The power of the internet has enabled a global scene, where it’s less about ‘the colour of ur skin’ and more about ‘the colour of ur AmAppy v-neck.’ Modern alternative music is a place where truly talented people thrive. Whether you are an AZN dj, a set of post-post-ironic black rappers who play to crowds of white poeple, or even a Mexi post-hardcore band from El Paso Texas… n e 1 can accomplish their dreams in the altstratosphere. Even people in France who would basically end up in the video for Justice’s “Stress” can become some of the world’s most respected DJs & producers.

Is there such thing as being ‘post-tolerant’? How would u describe your personal-tolerance level? Ur rlly smart, and u understand ‘how st00pid racism is’, but u can’t ‘help but chuckle’ whenever a cliched racist-stereotype manifests itself. (ur s0 selfaware).

R U A RACIST? TELL THE TRUTH, YALL.

N e ways… I wanted to spend some more time talking about ‘minorities’ as they are perceived in a mainstream context, and how that applies to their alternative existences. Since I am not a blipster, I figured I should publish a letter of some one who truly understands his own struggle–a blipster.

//////////////////////////////
////Let’s get Vulnerable//////
/////Race Relations Edition///
/////////////////////////////

An open letter from a self-described Blipster HRO reader:

Carles,
I was thinking about how blipsters don’t have many to look up to. I think that the scourges of alt blipsters are Rhianna and Kanye. When normy ppl see us and say we remind them of them we cringe. 

They’re like the equivalent of mainstream altness of Ashley Simpson and the Jonas brothers. Of course still a bit cooler cuz when brown is added it’s always a lil more alt, though the latter may win for their level of irony an alt can hold when talking about them.

I think Pharell and Santogold are our proper role models. They manage to stay on the fence of mainstream and altness. Pharell has managed to be cool in an alt way and having the public completely not remember his emo days (i.e. colabs with deftones) effortlessly (which all us blipsters hope to have happen about our past late mid/ early high school years) and come out with bangers like everybody nose a hipsters wet dream of a “going out song”! Santagold has a white boyfriend and is friends with MIA. And they do it with seeming to be cool with being black and not using it as a gimmick

They’re like the blipster version of girl talk and ___________ (C.Y.O.A. for a girl equal)
I think the Uncle Tom and aunt jemima for us are spank rock and kid sister
Spank for putting us down and having a slough white alt girls around him. Kid sister for “being” ghetto and talking of section A or is it 8 and being loud like the girls who use to call you an oreo (and probably her too) when you were in high school when you can tell she isn’t and for having a white boyfriend and a bad case of hidden mulatto complex.

I can’t think of flawless “altest of the alts” role models, is it because once you call someone the coolest then almost immediately they become un alt (much like general alt decisions) maybe the guy from TV on the radio, he colabs with Karen o who can probably fill in the c.y.o.a. above).

Or is it because blipsters can never reach the true and purest form of altness cuz it’s not their origin?
This leads me to think about the common inside turmoil that an alt blipster goes through (mostly as a b-alt girl):

• Will I ever be accepted as just a regular alt and not by the color of my skin?
• Even though they’re alt they’re still white are they racists deep down?
• Should I dump my entourage of blispster friends for regular alts, if so does that make me more alt?
• Is my non brown bf/gf browner than me? They listen to Lil Wayne I only listen to Hanway Troof.
• Do they really like me for my true altness or because by dating a blipster at some point in their life they become more alt in their alt bros/hoes eyes?
• When will my parents realize this isn’t a phase and that I’m never going to a Les Nubians or Bilal concert with them?
• Do normy black ppl think that I hate my race/self? I don’t.
• Telling yourself that you go out and like w- alts because they’re the ones who talk to you and black boys/ girls always thought you were weird or an Oreo.
• Will my w-alt girl/boy ever consider me to settle down with?
• When blipster boys/ girls try to talk to me and I don’t respond much, do they think that I only want a white boy/ girl alt? it’s not It’s just cuz I think they’re cornballs and look silly and would much rather prefer a hood (rat), but they think I’m weird.
• Oh snap does that mean I’m a cornball?!
• Should I take out my relaxer to prove I love being black and cuz my perm goes on the fritz while dancing to bangers and weirdly my alt boy keeps encouraging on how awesome it be….. What about my cute bangs?!
• Should I put all these years to waste of being a “smart black kid” and finally being the first in my fam to get a good corporate job, to work at cafes like my friends instead of being desperate and only go out on weekends? My friends can only do that cuz they can live off their ‘rents most times. I CAN’T!!!
• Hey that girl who has recently popped up in my neighborhood, is she a blipster brethren or does she just listen to a lot of Kanye and Lupe?
• Perfecting your slang by tips from your mainstream sibling, to add to your authenticity around the alts
• When you come into an alt scene and there is another blipster do they hate you for stealing their turf? Or do they feel vise versa when they come in and see you?
• Does the more blipsters that are sited at an event, make the event increase in mainstreamness?
• Should we call out our alt friends when they make racist jokes but try to let it sly as ironic or making a social statement?

It’s such a tough world for us, does that make us the altest of the alts, especially since we might actually come from the inner cities that our alt bros moved to. But I think we are the altest cuz we are the same as the gheys!

WE DON’T CHOOSE TO BE ALT INSTEAD OF HOOD. WE WERE BORN THIS WAY.
Do you think I should just give up the alt world and become afro-centric instead, is afro centric the true pure from of African American altness? Settle for afro centric guys who love me for my brown skin and pride?!

Help me find authenticity as a blipster in an alt world Carles
Love
“I prefer blipster rather than niggster”
p.s. anonymously, please incase of usage, otherwise I think all blipsters will hate me and say I hate myself
Do I?
I don’t think so
Do all blipsters go through this or is it just me?
Some is jokingly but mostly not

What do yall have 2 say 2 this self-described ‘blipster’?
I just want to be authentic. How should authentic alts feel about racism?
What can u do to make ‘minori
ties’ in alt-circles know that the colour of their skin doesn’t matter?
Is altdom the new model for ending racism?
Is Carles a racist?
Is HRO a racist meme incubator?
Are you generally a tolerant person, except when it comes to one specific group of peoples?
Have u ever been discriminated against?

QUESTIONS FROM READERS ANSWERED BY HRO BLOGGER “the CARLES”
************
************
************
********

TrappedInSuburbia69 writes:

crls, all types of wayfarers, shuttershades, zany colored sunglasses, no-lens glasses are MNSTRM to extreme levels at my school… and i live in a rich people suburb.
there are people mixing hollister and colored wayfarers on a day to day basis.
i need your advice ryte now! i can’t go back to school looking like one of them. tell me how i can seperate myself.

[Photo by the cobrasnake]

Carles says:
It’s difficult to ’stand out’ once all of 2k7s trends reach suburbia in 2k8. Just ‘dare 2 be different.’ Wear something that u don’t even believe looks good/is cool. Make sure u keep listening to newer music than them. Don’t tell them ur altWebsite content sources. Most kids in your position would ’stop bathing’ so that their smell lets people know that u r way more committed to altdom than they are.

**********
DiabeteBros69 says:

I have type I diabetes from 2 much cereal. Type II is for fat mainstreamers.

Carles says:
Thanks for the info! I only know that Diabetes is something that the Jonas Brothers injected into their bodies.
***********
MuseumEmployee69 writes:

how many automatic alt pointz do i get for working at a gehry building? are they accepted as currency at most chili’s locations?

Carles says:
Working at a Frank Gehry building will get you a lot of free perks in altLife, including $10 Chili’s dollars per week, free admission to Six Flags theme parks, half off Southwest airlines flights to Europe & Japan, V.I.P. priviledges at major music festivals, the ability to browse altMusicSites without having to view the ads, and 1 free abortion for you or your significant other.

******************
RageAgainstTheLate90s writes:

Was Woodstock the first SXSW?

Carles says:
Yes. You may remember SXSWoodstock99 where Fred Durst & the Limp Korns set Austin on fire and they had to rebuild most of the University of Texas campus.

*********
LivingInFear69 writes:

I’m so scared about the electro wars. I heard that France and Australia have huge stockpiles of bangers… Stop BMD proliferation yall.
Furthermore intel suggests that Ableton technology has spread across the entire AZN subcontinent, with young kids as young as 14, indoctrinated by bearded ideologues, now able to mix bangers *in as little as 45 minutes*.

