaneous pains
• heart attacks
• High Blood Pressure
• High cholesterol
• Erectile Dysfunction
• Torn ACLs
• Tennis elbow
• STDs
• getting ur tubes tied
• and many more middle-aged-man issues.

That's why Bon Iver released this new video informercial for 'doing exercise.' Apparently, it helps to keep u alive longer and ur body healthy. He must be trying to become some sort of 'fitness expert', eventually becoming a judge on the Biggest Loser where u get to humiliate fat ppl. It's basically the opposite of having a 'feeder' fetish.

He found some 'in shape twink' at his local gym. Usually when I want to pick up a guy, I'll do a Zumba or Core-building class, then 'see what happens' in the showers/sauna.

Bon Iver's life is WAY BETTER bc of exercise. Even when he is on the road, he still exercises, and even makes his band do it. Basically, this seems like it is some sort of advertisement for 'Curves for Men' or something.

Props to Bon Iver for beating his sciatica, or whatever he said he has. I am afraid of turning into a cool dad, my metabolism slowing down, and having to dedicate my life 2 health and fitness so I don't become some 'fat lamestream dad eating 6 strips of bacon for breakfast.' Hopefully one day I can 'ball' with him, and take out his lower back in order to 'win the game', then every1 will be like 'it's just a pickup game, man. why r u taking it so seriously?' and I'll be all like 'I play the game to effing win, bitches. GAME OVER.'

R u afraid of being a middle aged man?
R u afraid of being an uncool dad?
R u afraid of geting older?
Could Bon Iver 'beat the shit out of Win Butler' at basketball, or would Win Butler 'cheap shot' his back?

Should the Milwaukee Bucks move 2 Chicago, putting a 2nd NBA Team in one of the biggest American Markets, similar to NYC and LA?
Has Justin Vernon 'gone too far' 2 try to appeal 2 cool dads?
Is 'getting older' a very vulnerable process?
Do u think u can stay young 4evr?

Bon Iver

Alternative Celebrity

Bon Iver is a bearded man from a Midwestern forest who sounds like Bruce Hornsby and once collab-ed with Kanye West.

Lists: indie hunks, beards

Read more>>>>

After watching hundreds of episodes of '16 and Pregnant'
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be 'Alt and Pregnant'...
Could I really handle the rigors of being a mother
and maintain my alternative credibility?

Could I still party?
Could I still drink?
Could I still smoke?
Could I still go to Coachelly and Southby...
or would my ankles swell up and hurt?

Sometimes I understand that I want more than material things
More than VIP, sponsored experiences
But then at the same time... I want those things 4evr
I want to be able to go on 'sweet benders'
even when I am pregnant
even when I have to take my son to school at 6 am every morning

Part of me wants to 'be young 4evr'
Avoid responsibilities,
but maybe babies will be fun
Maybe I'll learn a lot about myself
maybe I can pass my alt ways
to my unborn

I want to be a parent
I want to be Alt & Pregnant
I want to be a good, Alt Parent
But I also want 2 partie

Can u be alt and pregnant?
Do u have to sacrifice 'good times' and altness' when u have a child?
Do u know an alt who got 'prematurely pregnant' and it ruined her alt life?
Should there be a show on MTV/IFC/FUSE about how hard it is 2 be alt and pregnant?
Can you drink and smoke and do MDMA when ur preggers?
If u 'get effed up' while ur preggers, does ur baby 'get effed up 2' [via partying]?

Photo by thecobrasnake

Dear Rich Old Cool Dude Whose House We Partied At Last Night,

Let me first start out by saying you are one of the chillest bros I have ever met in my life. Even though u r twice my age, you might actually be twice as chill as me. You are one of the main inspirations in my life, proving that you can get rich quick off some gimmick, then spend the rest of your life chilling, partying, and doing rich people stuff.

Your house is beautiful. So much space for partying, great location, great views, and since it is located on acreage, we were safe from any threat of the cops busting the party. Even if the police came, you probably would have invited them to chill & party with us--that's just how chill of a bro u r. I have never attended such a chill party with tons of alcohol, marijuana, recreational hallucinogens, blow, kush, hookah bar access, and even a sex dungeon that I wandered into late in the night.

