HIPSTER RUNOFF » NME

Some ‘respected’ U.K. magazine makes list of ‘50 artists who are going 2 alter the future of music

Carles — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:37:38 +0000

Sometimes I read blogs that post ‘relevant stories’ that were generated by magazines. I am not sure if music magazines will still be alive in _ years, but I think that their last opportunities to ‘get people to visit their websites’ means making ‘huge lists’ where they list a bunch of blogworthy/noteworthy people, then get ‘the entire internet’ to react to it, as if their ‘editorial staff’ is a group of people who are ‘way more qualified’ than a ‘bro who started a blogspot.’

I think that ‘NME Magazine’ is something that exists in the United Kingdom. From what I understand, lots of artists try to ‘get buzz’ in the UK or something, then they try to ‘make it cool in the USA.’ Kinda like the Spice Girls. Sometimes it catches on, but sometimes it doesn’t [via David Beckham/The Office]. I think that life is different in the United Kingdom, and they are into different aesthetics, so I feel ‘pissed’ when Americans want to ’seem more european’ so they’ll pretend 2 like British stuff. Feel like it is kewler to ‘like’ French + scandinavian stuff [via IKEA]. Possibly Japan.

America is #1, and I feel like the USA is the kewlest country in the world. h8 the british buzz gimmick.

N e ways… NME made this list of ‘artists who are going 2 change music/art/everything’ in the future. Here is the ‘deep blurbe’ that NME ‘wrote’ abt the list:

In times of economic uncertainty everyone always yawns on about people hankering for familiarity and hiding in nostalgia. But that just doesn’t seem to make much sense. Surely it’s more reassuring to know that things are progressing and developing rather than lying stagnant?

After watching the 2009 Future 50 take shape, it is now our firmly-held belief that no matter what happens to us – come further financial meltdown, come raining sulphur or plagues of locusts, come the new Twang album, even – everything will fall into place. One day it will all make sense.

Here is NME’s ‘future 50′ list, with HRO’s ‘criticism’/'analysis:

50. Gaggle – not sure who/what this is. Remember 1 time I ‘invented’ tuggles of AZNs.
49. Xenomania -seems like a ‘Peter Jackson’ movie
48. Invasion - Not sure what this is.
47. Yo Gabba Gabba! – just a gimmick 4 kids + parents to buy ‘kewl street clothes with zany creatures’ + ‘collab with relevant artists
46. Diesel:U:Music Radio - think that the Diesel brand probs ‘paid’ for this somehow [via advertising]. Seems like a ‘widget’ or something.
45. Cooly G - seems like a ‘mashup’ of Coolio and Warren G
44. Star And Shadow Cinema - Might be a movie theatre with ’stadium seating.’
43. Sonar Festival – are all music festivals ‘the same’
42. Blackout Crew – Seems like a group of frat bros who ‘date rape’ bitches and came up with a sweet facebook group
41. 3OH!3 – music 4 kidz who r trapped in suburbia / fggts
40. Stephen McGregor – Must be Ewan MacGregor’s son ‘gravy training’ off his dad’s fame.

39. Opera - I think this is some sort of ‘internet browser’
38. Aldene Johnson and Hannah Marshall - Sounds like 2 girls who look keut and make mediocre music
37. Project Natal - Probably something about ‘abortion’
36. Lady GaGa - hope she ‘has a meltdown’ somehow.
35. Rostam Batmanglij - Think this is the Vampy Weekend keyboardist bro.
34. Hyperdub – sounds like a ‘ghey ass’ genre of music
33. Seb Chew – sounds like an azn genre of music, like ‘eating noodles with a lot of bass’
32. Sweden – not sure if this is ‘the country’ or a pop star
31. Greg Kurstin – wish it was Greg Kinnear [via Lil Miss Sunshine]. Sad that Joel McHale will never be the actor that Greg Kinnear is [via Talk The Soup]
30. Beck - via the year 19k90

29. Sonic Boom – This was a ‘move’ by Guile, a character in streetfighter. Was a ’sweet move’ but I think ‘Hadouken’ is already a band name.
28. Take That’s stage show – I remember ‘Take That’ sang this sweet song about wanting u back 4 good.