Carles says:
I’m scared, too. Will George W. McCain Obama Palin do something about this? are yall voting or does it ‘not matter’? No1 will ever give me a straight answer. They just tell me 2 vote or die. Things aren’t so black and white, yall! Also, make sure to buy ur duct tape, flashlights, spam, & bottled water.

**********
AmericanContrarian69 writes:

Am I the only one who thinks that wearing American Apparel from head to toe is the least ‘alt’ thing a person can do? I just don’t get it. Alt truly = mainstream when it comes to that. Do you know why I get so angry when i see someone wearing a purple vneck tshirt that was obvs bought that day from AA? Is there a way to just accept that AA is for hipster/scenesters and doesn’t = Alt? Is there a way to let the world know that the more AApurple you wear, the more mnstrm you are?

Carles says:
The American Appy aesthetic is functional for your day-to-day ’subtle’ alt life. American Appy continues to expand their product line to bring you a wider range of colours, prints, and Afrikan stuff. American Appy works 4 u. In a way, American Appy wants every1 to be ‘a little bit alt.’ Some see this as a good thing, and some see this as a bad thing. It really just depends on ur personal brand. True altdom is within–don’t just assume that puting on clothes that were branded as ‘being alt’ makes u an alt. That would be like wearing Nikes and assuming u were going 2 play in the NBA. Being a true alt takes months and blogyears of hard work, yall. BTW… Please support our sponsors, yall! Every item on my body right now is AmAppy–I am brand loyal. Am Appy: The New Nike?

Note: Not a real American Appy ad. Just some myspacer who I found on googleImageSearch who loves his aesthetic.
***********
ItGirl69 asks:

who’s cory kenney?? is she on like a (m)tv show??? i’m i 2old2know???

Carles says:
She was one of the original MTV VJs. She was also the inspiration for the character ‘Daria.’
Daria = Cory Kennedy = their gimmick is that they don’t smile

*************
WorriedAbtMyFriend22 asks:

carles,
i desperately need advice on how to deal with a friend of mine. this summer she is totally becoming an alt after a life of being a mainstreamer. i don;t know how to handle it!? at first it was subtle things, she got some kute bangs and started wearing some tighter jeans and even bought some chucks and wayfarers (i lol’d). she caught me off guard when she asked me what i thought of the new girl talk album, i was like…. “ughhhhh, what? no” and she was like “yeah, i totally think nite ripper was better”…. i was just shocked. now she listens to justice and mia and all that other entry shit and i heard her call herself a hipster (i cringed). i get tha
t she wants to be kute and trendy but seeing this change firsthand is confusing! PLS, what should i do? should i bring it up and talk to her about it or just stay quiet and observe? should i try to help her not look like such an obvious mainstreamer gone alt? try to get tugged by her new gang of vapid trend-whore friends?
PS
pls keep this annonymous, i have a suspicion she might have found ur blog after using my macbook

Carles says:
first of all–put a password on your MacBook. U NEVER want some1 to find out what sites u’ve been browsing. The truth is that your friend is still a mainstreamer, but her context has just changed. U need to embrace her inauthentic new personal brand, and certainly try to get tugged by her gaggle of friends. If you present yourself as an authentic source of trends, new music, and a general value system with which they live their life by+see the world, then u will have it good. Just be sure that you are prepared for your ego to take a hit when an altMale who is more respected in the scene is able to swoon your impressionable tugger away from your control.
MainstreamersGoneAlt are a blessing and a curse, yall. Don’t fall in love with them, ever!

*********
AspiringBlogger69 asks:

do u think i should get blog, blogspot, or xanga? u are the only person i trust to answer this question. i want every1 to read my blog all day everyday.

Carles says:
Xanga is for AZNs. Blogger is for generic people who post 3 times and then quit. Wordpress is for douchebaggy blogs about politics/parenting. Tumblr is for alts/high end design meme consumers. Livejournal is from people who are stuck in the year 2000. Twitter is ass holes. Typepad is for old people. Geocities are for authentic alts?

********
2CatchAPredator69 writes:

dear crls,
i love your blog, but i have a problem. the on;y alt girls my age at my high school are off-limits yo. what is one supposed to do? should i date a younger entry-level alt and try to open her to the world of alt by taking her to see the justice and electro bands? or is she just highly tuggable? should i commute 4 love; san franny’s 45 minutes away though, and i do know/could meet/need to meet some pretty alt girls who go to liberal arts high schools and know how to screen print t-shrts/give good tugjobs/listen to ratatat on lp while “doin iy”?
Help yo.

Carles says:
In the altWorld, the Age of Consent = the age where some1 decides to implement alternative trends into their personal brand. Even if they are as young as 14, something as simple as wearing an interesting shirt, or wearing trendy mom jeans is basically them admitting that ‘they are available on the tug market.’ If it would make you feel more comfortable being with a younger woman, you can always purchase a pair of child predator glasses at ur local pharmacy.

*******
theOfficeFan69 writes:

Is NBC really coming out with a series called HIPSTERS which will merge the humor of ‘The Office’, ‘it’s always Sunny in Philadelphia’, ‘Arrested Development’, and ‘Human Giant’? Should I be excited or scared? Will it be authentic, and will Justin Long be in it?

[via BDavis Tumblr]

Carles says:
I have no idea, yall. But I hope so. I wish there were more people on my Television who I could relate to so I could watch them on hulu/youtube. I h8 not being able to identify with n e modern television characters. I don’t even work in a quirky office/ live on a lost island! sux.

**********
BrookeShields69 says:

i had depression before i found hro.

Carles replies:
In a way, aren’t we all ‘a lil depressed’ in the same way that we’re all ‘a lil bit bi’?

*************
GoingAway2College69 writes:

hey [CRLS], what’s the altiest major? obvi graphic/fashion design is a staple of alternative subcultures, but i feel that something liberal artsy (liberal alty?) is more in line with my personal lifestyle brand. political science or ’sociology’ (whatever that is) sound totes entry-lvl alt. what should the alt-collegiate crowd study 2 stay ahead of the curve?
u r0ck my world.

Carles lists:
1) Miscellaneous Associate’s Degree
2) Photoshop
3) Art History with a focus on the post-Photoshop era
4) Architecture
5) Teaching for America
6) Philosophy with a concentration on Graphic Design Ideology
7) Music Business with a minor in BlogCommunications
8) Alternative Economics
9) Graphic Design (at a school without computers)
10) Sociology + Psychology
11) Marketing
12) Communications
13) A major about music where you spend a year using the campus’ recording facilities to ‘make ur own album’
14) Film with a concentration in French No Wave cinema
15) Film Studies before 1900
16) Mashup Engineering (or whatever Girl Talk majored in)

******************
GirlLuvr69 says:

ladyhawke = blonde electro feist? the quirky videos, the slightly masculine face, the bad dancing… who would you choose a tug from?

Carles says:
Good question! I’d take a tug from either one, but girls are insecure, so they probably have more opinions about this 1.

Feist: a bad dancer?

**********
Guy69 writes:

xrlz: hi, ive been wanting to ask you: could u please explain further some of the terms, premises, and “basic banalities” of HRO? i think this would help clarify what youre doing/talking about, and make your socio-anthropological tugjobs more meaningful for everyone. . . .

for example, like:

what are the electrowars? when are they coming? and why?
can an electroholocaust be avoided, or is it now an inextricable part of ‘destiny’?
how do you think the warring factions will divide? Alts vs. Streamers? and Alt on Alt warcrime? and what about Double Agents?
who are likely to be killed off and who shall endure? how can i increase my chances of survival?

what exactly is the Alt/Stream ‘dialectique’ ?
when alts become streamers, are they still alts underneath? or have their souls/personal brands been forever subsumed into ‘the square paradigm’?

what does the future hold for:
1) chilis
2) the electrorainforest
3) the personal brand economy
4) altbosom
5) sunbears
6) jeans (of many varieties)
7) SXSWestern Civilization
8) Snitchfork
9) bangs/bangers

perhaps these questions are rather wide-ranging already, but i just thought it’d be good if you stepped back and explained things.. i mean, particularly seeing as though youll soon be entering the teenage years
of your 2nd blog century.
thank you !

