Dear President George W. Bush,
First and foremost, I just wanted to say 'miss u.' I really took u for granted. I remember when u were in office, I liked to pretend that I was 'outraged' about 'the way our nation was going.' I was 'pissed off about the war' (even though I would never have to go), and I thought that u were 'too strong armed and oppressive.' However, I realized that you were a lot like me. You were a chill bro. You were a dreamer.
In the future, I will learn from my mistakes. I will not be influenced by the mainstream liberal media who just want some Commy Red in office. I will value u. U ruled our nation during my most critical formative years. U r as significant as the time that my parents' marriage fell apart in early 2001. U r part of the 'perfect storm' that made ME.
We have a lot in common. We both like to do blow. We are both set in our ways. And we both found out about 9-11 while we were in a public school.
I'll never forget after 9-11. I was so afraid of the world. I felt fragile and vulnerable. I felt scared. And then u walked into Yankee Stadium and threw a strike while wearing a Bullet Proof vest. I thought I could do anything. I almost even joined the armed forces, but then realized I was upper middle class and didn't have to resort to such a drastic lower-class solution like that.
We're just a lot alike. U were kinda spoiled and entitled to a lot, and I'm kinda like u except on a smaller scale. I liked u. I feel like I wasted our glory years. U did what I would have done during ur lame duck term: chilled hard. It's also important 2 realize that most reasonable people h8 Al Gore. Glad u won. Not sure if I will ever vote again, unless a true bro emerges.
These next 4-8 years are gonna be sooo annoying. I might even not be able to watch my two favourite shows 'with my peen out' any more--The Colbert Report and the Daily Show. (I still think that Craig Kilborn was the best Daily Show host). Without u, they don't have a world to pretend is 'bad.' Just glad I realize that things were never really too bad with u. Kinda weird how when ur a citizen, u feel 'small' and can't ever really tell when things 'change.'
I'm just trying to say that before 2k8, I wasn't very progressive, and I thought 'being into politics' made me an individual. Then I realized that it's kind of a gimmick for 'people who want 2 seem interesting+concerned with global issues.' Now I feel kinda bad that I constructed my personal brand based on h8ing u 'with a passion.' I now realize that I was just an entry leveler looking for a gimmick--however, I realize now that I was only searching for my perfect vision of our world. I now realize that my utopian society will not be achieved through 'politics'--instead it will be achieved through the arts/self-expression/the internet/conceptual stuff.
wish we had 8 more years.
h8 when people call my blog 'sarcastic' or that I am trying to be 'satire' but this is what's actually what I'm feeling deep down inside of me. Just trying 2 b 'raw', yall.
a true bro
We Miss U
Way more chill than your dad
and more vulnerable than Obama
if u were going 2 do a mountain of blow
with any President,
who would it be?
[photos via nytimes blog]
All I ever wanted was an authentic bro to run this nation.
In the future, cool dads will have an opinion on foreign Presidential elections, teaching their lil alts/lil kids about how important it is to vote. When the private elementary school teacher gives their son or daughter a homework assignment that takes incorporates the upcoming Presidential Election, the cool dad will do their child's homework, complete with progressive opinions on modern topics, such as healthcare reform, the War in ______, and the Financial Crisis. Cool Dads want the world to know that they are enlightened because they are 'smart bc they went 2 college', and bc they 'have a kid' which enables them to identify with 'the common man' a.k.a. 'Joseph the Plummer' a.k.a. 'Joe the Meme.'
Cool Dads will also be required by law to wear an 'expensive looking jacket', jeans, and Chuck Taylors/Converse All Stars/off brand shoes that look like Converses but were probably more expensive.
[Photo via JezzyBelle]
In other COOL DAD news, did yall hear Death Cab for CuteAZNs changed the name of their band? Can't wait for their new EP. Not sure if I will identify with it, though.
ergonomic strollers : cool dads :: wayfarers/sneakers/palestinian scarves/tilted lids : altBros
XX BONUS PIZZA WAR COVERAGE XX
In the future, will companies deliver turn tables like they deliver pizza?
[Photo by LastNightsPizzaParty]
This article was written by Grandpappy McWillersby, contributor to Huffington Post Old Foagies, Slate.com, Buzzfeed.com/SeniorCitizen and HIPSTER RUNOFF.
Hello my fellow Americans,
My name is Bill Willersby, and I am a citizen of the United States of America. I have seen a lot of changes in my day. When I was a young man, we used to call women who showed off a little bit of calf 'floozies.' Now, I turn on the TV and see more than I bargained for during the 5 am local newscast. Some probably see me moving slow in the super market and think I'm not with the times. That I think that M&M is a candy, not a rapper. But i'm 'with it.' I'm 'cool.' I've been known to talk some jive, and even my granddaughter introduced me to my first frappucino frozen ice milkshake. I tell ya, it tasted just like a custard freeze from down at the malt shoppe right next to the soda fountain pharmacy that I used to work at.
