My entire life, I have tried to be an individual. I want to be noticed. I don’t want to blend in, nor do I want to be ordinary, boring, or bland. It’s very hard, particularly in the internet age where trend adoption happens so instantaneously [via viral tweet buzz]. I just want to be myself, and some how stay an ‘individual’ without being ‘mainstream cool’ enough for people to copy me.

According to this commercial, Miracle Whip is somehow a gateway to individuality and authenticity. Traditional mayonnaise represents everything ‘uncool’ and ‘mainstream’ about the world. I traditionally utilize my ‘taste in music’ and ‘technological adaptation’ to set myself apart, but it’s kinda weird how little things like ‘condiment choices’ can go a long way towards establishing a unique personal brand. Sorta like ppl who dip their fries in _______ instead of ketchup.

It seems like the people in this commercial are partying, enjoying life, and spending time with other human beings. They all seem confident in their personal brands, as if they have made a happy life where they can have rooftop parties in urban environments. I think it is safe to assume that they achieved this comfortable status by consuming Miracle Whip. Might go to Whole Foods and see if they have Miracle Whip, or if they try to tell me that organic mayonnaise is better 4 u.

Do u use Miracle Whip?
R u counting calories?
What is the most authentic condiment?
Should I just start saying ‘that’s s00 mir whip’ instead of ‘that’s s00 alt’ and ‘that’s s000 mayo’ instead of ‘that’s fckng mnstrm’?
If I smear some Miracle Whip on my AnCo vinyl, will it sound better?
Should I be Miracle Whip 4 Halloween?
Does it make u feel uncomfortable when generic products ‘over-brand’ themselves in order 2 ‘be kewl’ with ‘hip ppl’?

Miracle Whip might be the new Alt.
Miracle Whip might be some sort of ‘enzyme’ which enables authenticity.
Miracle Whip might be the new Sparks/PBR.
Plugging your head phones into an open jar of Miracle Whip might produce the best music ever made.
Miracle Whip might ‘prevent STDs and babies’ if u use it while having the sex with lovers.
Last night a dab of Miracle Whip saved my life.

Really feel like this marketing campaign ’spoke to me.’
When they tell u ‘Don’t Be So Mayo’
They are really telling u
‘Don’t be such a mnstrm fggt.’

Who has had a more positive impact on society: the designer who designed ‘the iPod/iPhone/macbook’ or the designer who designed the ‘upside down squeeze bottle’?

Note: Carles has ‘fixed’ HRO and commenting is now available.

Here is a commercial that is a ‘tutorial’ for the 4th meal way of life.

Feel like I can really identify with the fourth meal. Think it promotes ‘independence’ and creating your own form of happiness, even if you are doing something that might be ‘killing urself.’ From what I understand, when u eat late and fall asleep soon afterwards, your body stores the fat, much like a grizzly bear who is about to hibernate. The more fat you have, the more diabetes cells your body creates, and before you know it, one of your legs are being chopped off because you enjoyed ur life [via eating fast food].

Not sure if I even want to ‘party’ any more. Might find some sort of solace in ‘comfort food.’ Might eat tons of snacks/meal-sized portions, and take tons of naps. Want to find more things to do between dinner and breakfast–I feel ‘most alive’ during that time, sorta like a vampire who eats ‘junk food.’ Really just respect the fact that Bel Taco was able to shatter existing societal norms, like ‘the food pyramid’, and replace it with ‘the square.’

Seems like Del Taco really ‘gets’ me. What’s yalls fave ‘late nite snack’ joint? Do u ‘feel guilty’ when u ‘binge’ on fast food? Or is it fun 2 be ironic sometimes when ur buzzed + in a group setting?

Just want to be part of something larger than myself.
Just want to be a Fourth Mealer.
Wish I could be uneducated and poor, working a job ‘late at night.’ Wish I knew nothing about ‘nutritional values’ and could ’slowly kill myself’ without having to ‘overthink it.’ Might buy a CLIF bar or something.

Since I am moving to NYC after this summer to go to design school, I have started to read NYC-centric blogs to sort of ‘put my finger on the pulse’ of what real New Yorkers read and see on a daily basis. I couldn’t help but notice this huge Calvin Klein ad with 4 ppl in some sort of ‘orgy.’ It seems hot, and sexual. It reminds me of the feeling of when my ‘penis becomes erect’ while I am wearing jeans. I think that is what ‘advertising’/'marketing’ is all about–”SEX SELLS.”