Carles responds:
Not sure what ur tlkng abt, but it sounds like u live in a zany world that does not represent reality at all! U should probably focus on getting a master’s degree/moving up to middle-management within the next 2 years instead of reading internet website blog thingies.
‘I want some of what he’s on!’
-some quirky FGGT ‘jokester’

Thanks for reading, yall! email me yalls questions! Hopefully this helped yall!

QUESTIONS FROM READERS ANSWERED BY HRO BLOGGER “the CARLES”
************
************
************
********

TrappedInSuburbia69 writes:

crls, all types of wayfarers, shuttershades, zany colored sunglasses, no-lens glasses are MNSTRM to extreme levels at my school… and i live in a rich people suburb.
there are people mixing hollister and colored wayfarers on a day to day basis.
i need your advice ryte now! i can’t go back to school looking like one of them. tell me how i can seperate myself.

[Photo by the cobrasnake]

Carles says:
It’s difficult to ’stand out’ once all of 2k7s trends reach suburbia in 2k8. Just ‘dare 2 be different.’ Wear something that u don’t even believe looks good/is cool. Make sure u keep listening to newer music than them. Don’t tell them ur altWebsite content sources. Most kids in your position would ’stop bathing’ so that their smell lets people know that u r way more committed to altdom than they are.

**********
DiabeteBros69 says:

I have type I diabetes from 2 much cereal. Type II is for fat mainstreamers.

Carles says:
Thanks for the info! I only know that Diabetes is something that the Jonas Brothers injected into their bodies.
***********
MuseumEmployee69 writes:

how many automatic alt pointz do i get for working at a gehry building? are they accepted as currency at most chili’s locations?

Carles says:
Working at a Frank Gehry building will get you a lot of free perks in altLife, including $10 Chili’s dollars per week, free admission to Six Flags theme parks, half off Southwest airlines flights to Europe & Japan, V.I.P. priviledges at major music festivals, the ability to browse altMusicSites without having to view the ads, and 1 free abortion for you or your significant other.

******************
RageAgainstTheLate90s writes:

Was Woodstock the first SXSW?

Carles says:
Yes. You may remember SXSWoodstock99 where Fred Durst & the Limp Korns set Austin on fire and they had to rebuild most of the University of Texas campus.

*********
LivingInFear69 writes:

I’m so scared about the electro wars. I heard that France and Australia have huge stockpiles of bangers… Stop BMD proliferation yall.
Furthermore intel suggests that Ableton technology has spread across the entire AZN subcontinent, with young kids as young as 14, indoctrinated by bearded ideologues, now able to mix bangers *in as little as 45 minutes*.

Carles says:
I’m scared, too. Will George W. McCain Obama Palin do something about this? are yall voting or does it ‘not matter’? No1 will ever give me a straight answer. They just tell me 2 vote or die. Things aren’t so black and white, yall! Also, make sure to buy ur duct tape, flashlights, spam, & bottled water.

**********
AmericanContrarian69 writes:

Am I the only one who thinks that wearing American Apparel from head to toe is the least ‘alt’ thing a person can do? I just don’t get it. Alt truly = mainstream when it comes to that. Do you know why I get so angry when i see someone wearing a purple vneck tshirt that was obvs bought that day from AA? Is there a way to just accept that AA is for hipster/scenesters and doesn’t = Alt? Is there a way to let the world know that the more AApurple you wear, the more mnstrm you are?

Carles says:
The American Appy aesthetic is functional for your day-to-day ’subtle’ alt life. American Appy continues to expand their product line to bring you a wider range of colours, prints, and Afrikan stuff. American Appy works 4 u. In a way, American Appy wants every1 to be ‘a little bit alt.’ Some see this as a good thing, and some see this as a bad thing. It really just depends on ur personal brand. True altdom is within–don’t just assume that puting on clothes that were branded as ‘being alt’ makes u an alt. That would be like wearing Nikes and assuming u were going 2 play in the NBA. Being a true alt takes months and blogyears of hard work, yall. BTW… Please support our sponsors, yall! Every item on my body right now is AmAppy–I am brand loyal. Am Appy: The New Nike?

Note: Not a real American Appy ad. Just some myspacer who I found on googleImageSearch who loves his aesthetic.
***********
ItGirl69 asks:

who’s cory kenney?? is she on like a (m)tv show??? i’m i 2old2know???

Carles says:
She was one of the original MTV VJs. She was also the inspiration for the character ‘Daria.’
Daria = Cory Kennedy = their gimmick is that they don’t smile

*************
WorriedAbtMyFriend22 asks:

carles,
i desperately need advice on how to deal with a friend of mine. this summer she is totally becoming an alt after a life of being a mainstreamer. i don;t know how to handle it!? at first it was subtle things, she got some kute bangs and started wearing some tighter jeans and even bought some chucks and wayfarers (i lol’d). she caught me off guard when she asked me what i thought of the new girl talk album, i was like…. “ughhhhh, what? no” and she was like “yeah, i totally think nite ripper was better”…. i was just shocked. now she listens to justice and mia and all that other entry shit and i heard her call herself a hipster (i cringed). i get tha
t she wants to be kute and trendy but seeing this change firsthand is confusing! PLS, what should i do? should i bring it up and talk to her about it or just stay quiet and observe? should i try to help her not look like such an obvious mainstreamer gone alt? try to get tugged by her new gang of vapid trend-whore friends?
PS
pls keep this annonymous, i have a suspicion she might have found ur blog after using my macbook

Carles says:
first of all–put a password on your MacBook. U NEVER want some1 to find out what sites u’ve been browsing. The truth is that your friend is still a mainstreamer, but her context has just changed. U need to embrace her inauthentic new personal brand, and certainly try to get tugged by her gaggle of friends. If you present yourself as an authentic source of trends, new music, and a general value system with which they live their life by+see the world, then u will have it good. Just be sure that you are prepared for your ego to take a hit when an altMale who is more respected in the scene is able to swoon your impressionable tugger away from your control.
MainstreamersGoneAlt are a blessing and a curse, yall. Don’t fall in love with them, ever!

*********
AspiringBlogger69 asks:

do u think i should get blog, blogspot, or xanga? u are the only person i trust to answer this question. i want every1 to read my blog all day everyday.

Carles says:
Xanga is for AZNs. Blogger is for generic people who post 3 times and then quit. Wordpress is for douchebaggy blogs about politics/parenting. Tumblr is for alts/high end design meme consumers. Livejournal is from people who are stuck in the year 2000. Twitter is ass holes. Typepad is for old people. Geocities are for authentic alts?

********
2CatchAPredator69 writes:

dear crls,
i love your blog, but i have a problem. the on;y alt girls my age at my high school are off-limits yo. what is one supposed to do? should i date a younger entry-level alt and try to open her to the world of alt by taking her to see the justice and electro bands? or is she just highly tuggable? should i commute 4 love; san franny’s 45 minutes away though, and i do know/could meet/need to meet some pretty alt girls who go to liberal arts high schools and know how to screen print t-shrts/give good tugjobs/listen to ratatat on lp while “doin iy”?
Help yo.

Carles says:
In the altWorld, the Age of Consent = the age where some1 decides to implement alternative trends into their personal brand. Even if they are as young as 14, something as simple as wearing an interesting shirt, or wearing trendy mom jeans is basically them admitting that ‘they are available on the tug market.’ If it would make you feel more comfortable being with a younger woman, you can always purchase a pair of child predator glasses at ur local pharmacy.

*******
theOfficeFan69 writes:

Is NBC really coming out with a series called HIPSTERS which will merge the humor of ‘The Office’, ‘it’s always Sunny in Philadelphia’, ‘Arrested Development’, and ‘Human Giant’? Should I be excited or scared? Will it be authentic, and will Justin Long be in it?

[via BDavis Tumblr]

Carles says:
I have no idea, yall. But I hope so. I wish there were more people on my Television who I could relate to so I could watch them on hulu/youtube. I h8 not being able to identify with n e modern television characters. I don’t even work in a quirky office/ live on a lost island! sux.

**********
BrookeShields69 says:

i had depression before i found hro.

Carles replies:
In a way, aren’t we all ‘a lil depressed’ in the same way that we’re all ‘a lil bit bi’?