I was also impressed with your selection of food. A wide range of dips including spinach artichoke, 3 types of homemade hummus, queso, goat cheese, 5 types of salsa, guac, and even a fajita bar (before it ran out). Also...let's just say "the brownies were delish ;-P [via WEED]." Your Costco Membership seems like it really came in handy last night.

You are more than just another Cool Dad. Cool dads are trying so hard to tell u that their lives' are meaningful just because they had a kid and are forced working middleclass/uppermiddle class boring/creative jobs. I'm not sure whether or not you have a kid, but if you did, it would probably be a chill lil bro, and wouldn't be a big deal. You will still be open to throwing huge ass parties at your house where random people come to drain your resources. You might not have many real friends, but you can surround yourself with young people who are more than willing to make you feel young forever. If I could stay young forever, Lord knows I would be your bro in the long run.

I have been to a few house parties at 'rich peoples' houses, but it is usually the 'parents out of town thing', and either there is nothing to drink/smoke/eat, or the spoiled rich kid is trying to kick every1 out the entire night. Your house was the exact opposite. A chill, homely environment was created where no1 was 'going too crazy', but at the same time, every1 was 'chilling hard.' It was truly the 'Golden Corral of hardcore drug use' because of your generosity.

Please feel free to give me some tips on 'how to get rich' and find a career that allows you to chill mad hard. I heard rumors that you made your fortune when you started a _____________ company. I wouldn't mind a work hard + party hard + chill hard lifestyle, just as long as I could 'go big' OnDemand like you do.

The night was so memorable. Your house is so 'palatial' but also has some really positive modern design elements. We almost got in trouble when we were exploring your huge house, then you came up to us and pretended to be angry at us, holding a gun to my head. But then you 'lost your shit' laughing when you saw how scared I was. We all shared some nervous laughter, and then huffed some freon together. When I woke up from my blackout, I was laying in your bed, and I could tell that the Egyptian cotton sheets had a super high thread count.

I want to be like u when I grow up. A lot could happen between now and then. I might not become rich, and I might never have a real career. I might grow up and lose touch with the party scene. I might never receive a late night text message about an early morning afterparty at your house ever again. But maybe nights like last night can't happen every night. Maybe they do happen every night, and that is ur life--a life that I am openly jeal of.

Rich old dude whose house we Partied at--you are one of the greatest bros I have ever met in my life. And I only knew you for one night. But what a night it was...

Signed,
A bro who went wild'n'out at ur house last night

PS: I stole a _________ from your house.

Have yall ever partied at a rich dude's house who u didn't know?
Was the vibe chill, dangerous, or thrilling?
Do u hope to be independently wealthy when ur old, but still mingle with kids from the alt scene?
Have u ever been to a Golden Corral?

Photos via sorryimissedurparty

Sometimes I wonder how many more opportunities I will have to chill hard with my bros. It seems like something inside of me 'wants to settle down with a woman and own her', but that type of commitment requires 'moving on with my life' and leaving bro chill sessions behind. It seems like people don't realize that weddings are not just a celebration of the union of man and woman, but also a 'going away party' for your Quality Bro Time. Your bros have always been there for you, and you have probably had more fun/better conversations with your bros than you will ever have with your mate.  But it's time to 'move on' from being 'just another bro.'  It's time to be a married bro and start a family.

Groomsmen photos seem to authentically capture the last moments of 'bro.'

Bros seem excited to 'go to weddings for their bros.'  It's like 'we can't believe we are growing up, becoming men, working at Insurance Agencies.'  Groomsmen might be The Ultimate Bros, because it is the last opportunity to 'be a bro to your bro.' After all the awkward moments where you want to share life/tell a bro how much he means to you, bros are finally given the opportunity to 'be there' for their bro   It seems like women are 'genuinely happy for eachother' when a female friend gets married. I think that women 'honestly believe that every1 else has a better life than them', so they are sorta jealous to see one of their friend symbolically 'moving on.'

I just want my wedding to be a celebration for me and my bros. I want to take plenty of pictures, since it might be the last time that we 'look good/young' on camera. Sad that 'this is the end.'

Just want the wedding-goers to realize that me and my bro-clan is a group of 'very interesting people.' We are not like traditional groups of men, we are light-hearted, silly, and compassionate. Sorta want to post my groomsmen photos on facebook, and then make a comment saying 'Damn. We look good.' or something like that, then see my bros chime in with references to zany comedies.