Seems intense to have a 4some with a 3-to-1 boy-girl ratio. I would hope that I could be the one ‘doing the penetration.’ Then there is the bro who ‘awkwardly walks over and tries to position himself to ‘get a blowjie.’ Then there is ‘extra bro’ who is on the floor ‘tugging off’, hopefully getting his chance to ‘be inside’ of the girl eventually. Have yall ever had 3somes? Is it awkward when 1 of your bros is involved? Have u ever ‘crossed swords’?

Sort of worried about Am Appy’s brand. I read on a design blog that they ‘made an official flag.’ Think that this means that they might secede from America [via Civil War].

Photo via PSFK

Not sure if this flag is ’still sexual.’ Sorta wish it was a picture of a real broad, or something, maybe with her areolas exposed. Not sure if this is the kind of flag that I would want to ‘put on the moon.’ Can’t believe they have an official flag.

What do yall think of these branding choices?
Do yall think that sexual advertisements are bad 4 society?
Do u think it is natural to ‘get aroused’ when u see a sexie ad?
Have u ever ‘made love’ 2 more than 1 person at the same time?
Are Calvin Klein jeans ‘the new skinny jeans’?

Sometimes it is hard for me to evaluate what I truly value, and how much I value it. Do I value ‘friends’/'family’? Do I value ‘life experiences’ like ’studying abroad’? Do I value having new products in my possession? Do I value ’shit like Apple products’/'cell phones’/'the right to say that I was one of the first people to see an adventure action movie that is part of a trilogy’?

I saw these bros sitting outside of an urban boutique waiting to purchase the Kanye West sneakers, which I have previously reviewed. I wonder ‘what is so important’ about a shoe? Is there some sort of ‘technology’ that will make their lives’ better, or do they just want the right to the experience/right to purchase the shoe for $1000, or the right to sell the shoe on eBay to the ‘highest bidder’?

Wonder if I could ‘bond’ with the people who wait in line for new products, since we basically value the same stuff. Feels weird when ‘everything feels like a toy’, but there are still these adults who ‘really want to buy a kewl new toy that will make people think they are kewler.’

Always kinda weird when there is a higher demand than supply, and when people ‘wait overnight’ for the right to buy something. Kinda like a Nintendo Wii / Jonas Brothers tickets. Sort of reminds me of ’spoiled kids’ from my childhood, whose parents were ‘kinda bad and lazy’, just sort of letting their son/daughter ‘run away with the concept of COOL.’ Still angry that my parents weren’t like that.

Felt sad when I had to wait in line at an AT&T store for the new iPhone. Wish I lived in NYC/ a city with an Apple store so I didn’t feel like ’such a loser’ and I could actually bond with ‘kewl people’ who were part of the same ‘product tribe’ as me.

So what do yall value? Have yall ever ’sacrificed’ ur time 2 ‘wait for the right’ to ‘buy something fuckin awesome’? How does it feel when u have the product in ur hand, then spend several hundred dollars 2 purchase it? How does it feel the first time u use it?

Trying 2 be happy, and establish a hierarchy of wants and needs. Not sure if it means that a ‘lifestyle brand‘ has too much control over my life if I am willing to wait outdoors for more than 3 hours for it.

A Party Worth Blogging About
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
RSVP http://www.eatskeet.com/rsvp/
The Gansevoort Hotel Pool Centre
Photos by Miscellanous Alternative Photographers
Music by miscellaneous ‘relevant’ DJs

Do yall think the flyer is ‘authentic’? Is the lineup ‘authentic’? Should there be McDonalds cater the event [via 50 piece McNuggets]? Is n e 1 going to WMC, or is that ‘too techno’ for yall? Are ‘music and technology’ conferences pyramid schemes/gimmicks? Does n e 1 know if Miami is as fun as that song by Will Smith called ‘Miami’? [miss u Gloria Estefan]

Just want to be less of a ‘blog’ in 2k9, and more of a ‘brand’ that ‘does stuff’ ‘in real life.’

It was tough, but I’m starting 2 listen 2 him. Let me know what you think about my rebranding PR campaign. Just trying to let every1 know that they can be alt if they put their minds to it. Even the most mainstreamest black person in a wheel chair could be alt if they wanted 2, right yall?

Welcome to the Hipster Runoff! a place for every1 / society’s ‘leftovers’.

Found this flowchart and I think I might find out what it means and make it corporate policy.