*************
GoingAway2College69 writes:

hey [CRLS], what’s the altiest major? obvi graphic/fashion design is a staple of alternative subcultures, but i feel that something liberal artsy (liberal alty?) is more in line with my personal lifestyle brand. political science or ’sociology’ (whatever that is) sound totes entry-lvl alt. what should the alt-collegiate crowd study 2 stay ahead of the curve?
u r0ck my world.

Carles lists:
1) Miscellaneous Associate’s Degree
2) Photoshop
3) Art History with a focus on the post-Photoshop era
4) Architecture
5) Teaching for America
6) Philosophy with a concentration on Graphic Design Ideology
7) Music Business with a minor in BlogCommunications
8) Alternative Economics
9) Graphic Design (at a school without computers)
10) Sociology + Psychology
11) Marketing
12) Communications
13) A major about music where you spend a year using the campus’ recording facilities to ‘make ur own album’
14) Film with a concentration in French No Wave cinema
15) Film Studies before 1900
16) Mashup Engineering (or whatever Girl Talk majored in)

******************
GirlLuvr69 says:

ladyhawke = blonde electro feist? the quirky videos, the slightly masculine face, the bad dancing… who would you choose a tug from?

Carles says:
Good question! I’d take a tug from either one, but girls are insecure, so they probably have more opinions about this 1.

Feist: a bad dancer?

**********
Guy69 writes:

xrlz: hi, ive been wanting to ask you: could u please explain further some of the terms, premises, and “basic banalities” of HRO? i think this would help clarify what youre doing/talking about, and make your socio-anthropological tugjobs more meaningful for everyone. . . .

for example, like:

what are the electrowars? when are they coming? and why?
can an electroholocaust be avoided, or is it now an inextricable part of ‘destiny’?
how do you think the warring factions will divide? Alts vs. Streamers? and Alt on Alt warcrime? and what about Double Agents?
who are likely to be killed off and who shall endure? how can i increase my chances of survival?

what exactly is the Alt/Stream ‘dialectique’ ?
when alts become streamers, are they still alts underneath? or have their souls/personal brands been forever subsumed into ‘the square paradigm’?

what does the future hold for:
1) chilis
2) the electrorainforest
3) the personal brand economy
4) altbosom
5) sunbears
6) jeans (of many varieties)
7) SXSWestern Civilization
8) Snitchfork
9) bangs/bangers

perhaps these questions are rather wide-ranging already, but i just thought it’d be good if you stepped back and explained things.. i mean, particularly seeing as though youll soon be entering the teenage years
of your 2nd blog century.
thank you !

Carles responds:
Not sure what ur tlkng abt, but it sounds like u live in a zany world that does not represent reality at all! U should probably focus on getting a master’s degree/moving up to middle-management within the next 2 years instead of reading internet website blog thingies.
‘I want some of what he’s on!’
-some quirky FGGT ‘jokester’

Thanks for reading, yall! email me yalls questions! Hopefully this helped yall!

QUESTIONS FROM READERS ANSWERED BY HRO BLOGGER “the CARLES”
************
************
************

BangBusRider69 says:

Hi Carles,
On Friday I took a BoltBus from NYC to Boston, and I wound up sitting next to this girl with long brown hair and excellent bangs. Here are some things I observed about her during the 5 hours bus ride:
1. She was watching Planet Earth on her MacBook
2. At one point in the trip, she listened to an MGMT song on her iPod
3. She had a phone conversation with her friend about whether or not they should purchase Girl Talk tickets
4. She was carrying (though not reading) the new David Sedaris
I couldn’t tell if she was legitimately cool or just a poseur. What do you think? Did I throw away an opportunity for a new best friend by not talking to her? Am I going to run into her at Don Hill’s and will we have some awkward conversation about how we once sat next to each other on a bus?
You’re the best.

Carles sayz:
She sounds like a pretty intense alt. The bottomline on girls like this is whether or not they are [HIGHLY TUGGABLE]. If they are attractive, it’s good to have them as your friend. If they are ‘kind of pretty’ or ‘ugly’, they might be a decent friend for a while, but will ultimately be useless to you. (You will unfriend her one day). Any female can buy the Toolbox for becoming an ‘Interesting Alt (Girl Edition)’ or even ‘an Alt Who Attracts Moderately Alternative Boys.’ This isn’t enough to mean she is good enough to be your best friend.

An interesting thing about alt-women is how insecure they are. Even if they are a kute girl, they always assume that the other girl in kute clothes . Ultimately, women are lonely, and want to identify with one another. This means they will force a connection and have a whimsical friendship that leads to hyping up the upcoming weekend via wall-to-wall posts. This will eventually end, and they will talk about how they never liked one another, and the other one only cared about fickle stuff like clothes, and music, and everything that they used to think made their friendship meaningful. Women r tough sometimes… wish they weren’t so insecure and just wore their American Appy with pride.

n e ways…
It sux that every 1 has a Mac now, so u can’t ‘find out who authentic people are’ just based upon what laptop they are using.

Here are a few good questions to weed people out & find out if they are authentic:

• Do u like Girl Talk?
• Do u read blogs?
• Do u watch the show THE HILLS?
• Who is ur favourite female singer of the past 10 months?
• Do u read HRO?
• What’s better: music, film, or the internet?
• What is a meme?
• Do u use gChat or AIM or MSN messenger or ICQ or FBchat or Skype or stickAM?
• Is ur Macbook WHITE, BLACK, or AIR or SILVER or WATER or FIRE?
• What is ur favourite Wes Anderson short film?
• What’s the difference between ‘alt’, ‘hipster’, and ’scenester’ and ‘gothster’?
• Do you take black people who are involved in ‘the entertainment arts’ seriously?
• How has racism changed in the past 5 years?
• George Bush? (phrased as a question in the middle of a normal conversation)
• The Global Economy: Bad for the world?
• Do u eat breakfast?
• What extracurricular activities were u involved with during High School?
• Where do u see urself in 100 years?

If they answer all of these questions correctly, they are probably good enough to be ur friend for about a year.
*********
GoingAway2College69 says:

carles, im about to get vulneable. fair warning.
I want to know what happens to hipster tweens when they grow up. Don’t you dare say that they just become alt moms and alt dads because that’s a bit shallow to say don’t you think? Seriously, what happens when im 30? I don’t think I can wear my CYOA shirt when i turn 30, I don’t want to be “that guy that never grew out of his hipster phase.” would you still be my friend if i became a frat boy? Don’t get me wrong, I love this hipster shit, but I don’t see myself going anywhere with it. If I’m a fratboy at least I can follow a tried-and-true paradigm. If i continue to be a hipster, I’ll be burned out by the age of 30 without any true sense of identity. After all, hipsterdom is all about being young and hip right? If i become a fratboy I can be rich and have a hot wife and spoiled children. You see what I’m saying? Short term sacrifice, long term gain? I can go to dance parties every weekend, but where is that going to take me? If i
go to frat parties at least I can network and become connected.
A frat boy made fun of me last night
Carles, save me, please.

Carles says:
Ur at a real (rlly) important moment in ur life. There comes a time when there is a fork in the road, and u must decide whether u r going to be a mainstreamer or an alt. The poet Robert Frost wrote a poem about this tough decision. In the poem, he references coming to a fork in the road, but taken the road less travelled(the alt choice). This makes a difference, and he believes that his life is more authentic. Basically, u should usually choose the alt-road if u want life to be somewhat meaningful, but it’s not for every1.

Alt is deep inside of you.
The truth is, most people don’t want to be alt forever. It should be phased out between the ages of 25-30. While you can still follow the ’stuff kids are reading’ and listen to ‘what the kids r listening 2′, you are hopefully thinking about your 401K, and have already contributed a significant amount of money to your Roth IRA. In addition, you don’t want to be the parent who looks to turn his kid into ‘the alt that he can’t be.’ This will be the modern version the ‘mom who didn’t fit in during high school and did whatever it took to make sure her daughter was the head cheer leader skank who gave tugjobs to the entire football team.’