27. Bandstocks.com/Patrick Wolf – seems like some sort of product placement. Not sure if Patty Wolf is ’still a band’ or just some brand that is co-marketed with magazines+websites.
26. Micachu - I think this is a jewish rapper who ppl think is ‘kewl’. might be band, or possibly a guitar bro.
25. Salem - I think that they are ‘buzzworthy’ and will probably accidentally see them within the next 2 years.
24. Gigbaby – Seems like an octomom meme (R.I.P.)
23. The Dream – I think this is a ‘producer turned artist’ black guy. Seems like they had to put ‘a black person’ on this list.
22. Ray Tintori – sounds like ‘Ray Liotta’
21. Platform – sound like ‘pavement’

20. The Big Pink - I have heard that they are ‘overhyped by the UK media’. Seems like I won’t listen to them for a year or two, then when I hear them, they will make me feel the same way that the dirtieprojjies do
19. Twitter - Seems ‘relevant.’ Heard that u can use it to tell people where ur chilling and meetup to share pictures or something.
18. Popjustice – Think this is Justice’s sideproject
17. Mike Sniper - I think this is the bro who ’shot up people’ from the top of the tower at the University of Texas in Austin
16. Nick Zinner - seems like a guy whose name showed up on your caller ID when caller ID was first invented
15. Norwich - Think this is a ‘city’
14. Bradford Cox - It is important 4 magazines to ‘hype up’ artists that are ‘obviously going to be successful’ just so that they can feel like ‘they did it.’
13. Mattias Arrelid - confused
12. Dan The Automator – sounds like a ‘fat person’s nickname’
11. Blocks Recording Club – Confused

10. La Roux – I am still trying to understand if this is a band/girl/bro or something. Seems to have an overwhelming marketing reach.
9. Little Boots – Not sure if she is still ‘relevant.’ Think she just had an album that was ‘huge’ in the UK.
8. VBS.TV – Have never watched it. Think they make stuff that is ‘too serious’. Just want to ‘look at those fucking hipsters.’ I think they make ‘mad ad revenue’ though or something.
7. Jack White – Feel like I am waiting for this bro to do something ‘legitimately crazy.’ Like ‘taking a poop’ on Conan O’brien’s desk, or ‘beating some1 until they almost die and settling out of court’, or something.
6. The XX - They will be ’solid’ and ‘heavily relied upon’ for putting meaningful songs on a mix CD 4 a girl.
5. Omar Souleyman - seems like a ’souley’ bro
4. Dizzee Rascal – I think he was ‘indie’ in 2k4 [via 'hipster hop']
3. Trent Reznor – Still don’t ‘get’ the obsession with legacy artists who say ‘obvious things’ but are ‘glorified’ for being ‘fucking geniuses about the modern music industry.’ Seems like he is ‘respectable’ but don’t understand why ‘indie outlets’ need 2 ‘cover him.’
2. The Knife - Remember when they were ‘relevant’ in 2k_. Maybe they have a new album coming out. Seems weird that they ‘totally sat out’ the bloghouse era. I think that they will make some sort of ‘really good album’ that I will resent. Wonder if they will make new ‘cock nose’ masks.

1. Animal Collective – ’s00000 0bvious.’ Christ. The should at least do something stupid, like write out the ‘real name’ of a band member. Like write out ‘Noah Lennox is #1.’ or possibly ‘Noah Lennox’s twitter feed is #1.’

Feel pretty ______ about this ‘list.’ Feel happy/sad that magazines are dying. Seriously feel ’sad’ for a bro who doesn’t read the internet, and only reads NME magazine, and thinks this list is ‘cutting edge.’ Worried that if I go blind, I won’t be able to consume the internet, and I would just have to listen to radio.

What do yall think of NME’s list?
Is it ‘relevant’?
Will all of these people/bands/websites ‘change the world/art/music’ or something?
Do British people ‘know what the fuck they are talking about’?
If u were a magazine, what would u do to ‘utilize ur brand’ to ‘get blog + twitter chatter’ going?
Is Animal Collective reall going 2 ‘change the world’?
Is Twitter really more important than Lady Gaga?
Who would be on ur list for ‘bros who are gonna shatter society’s norms’?

Remember the time that NME ‘made a list’ of the Top 25 indie American bands?
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/08/1-list-of-25-bands-that-kind-of-hurts-americas-image.html

1 List of 25 Bands That Kind of Hurts America’s Image :-(

Carles — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:37:00 +0000

Have yall read about how America doesn’t have any good artists n e more, and how we have to import our culture from France/the UK/Australia/Jappy-an/Scandinavia/Estonia in order to stay on the cutting edge of global alt status?

Fortunately, NME compiled a list of bands that have kept America c00l.

According to NME, these r 25 bands that r ‘making America cool again.’ I think they got some of them wrong.

