HIPSTER RUNOFF

As u may know, we are all dying, and our bodies are slowly deteriorating, joint by joint, bone by bone, and one day we will be unable to even wipe our own asses. There is something abt the process of dying that unites humanity, but more importantly, an entire generation who is coming to terms with 'getting old' and being unable to do things like they did when they were young, like playing basketball and having 'effing ridonk sex without ur peen going soft.' Cool dads are a very important indie market, and they are not immune from aging. Despite their love for boring indie rock played by white men, they are going thru tons of issues.

• Male pattern hair loss
• Hair in NEW places!
• Diabetes
• Sleep Apnea
• Snoring
• Miscellaneous pains
• heart attacks
• High Blood Pressure
• High cholesterol
• Erectile Dysfunction
• Torn ACLs
• Tennis elbow
• STDs
• getting ur tubes tied
• and many more middle-aged-man issues.

That's why Bon Iver released this new video informercial for 'doing exercise.' Apparently, it helps to keep u alive longer and ur body healthy. He must be trying to become some sort of 'fitness expert', eventually becoming a judge on the Biggest Loser where u get to humiliate fat ppl. It's basically the opposite of having a 'feeder' fetish.

He found some 'in shape twink' at his local gym. Usually when I want to pick up a guy, I'll do a Zumba or Core-building class, then 'see what happens' in the showers/sauna.

Bon Iver's life is WAY BETTER bc of exercise. Even when he is on the road, he still exercises, and even makes his band do it. Basically, this seems like it is some sort of advertisement for 'Curves for Men' or something.

Props to Bon Iver for beating his sciatica, or whatever he said he has. I am afraid of turning into a cool dad, my metabolism slowing down, and having to dedicate my life 2 health and fitness so I don't become some 'fat lamestream dad eating 6 strips of bacon for breakfast.' Hopefully one day I can 'ball' with him, and take out his lower back in order to 'win the game', then every1 will be like 'it's just a pickup game, man. why r u taking it so seriously?' and I'll be all like 'I play the game to effing win, bitches. GAME OVER.'

R u afraid of being a middle aged man?
R u afraid of being an uncool dad?
R u afraid of geting older?
Could Bon Iver 'beat the shit out of Win Butler' at basketball, or would Win Butler 'cheap shot' his back?

Should the Milwaukee Bucks move 2 Chicago, putting a 2nd NBA Team in one of the biggest American Markets, similar to NYC and LA?
Has Justin Vernon 'gone too far' 2 try to appeal 2 cool dads?
Is 'getting older' a very vulnerable process?
Do u think u can stay young 4evr?

Bon Iver

Alternative Celebrity

Bon Iver is a bearded man from a Midwestern forest who sounds like Bruce Hornsby and once collab-ed with Kanye West.

Lists: indie hunks, beards

Read more>>>>

Fat lady
ur so fat
and ur so lazy
u eat bad food at Burger King
poisoning ur body.

Standing behind u in line at Burger King
I can't believe how fat u r.
Jesus Christ
Ur so lazy

U probably got fat
because ur so lazy
(maybe u have chronic fatigue syndrome
or recently had surgery to repair ur knee/ankle)
probs not, tho

LOLing hard @ u
ur fat
Kinda like Chris Farley,
except ur not funny
ur just sad

h8 u
because u represent everything that is wrong with America
U mother fucker
Ur so lazy
u probably have lazy kids on food stamps
feeding them fast food
diabetes

OMG
I h8 u soo much
Srsly... u can't even stand up?
Jesus Christ, get some exercise
U don't need to be at BK
eating a triple cheeseburger

Gonna take out my camera
and take a picture of u
because u r a funnie meme
gonna share u on the internet
make ur fat ass go viral
because people on the internet will 'get' why this is funny

Glad I live on the internet
and not in Middle America
So I can share content with my friends
instead of eating myself 2 death