*******
Anonymous sayz:

I can’t believe the amount of racism in this blog!
and all the idiots who leave racist comments!
crls, your a fucking idiot.
you forgot to mention that native americans were
enslaved at one point, and we have christopher columbus to thank for the genocide of the native american people.
do you know how many native americans were killed by white people in such a short span of time? you took their land, enslaved them, gave them diseases, tried to wipe them out, lied to them, and then put them on reservation camps and tried to destroy their culture!
i can’t believe how casually racist people are in this blog!
crls, just cos your blog is going to mainstream hell doesn’t mean you can try to get your hipster cred back by being racist to attract more closeminded white alts.
as a minority, your blog is fucking insulting to us non white alts.
so FUCK YOU AND YOUR NARROW MINDED READERS!

Carles says:
What r u tlkng abt? My webstats say that most of my readers are ‘oreos’ and ‘halfies’ and ‘brownish-es.’ Also, most of the people who read this blog make less than $10 per year, so I assume that means ‘coloured people’ are reading it, since America has a history that has made sure that these demographics don’t have consumer freedom.

“VOTE OR DIE” -Puff Diddsy to young people & minorities

******
MomandDaughterSharedScreenName22 sayz:

HEY Carles. I just thought I’d tell I’m deeply in love with your blog. Thank you for giving me hours on end to laugh at American Appy humor.
My mom also thinks that the name ‘nappy dynamite’ is hysterical. Yeah, I’m 15. THANKS 4 BEIN’ FUNNIE.
<3

Carles says:
Even though u have 1 leg, u can still dance! Can’t believe Heather Mills broke up the Beatles. Was she the k00ky AZN one?
***********
AltMarineNavyArmy69 says:

i wear american appy and i’ve served 3 tours of the elektr0 wars. does that mean i go to alt heaven?

Carles says:
Serving 2 tours in the electro war guarantees a spot in alt heaven. There are other ways that u can get into alt-heaven…such as getting handies from alt tweens, getting tuggles from entry-level alts in headbands, and starting a local t-shirt business that charges less than $70 per shirt. However, not every1 has the creative tools or the inherent alt-iness to get into alt-heaven. Most people should NOT expect to get into alt-heaven. You will burn in mainstream hell, alt hell, or general purgatory.

Pray to the alt-Gods. Don’t be an ‘atheist’ or a ‘conversational agnostic.’ Pray every night that God shows u a sign that life is meaningful. If u pray hard enough, God will put a music festival within 200 miles of u where Girl Talk plays. G0d worx in Mysterious ways, yall.

******
ImportantPerson69 says:
dude please make ur posts smaller, i’ve only been looking at the pictures for the past week

Carles says:
Sorry! Never really blogged before until recently…still trying to find my ‘voice’ if u know what I mean… Does n e 1 know the difference between ‘blogging’, ‘online magazines’, ‘journalism’, ‘design’, ‘cool hunting’, ‘microblogging’ and ‘reporting’? Would appreciate n e help yall can offer… didn’t major in COMMUNICATIONS in college (parents made me go PRE-MED).

u know the old saying ‘a picture is worth a thousand words–but a n00d is worth 10,000 semen thingies dead in ur hand.’

******
ConflictedSoldier69 says:

carles, when u were fighting n the electro wars, did you evr h8 the other side?
or did u just “morally disagree” with them but did yr duty 2 your country n the wars nEways?

Carles says:
It’s important to understand that we don’t all want the same thing. Much like the war on terror, there are two opposing ideologies in direct conflict with one another. Whether it takes a nuclear bomb or a roundtable conference at Chili’s, something is going to have to give. U know how French people can be. U know how Australian people can be. It’s important to reflect upon how much u h8 other countries while you are watching the Olympics. There is a reason that our world is full of boundary lines–to keep people away from the way we do things. It sux when some1 tells u what 2 do, or when they think they can do it better. There is nothing wrong with hating a group of people for the way that they live their lives’. Don’t be afraid to embrace this hate and write songs about how much u h8 the world. Plenty of popular global bands have embraced this and are now the top sellers in the world. (Linkin Park, Rammstein, Lenny Kravitz, 30 Seconds to Mars, James Blunt, Bette Middler, Barb Streisy, The Justices, Toni Braxton, K0rn, Creed, Guster, the Jonas Brothers, Miley Montana, and Kid Sister are a few of these artists).

****
MainstreamerOnMyMind69 says:

Sup c4rles/???
Sunday night I went to the bar and met the kutest mainstream alt I have ever set eyes on, her favorite band is Ratatatattatatatatat and she thought wearing american apparel made her authentic to the alt community. We went back to her place and made passionate alt/mainstreamer luv and then parted ways. She has been stuck in my mind since that day and I dont think I will ever see her again, I think the only thing getting me through this si tugging one out to pixz of shannon sossamonn.
Help me crls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant get this mainstreamer out of my alt mind grapes.

Carles says:
Never forget this natural fact: Every1 wants to conquer a mainstreamer.
We all want to capture the heart of a mainstreamer, and help him/her find themselves by ’showing them what it’s like to have alternative freedoms, and to look at the world through your alt-tinted glasses.’ We want to know that we fit in and we can bag a mainstreamer, however, we want to feel justified for choosing our alt-lifestyle. It’s a real ‘Catch 22.’
You had a special night with a mainstreamer, and that’s probably all u needed. Before u know it, u would have to hang out with her boring friends and go out for margaritas. While her friends would love you for ‘listening’ to them and ‘asking questions that made it sound like you were interested in their lives’, you would eventually get tired of this routine. Your mainstream girlfriend would wear less AA, and you would hate her for her mainstream commitments. Even though you would dress mainstream-ish around her parents, they would pick up on your alt-ines
s, and you would realize that the only way that they could completely love you would be if you were a Streamer.
You had the streamer for one night, and you probably could have been in a 1.5-2.5 year relationship with her. That’s like 10% of ur alternative life, and that’s WAY too long to give up ur freedom. It’s gonna be okay. “There’s plent of alts in the sea, and there’s way too many streamers in the ocean.”

**************
1 last question that no1 has the answer 2…

Please submit ur LETS GET VULNERABLE questions to carleser [at] gmail.com .

Let’s get vulns again soon, yall. Sometimes we need it to remind ourselves how much we mean 2 one another, and how we truly understand 1 another.

QUESTIONS FROM READERS ANSWERED BY HRO BLOGGER “the CARLES”
************
************
************

BangBusRider69 says:

Hi Carles,
On Friday I took a BoltBus from NYC to Boston, and I wound up sitting next to this girl with long brown hair and excellent bangs. Here are some things I observed about her during the 5 hours bus ride:
1. She was watching Planet Earth on her MacBook
2. At one point in the trip, she listened to an MGMT song on her iPod
3. She had a phone conversation with her friend about whether or not they should purchase Girl Talk tickets
4. She was carrying (though not reading) the new David Sedaris
I couldn’t tell if she was legitimately cool or just a poseur. What do you think? Did I throw away an opportunity for a new best friend by not talking to her? Am I going to run into her at Don Hill’s and will we have some awkward conversation about how we once sat next to each other on a bus?
You’re the best.

Carles sayz:
She sounds like a pretty intense alt. The bottomline on girls like this is whether or not they are [HIGHLY TUGGABLE]. If they are attractive, it’s good to have them as your friend. If they are ‘kind of pretty’ or ‘ugly’, they might be a decent friend for a while, but will ultimately be useless to you. (You will unfriend her one day). Any female can buy the Toolbox for becoming an ‘Interesting Alt (Girl Edition)’ or even ‘an Alt Who Attracts Moderately Alternative Boys.’ This isn’t enough to mean she is good enough to be your best friend.

An interesting thing about alt-women is how insecure they are. Even if they are a kute girl, they always assume that the other girl in kute clothes . Ultimately, women are lonely, and want to identify with one another. This means they will force a connection and have a whimsical friendship that leads to hyping up the upcoming weekend via wall-to-wall posts. This will eventually end, and they will talk about how they never liked one another, and the other one only cared about fickle stuff like clothes, and music, and everything that they used to think made their friendship meaningful. Women r tough sometimes… wish they weren’t so insecure and just wore their American Appy with pride.

n e ways…
It sux that every 1 has a Mac now, so u can’t ‘find out who authentic people are’ just based upon what laptop they are using.