Just want 2 hire people who are all different colours and sizes, so that we get a lot of different backgrounds+perspectives analyzing the problems we have and coming up with meaningful solutions. the actual solution isn’t as important as the fact that we ‘overcame’ together even though we’re all different and some of us came from divorced families.

Need 2 make sure every1 has the right to become the 44th President.

Need 2 do more meaningful graphic design.

Here is another flowchart that I am thinking of implementing/turning into more money so I can hire another staff writer.

This is a graph about white guilt.

This is a meme using American Apparel colours as a metaphor for people’s skin colour.

Need 2 UNITE my readers instead of finding out about comment wars and how HRO commenters are trying 2 kill 1 another.

Gotta do more to reach out to suburban tweens who are going through an internal crisis/realizing that they h8 their ‘cookie cutter life’ in suburbia that they were born in2.

Yall. Please don’t spend time commenting about how inauthentic HRO readers are getting. Instead, try to be more positive. Welcome them! Encourage them to become part of this brilliant community of trendsettings and beautiful minds! If u think about it, every1 has a beautiful mind in their own way.

HRO CARES
HRO GIVES A SHIT ABT U ‘AS A PERSON’
HRO IS HERE 4 U
HRO JUST HIRED HUMAN RESOURCES STAFF
HRO WANTS MORE COLOUREDS AND TWEENS ON HRO
HRO ‘GETS’ U

//// This is the rebranding of HRO.
Want u 2 feel ‘welcome.’
This is ur home away from home, yall.

U R UNIQUE.

It is okay to talk like me. Talking like Carles/HRO makes u normal+self-aware+authentic.

A lot of ppl complain in the cmmnt threads that cmmntrs try 2 hard to sound like HRO, but there’s nothing wrong with that. You are a part of something bigger than yourself. Something authentic.  

Be extremely proud of yourself for ‘getting it.’  

In fact, “getting” HRO is the equivalent of fulfilling an 60 hour requirement of ‘progressive’ liberal arts courses at a top 100 university/community college.

We are all trying to build an army of supporters who are eager to ‘mimic’/'implement’ ur ‘way of life’ into their way of life. When u get into a relationship, u don’t rlly NEED another person. U just NEED a reason to be alive. We want to know ‘why?’ We want 2 know other people identify with us. We want 2 know that we are unique. We want to know that we are differentiated.

Master lifestyle brands want you to be a soldier for them.
A Master Lifestyle Brand will represent you what you represent the brand.
Start seriously thinking about the future of your personal brand. R u looking to go local, regional, national, or global?

// I am building an army.

I think it’s fair to say that NIKE will always be the best ‘lifestyle brand’ for both mainstreamers and alts. They have a dual identity. While the probably have well-developed research facilities to develop cutting edge products for the top athletes & the best ‘kids who play a sport and have parents who love them too much’, most of the alternative branding is done with ‘old products that aren’t incredibly comfortable, but people enjoy how they are perceived by others when they wear the product.’ AKA ‘The Convese All Star Theory’.

Sneakers/shoes/footwear are a HUGE representation of ‘who u r’, so I figured I should breakdown what popular shoes mean about U.

Good examples are:

The Samba - I wonder what would happen if people who owned Sambas were required to register for an indoor soccer league. Overall, a ‘humble yet alt’ look that I would compare to a modern take on the Converse All Stars.

Nike Air Force 1s - They are for both black and white people. For people who have advanced beyond having a desire for owning the shoes that belong to a popular athlete.

Generally, Air Force 1s are colourful, and these colors can be used by generic altbros to differentiate from ‘the pack.’ People think they are supposed to be interested in interesting colors on shoes.

Nike Dunks - Are these the same as AirForce1s? I can’t rlly tell.

New Balance 991s - A shoe made for mainstreamers/frat bros/girls who wear athletic shorts+a university t-shirt. These shoes are built for comfort. I wonder if they selected a comfy shoe on purpose, or if it was an arbitrary decision.

Reebok PUMPS - Worn by some one who is probably a VERY dedicated alt or a self-proclaimed ’sneaker freak’ who wants to stand out more than Nikes would allow him to. When it comes to ‘form’, I don’t see why any one would prefer a Reebok design over a Nike design. However, the guy who ‘is wearing pumps’ really wants your attention.

Vans - You might be an entry level ’scenester’ if you wear Vans.

Checkered Vans - You might be a future FGGT/GHEY/future-failed-alt who gets too involved with marijuana and being quirky


The awkward Nike shoe that looks like an indoor soccer shoe/Van – what kind of ass hole would wear this? Probably a failed cool dad.