HRO [EXCLUSIVE] BREAKDOWN
1 Vampire Weekend - is it Alt to hate them? or is it alt-er to transcend ‘hating them’? or is it alt-est to pretend you don’t really know who they are?
2 Lil Wayne - filling the quarterly demand for a rapper that it is [highly regarded] as being historically significant by white people who like to pretend that pop-rap is an important reflection on the social evolution of African Americans that they feel tolerant about ‘identifying with’
3 Glass Candy - a band making your electroblog authentic again/ 1 band with the #1 MILF in alt music
4 Kings Of Leon - I have heard 1.5 of their songs. They will probably be around forever and I will never give them a chance.
5 MGMT – Please direct your attention to this post about why uninteresting people think they are supposed to like MGMT.
6 Spank Rock - 1 post-post-ironic sex-core think-piece rapper. If I were a black person, I would h8 him for ‘making fun of us and thinking he is s00 smart/artsy.’
7 TV On The Radio - I think they would choose to be from another country if they had the opportunity, since it would make them ‘more authentic.’

8 Boy Crisis – with a name like that, they are probably going after the market of people who like to say ‘GIRL TALK’. But SRSLY…who is that?
9 Black Kids – 1 band that I will never learn the difference between them + The Cool Kids
10 Holy Ghost Revival -Is this HOLY GHOST! or some different band?
11 The Hold Steady - for some reason I think this band is from the emo-era of 2k0
12 Fleet Foxes - Am I not a good American if I haven’t bothered to look into finding a way to appreciate them? Does n e 1 know if they are meaningful? Or are they one of those post-2k8 semi-meaningful-authentic bands that probably should have come around in 2005 so they wouldn’t be cannibalized by blogs. (Being cannibalized by bl0gs only works for electro-ish artists, but they aren’t expecting to get paid.)
13 Amazing Baby - Have they been blggd abt? They might as well be a local band that I ignore.
14 Jay Reatard - He has an interesting name, but otherwise, I shouldn’t know who he is. Does n e 1 know if he is retarded IRL? Is that his stage gimmick?
15 HEALTH - I wonder what these concept bros are up to. Is there a HEALTH backlash after 2 many remixes?
16 The Cool Kids - 1 band that I will never learn the difference between them + The Black Kids
17 Black Lips - Do they sing the song about Hurricane Katrina? Are they one of those bands like NO AGE that sux, but ‘people appreciate them’?
18 Yo Majesty – With that kind of name, they are either an overweight black rapper, or a UK ‘highly regarded’ retro-ish band
19 White Denim - another band that high-end alts acclimate themselves to since GVB enjoys them. I <3 the power of the gorillvsbear. It’s cool because I have been GVBed, therefore, I am significant.
20 Telepathe - Sounds like they are from France.
21 Iglu & Hartly - Huh? They must have gone to high school with the magazine editor.
22 Chester French -Who?
23 Girl Talk – I wonder if he’d be bigger if he was from France/Japan? Based on the fact that he is on this list, it means that he is America’s #1 DJ. R u comfortable with that? I’d rather have him representing us in the DJ Olympics instead of some guido/eurotrash d-bag playing tacky thump-house music.
24 The Death Set – they probably have a ghey logo/ gheyer fans
25 Grace Jones - Is that the woman who looks like she is made out of plastic/used to be a mummy?

If NME really wanted to help rebuild America’s image, they should have written an article that declared ‘all other countries bl0w/r full of inauthentic ‘fggts’.’

I don’t even believe in ‘countries’ any more, yall. Borders = s0 2k7. I feel like we’re all just citizens of Blogville in the United States of the Alt-Internet. It doesn’t matter where n e 1 is even from… I just want a free mp3 and I want to see ‘the next big band’ more than 6 months before they are ‘big.’

America is fine. We just need to find a way to make sure that ________ ends up as the President. I heard he is going to lower the legal ______ age for entry level alts/lil alts. He will also pass an electro-tax that is meant to give money to myspace bands. They are also in talks to distribute a copy of Ableton Live to every single child in a public school.

If NME wants to help America get a better image, they need to start at the ground level. They need to get kids portable hypemachine players to replace their iPods/satellite radios. Our generation is lost. We just need to work for the future, and focus on alt-lectro education. That’s the only way to win THE WAR ON lofi/garage/cockrock/fggtcore/meaningfulcore/underwhelming-indie TERROR.

‘The only way to save our world is to Americanize it. Especially the brown-ish countries that believe in 2ManyGods.’
-HIPSTER RUNOFFS

1 List of 25 Bands That Kind of Hurts America’s Image :-(

Carles — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:37:00 +0000

Fortunately, NME compiled a list of bands that have kept America c00l.

According to NME, these r 25 bands that r ‘making America cool again.’ I think they got some of them wrong.

If NME really wanted to help rebuild America’s image, they should have written an article that declared ‘all other countries bl0w/r full of inauthentic ‘fggts’.’

‘The only way to save our world is to Americanize it. Especially the brown-ish countries that believe in 2ManyGods.’
-HIPSTER RUNOFFS