Here are a few good questions to weed people out & find out if they are authentic:

• Do u like Girl Talk?
• Do u read blogs?
• Do u watch the show THE HILLS?
• Who is ur favourite female singer of the past 10 months?
• Do u read HRO?
• What’s better: music, film, or the internet?
• What is a meme?
• Do u use gChat or AIM or MSN messenger or ICQ or FBchat or Skype or stickAM?
• Is ur Macbook WHITE, BLACK, or AIR or SILVER or WATER or FIRE?
• What is ur favourite Wes Anderson short film?
• What’s the difference between ‘alt’, ‘hipster’, and ’scenester’ and ‘gothster’?
• Do you take black people who are involved in ‘the entertainment arts’ seriously?
• How has racism changed in the past 5 years?
• George Bush? (phrased as a question in the middle of a normal conversation)
• The Global Economy: Bad for the world?
• Do u eat breakfast?
• What extracurricular activities were u involved with during High School?
• Where do u see urself in 100 years?

If they answer all of these questions correctly, they are probably good enough to be ur friend for about a year.
*********
GoingAway2College69 says:

carles, im about to get vulneable. fair warning.
I want to know what happens to hipster tweens when they grow up. Don’t you dare say that they just become alt moms and alt dads because that’s a bit shallow to say don’t you think? Seriously, what happens when im 30? I don’t think I can wear my CYOA shirt when i turn 30, I don’t want to be “that guy that never grew out of his hipster phase.” would you still be my friend if i became a frat boy? Don’t get me wrong, I love this hipster shit, but I don’t see myself going anywhere with it. If I’m a fratboy at least I can follow a tried-and-true paradigm. If i continue to be a hipster, I’ll be burned out by the age of 30 without any true sense of identity. After all, hipsterdom is all about being young and hip right? If i become a fratboy I can be rich and have a hot wife and spoiled children. You see what I’m saying? Short term sacrifice, long term gain? I can go to dance parties every weekend, but where is that going to take me? If i
go to frat parties at least I can network and become connected.
A frat boy made fun of me last night
Carles, save me, please.

Carles says:
Ur at a real (rlly) important moment in ur life. There comes a time when there is a fork in the road, and u must decide whether u r going to be a mainstreamer or an alt. The poet Robert Frost wrote a poem about this tough decision. In the poem, he references coming to a fork in the road, but taken the road less travelled(the alt choice). This makes a difference, and he believes that his life is more authentic. Basically, u should usually choose the alt-road if u want life to be somewhat meaningful, but it’s not for every1.

Alt is deep inside of you.
The truth is, most people don’t want to be alt forever. It should be phased out between the ages of 25-30. While you can still follow the ’stuff kids are reading’ and listen to ‘what the kids r listening 2′, you are hopefully thinking about your 401K, and have already contributed a significant amount of money to your Roth IRA. In addition, you don’t want to be the parent who looks to turn his kid into ‘the alt that he can’t be.’ This will be the modern version the ‘mom who didn’t fit in during high school and did whatever it took to make sure her daughter was the head cheer leader skank who gave tugjobs to the entire football team.’

*******
Anonymous sayz:

I can’t believe the amount of racism in this blog!
and all the idiots who leave racist comments!
crls, your a fucking idiot.
you forgot to mention that native americans were
enslaved at one point, and we have christopher columbus to thank for the genocide of the native american people.
do you know how many native americans were killed by white people in such a short span of time? you took their land, enslaved them, gave them diseases, tried to wipe them out, lied to them, and then put them on reservation camps and tried to destroy their culture!
i can’t believe how casually racist people are in this blog!
crls, just cos your blog is going to mainstream hell doesn’t mean you can try to get your hipster cred back by being racist to attract more closeminded white alts.
as a minority, your blog is fucking insulting to us non white alts.
so FUCK YOU AND YOUR NARROW MINDED READERS!

Carles says:
What r u tlkng abt? My webstats say that most of my readers are ‘oreos’ and ‘halfies’ and ‘brownish-es.’ Also, most of the people who read this blog make less than $10 per year, so I assume that means ‘coloured people’ are reading it, since America has a history that has made sure that these demographics don’t have consumer freedom.

“VOTE OR DIE” -Puff Diddsy to young people & minorities

******
MomandDaughterSharedScreenName22 sayz:

HEY Carles. I just thought I’d tell I’m deeply in love with your blog. Thank you for giving me hours on end to laugh at American Appy humor.
My mom also thinks that the name ‘nappy dynamite’ is hysterical. Yeah, I’m 15. THANKS 4 BEIN’ FUNNIE.
<3

Carles says:
Even though u have 1 leg, u can still dance! Can’t believe Heather Mills broke up the Beatles. Was she the k00ky AZN one?
***********
AltMarineNavyArmy69 says:

i wear american appy and i’ve served 3 tours of the elektr0 wars. does that mean i go to alt heaven?

Carles says:
Serving 2 tours in the electro war guarantees a spot in alt heaven. There are other ways that u can get into alt-heaven…such as getting handies from alt tweens, getting tuggles from entry-level alts in headbands, and starting a local t-shirt business that charges less than $70 per shirt. However, not every1 has the creative tools or the inherent alt-iness to get into alt-heaven. Most people should NOT expect to get into alt-heaven. You will burn in mainstream hell, alt hell, or general purgatory.

Pray to the alt-Gods. Don’t be an ‘atheist’ or a ‘conversational agnostic.’ Pray every night that God shows u a sign that life is meaningful. If u pray hard enough, God will put a music festival within 200 miles of u where Girl Talk plays. G0d worx in Mysterious ways, yall.

******
ImportantPerson69 says:
dude please make ur posts smaller, i’ve only been looking at the pictures for the past week

Carles says:
Sorry! Never really blogged before until recently…still trying to find my ‘voice’ if u know what I mean… Does n e 1 know the difference between ‘blogging’, ‘online magazines’, ‘journalism’, ‘design’, ‘cool hunting’, ‘microblogging’ and ‘reporting’? Would appreciate n e help yall can offer… didn’t major in COMMUNICATIONS in college (parents made me go PRE-MED).

u know the old saying ‘a picture is worth a thousand words–but a n00d is worth 10,000 semen thingies dead in ur hand.’

******
ConflictedSoldier69 says:

carles, when u were fighting n the electro wars, did you evr h8 the other side?
or did u just “morally disagree” with them but did yr duty 2 your country n the wars nEways?

Carles says:
It’s important to understand that we don’t all want the same thing. Much like the war on terror, there are two opposing ideologies in direct conflict with one another. Whether it takes a nuclear bomb or a roundtable conference at Chili’s, something is going to have to give. U know how French people can be. U know how Australian people can be. It’s important to reflect upon how much u h8 other countries while you are watching the Olympics. There is a reason that our world is full of boundary lines–to keep people away from the way we do things. It sux when some1 tells u what 2 do, or when they think they can do it better. There is nothing wrong with hating a group of people for the way that they live their lives’. Don’t be afraid to embrace this hate and write songs about how much u h8 the world. Plenty of popular global bands have embraced this and are now the top sellers in the world. (Linkin Park, Rammstein, Lenny Kravitz, 30 Seconds to Mars, James Blunt, Bette Middler, Barb Streisy, The Justices, Toni Braxton, K0rn, Creed, Guster, the Jonas Brothers, Miley Montana, and Kid Sister are a few of these artists).

****
MainstreamerOnMyMind69 says:

Sup c4rles/???
Sunday night I went to the bar and met the kutest mainstream alt I have ever set eyes on, her favorite band is Ratatatattatatatatat and she thought wearing american apparel made her authentic to the alt community. We went back to her place and made passionate alt/mainstreamer luv and then parted ways. She has been stuck in my mind since that day and I dont think I will ever see her again, I think the only thing getting me through this si tugging one out to pixz of shannon sossamonn.
Help me crls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant get this mainstreamer out of my alt mind grapes.

