It’s chill to have a ‘real penis’, since u can do stuff with it like urinate or ‘tug off’, but sometimes I feel like there would be less pressure on men if they had some sort of yarn-based art+craft generated penis. Think about how ur penis can get you into trouble:

• Implanting a baby in a girl
• getting an STD
• ‘making poor decisions cuz ur thinking with ur peen’
• making love to the wrong person
• miscellaneous accident
• peeing ur pants
• make u look like a ‘perv’ when u ‘get hard’ in ur skinny jeans

I think life might be better if we could have some sort of ‘replica peens’/sexual organs. Most men just see penis size as a social status symbol, so there has to be a way to create augmented realities 4 every1.  I feel like there would actually be a ‘huge market’ for this and not even just for aesthetic purposes. I understand that a lot of parents don’t want their kids to receive free condoms ever, but a ‘craft cock’ might be the solution to everything.  If we could some how transition ‘penis envy’ into a fun accessory that men can customize, things would be better for teen boys who were ’still growing up’ and men who were ‘dissatisfied’ with the size of their cumshooter.  There would also be less ‘teen pregnancy’ and less abortions, if yall think those are bad things.

Choose.Your.Own.Penis.

It would be sweet to be able to customize your craft penis. If I wanted a ‘12 inch erect African American cock’, then I could buy some purple yarn and start crafting my new tweeter. If I wanted an 8 inch needle-dick, I could possibly just use some ‘pasta’ to create the ideal penis. If I wanted a post-ironic millimeter peter, then I could create an art+craft on the microscopic level and people would appreciate my artistic skills and attention to detail. Here is a ‘missle head’ cock that I recently constructed.

What would ur art+craft peen look like?
Questions for females: What does ur ideal peen look like? Would you ever make a penis for your loved one?

Really think this post would be cool if we could have ‘an actual discussion’ about sexual organs instead of just giggling about this type of stuff. It makes me sad that tweens will live their entire lives’ exposed to hi-speed video porn, thinking that life is just one huge ‘fuckfest.’ Feel bad for women in 2day’s society since a lot of men just see them as ‘fuck dolls’ without realizing it.  Sad that men just think with their peters and hurt women and hurt themselves.  Wish ppl would realize the consequences and dangers of sex, and chill in monogamous relationships.

Should I learn how to crochet, or should I just keep shopping at Am Appy?

This is a post encouraging alternative men to check their testicles for lumps.

* do the self-examination lying in a warm bath or while having a long shower, as this softens the skin of the scrotum (skin sac that holds the testicles), which makes it easier to feel the testicles inside.
* examine the scrotum, looking for any lumps on the skin or swellings inside.
* cradle the whole scrotum and testicles in the palm of your hand and feel the difference between the testicles. One is almost always larger and lying lower. This is completely normal.
* examine each testicle in turn, and then compare them with each other. Use both hands and gently roll each testicle between thumb and forefinger.
* Check for any lumps or swellings as both testicles should be smooth except where the duct that carries sperm to the penis, the epididymis, runs. This lies along the top and back of the testicle and normally feels bumpy.

I sincerely want my readers 2 be healthy. ‘Health’ (not the band) will become a very relevant topic on this blog as I move forward. I want 2 live 4evr.

Screen urself.

Sorta wish I had a yarn peepee bc yarn doesn’t get the cancer. :-(
Don’t wanna die.

Want my female readers to be safe, too.

Also important that the aging music critic bros ‘get their prostates examined.’

Much like ‘unEarthing a buzzband’, early detection is critical.

I am not sure what sort of ‘bro’ this is, or if this is some sort of creature from an alternative underworld. I am ‘insanely confused’ by this creature’s anatomy–unable to tell what the creature is ‘all about.’ From what I can tell, this creature is made up of the following parts:

• part ‘ghey’
• part ‘male’
• part ‘female’
• part ‘ram’/'billy goat’

He seems like he might be a ‘local celebrity’ in a thriving ‘homosexual/transgendered’ community. Possibly he is a ‘party kid’ like the now deceased Michael Alig, best known from the movie ‘The Party Monsters’ as a bro who ‘chopped up another bro’, even though they both just ‘wanted 2 partie and get fucked up.’

I am not sure where the whole ‘party scene’ is going. I think that maybe ‘dancing’ might be dying again, especially now that MJ is dead. Seems like a great time for conceptual core music/fuzz-blog-post-wave to ‘emerge’ as the most listened to music of the next era. Remember ‘the electro jungle’ gimmick?