I tell ya, kids these days don't care about the times. They care more about the latest iPod nano, but don't realize that they can be a part of history by voting. How about I put it in young peoples words. Voting can be cool, here's why:
1. You might have an iPhone that has apps. What if I told you that voting was a lot like an app because you press a button and that's all it takes. Apps are cool. Voting is cool too.
2. The candidates are like stores down at the shopping mall. All you have to do is pick one that represents you. Some kids shop at Woolworth's. Others shop at Montgomery Ward. I'm a Sears man myself, but some kids can't help but shop at the Macy's and Foley's.
3. Gas prices. When I was a kid, gas cost about a nickel to fill up a tank. These days, you gotta pay at least two $20 bills to fill up the old station wagon. It shouldn't be that way. Go out and vote, kids.
4. Milk prices. When I was a kid, a jug of milk cost about a penny. These days, you gotta pay at least two $5 bills to fill up the old ice box. It shouldn't be that way. Go out and vote, kids.
5. God wants you to vote, and god is a cool guy. My grandsons go to a Bible camp every summer. One of the counselors has long hair. At first, I wasn't too keen on his looks, but when I heard his first sermon to the teen congregation, I understood that God takes many different forms, even the body of a hippie skater pot head Bob Marley lovin' sonbitch. I had the church drug test him, and he came back negative.
6. Jobs to the Chinamen--our economy is struggling. We cannot let those chinamen steal our economy. When I was a boy, we defeated the communist and the Nazis. I have no doubt that if you vote, we can defeat the chinamens, too.
7. The Middle East - I say we nuke em. Fuck em. Voting on that can be real cool, like one of those videogames that my grandson, Jacob, plays all day. I swear, he could direct that nuke right into downtown Iran and that would mean peace in the middle east.
8. Rappers and famous people vote -- Get out and rock the vote like your favorite super heroes and rock stars. People like Mick Jagger, Pete Best, and the cast of the Golden Girls all vote.
9. Gays--my old Uncle Gary was a gay. True story.
10. J-Z. I know who J-Z is. He is a rapper, rhyming over the rap beats. I'm not behind the times like I look. Get out and vote like J-Z.
I fought in the war for this country. You can take it from me, voting is cool, or my name isn't Bill Willersby. Voting can be cool and fun, so why don't you get one of your frozen yogurt ice creams when you're done and cool off with that. :-)
Rock the Vote!
While I do end all of my columns with my catchphrase "God Bless America." Today, I especially mean it.
Goodnight every one, and in the words of me:
God Bless America.
This article was written by Grandpappy McWillersby, contributor to Huffington Post Old Foagies, Slate.com, Buzzfeed.com/SeniorCitizen and HIPSTER RUNOFF.
Why should I vote?
Voting is an important experience 2 connect with the lamestream masses. U walk into some booth and believe that u 'make a difference', when u actually don't make a difference. Ppl spend so much time talking abt politics as if it is 'their whole identity', then voting is just like taking a dump. You're never going to remember what it looks like in the toilet after you flush it away.
How do u vote?
You go to a place and they had iPads there and u tap them. Ur results aren't actually stored.
What is the Electoral College?
A small liberal arts school in Vermont where the votes are counted.
Is my vote more valuable if i live in a 'swing state'?
What is the Middle Class?
The Middle Class is the 'rebranding' of poverty. Basically, ppl who think that they are 'doing just fine, workin hard, and contributing positively to society', when they might as well just quit on life and get free government handouts.
Which candidate is 'more alt'?
Barry Obama 'went lamestream' when every1 was all like #HOPE, yall. Mitt Romney is some white dude who hates poors, so in a way, he is trying to 'gentrify' America by kicking the poors and coloreds out.
Which candidate is more likely to send a nuclear weapon to Iran or North Korea?
I remember when George W. Bush was in office, that Iranian dude was all like 'an unchill bro.' Every1 was hating on him for trying to vibe out to some enriched uranium, but now every1 h8s wars and no1 remembers that bro. Except there is some civil war shit goin down in Syria, but every1 is all like 'NOT MY PROBLEM' this time, but I guess there's not that much oil there, so we don't have 2 fight there 2 lower gas prices for midsized SUVs.
What candidate would u rather have a cold 1 with?
Barry Obama seems like the bro that 'milks a beer', 'pretends to have a convo with u', and ur supposed to be like 'Dude, he's actually a really cool, chill guy!' But most ppl could see thru him, see that he is just tired of upholding this charade, and just waiting to get out of office so he can go 'radical', divorce his family, and just sorta focus on building a hip hop empire.
Mitt Romney would probably get blackout drunk on a rare bourbon, order some prostitutes on the 'company card', and let you in on his disgusting lifestyle. That seems pretty chill to me. U would know u were bros 4evr while you were both digging a hole/yachting out to sea in order to dispose of a dead prostitute.