Dear lord
ur so lazy
i wish I could share u with u
so u could see what I see
and why u r such a funny, sad meme

Still LOLING @ U
because can't even stand up 2 wait in line
sorta wish there was just a trough of slop 4 u
to put ur snout in
oink oink
BurgerKingwave
Fast food Nation
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Eating myself 2 death
BURGERKING
CHICKEN TENDER FRIES
Happy Meal
McDonalds
Wendy's

Still kinda loling @ how lazy that lady is
pulling up a chair
waiting in line
ur such a fat meme. hehe

Maybe u can't say in the Burger King Kids Club forever
cuz if u eat Burger King or every meal,
u will just get mad fat
then get diabetes
then die 4evr

I have always been told that it is important to get vaccinated from miscellaneous evils like 'the flu', 'the bird flu', 'the swine flu', 'bacterial meningitis', miscellaneous Hepatitis strands, and even 'HPV.' As u grow older, ur body needs help fighting off these evil illnesses/bacteria/viruses. Feel sort of vulnerable, like I won't actually live 4evr.  Like there are tons of competing lifeforces that are in direct competition with my own personal lifeforce.

From what I understand, vaccines work because they 'introduce a lil bit of the strand of bad stuff into your body' so that your body is able 2 build up a natural immunity 2 the evil stuff. It's kinda weird how that works. Seems questionable. I feel like the goal of life is 2 'avoid being exposed to germs/etc', not to 'introduce the germs' into your system.  I think this is why companies created 'hand sanitizer' to make sure germs don't spread.

I got scared after watching this video. There was a 'perfectly normal broad' who took a vaccine, then her whole life got turned upside down.

She seems to have 'serious permanent damage' just because she took a flu shot. Needless to say, I won't be taking any vaccines any time soon because I don't want this to happen 2 me. Jesus Christ. Might as well 'get the lethal injection' instead of a vaccine. These things seem dangerous, and I can't believe so many health care professionals still believe in them. Maybe if they saw this video, they would change their minds. Afraid of taking a vaccine, then 'gettin da funky walk.'

It seems like 'the government' has made up an entire schedule of vaccines that I am supposed to take. I don't even know what is in these vaccines. I have heard tons of 'conspiracy theories' that the government is somehow trying to slowly kill us, or at least make sure we die by age 65 so that there aren't population+food issues.

I wonder if the government is trying to slowly kill you, me, & every1 we know.

I feel kinda afraid of swine flu, but I don't think it is worth it to take a vaccine. I might just quarantine myself in my loft for the next 1-3 years until the government kills all the people they want with the H1N1 vaccine. Worried abt the H1N1 vaccine. Part of me wants it since it is 'rare and valuable' (sorta like how people wanted Wiis when they first came out), but part of me is rlly afraid of it. Like this disease is going 2 kill me if it enters my body.

It seems to enter your body in a 'non-traditional way.'

I am rlly afraid of vaccines, yall. I wonder if I should 'risk my brand' and become an anti-vaccine spokesperson. Even though most anti-vaccine ppl seem 'krazie' right now, I feel like in the end, they will be 'right about everything.' I never want a needle entering my child's body, flushing evil into his pure system.

Do vaccines work, or are they just a myth?
Will vaccines kill u?
Should we be afraid of the government?
Do I really need health insurance, or can I take care of myself with proper nutrition and good decisions with multivitamins?
Is there any vaccine that 'actually works'?
Will infants and elders be 'wiped off the Earth' when the next pandemic goes down?

Previous Pandemic/Swine Flu coverage
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2009/04/overwhelmed-by-the-swine-flu.html

http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2009/04/looking-4-something-that-will-protect-me-from-swine-flu-via-american-apparel.html

Photo via GirlsofEbay

I am sure that 80% of the world is familiar with the FUPA, an acronym for 'Fat Upper Pussie Area.' It seems like after the mom jeans resurgence of 2k7, FUPAs were really just 'inevitable.' As females continue to grow older, their metabolism will slow down, and they will begin to gain weight. Usually women gain weight in their ass and thighs first. (Men are more likely 2 get 'bellies'.) It seems like this FUPA trend might be 'metabolically driven', as opposed to just a 'viral marketing gimmick.'