Not sure if this creature is supposed to be ‘friendly’ or perhaps some sort of ‘predator’ who kills mnstrms when they try to party. Think he might be about ‘murder’ and ‘beauty’ since he has a gun + blowdryer tatty set. Might be ‘a think piece’ who just wants u 2 question ur own humanity/beastialitie. Wonder what my ‘tranny-power-animal’ would be [via the Fight Clubs].

Please feel free to look at a picture of a ‘white peen covered in black paint’ at this location. Think it might be a metaphor for ‘wanting a larger shaft.’

Lately, I have heard of some new alternative community gimmick called NAKED BIKE RIDES. I don’t think they are for like internet-cultured type of people, but more of the ‘far out’ old alternative people, and possibly ‘the homosexual community.’

I think that it is supposed to be ‘raising awareness’ for ‘automobiles causing 2 much pollution.’ like a pack of ppl ‘go on a naked bike ride’ to make ppl pay attention 2 them. I drive a Range Rover, and I h8 bikers because they ‘want to be respected like they are real vehicles’ but never obey traffic laws, and put their lives’ in danger. If I had my way, bikes could only chill on sidewalks.

Have yall ever been on 1 of these naked bike rides? Did u ‘put body art’ on urself, or did u just ‘rock out with ur metaphorical cock out’?

MORE NSFW pix ‘after the jump’ ….

Might eat some pizza/cupcakes with Mexicalts

Feels weird seeing ‘a group of ghey altbros’

Might invite my free spirited grand parents

Feel sad that my other grandfather ‘went looney’ after my grandmother died. :-(

Hope that a ‘relevant indie core band’ plays a live set

Might be a good place to show off my ‘cock piercing’

Worried that it will attract some ‘raver culture’ type of ppl…

Might bring my lil bro / innercity kid who I am ‘mentoring’ to show him what it means 2 have a better life

Might come down to ’show my support’ but still be insecure abt my bod

Does ur community have zany events?
R u ‘an exhibitionist’?
Do u think cars are ‘fucking bullshit’?
Do u own a bicycle/ride it around instead of owning a car?
Do u only ride fixed gear bikes?
R u afraid of ‘over the hill’ alternative ppl who didn’t have a typical consumer-driven alternative existence which led to a heightened sense of self-awareness?
Are there pix of ur cock/tits on the internet?

I remember back in 2k7/2k8, when all u had 2 do was wear a leather jacket to get a lil tug job. I h8 how the ’scene’ has evolved. Wish I could go back 2 my altbro prime. Wish I could ‘get tugjobs’ ‘very easily’ from entry level alts who were just ‘looking to fit into a scene’ by being sexually active with

I miss the days when girls hadn’t already ‘touched too many peens’ and were still ‘delighted’ to meet urs. h8 growing up. h8 having 2 deal with some1’s past.

everything
is
changing.

Previous Tugjob Coverage
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/tag/tugjobs

Previous alt Penises
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/tag/penises

I feel sad to be single and alone without knowing what girls <3 about men. Do they want money? Status? Looks? Do they want some1 to tell them that they are special? That they love them? That they want to be with them forever? That u want to do more than just ‘fuck’ them [via making love]? I feel jealous of this bro.

I just want to find out what it takes to be a charismatic bro, dedicated to his art and transcendent of society’s rigid norms, like ‘wearing clothes’, ‘being healthy’ and ‘covering up ur peen.’ I sort of want to be free, and have some1 <3 me 4 me. I just want to be confident with who I am. I just want to chill, be myself, and not worry about anything. I need to grow up and stop taking my anti-anxiety medication. I think I can be free.

Should I go on the popular TV show “America’s Biggest Loser”? s00 many inspirational stories. Wonder if they would help me start an electro band instead of ‘losing weight.’

Just want to be a bro
‘rocking out [via cock out]‘

Had a lot of fun at coachelly. Met some new bros, heard some new buzzbands (The Killers, Peter Bjorn and John, The My Bleeding Valentines, etc.). Twittered a lot about how I was feeling (hot, cold, dehydrated, headaches, hungry, happy) and what just happened (heard a song I liked, tall person in front of me, band being ‘late’ to the stage, band ’sucking’, some1 ‘doing something stupid’, etc.).

Glad that my bros and I can all twitter and experience life 2 gether.

N e ways, watched a few ‘vimeos’ Aka ‘the alt youtube.’ Saw some videos of coachella, and I’m not sure which 1 was more representative of ‘THE COACHELLA EXPERIENCE.’

Video 1: A chill ass party with bloghouse DJs, alt celebs, altbros finding themselves, and that 1 song about ‘1 day we’re gonna live in Paris’ in the background.