Carles says:
Never forget this natural fact: Every1 wants to conquer a mainstreamer.
We all want to capture the heart of a mainstreamer, and help him/her find themselves by ’showing them what it’s like to have alternative freedoms, and to look at the world through your alt-tinted glasses.’ We want to know that we fit in and we can bag a mainstreamer, however, we want to feel justified for choosing our alt-lifestyle. It’s a real ‘Catch 22.’
You had a special night with a mainstreamer, and that’s probably all u needed. Before u know it, u would have to hang out with her boring friends and go out for margaritas. While her friends would love you for ‘listening’ to them and ‘asking questions that made it sound like you were interested in their lives’, you would eventually get tired of this routine. Your mainstream girlfriend would wear less AA, and you would hate her for her mainstream commitments. Even though you would dress mainstream-ish around her parents, they would pick up on your alt-ines
s, and you would realize that the only way that they could completely love you would be if you were a Streamer.
You had the streamer for one night, and you probably could have been in a 1.5-2.5 year relationship with her. That’s like 10% of ur alternative life, and that’s WAY too long to give up ur freedom. It’s gonna be okay. “There’s plent of alts in the sea, and there’s way too many streamers in the ocean.”

**************
1 last question that no1 has the answer 2…

Please submit ur LETS GET VULNERABLE questions to carleser [at] gmail.com .

Let’s get vulns again soon, yall. Sometimes we need it to remind ourselves how much we mean 2 one another, and how we truly understand 1 another.

Please open up to me, and I’ll open up 2 u.
HERE ARE QUESTIONS FROM REAL HRO READERS.
***************
***************
***************
Catherine asks: how should i cut my bangs?

HRO SAYS:
Make them RLLY KUTE. U should cut a picture of a person that u like out of a magazine, then take that picture to the local Supercuts, then say ‘make me look like this bitch.’ Then when she’s like “who is that? Why do you want to look like a little boy?” You can say ‘She’s an IT GIRL.’

Or maybe just get a Tegan and Sara haircut and pretend you are in your pixie lezbo-ish phase.

***************
Isabel: is it slutty if I practice giving tugjobs to random boys at parties in preparation for when I finally enter a loving, steady relationship with an [ALT]boi who will appreciate my skills?

HRO SAYS:
U r making the world a better place. Alt bro suicide has been happening a lot lately, and when you tug a guy, he’ll like you for the next 4 years. Even if you don’t date him, or tell him that you ‘just need space’ but make out with him every other weekend for 3 months, he will stay alive because he thinks one day he will get to ‘make love’ to you. Don’t feel bad. You’ll find the alpha altbro of your dreams before you even know it! Hang in there, girl! NO REGRETS.

Tug like you want the meaningful jizz of an altbro to shower all over u.

***************
TORONTBRO says:
k so here is my advice question but plz dont publish my name or email it would ruin my reputation

k so like a year ago i was big in the toronto hipster scene and i went out every night and was photographed alot etc etc. but then through a series of events (ie starting school, a bad relationship etc) i kinda escaped from ‘the scene’ and now i am reentering but some people that were minor and gross back in the day now rule the scene and are the queen ugly hipsters and they totes know who i am and give me cut eye to the max. like even this past year if i saw them on the street i would get cut eye and here them talk. i dont know what to do because other then these peeps being wildly lame they rule the club scene and i cant even hit the clubs without rumors starting. i feel like lohan. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

thanks love you hipster runoff

HRO SAYS:
I feel like Lohan a lot, too, but mainly bc I have a drug probbers :-( . It sucks when u step away from the scene, and then the uggos take over! They don’t even listen to good music, just that All-American Rejects type of shit. You have a few options.
1) Date Rape the scene queens
2) Move to a new major metropolitan area and become ‘the new alt kid in town’
3) Build a time machine and go back in time so you can get your life back
4) Start a blog to let Toronto know how u feel.
I’m really sorry about your bad relationship. You might just want to get into a new relationship where the girl is as interested in achieving social status as u r, instead of being the couple that ‘has to prove that they are above all of the bullshit drama shit bullshit fake stuff bullshit.’ Kind of like these people

Photo by thecobrasnake]
***************
Senior in HS WRITES:

dear HRO bloggor,

next year I will be going to Rhode Island School of Design as an art major.
how can I get the hottest alt-chicks with the most accessories?
how can I transition from being the chillest alt bro in a nyc suburb to being surrounded by people more creative and artistic than me?
I mean, my graphic tee collection is okay, but I’ve never met Steve Akoi.

Im in desperate need of help, please answer

HRO SAYS:
Many people have not met Steve Aoki, but the important part is that you look at him once a week in party pix. It’s basically the same as being on a celebrity’s buddy list. Have confidence in your personal brand. Don’t wear too much American Apparel too early… You don’t want people to think that you have outsourced your personal style choices in a bad way. Being from an NYC suburb is a lot closer to coolness than most of the people you will encounter. They will have to try way harder than you. Just make sure to establish yourself early as ‘the dbag who thinks he knows everything about alternative topics’ as opposed to letting some other dbag take that position. If you establish yourself as the alpha-Design Student, you will be fingerbanging graduate students before you know it.
Here’s a copy of my fave book. It’s about architecture and ‘being a strong person.’ Maybe u could read it?


*********
so confuzed asks:
should i go to design school and major in fashion? OR should i go to fashion school and major in design?
what should i do about darfur? is it too early to have an ironic fundraising party? should i wait another year? will darfur still be around?
one more carles, if you have a minute. if i can’t get a job at a coffee shop this summer and have to work at coldstone creamery (again), should i end it all?

HRO SAYS:
NO MATTER WHAT U DO, U WILL FIND URSELF. Don’t waste your time worrying about Darfur. It will be wiped out with the rest of the world in 2012. Just suck it up and work at Coldstone Creamery. Become really good friends with the people who work there, and develop your own inside jokes and go to Chili’s after work. Even though they are kinda mainstream, they will help u realize that you just want real friends, not something as fleeting as alternative social status. Working in a coffee shop is usually a bad idea unless you are like 29 and didn’t go to college but still think you are an important member of society because of your self-proclaimed intellect.

You should seriously consider going pre-med or maybe even pursuing your master’s in Accounting.

You haven’t lived until you have mixed various candy and nuts into old people’s ice cream.

**********
ALTBRO VS. ALTBRO WRITES:
Dear hipster runoff

If your bro is still wearing neon t-shirts and ironic glasses that he found at a Goodwill to clubs and all the alt girls will not even take him seriously as a wingman because all the other dudes are wearing muted american app hoodies and aNYthing tees, how do you tell him he is giving everyone douche chills and needs to change his ways without hurting his feelings?
yours sincerely, alt bros dressing better 4 2K9.

HRO SAYS:
Alt Bro Packs make decisions as one, and you need to do your part to influence all of your bros to stop being FGGTs. Non-self aware alt bros don’t have real feelings. All t
hey can feel is angst and jealousy. Most of their problems comes from ’social frustration’ and they would trade their mother’s life for an opportunity to have been a Crombie in 6th grade. Don’t take non-self-aware altbros seriously just because you deal with how pathetic they are on a daily basis. They will call you next weekend to find out where the party is.

[Photo by Lzrfangz]
Do alt bros REALLY have feelings worth worrying about?

********
CHILDPREDATOR WRITES:
carles
i got some serious issues i’m nearing death (28) and the only p00n i seemed to be getting is from drunk ass slutty hipster 15-17 year olds (girlz/boyz). i pretend to be 20 cause i have bad complexion, and my mom tells me i deserve to be on dateline’s to catch a predator. moms has also stopped speaking to me, and demanded that i see a counselor. all this has been making me feel like i am matthew mcconaughey in dazed and confused, i just can’t stop dry humping minors, what should i do?

HRO SAYS:
There’s no real age limit when it comes to banging alternative broads. It’s sort of like a social contract that ‘if you are underaged and partying, you openly want to be violated by an alternative older man.’ There’s no such thing as an alternative predator. Look for more kreeps to start being alts, since the parents of alt-teen-sluts don’t really mind when some old dude who ‘thinks he is so goddamn cool’ starts banging their 15 year old daughter.

Agyness Deyn is actually a 13 year old boy from Utah.
*********

<3 <3 <3
I HOPE YOU FOUND THIS ADVICE TO BE USEFUL, AND YOU CAN APPLY IT TO YOUR DAILY LIFE. WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS THAT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT. HRO IS ONE OF THE ONLY TRUE FRIENDS YOU HAVE. YOU CAN TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING. SEND ME GMAILS, OR JUST LEAVE COMMENTS WITH ADVICE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE PROBLEMS.