Adidas Gazelles - If you want an Adidas indoor soccer shoe, you should buy a Samba. Gazelles are kind of like alt-Vans (that’s a bad thing).

Steve Madden Men’s Shoes - It’s probably ‘business casual day’ if u r wearing these shoes.

Keds - You are REALLY being an ass hole if you wear KEDS. You are probably a ‘kid who thinks he/she is smart even though you go to community college and only wear Earth tones/pastels and actually still have Wes Anderson posters up in your room.’


Doc Marten Sandals - Ur probably taking a bath in Abercrombie cologne and shaving your 14 year old pubes in preparation for your ‘first sexual experience’ if you wear these.

Asics - these are for people who are still trying to find themselves/are trying too hard to differentiate.

LA Lights - The type of person who wears these would also like to have a conversation about shows that were on Nickelodeon when you were a kid. ‘Remember Pete&Pete?’


Regular Converse -a classic look that often justifies itself/leaves much to be desired at the same time. It sort of says ‘I am a humble person’ but still lets people know that you are either 10-25% alt or 100% post-alt.

Quirky coloured converse - You were probably in a ska band in high school and are attached to your image as ‘the smart kid who was also artistic and also had a quirky side that his teachers absolutely loved!’

Interesting print Converse - The weekend shoes of mainstreamers.


Converse All Star Xtra High - If u wear these, u do not contribute anything positive to society. Your legs should be removed from the knees-down, and your legs should be used to keep kids in Africa warm.

Awkard Puma soccer/turf shoe - You should have bought some Sambas instead of being a weirdo.


Womens Reebok Freetyle Hi - I have yet to meet a girl who would actually wear this.

Why is Reebok trying to trick French people who like tecktonic into thinking their shoes make them dance better?

Yelle is more important to Reebok than Michael Jordan is to Nike.

Have u seen this Funny YELLE product placement commercial for Reebok?

On the subject of alt-celebrities promoting shoes…
I still can’t believe Converse hired the guy from the Strokes, the black guy from The Pharrell, and Santogold to write a song to promote Converse. This quirky video that forced music blogs to sound excited about an MP3 from multiple artists from different target audiences was one of the biggest hoaxes of the modern bloghouseosphere era.

The song is pretty funny. I feel like sneaker companies forget t
hat ‘normal people’ wear shoes. It’s not just people who ‘think their shoes make them look cool.’ This song is the type of song that ‘people who think that listening to certain new/buzzworthy artists makes them cool’ would listen to on their way to the mall.

I feel like music blogs have a bad reputation because up to this point because of this type of content. A lot of ‘d-bags who think the are supposed to find a collaboration like this interesting’ are the main proponents of mp3 blogs as a news/culture source. So while bloggers feel pressured to ‘blog about this new [HIGHLY BLOGGABLE] content’, the marketers/companies gain promotion but subtract from the authenticity of their message & the authenticity of the targeted blog as a tastemaking source. Advertising to ‘alts who are too cool for anything, but still kind of impressionable’ is difficult, and companies must hire better marketing teams in order to reach the new ALT MARKET, as opposed to advertising to the circa 2002 HIPSTER MARKET.

BUT SRSLY…
IS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO PROMOTE THE CONVERSE ALL STAR? If I were the CEO of Converse, I would stop making every non-AllStar shoe and cancel their initiatives with high-profile athletes like Dwayne Wade.

Converse should just start distributing through thrift stores and be happy with ‘letting people pay what they want’ for their shoes. It worked for Radiohead’s “In Rainbows” and I think this product is similar.

Overall, I think Nike is the powerhouse with all of the history to make the best marketing campaigns. They realize that alts buy their products, but they don’t dedicate that much direct marketing towards them. They let ’sneaker designing boutiques’ and popular athletic figures who every1 liked as a kid to keep the brand’s presence strong with the alts.

This commercial appeals to both mainstreamers and alts with powerful imagery/iconography that we can all associate with. In addition, it utilizes that anthem by the Killers about having soul but not being a soldier (this song theoretically appeals to every1/sounds like the kind of song that mainstreamers-who-are-unaware-of-new-bands will go out and buy, then have conversations about ‘hearing this awesome song in a Nike commecial and the CD is actually really amazing.’)

[HIGHLY RECCD ENDING WITH A SPRINTER WITH NO LEGS]

I don’t think Nike’s alternative advertising is very heavy-handed. They keep their mainstream markets as a top priority as opposed to trying to ‘take over the alts.’ For example, this Nike Soccer commercial was directed by Guy Richie, who is theoretically an indie director (who banged Madonna), so every one can feel comfortable liking it.