It seems like FUPAs are some sort of rare phenomenon, possibly caused by the form fitting structure of most altPants. Maybe as u gain wait, the tightness of ur pants 'shape' where fat is distributed. Seems like it might be a 'major health risk' or something. Wish that Parsons/Pratt would do some sort of 'study' about that, instead of just generating 'designers' who will work for mainstream brands. Seems like FUPAs might be 'trendy' but also 'unhealth.'

From what I understand, they sell 'butt pads' for women with no asses. I wonder if some1 will market FUPA pads, for skinny girls with a Skinny_Upper_Pussie_Area. I might add this as a product to iamcarles.com, in order to capitalize on tween females who are still 'rain thin' but want that extra 'padding' to achieve an older aesthetic.

(Did yall used 2 stuff ur bras when u felt like u had no titties?)

Feel confused about FUPAs, mom jeans, skinny jeans, and how health + fashion can counteract one another. Might buy velco orthopedic shoes for old people to have a post-ironic prsnl brand, but more importantly, to give feet/arc/ankles proper support, ensuring the load bearing capabilities of my footwear are optimized.

Do yall think that FUPAs will 'catch on' in the next decade?
Will alternative women gain weight in the next decade?

Will altwomen have to 'retire' leggings in 2k10?
Will the current alt generation 'gain weight' and how will it alter the future of fashion?
Do u have any health tips 4 'staying thin' besides 'shopping at Holes Foods and 'doing lines of blow'?
R u a bro with a FUPA?

Memehijack via videogum

Yall. Have been thinking about 'getting in shape' this summer so that I can wear sexie Am Appy tube tops instead of just 1 piece bathing suits to 'cover up my beer bellie' and 'show off my expanding symmetrical hip tattoos.' Worried that I look like an alt-Beached_whale. I saw this cardio program that is apparently for indie rockers. It seems like I can 'really get some results' while not compromising my lifestyle/personal brand, and actually jam out to some kewl music.

I feel like I can really identify with 'these tubby indie girls' who bought their wardrobe at Hot Topic. I think that the moves that they use are 'the exact same dance moves' I use when nonchalantly swaying back and forth at an indie rock show, or when I 'get my grind on' at a Postal Service/AnCo show. Feel like this might be the perfect gift for the 'overweight girl in high school' who starts to have 'indie tendencies' after she 'can't fit in with mainstreamers.' Then she'll 'lose some weight' and 'have a better self-image' while posting Feist lyrics with no relevant context/life-application in her facebook profile.

Just want to create products that are marketed towards people who 'don't know

What sort of moves would yall put in an 'indie rock' fitness video?
What songs would yall use?
Are yall trying 2 lose weight?
"Please use the comments to share ur weight loss tips, stories, and goals."

Sometimes I wonder if I 'worry 2 much'
about 'shit that doesn't matter'
like 'the way I look'
and 'how other ppl perceive me.'

Kinda just want to listen 2 Daft Punk
and 'gain a shit load of weight'
by eating 'bad ass foods' that
'taste awesome' but are 'probably killing me.'

I wish that there was some sort of 'plus size' solution
to look fashionable
and 'seem hip' and 'in the know'
But I think that part of 'being fit'
means that 'u care about being alive.'
wonder if Am Appy will come out with a 'plus size' line in 2k34
when their core market 'gets all old and fat'

Just want to 'be myself'
and like 'chill' and 'go to Chili's' and 'eat McDonalds breakfast'
and 'go out to binge eat Mexican food'
and 'eat lasagna' like the popular cat Garfield

but 'who will love me' for 'who I am'
It would take a strong person
to want to 'cum on'/'cum with'
some1 who is 'larger than life.'