This video makes coachella seem like a chill ass time. Doesn’t even seem like u need to go to the festival, u just need 2 be 1 of many bros who ‘goes to a party’ at a local upscale hotel/resort, and just stands there ‘looking relevant.’ There are also a lot of ‘bad ass product placement shots.’ Think that brands are supposed to have ’strong presences’ at alternative events, and then ‘get blogged about.’ Hotties in bikinis. Keut Am Appy swim suits. Palm Trees. Ppl in sunglasses. Seems like this video might be what ‘being young, free, and chilling in the general vicinity of a music festival’ might be all about.

Video 2: Some bro with a lil peen getting tazed by Cops

This video probably represents ‘rebelling’ against the modern music festival. It sux how every aspect of festivals have a sponsor. I’m tired of seeing my favourite band play on AT&T Wireless Stage/Chili’s Stage [ via stage sponsorships ]. Tired of pissing in port-o-potties that are sponsored. Feel sad for the bro with a lil peen. Think he just wants to chill, do some salvia/acid, and watch M.I.A. and Paul McCartney perform live. I think that people got to walk around with their peens out at Woodstock. I think that festivals are supposed to be ‘a safe place for tweens’ since they are the people who ‘purchase a $200 ticket for their birthday’/'getting good grades on their report card’ [via parental reward].

Guess there’s no place in the world for old men with lil peens. But it also might be viral marketing. Just can’t be too sure these days. Honestly, I really posted this post just 2 ask ‘how big do u think that bro’s peen is when it is 100% ERECT?’

Wonder if Woodstock was even ‘that chill.’
Wish there was a way to find out what the most authentic music festival experience of all time was, then start a business where we created a ‘time machine’, and sold tickets to attend this music festival for $300-500.

Are yall going 2 any music fests this summer? Looking forward 2 anything?
Sad that this is my last year in high school… nervous.

COACHELLA OR BUST!!!

Photo via EatSkeet

[via my mom's mini van]

[Photo by icanteachyouhow2doit]
In 2k8, most of my male readership pretended to be ‘grossed out’ by the sight of __% of a peen. However, in 2k9, they will utilize the ZOOM feature of their Macbooks [CTRL+SCROLL] in order to ‘get a better peep’ at alternative junks.

2k9 will be all about experimentation and testing new sexual boundaries. Kinda like a softcore porno television series on cable television. It’ll be ‘about sex’ but it won’t be raunchy. It will be sensual, and the former ‘tug’ experience will be about connecting with some1 on a spiritual+emotional+meaningful level.

2k9 will be all about serious relationships.
(I might be wrong. I’m just scared and looking 4 stability. What is 2k9 gonna b all abt?)

Previous Mummified Alt
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/11/modern-mummification-processes.html

Previous peen coverage
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/10/last-nights-lil-tug.html
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/07/nut-slips-are-the-new-nip-slips.html
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/10/who-has-the-most-authentic-altpenis-some-fggt.html
http://www.hipsterrunoff.com/2008/08/4-the-ladies-who-like-red-heads.html [GINGER PEEN]

//// Searching // 4 // Breathability /////

Don’t women think that ‘boxer briefs are totally sexie’?

Should I play that game that went viral b4 the internet existed called ‘Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon’ with Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon?

Miss u

//r u still authentic?
Do girls prefer to tug peens that pop out of American Appy undies?
Or do they prefer altbros who wear Old Navy boxers that their moms buy them [via suburbia]?

Is it Of Montreal’s Kevin Barnes’s penis?

While some artists get ‘nude’ ‘in the name of art’, we can all agree that Kevin Barnes gets n00d in the name of ‘zaniness.’

Or is it Devendra Barnhart’s penis?

“Watch out with that knife! h8 it when people slice my peen in halfsies (hotdog style cut)”

Did Devendra Barnhart steal the ‘natural’ peen aesthetic from John Lennon? Are you sad that Natalie Portman dumped him so that they couldn’t pose 2gether n00d? (wonder if she would have ‘grown out’ her ass to match Yoko Ono’s ploppy caboose)

Am I ghey for looking at other guys’s peens/johnsons/rods/zuneshafts/cobrasnakes?
Have yall seen any other altCeleb nude pix lately?

Here’s a lil bit of peen 2 start ur weekend. <3

<3 Gingers <3

[via Glitter Guts]

XX BONUS AZN INDIAN BATHROOM SLUT XX

Srsly, yall. Indians/Native Americannies r fckng everywhere.
via LastNitesParty

<3 Friday Nite N00ds <3