We look good in our suits, and we might wear 'sweet ass sunglasses.'

It seems like this is our last chance to 'look good', before we get older, fatter, balder, less in touch with 'what we think is kewl.'

Just need to take one last great picture with my groomsmen. One image that showcases who we are as a group of bros. Need to let every1 know that we are 'a lil bit zany.' We need old people to see our youth, see our bond, and sorta get jealous + sad about dying.

'I'll never forget that one time in high school/college.' -a pack of bros

This this picture was taken on a bridge to represent some sort of metaphor for 'a bridge connecting the past to the future.' In the past we were bros, but in the future, we shall be husbands and fathers. We will have more responsibilities than ever, and our lives' will no longer belong to us. This is the last moment of bro.

I sorta hope I am able to 'stay in touch' with my bros. It seems like some ppl expect to 'still have friendships' when u get married, but they don't realize marriage doesn't really allow for that. U are dedicated to taking care of some1's insecurities, and possibly helping them coordinate their meal schedule.

I feel sad that one day I will lose my bros, but I hope it is 4 'the right gal.' Wish I had taken advantage of my 'glory days', back when every night was a chill bro session. It seems like on my wedding day, I might start to think that I am a homosexual, because I will have so many emotions about my bros being there for me. I will probably cry a lil bit, and my bride/wife will think it is for her, but it will actually be because

But srsly yall... should my group of groomsmen bros wear Converses?

Or should we chill in Vans?

Afraid of being a late-20s alt, and feeling 'pressured' to do mainstream things like get married/start a family/buy an economical car.

Previous Important Wedding Posts
White People Must go to Extremes to make a Life Event ’seem meaningful.’
My Meaningful Alternative Wedding

I was looking at photos of ACL, one of the world's most indie music festivals with headliners like Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews Band, Kings of Leon, and Yea Ya Yeahs. I couldn't help but notice the new trend of 'old krazie looking dudes' having indie bands. It seems like the indie music playing field has leveled, and it no longer matters 'what u look like.' I remember when I was a teenager, I had an expectation of 'what a buzzband should look like.' Usually a group of 4 peppy looking/deep looking/tragic looking alts who were passionate about the music they were playing live.

Now it seems like any1 can be in a buzzband. It's like modern indie fans have matured enough to accept every1, just as long as they have a good product.

I remember when Dan Deacon 'first invaded the scene.' It seems like he might have represented accepting the 'middle aged' man aesthetic into the indiesphere. A man who is 'old' but still represents youth + a care-free attitude.

It seems like old men with the aesthetic of 'ur krazy Uncle who was homeless for a while' are 'making it' as indie bands.

I feel like acceptance of the 'krazy old man' aesthetic might be some sort of 'equal opportunity agenda' that indie bros have in their heads. Maybe some sort of subconscious insecurity about 'getting older.' Like we need 2 make sure that we look like the people who are entertaining us. When men watch sports, they always feel comfortable watching 18-30 year olds playing as professionals, but I don't think that's how music work. It seems like you select the bands you will follow for the rest of your life between the ages of 18-28.5. Not sure if you would 'get into' the All American Rejects if u were a 50 year old dad. Just hard 2 take young ppl srsly when they have that look of 'having their whole lives ahead of them.'

Going to be sad when a music festival is meant to appeal to both me and my future tween son+daughter. There will be an 'old indie bro' stage and a 'tween stage.' We will drive to the festival together, but spend the day apart, perhaps uniting once during the day for 'sausage on a stick' or some sort of festival treat like that.

Seems like Coachella 2k10 might be that festival [via Pavement Reunion].
R u scared of turning into an OldAlt?

XX BONUS RELEVANT MUSING XX

Can u tell how mainstream a music festival is by looking at a photograph of attendees from the waist down?

[via Painters Jeans]

Photo via lookbook

Hey yall. This is actually a serious post for once. I recently went home to visit with my family, who I usually don't like to talk about on my blogsite since they mean a lot to me (at least since the divorce). However, I experienced something that I need help coming to terms with, and I feel like a lot of the RanoffCommunity could help me with some strategies on 'how 2 deal.' I guess I just wanted to say... my lil brother is turning alt.