WE ARE LIKE A FAMILY, YALL. NEVER FORGET WHO UR REAL ONLINE FRIENDS ARE…

LET’S GET VULNERABLE
<3 <3 <3

Please open up to me, and I’ll open up 2 u.
HERE ARE QUESTIONS FROM REAL HRO READERS.
***************
***************
***************
Catherine asks: how should i cut my bangs?

HRO SAYS:
Make them RLLY KUTE. U should cut a picture of a person that u like out of a magazine, then take that picture to the local Supercuts, then say ‘make me look like this bitch.’ Then when she’s like “who is that? Why do you want to look like a little boy?” You can say ‘She’s an IT GIRL.’

Or maybe just get a Tegan and Sara haircut and pretend you are in your pixie lezbo-ish phase.

***************
Isabel: is it slutty if I practice giving tugjobs to random boys at parties in preparation for when I finally enter a loving, steady relationship with an [ALT]boi who will appreciate my skills?

HRO SAYS:
U r making the world a better place. Alt bro suicide has been happening a lot lately, and when you tug a guy, he’ll like you for the next 4 years. Even if you don’t date him, or tell him that you ‘just need space’ but make out with him every other weekend for 3 months, he will stay alive because he thinks one day he will get to ‘make love’ to you. Don’t feel bad. You’ll find the alpha altbro of your dreams before you even know it! Hang in there, girl! NO REGRETS.

Tug like you want the meaningful jizz of an altbro to shower all over u.

***************
TORONTBRO says:
k so here is my advice question but plz dont publish my name or email it would ruin my reputation

k so like a year ago i was big in the toronto hipster scene and i went out every night and was photographed alot etc etc. but then through a series of events (ie starting school, a bad relationship etc) i kinda escaped from ‘the scene’ and now i am reentering but some people that were minor and gross back in the day now rule the scene and are the queen ugly hipsters and they totes know who i am and give me cut eye to the max. like even this past year if i saw them on the street i would get cut eye and here them talk. i dont know what to do because other then these peeps being wildly lame they rule the club scene and i cant even hit the clubs without rumors starting. i feel like lohan. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

thanks love you hipster runoff

HRO SAYS:
I feel like Lohan a lot, too, but mainly bc I have a drug probbers :-( . It sucks when u step away from the scene, and then the uggos take over! They don’t even listen to good music, just that All-American Rejects type of shit. You have a few options.
1) Date Rape the scene queens
2) Move to a new major metropolitan area and become ‘the new alt kid in town’
3) Build a time machine and go back in time so you can get your life back
4) Start a blog to let Toronto know how u feel.
I’m really sorry about your bad relationship. You might just want to get into a new relationship where the girl is as interested in achieving social status as u r, instead of being the couple that ‘has to prove that they are above all of the bullshit drama shit bullshit fake stuff bullshit.’ Kind of like these people

Photo by thecobrasnake]
***************
Senior in HS WRITES:

dear HRO bloggor,

next year I will be going to Rhode Island School of Design as an art major.
how can I get the hottest alt-chicks with the most accessories?
how can I transition from being the chillest alt bro in a nyc suburb to being surrounded by people more creative and artistic than me?
I mean, my graphic tee collection is okay, but I’ve never met Steve Akoi.

Im in desperate need of help, please answer

HRO SAYS:
Many people have not met Steve Aoki, but the important part is that you look at him once a week in party pix. It’s basically the same as being on a celebrity’s buddy list. Have confidence in your personal brand. Don’t wear too much American Apparel too early… You don’t want people to think that you have outsourced your personal style choices in a bad way. Being from an NYC suburb is a lot closer to coolness than most of the people you will encounter. They will have to try way harder than you. Just make sure to establish yourself early as ‘the dbag who thinks he knows everything about alternative topics’ as opposed to letting some other dbag take that position. If you establish yourself as the alpha-Design Student, you will be fingerbanging graduate students before you know it.
Here’s a copy of my fave book. It’s about architecture and ‘being a strong person.’ Maybe u could read it?


*********
so confuzed asks:
should i go to design school and major in fashion? OR should i go to fashion school and major in design?
what should i do about darfur? is it too early to have an ironic fundraising party? should i wait another year? will darfur still be around?
one more carles, if you have a minute. if i can’t get a job at a coffee shop this summer and have to work at coldstone creamery (again), should i end it all?

HRO SAYS:
NO MATTER WHAT U DO, U WILL FIND URSELF. Don’t waste your time worrying about Darfur. It will be wiped out with the rest of the world in 2012. Just suck it up and work at Coldstone Creamery. Become really good friends with the people who work there, and develop your own inside jokes and go to Chili’s after work. Even though they are kinda mainstream, they will help u realize that you just want real friends, not something as fleeting as alternative social status. Working in a coffee shop is usually a bad idea unless you are like 29 and didn’t go to college but still think you are an important member of society because of your self-proclaimed intellect.

You should seriously consider going pre-med or maybe even pursuing your master’s in Accounting.

You haven’t lived until you have mixed various candy and nuts into old people’s ice cream.

**********
ALTBRO VS. ALTBRO WRITES:
Dear hipster runoff

If your bro is still wearing neon t-shirts and ironic glasses that he found at a Goodwill to clubs and all the alt girls will not even take him seriously as a wingman because all the other dudes are wearing muted american app hoodies and aNYthing tees, how do you tell him he is giving everyone douche chills and needs to change his ways without hurting his feelings?
yours sincerely, alt bros dressing better 4 2K9.

HRO SAYS:
Alt Bro Packs make decisions as one, and you need to do your part to influence all of your bros to stop being FGGTs. Non-self aware alt bros don’t have real feelings. All t
hey can feel is angst and jealousy. Most of their problems comes from ’social frustration’ and they would trade their mother’s life for an opportunity to have been a Crombie in 6th grade. Don’t take non-self-aware altbros seriously just because you deal with how pathetic they are on a daily basis. They will call you next weekend to find out where the party is.

[Photo by Lzrfangz]
Do alt bros REALLY have feelings worth worrying about?

********
CHILDPREDATOR WRITES:
carles
i got some serious issues i’m nearing death (28) and the only p00n i seemed to be getting is from drunk ass slutty hipster 15-17 year olds (girlz/boyz). i pretend to be 20 cause i have bad complexion, and my mom tells me i deserve to be on dateline’s to catch a predator. moms has also stopped speaking to me, and demanded that i see a counselor. all this has been making me feel like i am matthew mcconaughey in dazed and confused, i just can’t stop dry humping minors, what should i do?

HRO SAYS:
There’s no real age limit when it comes to banging alternative broads. It’s sort of like a social contract that ‘if you are underaged and partying, you openly want to be violated by an alternative older man.’ There’s no such thing as an alternative predator. Look for more kreeps to start being alts, since the parents of alt-teen-sluts don’t really mind when some old dude who ‘thinks he is so goddamn cool’ starts banging their 15 year old daughter.

Agyness Deyn is actually a 13 year old boy from Utah.
*********

<3 <3 <3
I HOPE YOU FOUND THIS ADVICE TO BE USEFUL, AND YOU CAN APPLY IT TO YOUR DAILY LIFE. WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS THAT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT. HRO IS ONE OF THE ONLY TRUE FRIENDS YOU HAVE. YOU CAN TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING. SEND ME GMAILS, OR JUST LEAVE COMMENTS WITH ADVICE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE PROBLEMS.

WE ARE LIKE A FAMILY, YALL. NEVER FORGET WHO UR REAL ONLINE FRIENDS ARE…

LET’S GET VULNERABLE
<3 <3 <3

I am also very familiar with ‘Teen Issues,’ with a specialization in ‘creating an authentic niche in your social stratosphere.’

We are all real people, and real people have problems, because sometimes life can come at you harder and faster than Justice’s “Phantom Pt II.”

It’s time that some one takes a stand. Life’s not just about getting the Most Popular MP3s off Hype Machine, getting your picture taken by some interesting looking entrepreneur/designer/local-mogul with a DSLR, or about the latest ‘he-said, she-said Myspace bulletin drama.’

Let’s Get Vulnerable.
EMAIL OR COMMENT IF YOU NEED ADVICE.
<3 <3 Team Hipster Runoff <3 <3