Which candidate supports the Nacho vs Burrito controversy?
Burritos became this 'thing' in the post-chipotle era, and every1 is all like 'wooo! I love Burritos! so much food inside of this wrappywrap!' but nachos never go their own restaurant chains, so people take them for granted. Both of them are probably into burritos, but nachos are sorta 3rd Party Values, because Dems and Reps are all like 'we're not gonna balance the budget with all those chips, cheese, and toppings', but if they realized that we could increase the burrito tax by 0.04%, it would generate enough to get our troops out of Afghanistan and focus on the war on terror within our own borders.
What is Obamacare?
Obamacare is healthcare for humans who don't deserve it unless they pay for it or have a 'real job.'
Will we get social security?
Why does Mitt Romney hate poors and coloreds?
Mitt Romney is one of those honkies who
Where do our taxes go?
To allow the poors to buy cheap food, filling up their carts, and bottlenecking the grocery store with their 3 liter jugs of soda on sale.
Who is Paul Ryan and why is he such a honky ass tool bag?
Paul Ryan is like that dude in high school who acted all 'smart' and 'big man on campus' when he was just this dumb ass in regulars classes, going to Bible Study and fingering his girlfriend in his Ford F-150. D-bags like this motherfucker should be middle management at a pyramid scheme contracting company and drinking Bud Lights while watching football. Anyways, he's the type of dude who resonates with honkies who wish they were him. One time he went to this soup kitchen for a 'photo op', and even though they were closed, he was all like, "lemme pretend I'm helping for like 5 min then I'll be out of ur way." I guess that's pretty alt, though. No1 cool actually does 'required community service hours.' U just look for ways to make it look like u did ur time. I guess he is just like u and me after all.
Do we really want Joe Biden as our next president?
I think they are getting Hillary Clinton back to reignite the 'women who wear pants' vote.
What happened 2 Sarah Palin? Wasn't she a meme?
She turned out to be 'too meme', and was blacklisted from the party.
Do u really want to be one of those ppl who talks abt politics?
No. They need 2 'get a life' or something. Maybe they can focus on city/state governmental issues so they can see a more immediate impact in their lives.
Did Obama 'lose his meme appeal'?
I don't know, some losers still 'get off' to internet memes like it is 2k6-2k8.
Have u ever looked thru a binder full of women?
I once considered getting a Russian Mail Order bride to keep my apartment clean for the duration of my 18 month lease, but then was worried that I would order a defective one.
Do food stamps even exist any more? Like, is it a stamp or like what?
They actually get a 'debit card' and go 2 the grocery store and can buy basically whatever they want. It is sorta like when u go 2 the grocery store, but instead, they aren't paying 4 it.
Should rich ppl be taxed more?
Some ppl say that they work harder and earn more, but middleclass/poors are all like "ugh! We're poor! It matters more 2 us!"
How can we create more jobs?
Open more fast food restaurants and then every1 gets free food.
Is it realistic for Obama to create more jobs in the renewable energy sector?
'The economy' is a huge lie. In China, they overdeveloped their country and have tons of high rise condos that were built by 'basically slaves' in order to manipulate the algorithm that calculates GDP. It's all just a sham, so u should just do whatever it takes to make it seem like we are 'moving forward', then leave the mess to the other party when the country 'wants a change'.
Should the President cut FEMA?
It's weird to think that we are just learning how to deal with natural disasters of epic proportions. Soon, no1 will live on the coast any more because shit will get fucked up every year. Until then, FEMA has 2 exist. It is only a matter of time before every part of the Gult Coast is destroyed.
Should I vote early?
I wish there was late voting bc I nvr do anything on time.
Why do the candidates pretend to 'respect eachother'?
I wish they openly hated eachother instead of acting like 'the bigger person' for the camera. Such a lame process. Need more fighting and firebreathing instead of ppl 'acting' so that body language and media pundit talking heads can be all like "______ won the debate!" even though neither of the candidates said anything of value.
Should the 2 party system be done away with?
Nah, ppl will get confused bc they are stupid. No1 really needs 2 look into the issues.
Should I move away from America if the other candidate wins?
Yeah, stop being a pussie and do it. See how ur life is without fast food, affordable family dining chains, and Costco.
So...Who should I vote 4?
Just write urself in and be like, "LOL! I am funnie! hehe. But srsly, I think the president is paid $400k/year and that would be pretty chill bc I could be like "I'm not doin shit this year, dawg. Lameduckin this shit.""
Who r u voting 4?
Which candidate is more alt?
Is voting 'worth it'?
Is the middle class 'screwed'?
Do Americans deserve money 4 nothing?
Should we get another economic stimulus package so we can buy new Macbooks and HD TVs?
Is this the biggest election of our lives?
Will America exist in another 4 years?
Do u <3 America?
R u a concerned citizen?
Do u h8 when ppl are 'too kewl 2 vote' or is it a waste of time?
How can u change the world the most?