What should I do?

I feel like I could help him become an authentic alt, but I don't know if there is a 'roadmap' towards altdom that he could follow. I became alt very organically, so it is just troubling to see him dress like an alt without actually 'living the life' that I have lived. His look is so tidy, as if it was purchased from the local shopping centre. I am not sure how to feel about his aesthetic. He can't even grow 'real' facial hair yet. Part of me is happy 4 him, but part of me is jealous that he has more alt opportunities than I had while I was growing up.

I looked in his dresser and saw that he had a 'collection of scarves.' Nearly constructed a 'noose' out of them and hung myself.

Well yall. While I'm getting personal, I might as well talk a lil bit about my sister. She's 16, and she's grown up so fast. I was always worried about her 'becoming a slut', and I don't think she has really been 'tainted.' I think she wants to go to Pratt, or some stereotype like that, even though my parents have saved enough for her to go to a State University.

(Also I think she started smoking... Not sure whether or not I should have an intervention or if I should let her get the cancer.)

Not gonna worry about her...she's gonna make her own decisions.
I guess that's life... u can choose ur friends but u can't choose ur family. I guess I should just be happy that they are searching 4 meaning, attempting 2 be alt... attempting to express themselves... I guess 'alt blood' sorta runs in the family.

Whenever I have a question about life, I can always just ask my grammy.

Photo via yvanrodic

It's kinda weird how she has become more alt as time has gone on. I'm not sure if she's 'losing it', or if living so many years on this Earth can teach u a few things about life, society, indie music, and zany fashion-forward fashions. I don't even know if she is 'trying' 2 be alt... It seems like she has a way of finding all of tomorrow's fashions without even trying. Might go to my local drug store to buy some 'old ppl glasses.'

I feel better. It was a good weekend at home. I guess I should just learn how to be happy for my family. Let them grow up. Let them make their own mistakes. U just want every1 to be happy, enjoy their youth, make their own decisions.

I'm afraid 2 die. Afraid of 'loved ones' dying.
Should I 'beat the shit' out of my brother/sister 4 being an 'inauthentic piece of shit'?
Are old ppl 'naturally alt'?
How do u deal with ur siblings and the impact of 'modern consumer culture' on their identity construction process?

Photo via GirlsofEbay

I am sure that 80% of the world is familiar with the FUPA, an acronym for 'Fat Upper Pussie Area.' It seems like after the mom jeans resurgence of 2k7, FUPAs were really just 'inevitable.' As females continue to grow older, their metabolism will slow down, and they will begin to gain weight. Usually women gain weight in their ass and thighs first. (Men are more likely 2 get 'bellies'.) It seems like this FUPA trend might be 'metabolically driven', as opposed to just a 'viral marketing gimmick.'

It seems like FUPAs are some sort of rare phenomenon, possibly caused by the form fitting structure of most altPants. Maybe as u gain wait, the tightness of ur pants 'shape' where fat is distributed. Seems like it might be a 'major health risk' or something. Wish that Parsons/Pratt would do some sort of 'study' about that, instead of just generating 'designers' who will work for mainstream brands. Seems like FUPAs might be 'trendy' but also 'unhealth.'

From what I understand, they sell 'butt pads' for women with no asses. I wonder if some1 will market FUPA pads, for skinny girls with a Skinny_Upper_Pussie_Area. I might add this as a product to iamcarles.com, in order to capitalize on tween females who are still 'rain thin' but want that extra 'padding' to achieve an older aesthetic.

(Did yall used 2 stuff ur bras when u felt like u had no titties?)

Feel confused about FUPAs, mom jeans, skinny jeans, and how health + fashion can counteract one another. Might buy velco orthopedic shoes for old people to have a post-ironic prsnl brand, but more importantly, to give feet/arc/ankles proper support, ensuring the load bearing capabilities of my footwear are optimized.

Do yall think that FUPAs will 'catch on' in the next decade?
Will alternative women gain weight in the next decade?

Will altwomen have to 'retire' leggings in 2k10?
Will the current alt generation 'gain weight' and how will it alter the future of fashion?
Do u have any health tips 4 'staying thin' besides 'shopping at Holes Foods and 'doing lines of blow'?
R u a bro with a FUPA?