N e ways…What kind of shoes do you wear?
Which lifestyle brand do u trust?
Which business is the best?
What shoes will be big in 2k9?
Do u feel like u r way 2 valued as a ‘hipster’ consumer by d-bags who have brainstorming sessions where they try to identify ‘what makes a hipster’?
What is a ‘hipster’?
What is an ‘alt’?
What is a ’scenester’?
Should I buy shoes only based on comfort?
Should I buy shoes that are made by lil AZN kids/women who are being underpaid?
Does being a ‘responsible consumer’ make the world a better place?
Remember hippie kids who ‘didn’t wear shoes’?

Since most men can’t wear clothes like these/they don’t sell clothes like these in the Old Navy Men’s section, alternative society has turned to the glorification of ‘wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes.’

Also, we are in an era where men receive a gold star for wearing an accessory that lets people know that they are trying to differentiate from the standard bro. Whether it is a pair of sunglasses, an alternative Livestrong bracelet, or some clunky hat, men can achieve fashion recognition by wearing something that is only 10% differentiated from a mainstream un-cool Dad on vacation.

For example, being a male who is recognized for ‘having good fashion sense’ is only about 5-10% differentiated from this old man. All he would need is a MembsOnly Jacket swap, some bigger print/a more obnoxious graphic on his t-shirt, jeans that cost $20 more, and a Yankees cap with the logo upside down or some gimmick like that.

Anyways, all of this is inspired because I saw this TERRIBLE video that glorifies these generic ‘urban wear’ bros. The thing I don’t understand about all of this urban wear is that they really take the whole ‘LIFESTYLE BRAND’ too seriously. Theoretically, life style brands are good for culture. Realistically, they are just a way for marginally creative people to change the colours of products that already exist and sell them to a niche market.

When I watch this video, I just imagine all of these bros saying in their urban-y dialect ‘fashion is like, art, that people wear around to places.’
[HIGHLY RECCD VIDEO]
[SRSLY THIS VIDEO MADE ME WANT TO LIVE NAKED IN THE WOODS WITH MGMT, Nell, and Henry David Thoreau 4 THE REST OF MY LIFE]

Which 1 of these featured men is ur fave?

1. Bailey Roberts (the deep fashionista wearing blind people glasses) did yall hear about ‘the colorful shit dying down’/that people need to start having beach parties to save fashion?
2. Maestro – he makes videos. I hope that provides him with enuff $$$ to buy colourful shoes.
3. Aaron Williams – he is wearing old lady Golden Girl Glasses
4. Joey Calderon – Mexi or AZN?
5. BJ the Chicago Kid – he thinks ur ’swag’ is really important.
6. Kyle Awtry – I feel like this white guy is what Panda Bear would be if he listened to too much rap/rap-rock during his formative years and didn’t attend a school for the Arts.
7. Geoff Nishimoto – There is always an AZN who gets mixed up in perceived-as-alt-&-authentic black hiphop culture. O well. he listens 2 Crystal Castles and makes AZN Honda Civic gang signals.
8. Dom Kennedy – He is dressed like a ‘janitor who is trying to be cool and is a little bit ashamed to mop elementary school floors even though he drives a Mercedes. Also, he talks to his girlfriend who is also at a low-paying night job on his blue tooth for the duration of the night on the job.’
9. Cecil Bernardy – forgettable lil Andre 3000 bro.
10. Jay – He looks like a guy who walks into a Chili’s with a Blue Tooth headset and a mistress, and treats her like she is

“Flashing Lights” by Kanye West: A “deep” song for black people/people who are trying to be black people?

[VIDEO FROM GVB Tumblr]

I am a huge fan of letting your consumer decisions represent your inner-soul/personal brand or whatever, but I just find it hard to take some of these bros who are involved in the ‘urban wear’ scene seriously. While we are all looking for our ideal profession or even just some sort of reason that we are alive/what we can contribute to humanity, all of these bros must look themselves in the mirror and understand that no one was put on this earth to doodle on t-shirts or change the color of Nikes.

Also…Is it fair to assume that women have an easier time simulating their adoption of ‘high-end’ fashion trends? Do they have more opportunities to accessories, or are there better stores for women where they can buy stuff that’s ‘in’?

Bros will be bros. Bros will always wear jeans, tennis shoes, and shirts with or without collars. Not rlly a big deal, yall.