Worried that my heart will stop
or something like that

R u happie with the way u look?
do u end up looking in the mirror for extended periods of time
thinking about the person u will be after u 'get in shape'?
Did u 'lose a lot of weight'/'gain a lot of weight' recently? Why?

Hope u r okay.
want u 2 b happie with who u r
Best,
Carles

[Photos via lookbook]
Isn't it kinda crazy how alts are becoming so 'jacked up.' Not sure if we come out of the womb that way, or if we are 'trying to look interesting/tragic in photographs.' Maybe a lil bit of both. I know it's hard to understand this concept since we're all so different on the outside, but we're actually all the same on the inside. We all have 'bones and organs and cells inside of us.'

Just kinda worried about our bone structures. Not sure if yall realize this, but there are things inside of our body which keep us alive. We need to consume healthy stuff 2 keep us 'strong' and healthy, kinda like vegans except with meat. U need 2 do stuff like take vitamins, and go on long runs, and avoid fried foods and pizza.

If u don't get all of the nutrients that u need, ur body might start 2 'fuck up' and u will look 'jacked up.'

Do I need to drink more MILK?
Should I join a gym?
What can I do to prevent myself

Just kinda scared of the future of our world. What if our bones become Crystallized [Via crystal castles seinfeld meme]?

Worried that I'm not getting enough sun.
Worried that I'm not getting enough calcium.
Worried that I'm not getting enough iron.
Worried that I'm not getting enough Vitamin C.
Worried that I'm not getting enough protein.
Worried that I'm not getting enough exercise.
Worried that I'm not getting enough bro quality time.
Worried that I'm not getting enough love from my divorced parents.
Worried that I'm not getting enough tugs.
Worried that I'm not getting enough CLIF bars.
Worried that I'm not getting enough non-dairy frozen yogurt.
Worried that I'm not getting enough time away from the computer.
Worried that I'm not getting enough time in the wilderness.
Worried that I'm not getting enough 'life.'
Worried that I'm not getting enough Fish Oil / St. John's Wart.
Worried that I'm not getting enough cholesterol medicine.
Worried that I'm not getting enough XANAX.
Worried that I'm not getting enough Lexapro.
Worried that I'm not getting enough ___________.
Are yall worried about yalls health?

do u have seasonal allergies? // seasonal depression?

Are yall scared about 'getting older' and 'losing ur swagger'?
What r u doing 2 deal with 'growin up' or r u 'just gonna die young or live 4ever'?

I saw this picture of MXMW [aka Marc By Marc West (Jacobs)], and I couldn't help but wonder if I should strive '2 b a lil bit healthier' on the inside and out. Whether it's getting a SpongeBobSquareLeggings tattoo, or starting to use the on campus fitness center more often, I wonder what I can do to improve myself in altSpirit, altMind, and altBody.

There's more to 'how you look' than just feeling confident about 'how you look.' Part of 'looking good' means 'feeling better' on the 'inside.' Should I start taking spinning/yoga/step/water aerobics courses? Should I start going on spiritual journeys with my iPod a.k.a. 10 mile runs in the wilderness while listening to meaningfulcore albums in their entirety?

Will I 'get' design if I 'get swole'?
Will my personal brand get 'too mainstream' if I get too 'in shape'? Does 'being in shape' mean that u want to be mainstream?
Should I 'get ripped' and buy a bowflex?

[MXMW photo meme via Pedestrian.tv]

Are muscles the future of the ALT aesthetic?

Will the perfect alt breasts be replaced by the perfect alternative pectoral muscles?

Definitely time 2 sell ur stock in the Kute AZN market. :-(

Who is gonna bail out the kute AZN economy, yall? h8 finance. What does 'money' even mean? Who even invented 'paper that is worth something'? Shoulda invented 'debit cards' back then.
Wish I bought meth instead of the "stock market."